Crossing the Line (21 page)

T
ravis didn't talk to me the entire ride back to the base. He didn't even look up when I changed in front of him, and I wanted out of that dress so desperately I didn't care who was watching. He was off the plane before I could stand.

I went right to Dr. March's office. I forced myself to breathe easy, and tried not to think that I was holding a temporary solution in my hand.

Someone must have told Dr. March when we were getting back, because she was waiting for me in the lobby. She gave me her usual once-over. “You look better than I was expecting,” she said.

I exhaled heavily and shook my head. “I'm not.”

Dr. March stiffened. I knew merely admitting that would tell her how bad off I was.

I clutched my purse tightly. I'd left the dress on the plane, but there was no way I was leaving this behind.

Dr. March led me to the back offices, shooting me some of the most concerned looks I had ever got from her, which made me even more anxious. When we got to one of the exam rooms, she held the door open for me and sat me down on one of the beds. “What's going on?”

I opened my mouth to tell her, but I couldn't. Instead, I held my bag out to her. She looked at me hesitantly for a second, then tried to take it. I clutched the purse with a death grip, and Dr. March had to pull to get it out of my hands.

I felt my arms start to shake the second she took it, and gripped the bed to keep her from seeing. She eyed me carefully over the top of the purse, then flicked the triangle clasp open. I looked at the ground so I didn't have to see her reaction.

“Where did you get this?” Her voice was rigid.

“At the embassy.” I had to force the words through my dry and raspy throat. “There was a dealer.”

She nodded somberly. “Did you take any?”

I shook my head hard. “No. But I almost did. Travis needed me—so I didn't.”

She nodded again. “You know better than anyone that this isn't really going to get it done for you. So, what made you this desperate?”

I stared at her blankly for a moment. I should have had an answer prepared, but I didn't. I blinked. “It was the mission.” I waited a beat. She didn't move. “I knew how I'd feel after, and I didn't want to feel that way.”

She stayed frozen for another moment, then shook her head. “You've never lied to me before. You've kept things from me, you've downplayed, but you've never lied.”

I rubbed my sweaty palms against the sheets. “I'm not lying.”

She stayed quiet, thinking. “Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you an acupuncture treatment, then you're going to get some rest. We can talk about this some more in the morning.”

“There's nothing to talk about,” I said, my frustration giving way to anger. “And I don't need to stay here. I can go to my room.”

“You're not going anywhere until I can determine how at risk you are for a relapse.” Her tone was firm. “And I can't do that until I know what pushed you into buying, and almost using, heroin.”

I put my head in my hands, tugged at my hair. “It was only the mission.”

“No, it wasn't.” She didn't believe even a small part of what I was saying. “Now, lie down. I'm going to get rid of this.” She waved the pouch.

I sunk into the pillow when the door shut. She gave me my acupuncture treatment when she came back and, after that, a melatonin tablet to help me sleep. It was the only thing that made my mind turn off.

 • • • 

My eyes were heavy when I woke up. So heavy that I didn't even think about where I was or what had happened the day before. When I could finally lift my lids and blink, I found Travis sitting in a chair against the wall. Then it all came screaming back to me. I closed my eyes again and rolled over, putting my back to him.

“Oh no.” The chair scraped against the floor and I knew he'd slid closer. “You're not getting away that easily.”

I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. “
Please.
Leave me alone.”

“I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me.” His voice was tinged with frustration and determination.

I sighed and rolled over. I could only imagine what I looked like; makeup rings around my bloodshot eyes, hair that had been perfectly curled hanging loosely.

He watched me, taking all of this in. “Jocelyn, what happened yesterday?”

“Why would you even care after what I said?” I asked, hoping that if I reminded him, he'd go away.

“Because now I know there was a lot more to it.” He tilted his head to the side. “Something happened on that mission that made you want to buy drugs. You put both of our lives at risk, and I want to know
why
.” My eyes locked on his. He was angry and he had every right to be, but there was some curiosity too. “We fought against each other for
years
and we shouldn't have. So, I'm giving you a chance to explain.”

I didn't answer. I couldn't. I didn't know how.

“Who—who told you?” I pulled myself into a sitting position and tucked my knees to my chest, leaning with my back against the pillows.

He arched his eyebrows. “Who do you think?”

I shook my head. “She shouldn't have said anything. She's my doctor.”

“She's worried about you,” he said. “She said you wouldn't even tell
her
what caused this.” I looked down at the end of my bed, trying to count the rungs on the footboard to avoid facing him. He leaned in closer to stay in my range of vision. “I could kill you right now, but you owe me an explanation.”

I blinked, but this time I didn't look away. “I don't—I don't think I know how.”

He sat back a little, and I could see his curiosity outweighing his anger. I wanted to tell him. After what I said to him—he was right, I
did
owe him. I opened my mouth, but the words never came. I shook my head and looked away again.

“Come on, Jocelyn.” Travis let out a grunt of frustration, pushed himself out of the chair, and started pacing at the foot of my bed. “Talk to me!”

“I've never talked about this with anyone before!” I said, matching his frustration. He pivoted to a stop in front the bed. I had his attention. I held his gaze, taking a moment to breathe. “Not March, not Simmonds, and not anyone at KATO who didn't make me.”

I curled into myself even more. He stretched out his arms, gripping each end of the footboard rail, preparing himself. “Just
try
. That's all I'm asking.”

I looked away for a minute, weighing my options. My stomach rolled and my muscles were tight enough to break a ship in half. But he was more than willing to camp out there until I finally cracked. On some level, that alone made it a little easier.

“It was the dress,” I said, looking up at him. He seemed surprised that I was actually talking. “The only missions KATO put me in a dress for were more—
personal
than stealing or killing.” I couldn't say what they made me do.

I watched Travis closely, gauging his reaction. “They made you sleep with the mark?” His voice was rigid, and on the edge of control. “How old were you?” His fingers squeezed the rail so tightly I was afraid his knuckles might cut through the skin.

I swallowed, remembering. “Fourteen the first time.”

He exhaled heavily and looked at the ground. “How many times?”

“Six.” I kept my voice even. “I was lucky.”

His head snapped up. “
Lucky
?” he growled.

I nodded. “I was better at retrieval and assassination. They only needed me for—
that
—if there was more to the mission than other agents could handle.”

“You never said anything about that kind of assignment before,” he said. “You never even
hinted
.”

I uncoiled slightly. “I'm not exactly proud of it.” Travis's eyebrows shot up and I rolled my eyes. “I mean, I'm not proud of
anything
I did for them, but the other stuff—the guilt I can handle. At least in those situations I was in control of what happened to me.” He watched me steadily, and I scooted halfway down the bed, somehow feeling like I needed to be closer for him to understand. “Everything I did for KATO makes me sick. The things I stole for them, the people I killed—all of it. But nothing made me feel more like property—more weak and dirty—than having to trade myself for the sake of an assignment.”

Travis pursed his lips and nodded. He was still angry, but it wasn't at me anymore. “And that's exactly what we made you do.”

I shook my head. “But it wasn't the same—or, it shouldn't have been. I knew this mission wouldn't end up the same way, I just didn't expect to have the reaction that I did. It wasn't until the dress.”

He shook his head, disgusted. “If I had known you were one of ours—all those times we fought. I could have grabbed you. I could have brought you back.”

He was so genuine that it tugged at my heart in a way I didn't know was possible—in a way I couldn't handle. So instead I smirked. “You would have had to beat me first.”

It took him a moment, but eventually he smiled too. “I beat you the first time.”

My smile widened. “And I shot you for that later.”

Then he got serious again. “You could have killed me that time,” he said slowly, like he was trying to work something out. “When we were both after the Project Pegasus files. You had the shot.”

I took a slow breath through my nose. “You weren't a required target.”

He looked me dead in the eyes. “I would have killed
you
if I had gotten the chance.”

I swallowed. “I know.”

He nodded, considering me. “You have a good heart.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don't—”

“You
do
.” He was fierce and firm, and it clearly wasn't up for debate. I clamped my jaw shut even though I didn't completely believe him.

Everything I'd done for KATO settled on the surface of my memories, which made it hard for him to be right. I twisted my hair off my neck, feeling suddenly overheated. Travis's face scrunched as he studied me. Something had caught his eye. I let my hair fall and it seemed to bring him back to reality.

“What?” I asked.

“Your scar,” he said. “Did the same person who did that put you on those jobs?”

I subconsciously brushed my hair over the scar, not used to having it exposed. “It doesn't matter.”

“Joss, please.” I startled at the nickname. I hadn't been called that since before I was kidnapped. “We're talking about this. Just answer
my questions so we don't have to ever again.”

At first I didn't say anything, but after a moment I nodded. “It was the same person—more or less. It was my handler. A guy named Chin Ho. He was in charge of me from the time I was kidnapped. The missions came from higher up, but he had to sign off on all of them. He also trained me and drugged me and, if it was necessary, he would have killed me.” I paused. “If they catch me, he
will
be the one to kill me.”

“That's not going to happen.” He dismissed the thought so casually, it was as if there was absolutely no possibility. I ran my hand through my hair and slid away from him. He was wrong. And he had to know he was wrong. But I was too tired to argue.

He straightened up and finally released the rail. “You should get some sleep.” Then he considered me for a moment. “Dr. March is going to need to know what you told me. Do you want to tell her or do you want me to?”

I swallowed hard. I had never been someone to let other people do the hard job. But I had also never had the choice not to. And the truth was, I shuddered at the thought of telling anyone else that story. I bit my lip. “I don't want to do it again.”

He nodded, his eyes level and understanding. “I'll take care of it.” He moved to the door.

“Travis,” I said before he could leave. “You're not—” He stopped short of the door, waiting patiently for me to find the right words. “You're not heartless. I didn't mean—I shouldn't have—”

“It's okay,” he said, mercifully cutting me off. “I get it. But thank you.” I nodded and he smiled. “Get some sleep.”

I fell almost instantly into the soundest sleep I had ever had.

D
r. March cleared me the next day. We talked about the mission a little bit, but she didn't push, which I was grateful for.

I went late to the training room my first day back. The agents-only gym time was over and I had the place to myself, which is why I was surprised when the door opened and Sam walked in.

I stopped punching the bag and turned around. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

He had his backpack on with the straps loosened so that it hung low. He sauntered over toward me, like he owned the room. “I got kicked out of combat training,” he said with a careless shrug.

I shook my head, but I had to smile. Most of the morning classes were taught by the same agents who teach the afternoon classes. “Did you piss off Harper again?”

“I might have.” He dropped his backpack and leaned against the wall. “I'm supposed to go find Agent Lee, but I'm going to be in pretty big trouble, so I'm not in a rush.”

I started hitting the punching bag again. “Like you would get in trouble with her.”

He laughed. “Are you kidding me? I'm in trouble with her more
than I am anyone in the building. I'm late to almost
every
class. Just because she doesn't give me a hard time about it doesn't mean I don't end up in detention.”

I stared at him, astonished. “Then why are you late every day?”

“Because I have access to the agent-prep rooms, which I can only use when no one else is in there.” He flashed a proud smile. “So, it's more than a fair trade-off.”

“You've really got this place wired, don't you?” I asked.

He laughed. “Jocelyn, you have no idea.” He started digging through his backpack. “Anyway, I'm glad I found you. I did some investigating on your mom while you were away.”

I couldn't help the way my heart tensed. “What did you find?” I kept my voice calm and curious.

He pulled a file folder out of his bag and handed it to me. “These are some of the projects she worked on.” Inside were pages and pages of weapons plans. My stomach roiled. From jewelry with built-in tranquilizers to nerve-gas grenades, my mom seemed to have been involved in it all.

“I don't know what her role was in these projects yet,” Sam said, snapping me out of my trance. “All I could come up with so far is that she was involved with them, but I'll keep looking.”

I nodded, trying to ignore the twisted feeling in my chest. “Thanks, Sam,” I said, tearing my eyes away from the pages. “Really.”

“Don't mention it,” he said, zipping up his backpack. “I should get going. Agent Lee isn't going to be happy if she has to come looking for me.”

“What exactly did you do to Agent Harper anyway?” I asked.

“That's the thing,” Sam said. “I don't even know.”

I arched an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, right.”

He smiled. “Okay, fine. It might have had something to do with the punch I landed to his face when we were doing a hand-to-hand punching drill.” My stress faded away and I laughed. Sam shrugged again. “Harper was walking by and my hand just—slipped.”

“Did it at least feel good?” I asked.

Sam's face lit up. “Oh, better than you can even imagine.” He put his backpack over his shoulders. “See you later, KATO girl. I'll let you know if I come up with anything else.”

 • • • 

Later that night I flipped through the file Sam gave me again, but I couldn't stomach any more than that. At least, not until I knew more details. And it wasn't long before Travis gave me something new to think about. The first time I saw him after the medical wing had been when we crossed paths early Monday morning, three days after I was released. I could tell he wanted to say something, but I wouldn't give him the chance. Instead I asked him about when we were going start working on finding Eliza. We made plans to skip the afternoon training session and meet in the library when I was done with my classes.

I knew the library was on the top floor of the tech and training facility, but I'd never had a reason to go until now. It was expansive. Tables filled the front portion of the room, and behind that were shelves and shelves of books. Travis said there were some private rooms in the back that had access to the library's inventory along with the IDA's databases. Most of the tables were taken by either students studying or by agents who seemed to be flipping pages with
intense concentration. I saw Gwen and Olivia working at a table nearby, and asked them to point me in the right direction. I started moving through the stacks, walking slowly, taking in each section until a voice stopped me.

“Are you kidding me?” I turned into one of the aisles to see Rachel glaring at me. “You've taken over every other place on campus. You had to come
here
too?”

I rolled my eyes. She had every right to hate me, but she didn't own the campus. “It's not
your
library,” I said.

She stepped toward me. “All of this is mine.” She was much closer than I was comfortable with, cornering me against the bookcase. “
You
don't belong here.”

I met her eyes. She was trying to bait me. “You need to step back.”

Instead she stepped closer. “You going to kill me if I don't? That's what you do, right? You didn't get me before so you have to finish what you started?”

“If that's what I wanted, you wouldn't have to ask.” The more she invaded my personal space, the less patience I had.

She shoved me into the books. “You need to pay for the damage you've done. No one's made you!”

I pushed her off me, but I didn't attack. It was what she wanted. Though, apparently a push was all it took. She tried to punch me, but I dodged it and stepped back, putting some space between us. She moved for another hit, but we were interrupted before she could.

“What's going on here?” Travis asked, strolling casually in front of me, effectively forcing Rachel to keep her distance. He faced Rachel with his arms crossed, making it clear who he thought was
responsible.

“You're defending
her
?” She was stunned. “You're picking the cold killer over
me
?”

I couldn't see his face, but his stance and voice were rigid. “You can go now.”

The hurt in her eyes deepened. “I can't
believe
you!”

Travis didn't move a muscle. And after it became clear that he wasn't changing his mind, Rachel turned away from him and stormed out of the library. Travis didn't move even after she was gone. He stood eyeing the doors until he was sure she wasn't coming back. Then when he turned to me, it was with this mixed expression—like he didn't quite know what to make of me. “This way,” he said, leading me back down the aisle. I was surprised he didn't have more questions, but when I looked back I saw that the handful of people in the room were watching, Gwen and Olivia included. We stalked to the back of the library where a row of doors lined the back wall. He found an empty room and didn't speak until the door was shut.

“Why did you let that happen?” he asked.

“
Let
?” He was blaming
me
? “
She
attacked me!”

“I saw.” He was fairly calm, given the situation. “And you did nothing to stop her. So, why not?”

I glanced up at him. It was getting easier to tell him the truth. “Because I've hurt her enough.”

His face softened. “You've never taken any of her shit before.”

“If she says something to me, I'll say something back,” I said. “But this was different.”

I leaned against the table in the room and Travis came next to me. “You were in an impossible situation.”

“I know,” I said, nodding. “I wouldn't do things any differently. I did what I had to do. But that doesn't make it okay.”

“Have you tried apologizing?” he asked.

I snorted. “How is an apology from me going to mean anything?”

He shook his head. “I don't know. But Rachel doesn't forget easily.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I figured that out.”

“Look,” he said. “I know this is none of my business, but have you ever talked to someone about—
everything
that's happened to you?”

I tilted my head, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean someone who can help you work through all of this.”

I shook my head. “I don't want to work through it.”

“Joss—”

“No.” I was firm. “I don't want to get past any of this. Not while I can still end up back there.”

“You won't.” His face was sympathetic.

“I could.” I looked right into his eyes, trying to make him understand. “I need to remember what they can do. I need to remember what's at stake and I need to use all of it to hurt them. I won't be able to do any of that if I get
past
it. I need to hold on to it for a little while longer.”

He held my gaze, but his face didn't change. Then I pushed myself away from the table. “We have bigger things to worry about for now,” I said.

“Right.” He straightened up and gestured to the row of four computers along the back wall. “
These
are what we came here for. They have access to every file the IDA has. You need a level-six clearance to access the least secure files, which because of my special research
project, I have.” He logged on to a computer. “I got Simmonds to give you access too.”

“Okay,” I said, taking a seat next to him. “You look for anything science related. I'll go back through everything on KATO and see if I can pick out a connection you might have overlooked.”

“Good plan.” He started typing. “You want to look for the Cole database.”

I pulled up the database while I told him everything I knew about KATO's scientific interests. It wasn't much, but neither of us knew what would be relevant. We'd gotten into a pattern of a few frantic keystrokes, followed by a minute of silence, then more typing. About an hour in, I noticed Travis had been quiet for five minutes. I glanced over and saw he was completely engrossed in something.

“What did you find?” I asked.

He jumped and turned to me, startled. Like he had forgotten about me. “Joss—did your—” He broke off, swallowed, then tried again. “Did your mom develop anything KATO would have an interest in?”

My head snapped in his direction. “What are you looking at?”

“I tried the scientific angle, like you said.” He leaned back so I could get a better look. “And your mom came up.”

After what Sam had given me I wasn't surprised that her name popped up, but I didn't expect to see it tied to science. I filled in Travis on everything I knew about my mom. It didn't seem directly relevant until now.

“So you think they killed her because—”

“They were done with her.” I swallowed. “I've been trying to figure out what weapon KATO made her build, but now it seems like I
should be wondering how many she had a hand in.” I rubbed the back of my neck.

“Stop,” Travis said, sliding a hair closer. “We don't know enough about her work to try and guess. And as far as our records go, there wasn't any kind of advanced weapon development during your first five years at KATO.”

I exhaled heavily. “But that doesn't make any sense,” I said. “If she was good enough to hold on to for three years, she must have been useful to them. They wouldn't have gotten rid of her until she gave them what they wanted.”

“We'll figure out how this all fits together,” he said. “If her job was science related, it may even help us. Whatever your mom was working on is probably very different from what Dr. Foster's doing, but the one thing they both have in common is that neither of them wanted to be doing the work. Which means they were both likely to draw the process out as much as possible. If we can find out what your mom was doing and how much work she had done coming in, we might have a little bit of a better idea how patient KATO is willing to be.”

I nodded. “And from there, we can figure out what kind of a timetable we're looking at for Dr. Foster.”

“Exactly,” he said. “We need to find out what your mom's job was at the IDA. Then we can see exactly how different or similar it is to Foster's.”

“Sam seemed close to finding something out,” I said, wheeling back over to my computer. “But for now let's see what else we can come up with on our own.”

 • • • 

Travis and I hadn't found anything else helpful, but I didn't feel
defeated. While we were researching, Simmonds had the tech team working on decrypting the drive with the new tech we'd brought back from Germany. Hopefully between the three of us we would end up with a more solid idea of where we should be looking.

I was so lost in thought, I hadn't realized Sam had shown up surprisingly early to Lee's class until he'd waved his hand in front of my face. I blinked a few times. “Oh,” I said. “Hi.”

He smirked. “Those deep thoughts wouldn't have to do with an interesting article you found yesterday, would they?”

The article. I quirked an eyebrow at him. “Seriously, how do you know these things?”

Sam smiled. “Trade secrets.”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course. Do you need me to give you any kind of background?”

He waved me off. “I think I've pretty much got it figured out.”

“How close are you to getting access to her job description?” I asked.

“I'm still couple clearance levels away, but I'm getting there.”

“Is there any way you could put a rush on it?”

“Consider it done,” he said. Then he got quiet for a moment. I could tell there was something else he wanted to say, but it took him a moment to work up the courage. “I know you didn't ask about this, but I've been looking into your father on the side. The search team isn't moving as fast as they'd like.”