Darcy's Passions (20 page)

 

Each evening, in the privacy of his chambers, Darcy replayed his time with Elizabeth; he pictured her at Pemberley so many times, but the knowledge of how his prideful behavior placed him in disfavor with the lady laced his reproofs. He assumed Elizabeth would accept his proposal; it never occurred to him she would not
settle
for security. Collins could give her a pleasant home and living, but she wanted more. He offered her
more money
, but that was not what would earn Elizabeth's love. Elizabeth could not love a man she could not respect; therefore, she did not love him. Brought up in opulence, he learned superiority at his father's knee; had he not been warned repeatedly of those who would flatter him to become an intimate? When he remembered his time with Elizabeth, Darcy saw himself as proud and leaden. Elizabeth accused him of not only arrogance but of conceit and disdain for others.

He often wondered how he would feel if someone spoke to Georgiana as he spoke to Elizabeth. Even if he and Georgiana had no more than what Elizabeth had to offer, Darcy knew he would have called the dastard out, and a duel would have ensued. His place in the world had been unthreatened until there was Elizabeth; now he became more pensive and introspective—his life a quandary—he wanted to once more try to make Elizabeth a part of his life. He wanted to show her he changed, but first, Darcy would need what his sister said; he would have to find value in himself; he would alter how he spoke to people and how he thought of people and how he treated people. If he could do so without
glory
, but because it was the right action, then maybe he could someday present himself to Elizabeth Bennet again.

 

So, the transformation of Fitzwilliam Darcy began.Always undeniably attractive, he possessed an air of confidence and an aristocratic
demeanor; Darcy could command a room just by walking into it. Even still, he never knew himself until he encountered Elizabeth Bennet. He questioned so many things about his life now.Why had he, for example, never recognized Georgiana as an intelligent, benevolent young woman? His often-shy sister, he recently discovered, had a hidden strength, strength of character others saw as pride or naïveté. Georgiana Darcy possessed so much more than sweetness and beauty; she possessed a superior intellect, a loving heart, and an open mind.

Why had Darcy not recognized his own nature? He had Pemberley; he had respect; he had wealth, but Darcy did not have contentment. He knew he could find another woman with whom he could share tenderness and even moments of passion; but, much to his frustration, Darcy knew Elizabeth was his other half; with Elizabeth Bennet he could share his innermost self. She charged him to be a better person than he was; even without her by his side, Fitzwilliam Darcy would be attentive to her rebukes and live up to her accolades.

The deception to which he exposed Charles Bingley created an issue he needed to address immediately.When he saw Bingley again in London, he would observe his friend; if Charles still felt strongly for Jane Bennet, Darcy would move heaven and earth to bring them together. It would probably cost Darcy his friendship with Charles, but his comfort was secondary to Charles's happiness.

 

Bingley came to stay at Kensington Place; he had the same easy manner, but something was missing. Darcy originally hoped Bingley and Georgiana would find each other, but although they got along well enough, no romantic attraction ever developed. Bingley's heart, like Darcy's, was lost to a country miss in Hertfordshire.

Somehow, Darcy must ascertain whether Jane Bennet found another suitor; if Elizabeth turned to George Wickham and the younger sisters to other officers, it would be possible for Miss Bennet to have found someone else in these last five months. Briefly, Darcy allowed himself to think of the possibility of George
Wickham's embracing Elizabeth; the pain of it crushed his soul. He could possibly accept Elizabeth's finding happiness with another because for him her happiness would be the utmost, but if that person was George Wickham, he did not think he could survive the injustice of it all. Then again, maybe his letter impacted her thoughts on Wickham. He could not allow himself to think of having a chance with Elizabeth; he must accept the inevitable. Putting those thoughts aside, Darcy returned to his first concern, the future of Charles Bingley and Jane Bennet.Without their reconciliation, Elizabeth would forever consider him to not be a “gentleman”; she would never find forgiveness.

He considered hiring someone to secure the information in Meryton, but he quickly realized how foolish that would be. If he needed information on the Bennet family, a reliable source could be found on his aunt's estate; surely Mr. Collins could be manipulated into providing the necessary facts. Darcy would wait; if Bingley's interest in Miss Bennet persisted, he would find a way to return his friend to Netherfield.

“Bingley,” Darcy began, “the club will be a nice diversion this evening; do you not think?”

“If you say so, Darcy.”

“You do not seem to find pleasure in it though.”

“The club will be,” Bingley paused,“amusing enough.”

“What is it, Bingley? Let me be of service to you.”

Bingley sighed, “It is nothing . . . It is just . . . I cannot really explain it.”

Darcy watched as his best friend turned away and was lost in his own reverie; he knew what Bingley felt; he felt it himself at least once per day since that fateful autumn night in Meryton. The empathy Darcy felt for Bingley increased his own pain. He did Bingley a disservice, one he would rectify.

“Your sisters will arrive in London tomorrow?” Darcy began again.“When do you anticipate leaving for Pemberley?”

“My sisters expressed an interest to be at my brother Hurst's estate by late-August. Of course, Caroline would hear nothing less than spending a fortnight at Pemberley.” Bingley left his chair and walked about the room distractedly.“I suppose the first part of next week would be the most logical time. However, as our host, we wait on your happiness.”

“Monday next would serve Georgiana and I well,” Darcy said. “Is that acceptable to your travel schedule?”

“I will tell my sisters to be prepared for early Monday morning. It will be good to be out of London; the weather is getting sultry.”

“As for me,” Darcy said wistfully,“I, too, look forward to leaving London. I would be content to spend the rest of my days at Pemberley.”

“I hoped,” Bingley hesitated, “Netherfield was to instill such longing in me.” Darcy waited for his companion to finish his thoughts, but there was no more. Finally, Darcy looked away to avoid the hurt evident in Bingley's eyes.

 

On his last evening at Kensington Place before returning to Pemberley, Darcy reflected on the past ten months. Before Elizabeth, he thought his life was perfect; he lived well by the standard of the day, but he knew so little about what was important in life. Now he understood how to love, but it was too late to give his love to Elizabeth; however, the things he learned would give him the chance to learn to love again. Darcy realized he spent his whole life trying to replicate his father, but he lost himself along the way. His father, unknowingly, formed his son in his own image, but his father lived in another lifetime. Darcy became a shadow of his father's greatness for he forgot giving service to someone did not mean the person was one's servant. From his mother, he learned about tradition and duty to family. She gave him his identity; his name Fitzwilliam came from a line of noble earls, and his father's name of Darcy came from a respectable, honorable, and ancient family. She gave him a conscious awareness of his own social position.

From Georgiana, he learned courage, as well as humility, and even though she had doubts at times, his sister achieved a sense of independence, a palatable truth hidden behind a façade of shyness. Her gentle chastisement to him forced Darcy to look at the society to which he was born with the same discerning eye he often used on others.

Elizabeth showed him his ideas on the state of marriage were insignificant ramblings. It was not man's inevitable fate; instead marriage was a complex blend of spirits, each needing respect and acceptance to flourish. Elizabeth challenged Darcy; unlike other women, she never flattered his ego, and with Elizabeth he learned
to not assume anything. For Elizabeth, he abandoned thoughts of his own well-being; protecting and loving her would have been a privilege.

When Elizabeth first refused him, Darcy blamed everyone but himself. Mr. Wickham poisoned her mind; the Bennets' inferior society created problems; his honest report offended her; his cousin misspoke. All these and many more served as excuses for her behavior, but, finally, he faced the deficiencies in his character, which she enumerated at Hunsford. She gave him a more equal relationship with his sister; her words brought him to an understanding of what he should value in his life. He had been too proud; he had been too confident; Darcy had been too concerned with his own reputation to truly love anyone, as
real love
requires. Although memories of his loss shaped mortifications of self-revelation, they no longer frightened or confused him. The disorder of his mind no longer forced him to struggle to master his faults; instead, he discovered acceptance and a truthful resolve—the advantage of intimately knowing his own nature.

 

Darcy, Georgiana, Mrs.Annesley, and Bingley traveled to Pemberley under the Darcy livery while the Bingley sisters and Mr. Hurst made the journey in an accompanying carriage. Darcy preferred to travel on horseback or alone in his own carriage; he absolutely hated having to stop every few hours or so for Caroline to “stretch her legs.” Since his return from Hunsford, he avoided interacting with Caroline; if it were not for his regard for Bingley, Caroline would be relegated to a bowing-only acquaintance. The distance between Darcy's house in London and Pemberley could comfortably be covered in two days even with the coaches laden with multiple trunks, which were principally owned by the Bingley sisters. Mr. Hurst used his largest coach while Darcy made use of a slightly smaller one, which would seat four comfortably.The hours crawled by in cordial civilities; Bingley's sonsy nature appealed to all, and the conversations centered mostly on music and literature and occasionally on the politics of the day. The party broke for a
midday meal at one of Darcy's favorite inns before proceeding on to where they would rest for the evening, an establishment some miles more than equidistant between London and their destination.

The condition of the road was deplorable between some of the villages, and they were about five miles from their evening's stop when Hurst's coach came to an abrupt halt. Darcy's driver noted the problem and pulled up the horses. Everyone disembarked to find the crank neck of Hurst's coach broken in two. If Darcy brought his larger coach, the problem would have been easier to resolve, but the party would need to squeeze together to make it to the next village, where the crank neck needed to be addressed.The coach would still operate without the crank neck, but it would be a bumpy trip.

Mrs. Hurst and Caroline shuffled into Darcy's coach, and Mr. Hurst crawled into the seat of the driver's box. Darcy and Bingley moved as many trunks as possible to the benches inside Hurst's coach to avoid losing any of them. Darcy climbed into the driver's box with Hurst's man; the rest of the day's trip would be slow and uncomfortable, but they would arrive safely. Bingley and Darcy, upon their arrival, made arrangement for the repair, but the trip would be delayed until it was finished.

 

Over the evening meal, Darcy explained he would leave them the next day, taking a horse from the local stable for the trip.The group protested, asking him not to leave.“Bingley, when we discussed our leaving on Monday, it was because of pressing business I had to address with my steward,” he explained.“By taking my leave early, I may be rid of the business before you arrive, giving me more time to be a congenial host.”

“I understand,” Bingley began.“We are being selfish by wishing you to remain with us.”

Darcy simply nodded, indicating their fraternity; there was no comment necessary. He knew Bingley loved his sisters but often found their company to be trying; he took sympathy on both his friend and on Georgiana when he said,“Bingley, I charge you with
delivering my sister safely to Pemberley. As my friend, I trust you with her care.”

Both Bingley and Georgiana gave him a sigh of relief; his charge to Bingley in front of the rest of the party gave them both a reason to spend their time in each other's company and as traveling companions. No one would question their choosing to do so; it relieved both of them of having to share Caroline's company. Bingley's response was almost too enthusiastic, and Georgiana mouthed “Thank you” to him when no one else looked her way.