Darcy's Passions (17 page)

“And this,” cried Darcy, as he walked with quick steps across the room, “is your opinion of me! I believed if anyone knew me it would be you, Miss Elizabeth, but according to you, I am a calculated manipulator. I thank you for explaining it so fully.” Darcy turned to face the woman to whom he foolishly gave his heart. “But perhaps these offenses might have been overlooked, had not your pride been hurt by my honest confession of the scruples that had long prevented my forming any serious design.”Yet, he could not stop at that; he was angry; he was devastated; his own pride hurt—attacked and destroyed. Darcy never sought favors from another; he never needed to do so; being reduced to applying for adoration and respect offended every fiber of his being. He taunted Elizabeth satirically by describing how he could have applied for
her hand with false compliments, but he prided himself on always speaking the truth; and truthfully, he had qualms about an alliance with Elizabeth.“Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections?—to congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?”

If Darcy thought Elizabeth would accept his words as the voice of reason, he greatly mistook her. His rebuke infuriated her, placing her motives for preferring Wickham as being superficial. Unaccustomed to being questioned on her judgment, she prided herself on being an “observer” of society.“You are mistaken, Mr. Darcy, if you suppose that the mode of your declaration affected me in any other way, than as it spared me the concern which I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner.”

Darcy stiffened at these words; he prided himself the most upon being a gentleman, and she called him on this matter; his color paled as she continued her ridicule.“You could not have made the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it. From the very beginning—from the first moment, I may almost say—of my acquaintance with you, your manners, impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others. I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.”

Darcy could stand it no more: “You have said quite enough, Madam. I perfectly comprehend your feelings, and have now only to be ashamed of what my own have been. Forgive me for having taken up so much of your time, and accept my best wishes for your health and happiness.” And with that said, he hastily quit the room and the house; yet, he could not do so without one last wistful glance at her.

Leaving the Parsonage, Darcy momentarily did not know where he was; this was a nightmare from which he must awake.
Elizabeth!
He wanted to scream her name; a knife through his heart would have been less painful; at least, from the stab wound he would die; living without Elizabeth's love would haunt him for the
rest of his life.
The last man whom I could ever be prevailed upon to marry
—those were her words! She always hated him. Darcy thought of the many women he thwarted or ignored; he knew the slightest nod of his head would secure their attentions, but the one woman he desired found him to be arrogant and conceited. The memory of the last few months recoiled and bounded forward into an empty vault.

His gait drove him toward Rosings; surprisingly, his legs worked even though his heart lay shredded by Elizabeth's words.
If you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner.
Darcy ran his hand through his hair and tried valiantly to steady himself. He totally lost his perspective. Nearly staggering up the stairs, he made his apologies to his aunt and retreated to the sanctuary of his chambers.

Elizabeth!
Her name echoed through his head; disbelief, anger, and empathy fought for control of his emotions. As a man, he must answer the charges she laid before him, but the prospect of seeing the contempt in her eyes again was not something he could do.
Then how? How could he respond to her attacks? He would write her an explanation;
Darcy would tell her what his resentment and dismay would not allow. He realized addressing Elizabeth's sentiments about Bingley and her sister would be easily portrayed as an innocent misunderstanding, but what of those of Wickham? He must share Georgiana's shame. Wickham poisoned Elizabeth's mind against him; he had to trust her with the knowledge of his sister's near indiscretion in order to clear his own name.

Darcy paced the room, trying to compose his mind before taking up the quill. He would maintain a formality and choose his words carefully. Lashing out at Elizabeth's words would lessen her chances of reading his missive; he spent several hours selecting the right words—ones which would encourage her to read the entire letter and maybe be less repulsed by his attentions to her. Darcy had no illusions such a letter might restore Elizabeth to him; he knew he lost her forever, but he could not, even now, have her in the world and thinking poorly of him.

She could never be prevailed on to marry him.The words haunted his memory each time he closed his eyes. Leaning back in the chair, he forced himself to swallow the bile-like anguish invading his chest.

How could Darcy say what he must next convey without hurting Elizabeth? Even after all her vehemence, he could not bear to see her in distress. How could he explain his objections to Elizabeth's family applied to Bingley, as well as himself; yet, he distanced himself from the Bennets' improprieties? Darcy could not explain his objections to her connections because in retrospect, they made little sense to him.The Bennets' vulgarity appalled Darcy when he came face-to-face with it; he easily acknowledged his objections then because he had not allowed himself to love Elizabeth at that time; now those exceptions paled in review. If he allowed himself to love Elizabeth, why could not Jane Bennet reciprocate Bingley's affections?

Darcy explained his criticism did not apply to Elizabeth or to her elder sister. He told of observing the Bennets and Mr. Collins at Netherfield and how he and Bingley's sisters separated Bingley from Miss Bennet. He would like to place his actions as being aboveboard, but if Elizabeth's evaluations were true, he wronged Miss Bennet. However, Darcy made few ill decisions and had an innate reluctance to admit such a shortcoming. So, with some trepidation, he continued his letter.

Maybe he should change that last sentence and show more humility; of course, if he crossed out the idea, it would emphasize it; he hoped to convey that although he may have erred, Darcy did so in the service of a friend, and in so doing, he could find no real fault with his actions. Now, he faced the daunting task of addressing Elizabeth's opinion of George Wickham. Darcy knew he could trust Elizabeth with the truth, but relating the pain of Mr. Wickham's deceit filled him with regret—regret of failing his sister and, ultimately, failing the trust of his father.

Darcy's letter relayed how his honorable father had the highest opinion of Mr.Wickham although Darcy himself knew otherwise. He never betrayed Mr.Wickham to his father, and Mr. Darcy died thinking well of George Wickham and intended to provide the man with a living in the clergy.Trying to fulfill his father's wishes, Darcy offered Wickham the living as soon as it became vacant. He worded the next passage most carefully; he felt anger at Wickham's betrayal and jealousy that Wickham earned Elizabeth's acceptance when he could not. His words told of Wickham's refusing the living upon his own father's passing and of his lie about a wish to study law.Wickham accepted three thousand pounds and gave up all claims to assistance in the church.

Darcy confided to Elizabeth how he chose to refuse Mr. Wickham's request, knowing him to be a man of discredit. He shared the depth of Wickham's abuse of the Darcy name and his revengeful vow. It now came time to share Georgiana's story with Elizabeth. This part would be more difficult to write because it involved someone innocent.

Darcy recounted how he discovered Mr.Wickham's duplicity and how Georgiana grieved for offending a brother to whom she looked up to as a father. She also pined for what she perceived as lost love. Mrs. Younge was dismissed at once, and Mr. Wickham, having been foiled in his plans, left the place with haste.