Covertly Strong (The Strong Series Book 1) (7 page)

And this time you can show me the ropes… Wipe that cheesy smile off your face.

Wait… No… Leave it there. Your smile is one of my favorite things in the entire world. It’s right up there with those gorgeous eyes and that little birthmark above your cute ass.

Speaking of your cute ass and my favorite birthmark…

I hope we’re getting close to naked picture time…

Are you blushing? Fuck, I hope you’re blushing right now while you’re reading this.

And how could I forget about that night we hung out with the old guy who owns the least classy strip club in Honolulu. I’m pretty sure he offered you a job (even though he knew you were underage) and you just sat there smoking cigars like a fucking mafia lord.

God, you were so damn sexy…

I’m not sure how I’m going to survive this next year without you, but I’ll just keep reminding myself that this time next summer we will be together again… Somehow…someway…it will happen.

I love you, Sloan.

Nix

P.S. Remember when we went skinny-dipping at Lulumahu Falls? By far one of the best days of my fucking life.

P.P.S. Enjoy the chocolate chip cookies courtesy of Mrs. West.

October 31
st
, 1999

Caveman,

I need another Momma West chocolate chip cookie fix! Please make that happen ASAP.

And I need to hear your voice again. More than I need my next breath.

Let’s make that happen ASAFP. Like that little F-bomb I threw in there?

I hate that long-distance phone calls cost so much! I keep thinking that maybe we should consider starting email accounts, but then again, I don’t think I can give up seeing your ridiculous handwriting and holding your letters to my chest. It makes me feel closer to you in some weird, hopelessly-in-love sort of way.

Does that make sense? Or am I talking crazy again?

I keep trying to talk my parents into letting me fly out to Hawaii to see you. Initially, they were all for it. Then my dad saw the cost of a plane ticket. Needless to say, I’m not going to be making the trek to Honolulu anytime soon. (Insert my pouty face that you love so much.)

Naked pictures? Hmmmm… You probably should remember that my dad is the one taking all of these letters to the post office on base, AND he also brings your letters/packages home to me. I really doubt John Walker would appreciate finding pics of me in my birthday suit. Eeeeeek! I’m mortified at just the thought of that!

Anyways, I hope you like the pictures I sent you along with this impossibly sappy letter. I know they weren’t naked pictures, but at least you get to see my face.

I just wish you were here to experience Naples with me.

I guess pictures and letters are what we have to settle with right now, but baby, I can’t wait for the day to show you around Italy. There are so many amazing things I want you to see! Pizza and gelato I want to feed you! I have a ridiculously long list that I’m keeping track of, and one day, I’ll be able to put it to good use.

So the homecoming dance is coming up soon at McKinley… I hope you’re going to go.

I won’t be mad if you take a date. I just want you to have fun and not miss out on anything during senior year. Like you said so many times before, what we have is real and there is absolutely nothing that could change that ironclad fact.

I saw an older couple walking the streets of Naples, hand in hand, and it made me think of us. It made me feel hopeful and excited. I know one day we’ll be doing just that wherever we may be. I don’t care where we live or what we’re doing, I only care that you’re the one I’m living my life with. See? I told you this was a sappy letter. I can’t help myself. You stir something inside me that I just can’t deny.

I know in my heart that you are my future and nothing will ever change that.

I really do love Naples, but I miss Hawaii. Surf some waves for me, baby.

And don’t ever forget how much I love you.

Yours Always,

Meli

P.S. Remember that crazy party Steph threw when her parents were out of town after prom? I’ll never forget how we snuck away from everyone with a cheap bottle of wine and sat in Mr. Munn’s office getting drunk and making prank calls to everyone within a ten-mile radius. I have never laughed so hard in my entire life.

P.P.S. You have a serious obsession with my Spanish-speaking abilities.

November 15
th
, 1999

My Meli,

Baby, I miss you.

I keep looking at the pictures you sent and they make my chest ache. I love seeing your smile and those big, brown eyes of yours, but I can’t stand that I’m not there with you. I wish I were the person behind that lens making you laugh and flash that cheesy grin.

Homecoming wasn’t the same without you there.

Yes, I had fun, but I refused to go with the wrong girl on my arm, because, Meli, you’re my girl. No one else. Not now. Not ever. So it just didn’t feel right taking someone else.

The guys give me shit all the time in regards to you, and you know what?

I fucking love it. I love that I’m so caught up in your sassy little spell that I can’t see anyone else. I know you’re smiling right now, and, babe, you should be. I know what everyone thinks… We’re young and naïve and that our feelings for each other will change. No one thinks we can make this last, but I know we can. This will last because there isn’t any other option for me. I don’t want anyone else. I just want you. I want you. All day. Every day. On goddamn repeat. How’s that for sappy?

I got a job helping out at Murphy’s Garage on the weekends. I’m hoping this will fund our need for frequent phone calls. My first paycheck is going to long-distance calling cards for both of us. And don’t even think about refusing it. I need to hear your sexy voice more often than once a goddamn month.

Enjoy the ridiculous amount of chocolate chip cookies my mom made for you. And the pictures I threw in from homecoming. I also added one of my favorite pictures of us. Remember that day? The day you demanded that I teach you how to surf? I’ll never forget that day.

I love you,

Nix

P.S. I drove by Old Man Kamaka’s place last week… Does that bring back any memories? I know it does. I’ll never forget watching you hop that crazy-high fence and kidnap his dog because you were pissed that he’d left his little mutt out in the heat too long. Watching him attempt to chase you down while I waited to drive you away in the “getaway car” was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. But I will say… You taught that old guy a lesson. Every time I drive past his place, I never see his dog lying outside nearly dying from heat stroke. You are so crazy in the best kind of way, baby. I fucking love it.

MAY 1
ST
, 2000

Nix,

I keep hoping that you’ll respond.

I keep praying that my dad will come home from the post office with a letter from you.

Please. Please. Please. Just give me something. A phone call. A letter. Anything.

I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I feel like I’m in perpetual night.

I keep reading through all of your old letters and I just can’t understand why.

Why?

My heart refuses to accept that this is the end. Please don’t let this be the end of us. You were such a big part of my life. You were my best friend. Goddammit, you ARE my best friend.

You’re my everything.

I love you so much that my chest can’t stop aching from your absence.

Please, Nix.

Missing You Desperately,

Sloan

P.S. I’ve added ALL of my contact information. Phone numbers where you can reach me in Japan. Even my email address. I hope you’ll respond soon.

June 1
st
, 2000

Nix,

I just don’t understand. My chest feels hollow, and I ache for you in every single cell inside of my body. I wish I knew your reasoning for no longer responding to my letters. I’ve tried to call you so many times, but the phone just rings and rings and rings and rings...

I feel like I’ve lost all possibilities in reaching you. Hell, I even resorted to trying to get in touch with anyone from the base in Honolulu to see if they knew anything, but it’s like you’ve completely disappeared.

What happened Nix?

Have you moved on?

Did it just get too hard?

A part of me wants to be angry with you, but I can’t seem to find the strength to do anything but love you. I’ve tried like hell to hold on to hope that you’ll come around, but after six months of being in perpetual limbo, I can’t seem to find the strength to write you anymore.

This has all felt like a terrible dream. I keep hoping that I’ll wake up from it, that I’ll open my eyes and there will be a letter from you in the mailbox waiting for me.

But I can’t seem to wake up. This nightmare is my reality.

Sometimes I try to convince myself that I wasn’t in love with you. That maybe my heart never really skipped a beat when you flashed that gorgeous smile at me. That maybe the twinkle I thought I saw in your blue eyes was really just the sun reflecting weird. And maybe the feeling in my stomach, the butterflies that fluttered inside my belly whenever you were near, was just some weird fluke.

But then I remember. I remember you. I remember us together.

And I can’t deny the fact that our love was real. It had seeped into my veins and flowed inside my blood, breathing so much life into my heart. Love. We had so much love, Nix. And the seconds after I come out of my daydreams, fantasizing about being together again, reliving the moments we shared…I can physically feel my heart breaking all over again.

You know what the worst part of all of this is?

It’s how much I miss you. Not in some cheesy-romantic-movie, happily-ever-after, prince-on-the-white-horse kind of way. I just miss you. I miss you in my life. I miss my best friend.

But it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even remember what it’s like to not feel broken. I’m just walking aimlessly through the foreign streets of Honshu, Japan (which I hate, by the way), barely breathing. My thoughts are lost…so far away. My mind is always racing, my heart is always aching, and sleep just doesn’t come easy. But God, do I wish I could sleep. Because at least when I’m sleeping, I’m not remembering.

I know that we’re young, and I’m sure the fact that my father was transferred again on such short notice didn’t make things any easier, but I stayed optimistic that things would not end like this.

It just hurts.

Why does it hurt so fucking bad?

This pain is nearly unbearable, and I keep hoping that time will make this easier. I keep praying that soon this jagged scar within my heart will heal.

Maybe one day I will feel whole again.

I know down to my very soul that what we had was real, and the pain I feel from your absence only solidifies that fact. Every ache, every burn, and every terrible sensation that terrorizes my heart gives me an odd sense of relief. In a sick and twisted way, this heartache is worth it to me. It proves that we tried for something, and even after all of the pain, I still wouldn’t take any of it back. Despite this unbearable agony, I’d still do it all over again.

Loving you will never be a mistake for me.

You’ve changed me, and I can never regret that fact. I’ll never forget the times we shared—the smiles, the laughter, every perfect moment—that brought so much meaning into my life. You are my first love and you will forever hold a precious place in my heart—a place that I’m not sure anyone will ever be able to touch.

I truly hope that you’re happy. That you’re living. That you’re still being the fun-loving, spontaneous Nix I’ve come to love so much.