Authors: Jennifer Browning
I saw him looking at the expensive dress that was carefully laid over the couch. The lady at the store had said something about letting it air out or breathe or something like that after wearing it. I never heard of such a thing, but I’d never owned a dress that had three zeros at the end of the price.
He asked about the dress, probably because it seemed so out of place in my
humble apartment. I gave him a brief, watered down version of my interactions with X. He cocked his head to the side and studied me with a quizzical expression on his face.
“I haven’t known you that long, Andy, but that doesn’t sound like the kind of deal you should get involved in.”
He said, sounding fatherly.
“I know.”
I said, embarrassed.
“Maybe you ought to talk to your Nan about this guy.”
He said gently.
He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. Fortunately, he cha
nged the subject pretty quickly.
“I know you just had a birthday and my wife thought you might like something from this makeup store.”
He said handing
me a card with a gift card inside to a makeup store that I had seen before. It was very trendy, almost intimidating. Everyone inside
that store
was beautiful and impeccably dressed. I was pretty sure I would like something from that store.
“That is so nice of you both. You didn’t have to do anything like that.”
I said earnestly.
“It’s nothing, really. I hope you have fun.”
He smiled.
I thanked him and hugged him warmly. He seemed a little reluctant at first, but another rule I have about hugs is that you don’t let go until you get a hug back.
He did and I was happy. I felt a little less alone in this big, impersonal city.
After he left, I felt oddly buzzed with energy. I’d been jogging with Sunday several times a week, but nothing made me feel as good as dancing. I made it my mission to find a studio I could use nearby. The campus gym had an open room that would work, but it was usually in use for exercise classes. It took me three hours and a stroke of luck to find a small hole in the wall yoga studio and work out a deal. They weren’t willing to let me come in after hours to work out, and I could understand that. They didn’t know me so they had no reason to trust me.
I ended up paying for a membership and got the class schedule so that I could come in between classes to dance. It felt a little foreign at first. The room was dark with no windows or mirrors and it took me some time to figure out the dimensions of the room. But when I got into a rhythm, it felt good.
14
During the week, X
texted and
called me a couple of times
.
I kept
our
conversations brief
, mostly because it didn’t really feel like we had anything to talk about
. He was surprisingly encouraging of me doing well in school and said he didn’t want to take me away from my studies.
I was grateful for that and wondered if I misjudged him.
He was also polite enough to ask me out on
Wednesday
for a date Friday night. I agreed so long as we went to a restaurant of my choice – which was a local dive Mexican
restaurant
. X agreed
saying
that as long as he was with me he’d be happy.
The restaurant was walking distance from my apartment and X was dressed similarly to when I first met him: jeans and a leather jacket. He was waiting downstairs for me and called
the
robo
-
phone
for me to come down. When he saw me, he stood from the low wall he was leaning against and held out his arms for me to
come
give
him
a hug. I did and he wrapped
his
arms around me with a hand on the back of my head
. I
was
pretty sure he smelled my hair. Good thing I washed it.
I felt a little embarrassed at the familiarity and wondered if anyone saw us. If they had, I doubt they would believe we were on our second date. He held my hand as we walked the streets to the restaurant and intentionally stepped between me and anyone that was walking past us. It was a protective gesture, I suppose, but completely unnecessary. It made me think of some of the videos I’d seen in Anthropology class of gorillas exhibiting aggressive behavior over a mate. In the restaurant, he insisted on sitting with his back to
the
wall and a view of the door and alluded to being able to see potential dangers. It was exhausting
-
all this
cryptic
pretense at danger in the world. Maybe his world was dangerous. Mine was anything but.
I found that we had very little to talk about while we ate dinner. We covered the highlights of our last date, but X’s favorite topic of conversation was just how much he was into me. It felt forced. He didn’t seem to have a sense of humor, he couldn’t relate to my stories about college and he took a lot of “important” phone calls about work. As we left the restaurant, he held the door for me and then found an opportunity right there in front of the restaurant to kiss me.
He took my face in both hands and planted one of those soft, slow kisses on me that should make a girl swoon. It just wasn’t doing anything for me. Aside from the fact that I was not a huge fan of public displays of affection, I just did not have those
kind
of feelings for
X. I don’t think he could tell;
it took me
a minute to wrap up the kiss
.
We walked back to my apartment and I was quietly thinking. I guess that tipped him off that something was amiss.
“What’s wrong, Andrea? You seem pensive.”
He asked.
After a few moments, I responded.
“I just don’t think that we’re right for each other. I’m really sorry. I will absolutely return the dress and
stuff
to you, but things are just moving way too quickly and I think we should take a breather.”
I had stopped walking and noticed that I was holding my arms up in a defensive way.
He looked at me stunned as if he had no idea this was coming. I felt terrible.
“Is there someone else?” he flashed an angry look.
“No.”
“What did I do wrong?”
He asked.
“Nothing.
I just need some time to process all of this.”
I explained, consciously dropping my arms back to my sides.
“I have offended you.”
He looked down sadly
.
“No, seriously, you just need to give me some time to myself.”
It sounded lame, even to me.
It’s not you, it’s me.
“Andrea, I would die if I did anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable. You can take as much time as you need, but please don’t say that it’s over. I couldn’t bear to lose you. I need you. I know that I could never be good enough to deserve you, but please give me a chance to try. And those things that I gave you, they mean nothing. I don’t want them back… even if I never see you
again,
those are just a small token of my appreciation for allowing me to spend time with you. I love you.”
He reached out to hug me. I stepped back away from him.
Whoa. Did he really just whip out the L word?
That was manipulation 101.
“You love me? How can you love me? You hardly know me. I think you’re in love with some idea of what you think I am, but you don’t even know my middle name yet.”
I said harshly.
“I do. It’s Louise.”
He said looking me directly in the eye.
“See? Now that’s just creepy. I don’t even want to know how you know that.”
I said walking away. He walked to keep pace beside me.
“
Don’t call me creepy!” He yelled,
grabbing my arm
and squeezing hard.
T
hen
as
quickly as it was there, he
quieted down
letting me go
.
I could feel blood rushing to the spot he’d held
and knew it would bruise
.
“
I understand. I’ve upset you. I never want t
o do that. Take some time and
I will wait for you to call me. Can I kiss you just one more time?”
He asked.
“No!”
I yelled so loudly that some people nearby looked over at us.
At that I stormed off into my building
rubbing the sore spot on my arm
. I was almost positive that I would never be calling him again.
I had trouble sleeping that night. I was freaked out and a little mad. I mostly felt uncomfortable; I’d never had to break up with someone before.
I’d dated guys, but it never really worked out and usually we both just kind of knew it.
Sunday
had gone through a really awkward period with a guy she’d been dating where she
either
didn’t return his calls
or
told him she was busy until he finally just gave up. I thought it was a little cruel, but she was not a fan of confrontation
either
and it seemed to be the only way she could get out of something she did
not
want to be in.
She
wasn’t home
that night
when I got there
. I thought about calling my mom or Nan, but decided they would be in bed already.
Kate
didn’t answer her phone and I didn’t want to leave a message. It left me with one person to talk to – David.
He picked up on the second ring and I asked if he had been sleeping. It sounded like he had, but he pretended that he wasn’t.
It was good to hear his voice.
“Do you have a few minutes?”
I asked.
“For you?
I’ve got a few hours. What’s up?”
I couldn’t hear anything in the background. I imagined him sitting there in the dark with the phone to his ear.
Suddenly it felt wrong to talk about X with David. We’d never talked about who we were dating or if we were dating people. I don’t know why I never brought it up with him, but it just felt like something that was outside our friendship. I thought that if I talked to him about X somehow it would hurt his feelings. Deep down, I guess I knew that he liked me and I wasn’t sure how I felt about him, but I knew that I didn’t want to ruin it, whatever it was that was between us.
So I chickened out.