Descending Surfacing (14 page)

I joined a film forum, a book forum and a soaps forum and made friends there. They had names like Bananagirl, Indiefreak, Spiderman, Aussie167. I became another person on each forum too, not boring Emily Walker. And because they were internet friends, they couldn’t get close to me and hurt me. I still had Tess and Honey as real friends but they were the only ones I trusted.

I spent hours a day on the internet. It had been my friend, my world, my distraction until I started working full time at the call centre.

Before I left college, Di, the learning mentor, had suggested that I register with Facebook so I wouldn’t be lonely. I had always been suspicious of Facebook as I suspected it was populated by weirdos and paedophiles, but curiosity and boredom got the better of me and I joined it.

Di sent me a friend request immediately.

‘
So sorry you left the way you did. I’m also sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed someone to talk to. x.’

I shrugged when I received this. It was too late now. What was done was done. I had cried so many times since I left the college, not because of the job but because of Jamie, obviously. I didn’t think I loved him but I sure as hell missed having him around.

It was amazing how many genuine people actually sent me a friend request.

As I sat there trying not to think about the pregnancy, I was gratified to see there were more replies to my forum posts and even some Facebook friend requests. I was getting quite popular, which was an unfamiliar feeling.

I looked at my friend list: Tess, Honey and her brother, Wolf, with their siblings Storm and Orchid; Di; old friends from secondary school; ex-colleagues. I could hardly remember the old school friends and colleagues, I had only added them to be polite, but it was gratifying to know they wanted to be my friends.

Suddenly a message popped up. It was from Julie Zambora, a school friend.

‘
Hi Emily. Long time no see! Do you fancy meeting up with me and the others soon? It would be fun. Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll arrange something, love Julie xx.’

I glanced at the names of the old school friends. Remarkable how they still conjured up images:

Naomi Cutler; Eric Greenham; David Wilson; Julie Zambora.

Naomi: outspoken and sporty; Eric: polite and self-contained; David: computer geek; Julie: warm and motherly.

Did I want to meet them again in person? I was in no state to meet old friends. I didn’t even know what I was going to do about the baby. Should I keep it or not? The big question returned to the front of my mind, like an endless game of tennis. This way, that way, this way, that way.

My thoughts were interrupted by another message popping up. A friend request. I clicked on it and gasped. Should I have ex-students as friends? After a few minutes I decided.

I pressed ‘Accept Shane Kelly’s friend request’. He probably just wanted my name to boost his friend list numbers.

But immediately he sent me another message:

‘
thanx for not telling my dad. none of family know. hope you ok.’

‘
I’m ok thanx. Why u left college?’ No point telling him I was definitely not okay. I didn’t want the news getting to Jamie before I’d got my own head around it.

‘
hated it. Dad thinks I’m gonna take over shop, but I dunno.’

‘
Were you upset about Kyle?’

‘
a bit. Ok now though.’

I wasn’t surprised he’d left the course. He’d never been a natural construction student: too pretty and clever! He was lucky the other boys hadn’t found out he was gay.

The next morning, I sat for a minute listening to the noises of the Eazi Kall centre. Phones ringing, people talking. No one swearing, sniggering, whispering, or arguing. No one surreptitiously using their mobiles, chewing or drinking. No weird atmosphere putting me off. Instead it was neutral - even pleasant - with people conversing normally and politely. I didn’t have to put on a defensive front in case I was sneered at or prepare fast answers to rude questions. It was an easier job than at Stonefield College and I didn’t want to lose it. But what on earth was I going to tell them?

I remembered my first meeting with the manager after I’d started full time. Clive had questioned me about why I’d left the college before my notice finished, but I’d fobbed him off. He had seemed satisfied with my vague explanations, which hadn’t included anything about the Jamie situation. I had been so relieved to escape trouble that time, but how would he react now?

When I got home there was another message from Shane. Couldn’t he leave me alone? I had enough to worry about.

‘
I gotta get out of this job, it's so boring.’

‘
Better than construction college tho?’

‘
yeh, but not what I wanna do. Architecture.’

That rang an uncomfortable bell. My younger brother was an architect, far away in the Midlands. I hadn’t seen him for years.

‘
Sounds interesting,’ I typed untruthfully.

‘
U still see Jamie?’

‘
Of course not!’ I bashed the return key as if it was Jamie’s head.

‘
he treated u bad Miss. Me and K thought.’

I paused, struggling with another memory. Had he ‘treated me bad’? Had I treated him badly? Was I getting what I deserved?

‘
hes out the way now. hes gone to live with his mum in Cliffdale.’

Cliffdale was the other side of the city, green and pleasant, another world. My interest was piqued.

‘
Why did he leave his dad?’

‘
they had a bad fight.’

Jamie must have finally had enough of being neglected. Good for him. I was glad he was away from that horrible man, however annoyed I was with him for other reasons.

‘
u still there?’

‘
Yes. Is J happy?’

‘
think so.’

Suddenly another message popped up. From Julie Zambora.

‘
Hi Emily. I went ahead and arranged a meetup. Would you like to get together with me and some others for a mini school reunion? Just a few of us. It's on Saturday, 20th June at Evergreens. Let me know. xx’

I wouldn’t go: it would be stupid to go over old ground.

‘
Bye, Shane. Take care.’ I went offline. I wanted my virtual friends, not these real life people getting too close to me with their questions.

All this talk of Jamie made me think about him however hard I tried not to. I should tell him I was pregnant, but it's not like he was a normal boyfriend. He’d have his own life now, away from here. He was too young to be a father; it was a stupid idea to tell him. Again I went this way and that, wondering what to do.

I put his name into Google but just got a load of rubbish. I found another site called 123people.com, which promised images, email addresses, tags, social networking profiles, biographies of anyone you wanted to look up. I was amazed how much information there was and how easy it was to find. I should look myself up next time.

I flicked through the images; quite a few pages worth of Jamie Nortons. Middle aged with grey hair, tiny infants, even a Springer spaniel and a boat, which was weird. Jamie Norton, winning best behaved dog; the Jamie Norton, setting sail for Gibraltar.

Then suddenly there he was. I clicked on the picture but it didn’t enlarge. I clicked on the website link but, again, I couldn’t get to it. So frustrating. A tiny picture of him which shouldn’t affect me so much, but did.

I was carrying his child, a part of him. Perhaps this one would have a better life, I’d certainly try to make it so.

Hang on. Was I thinking I would keep the baby? I was thirty. Perhaps this was my last - or only chance - to have a baby. There certainly weren’t any other men banging on my door.

I wanted to keep the baby. A rush of happiness shot up my body; this was the right decision. God knows how I would look after him or her, but my gut feeling was positive, and I was a believer in gut feelings.

I sat in the lounge for hours. Dusk came, the street lights switched on, night began. But I didn’t move. How the hell was I going to look after a baby? I must be mad. I’d had negative pregnancy tests before, so I’d told myself I couldn’t have children. I’d told myself that was for the best as I wasn’t a good person. But now I had to face it: I could have a child if I wanted. Thanks to some fly-by-night teenager sowing his seed.

I grabbed the phone.

‘
Tess, Tess help me!’

‘
Emily? Iss one in the morning…what’s wrong?’

‘
I’m- I’m-‘

‘
What?’

‘
I’m pregnant.’

‘
My God!’ She suddenly sounded wide awake. ‘Is it- is it- Jamie’s?’

‘
Of course! How many men do you think I’ve slept with?’ I shouted. I had to stop then as tears were spurting out of my eyes.

Tess spent two hours on the phone counselling me. After that I fell asleep with exhaustion.

Next morning I woke feeling content. Now, what was I doing today? Something moved in the back of my mind… was it… something I didn’t want to know…

Then it leapt on me. I was having a baby.

I phoned in sick. I couldn’t keep up a brave face at work.

Tess came round at ten o’clock and flung her arms round me.

‘
Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’

‘
The benefits of having a creative job,’ she smiled briefly. ‘Never mind me, how are you?’

‘
I can’t believe I got pregnant by a- a kid.’

She shrugged. ‘He’s still got the right equipment, however young he is. I’ll support you with the baby. Are you still sure you want to keep it?’

‘
Yes, I think I am. It's my last chance to have one-‘

‘
It's not your last chance, don’t be daft. There are plenty of men out there for you.’

‘
Tess, I don't want to be rude but you’ve never found Mister Right, have you?’

‘
No, but… I’m a bossy old cow. You’re much nicer.’ She smiled, in a motherly way. I sometimes felt like her naughty child going to her for advice.

‘
Could you tell Honey? I can’t really face her histrionics.’

I loved Honey, but I couldn’t see her being much help with the baby, she was too flighty. So I’d just have Tess to rely on.

Chapter 2

The next few weeks dragged and I didn’t feel well. When I’d worked at the college, I’d been outside in all weathers. Even in the workshops the doors and windows had been open all the time because the boys got so hot doing brickwork, carpentry, painting and decorating. They would have suffocated with everything shut, and I’d have asphyxiated from the smell! I’d complained about the cold in winter but just been told to wrap up warm.

But the call centre air was stale, recycled. It made me feel trapped.

I poured out my story to Clive.

‘
So this wasn’t planned?’ His brow creased.

‘
No it wasn’t. These things happen.’

‘
So did your boyfriend leave you to deal with it?’

Boyfriend. What an ironic word. BOYfriend. Not a man yet.

‘
Yes, he did.’ It was nearly true.

‘
You poor thing. Don’t worry. Eazi Kall will look after you. You worked here long enough part time to qualify for full maternity leave. To be honest with you, Emily, I didn’t want to be a parent but it's been a blessing in disguise.’

Perhaps Clive was human after all, despite his yuppy exterior.

There were so many appointments, examinations, instructions I had to attend and understand. They all went around me, over me, through me until one day I couldn’t take any more and stopped worrying. A sense of happy wellbeing took over and I began to feel like a cow, content just chewing my cud and existing.

I bumped into Shane one day.

‘
Hello Emily!’ He was genuinely pleased to see me. ‘Alright?’

I smiled. I wasn’t going to tell him my news but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered these days. Life was all calm and soft, I floated through it.

‘
Want a coffee?’

I drifted after him, buoyant on a maternal sea.

‘
How’s shop work?’ I couldn’t help smiling inanely and he gave me a strange look.

‘
Still crap. I was better off at college with Kyle.’

‘
So you and Kyle - what happened?’

‘
He was cheating on me. With a girl.’ He looked down sadly. ‘He was my first- y’know.’

‘
Shane, does anyone know you’re gay?’

‘
No. Not my family, they wouldn’t like it.’