Conflicted (14 page)

I had no idea that she was a virgin until I noticed the blood on the condom. I thanked all that was holy that I was taking my time and being easy. Knowing how
important the first time was, I tried my best to make it spectacular. In a way, I wanted to ruin her for all future boyfriends.

After we
finished, regret washed over me. I had just slept with my best friend’s sister. Things were going to fall apart, crumble, blow up, and it was all going to be my fault. Needless to say, I was shocked when she told me that it was a one-time thing and that no one was ever to find out about it. I wasn’t sure if I could trust her or not and spent the next year waiting for the bomb to drop, but it never did.

I spent the next three years pretending a lot of my one-night stands were her.

A car horn snapped me back to the present and I slowly stepped on the gas. The rest of the ride back passed way too quickly in silence. As I pulled into the driveway and put the car in park, Joss leaned in and kissed my lips lightly.

“I want you to know that whatever happens once we’re in there, I don’t regret one second that I spent with you. I never will,” she stated firmly before climbing out and heading up the walkway.

I love you.
I couldn’t say it out loud, but I needed the closure.

It was the end of our chapter.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

NO
TURNING BACK

The front door burst open and everyone crowded around us. Sucking in a deep breath, I followed Joss up the paved pathway. The shouting started and I did my best to tune it out. Hurt and angry looks came from everyone. I was shocked when Blake cleared his throat loudly, causing everyone to silence and halt in place.

“I’m sure whatever caused this
incident
was serious enough that Joss felt the need to be there for him. I’m not exactly thrilled right now either, but before everyone goes off the deep end, I think we owe it to them to at least hear them out.”

After I was
done picking my jaw up off the floor, everyone started making their way back into the living room. I wasn’t sure I wanted to delve into the whole Skylar thing yet. I had barely even had time to register it myself. There was no real justifiable reason for our actions anyway. Even if there was, they weren’t going to see it that way.

“Lucky for you, my parents went out to dinner,” Blake whispered so only I could hear.

Brittany looked at me expectantly, and I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. She was a good girl; the girl who would be loyal and patient with me, and I’d fucked it up. I’d never felt like that before, not with Joss or Kennedy.

My heart constricted because it
hadn’t occurred to me until now, when it was already too late. I knew that forgiveness wasn’t going to be easy, if it was even attainable.

Sure, we weren’t exclusive. There wasn’t even a title for what we were. We were cuddle buddies
who made out, a lot, and occasionally slept in the same bed. Hell, I hadn’t even seen her naked. Then there was the fling that Joss had going on with Zach. She seemed really into him, yet she ran off to me the second I called.
Fucking-A.

I walked into the room and took a seat off to the side. My brain was still trying to figure out what it wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.

All eyes were on me. Waiting.

“It’s not what you think it is” was the best I could come up with. Yes, I’m a genius when it comes to handling uncomfortable situations.

“Really? Why don’t you enlighten us
then?” Zach asked, fuming. I wanted to punch him in his pretty boy face.

“Don’t snap at him like that,” Joss spat back.

“You’re standing up for him now?” he seethed, turning to her.

“Like Derek said, maybe it’s not everything you think it is,” Jake quickly intervened.

“So, I’m sure there is a perfectly viable explanation as to why the fuck your lips are swollen and your shirt is ripped wide open and all the buttons are missing?” Zach yelled.

“It was my fault,” I said.

Zach jumped out of his seat and came at me with fury in his green eyes.

“I wouldn’t do that,” Jake said, but it was too late.

Zach tried throwing the first punch, which I quickly blocked using my forearm. I shoved him away from me, but the fucker just came back for more. Joss was yelling at him to stop, but he wasn’t listening. He managed to grab hold of the front of my shirt and I head-butted him in the nose, causing blood to come pouring out. Just as he was about to come at me again, he halted in place.

“ENOUGH!” Blake yelled, pulling me back
and making us crash into the glass coffee table, causing it to shatter. “Motherfucker! This is turning into a fucking disaster!”

After I
managed to get to my feet, I looked around and noticed that Brittany wasn’t in the room anymore. I felt the bile rise in my throat as I realized what this must all look like to her. Not that I wasn’t guilty of doing exactly what she thought I did, but the whole breaking into a boxing match wasn’t part of the plan.

Running out of the room, I made my way out the front door and out into the road. I saw her walking down the street, seeing just her silhouette in the streetlamps. Taking off in a sprint, I ran as fast as my legs would
carry me until I caught up with her.

“Not now, Derek.
” I deserved it. I deserved everything she was going to throw at me, and more.

“Please, Britt. Just give me a chance to explain,” I pleaded.

She wouldn’t slow her stride. “I don’t need you to explain anything. I think the evidence speaks for itself, don’t you?”

“I’d say I’m sorry that it happened, but I’d be lying
and I promised you I’d never lie to you. We did sleep together, but that’s just what it is between us.”

She stopped and turned to glare at me. The phrase
if looks could kill
sprang to mind.

“So you can look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t love her?”

“No I can’t, but I think I could learn to love you too. Britt, what I feel for you is turning into something. It’s extremely hard for me to love anyone or anything. It takes me a lot longer.” It pained me to say it, but it was true. “I built these walls around myself to protect what little I had left. It’s nearly impossible to get through them, yet you probably know more about me after weeks than most people I’ve known for years do. I’m trying and I’d never want you to do something that you didn’t want to or to feel pressured into doing something just to make me happy. I just have a lot of skeletons that need tending to.”

“If you needed sex
, you should have come to me. That should be my job, not hers!” She sobbed. I tried to put my arms around her, only to get pushed away.

“I don’t know if I can do that with you just yet. It’s not that I don’t want to, or that I don’t see you like that, because trust me,
I do
. I really fucking do. But you’re different. If and when something happens, I don’t want you to wake up and regret it. I’d rather cut off my hands.” If that wasn’t a declaration, then I don’t know what is…

“Right now, I’m regretting coming here with you. You can think I’m crazy. I’m not
; far from it actually. I’m just a girl out to make her mark on the world and failing one mistake at a time. I’m the girl that wears her heart on her sleeve and obviously gives too freely. I’m the girl that gets burned time and time again, but for whatever stupid reason keeps letting it happen. I’m the girl that has had her heart broken, shattered and torn to shreds, but somehow it’s still beating. I’m the girl that wants to make people smile and laugh, but uses it to hide how sad she actually is. But don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I always am,” she spat.

“Joss and I have
history. I trust her and she understands how I am. I didn’t intend to have sex with her.” I apologized, knowing I was digging myself a hole.

The n
ext thing I saw was her small fist colliding with my face. It didn’t hurt, but I was taken a little by surprise. She was furious and had angry tears rolling down her flushed cheeks.

“Fuck you! Fuck you for trying to hide from your pain! Fuck you for making me fall for you! Fuck you and the games you play! Just leave me alone, Derek!”

I felt a pair of strong hands on my shoulders; it was Blake.

“Dude, you’re bleeding. You’re probably going to need to get some stitches from falling into the table
. Jake is going to take Brittany to a hotel so she has a chance to cool down. There’s no fixing anything right now. Everyone is way too emotional. Give her some space.”

I looked down to see blood dripping
onto the pavement. It didn’t hurt. In fact, I couldn’t feel a thing. I was utterly numb. As much as I hated to admit it, Blake was right. I needed to let her go.

I watched as Jake drove the Tahoe to the corner. Brittany climbed inside, closing the door behind her
, and they drove off into the night.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

RECKLESS & LOST

One week later…

I hadn’t seen Brittany in five days, five
very long days. I wondered if she would show up tonight. I doubted it, but I was still hopeful. The day after everything went down I sent her flowers, which she probably tossed right in the trash. The next day, I sent her popcorn. That had to mean something, since she knew how much I hated it and why. After that, I sent her little things that reminded me of her. She refused to answer my calls or texts. I debated showing up at her hotel, but that would probably only end in a restraining order. Frustrated, I threw myself into getting ready for the benefit concert and focusing on forgetting that I had a parole hearing coming up in two days and I needed to go see my dad tomorrow. I did have one final trump card if she showed up, though…

Luckily, I didn’t need stitches after the whole episode when shit hit the fan. They were able to glue a couple of the deeper ones back together
and I wouldn’t have any permanent damage. The thought of fucking up my hands scared the hell out of me. If I couldn’t play the drums, I would be lost. It was my way of letting out my frustration and pain. It was my coping mechanism.

Joss managed to work things out with Zach.
Even though I was going through my own shit, I was happy for her. I just hoped that he knew exactly how fucking lucky he was to have a girl like her. If not, there would be a round two that would definitely end with him getting stitches.

The guys and I pulled up to the venue. The crew was already
there and they’d started to cart in our equipment. It was funny thinking back to when we’d started out and had had to do all of this ourselves; now we had people doing it for us.

The show had sold out the first day the tickets went on sale. We were expecting pure mayhem since we hadn’t played a show in months and we had publicized the hell out of it.

Walking in through the stage door, I saw Joss and Zach cuddled up off in the corner. Even though I was happy for them, it killed me to see them together all lovey-dovey when I doubted that Britt and I would ever be like that again. I was destined to be alone. Regardless, I put on a brave face and walked over to where Kevin and Blake were standing. They were going over the set list and making cracks at one another, making me smile at two of my best friends.

“Anyone have a clue where the rest of Guilty Tendencies are?”
Jake yelled from outside the door, causing Zach to jump up and almost causing Joss to fall.

“They’re around here somewhere. They were setting up,” Zach said, stuttering slightly. It was hilarious how intimidated he was by Jake, and Jake played it up
big time.

“I’m just fucking with you, though you should take your tongue out of Joss’ mouth. You wouldn’t want to rupture a vocal cord right before your first
big gig,” he teased.

Everything was fun and normal, well
our
normal, until I spotted Tyler from across the room. I saw red
.
I didn’t need this tonight, or ever for that matter.

“What
? Are you stalking me now, too?” I shouted at him, and quickly made my way over to where he was standing.

He laughed nervously, unsure what to do. “No, this is my band.”

The guys eyed me suspiciously. You could cut the tension with a knife. I was waiting for them to put two and two together.

“Don’t be a fucktard, asshole. You did this on purpose, didn’t you?” My hands were shaking as I
got in his face. I kept chanting,
do not punch him in the face and break your hand,
over and over in my head.

“Your opening act cancelled. That girl over there met us the other night and asked us to fill in. She cleared it with the singer and the bassist; that’s why we’re here.” He pointed a shaky finger over to Joss, who
looked pale. I knew she had already figured it out. 

That’s when I spotted Kelsey coming out of one of the dressing rooms, still fixing her skewed clothes.
Her face turned a bright shade of red. I was officially going to lose my shit. I didn’t even know he was a fucking musician!

“Was this a setup?” I blurted out. “That night in Vegas
? You knew who I was, didn’t you?”

Kelsey
took a protective stance in front of Tyler and looked up at me with her big, blue eyes. “Kind of, sort of. See, we’re huge fans of yours and we were at your show in LA. Afterward, we went backstage to the meet and greet, but stayed in the shadows. I may have overheard something about Blake heading to Vegas to get married and made it a point to follow.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “They’re struggling musicians, just like you guys once were. All they needed was a shot at the big time to get noticed. It wasn’t supposed to go down like it did. We never meant to betray you like that.”

“Why do you think I kept calling you?” Tyler said in self-justification. “You have no idea how much I wanted to come clean, but no matter how hard I tried
, it just wasn’t ever the right time. Then you stopped answering my calls and Kelsey and I decided we would just let it go.”

Timing being off was something I
could totally relate to. It was the story of my life. The funny thing about time is that it’s always ticking. It never slows down, nor speeds up. Sometimes it just takes one second for everything in your life to change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse; in my case, it was usually the latter. Then I’d met Brittany, and I’d thought that maybe things would start going my way for once. However, I’d managed to fuck that one up perfectly all on my own.

“You should have said something!” I sucked in a deep breath
. “This is some seriously fucked up shit,” I yelled, kicking over a garbage can and sending it flying across the room.

Regret
. We all have it. Things you would have done differently. Here I was drowning, caught in the current and barely keeping my head above water most days. Music was my only outlet. The one thing that never failed to let me down, no matter how shitty things got. There isn’t anything else that I would rather be doing than sitting behind my drum kit, safe from this fucked up world.

Neither
Kelsey nor Tyler knew the struggle I went through after it all went down. All of the questions that raced through my mind. All of the nights that I stayed awake, trying to remind myself that I could have said no. I could have just as easily stayed at the bar getting drunk. I could have done a lot of things differently, but I didn’t. Kelsey was still hot as fuck and Tyler - well, he was just Tyler and a fellow musician.

We could move past this like adults, right?

I didn’t even see it coming when the clacking of heels against the concrete floor grew louder and I saw Joss grab a handful of Kelsey’s platinum blonde hair.
Pushing her up against the wall, Joss used her free hand to smack Kelsey in the face. Hard.

“You fucking bitch! Do you have any idea how torn up he was about this? Do you?” 

If they didn’t before, now the world was going to know thanks to Joss’ big mouth.

“N-no,” Kelsey stuttered.

“I didn’t think so. You should be ashamed of yourself!” Joss spat.

Zach came and pulled her off, taking a few cautious steps back. Unfortunately, something that I didn’t want the world to know was about to get aired out like fresh laundry. I was going to have to offer some sort of explanation for both m
y and Joss’ actions.

Jake put his thumb and pointer finger to his mouth and let out a loud whistle, ordering everyone to calm the fuck down and squeeze into the dressing room.

Breathing in a small sigh of relief, I was grateful that he had my back no matter what I did, no matter how stupid. The room was small and cramped by the time everyone was inside. All eyes trained on me, then Tyler. Kelsey let out a sigh and delved into the whole story from the beginning and spared some of the more intimate details of what happened in Vegas, for which I was grateful.

My stomach was in knots
and I needed a drink, or five, to quell my nerves. At least everything was out in the open now. Everyone knew and there was nothing left to hide. I already felt like shit for not telling the guys about what happened the other night at Kennedy’s, but with everything going on, there was no need to add to the mounting pressure.

Joss stepped away from Zach and came to wrap her arms around me. She leaned up and kissed my cheek whispering, “I’m really proud of you for
containing yourself.”

I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh
, since I was surprised by my own self-restraint. She quickly made her way back to Zach and packed on the PDA, making him smug. Jake dismissed everyone and asked me to stay, closing the door firmly behind them as they left.

“You okay?”
he asked, concerned.

“Yep,” I said, popping on the P.
             

“Dude, that’s some seriously fucked up shit. I wish we would have known Tyler was part of the band
earlier.”

“There’s no way you could have known. It’s all
good, really.”

“
Are you turning into a grown-up on me? Should I grab the camera?” Then he turned serious. “While I have you here, there’s something else I need to talk to you about. I wanted to wait until after the parole hearing, since you have a lot going on, but it can’t wait any more.” I nodded for him to get on with it. “As long as you’re okay with it, we’re going to leave the label.”

“What?” I asked, confused. “Why would we do that?”

“Because they take a huge cut of our money for doing nothing but fucking us over and running us into the ground. Think about it, man. They tour us like crazy, and they expect way too much too soon. Sure, having them behind us has helped immensely, but it’s time to move onto bigger and better things.”

I could tell that this wasn’t something that he
’d just thought of. He’d obviously been thinking about this for a long time. Regardless, whatever he made, I would stand behind him one hundred and ten percent. He was smart and knew the industry just as well as the label, if not better. His balls to the wall personality got shit done.

“What exactly did you have in mind? How are we going to move forward?”

“I want to start an indie label. We have enough capital backing to do it, no problem. We already have the studio and it will allow us more flexibility. Besides, we can’t keep doing the rock star thing forever. There’s going to come a time where we’ll be dried out has-beens and we’ll all need something to fall back on.”

“You really have put some serious thought into this
.”

“It was actually Aubrey’s idea. The day I got the phone call from the label telling me they didn’t want us to play the benefit and then they pulled our opening act, that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s been a long time coming and I think there’s no time like the present to do it. You in?”

“Fucking-A, you’re crazy. I’m not sure how this is going to end, but hell yeah I’m in.”

Pulling me into a manly hug,
Jake clapped my shoulder. “I love you, man.”

“You too, Jake.
You fucking too. Now let’s go kick some ass and show our hometown what we’re made of.”

He opened the door
and I was shocked as shit when I saw Brittany standing there talking to Joss. It didn’t look heated, which surprised me. In fact, they looked like… friends. Weird!

We locked eyes
and I wanted to scoop her up and leave so we could sort this shit out and hopefully put it behind us. I knew it was wishful thinking at this point, but it didn’t stop me from imagining that she was capable of finding forgiveness, even if I didn’t deserve it.

Joss tilted her head
and Britt walked toward me with a harsh look on her face. The palm of her hand pressed into my chest and pushed me back into the dressing room. Using her Chuck Taylor clad foot, she kicked the door closed behind her.

“I didn’t want to come tonight,” she spat. “Honestly, I don’t even feel like I owe you anything at this point, so you can thank Joss and her being relentless for the fact that I’m here period. I’m giving you five minutes to give me the best reason I should stay, then I’m leaving.”

I didn’t even know where to start. I wanted to tell her everything.

“I don’t even know where to begin…” I paused. “Here goes
. When I met you, Joss and I had just started hooking up again, then she left, leaving me even more screwed up than I already was. I knew as soon as I met you that you were something special. I had no idea how much my feelings would grow for you in such a short span of time. There’s so much that I want to say to you. I want you to stay. I miss you. Things aren’t bright like they are when you’re around. It was your world. I just lived in it, even if it was just for a little while. I want to live in it again. I know that it’s a lot to ask, and I completely understand if you say no. I have a lot of responsibilities on my plate right now and I don’t want to burden you with that either. I-”

She cut me off before I could finish. “There’s a consequence for every action. You should have thought about that before you went and started playing games.”