Come Back To Me (16 page)

Chapter Nineteen

Friday morning, Tess was up with the sun and full of determination. She peddled down the main drag, driven by her newfound conviction. She’d take control of her life, and she’d be damned if she’d let self-pity—or men—dissuade her. At six-fifty, she pulled up in front of the convenience store. It was closed. She decided to wait the ten minutes for it to open, parked her bike, and impatiently tapped her foot on the pavement. At five after seven, she paced, her arms crossed across her chest. At seven-twenty, she threw her hands up in the air and climbed back onto her bike.

Surfer-boy walked around the corner, his shirt rumpled, hair askew, eyes barely open. “Oh, hey,” he said, nonchalantly, “Sorry I’m late. Rough night,” he laughed.

“Right,” Tess climbed back down from her bike and stood behind him, breathing heavily.

“Wrapped a little tight?” he said in an I-have-no-idea-I’m-being-rude fashion.

Tess walked past him and grabbed a Luna Bar and a bottle of water. She slammed them on the counter and looked away.

“Luna Bar? Dude, do you even know what you’re eating? This stuff isn’t fit for animals.”

“I’m not a dude, and yes, I know exactly what I’m eating. I’ve been eating them for ten years.”

“Gnarly,” he said and rang up her purchase. He put the items in a bag, held it close to his chest, and stared at her.

“What?” Tess snapped.

The left side of his lips lifted into a cockeyed smile. He shrugged. “Just trying to figure you out. You’re here alone, right?”

Not by choice.
Tess rolled her eyes.

“To de-stress? Isn’t that what you call it, de-stressing?” When she didn’t answer he said, “Chillin’, you know.”

Tess sighed loudly and reached her hand out for the bag.

“Thought so. You know, this is the perfect place for chillin’. That’s why I’m here.”

“Is it now?” she asked.

He nodded. “Yup, taking a year off from my master’s program. Physics.”

Tess smirked.

“I know, right? Me, physics? That’s what everyone thinks. I’m smart. 3.8 GPA.”

Tess felt her jaw slacken.

“You see me, and you think, that dude’s nothin’, lazy kid who does nothin’ but hang at the beach.” He handed her his bag and turned away to straighten the shelves.

Tess flushed. He was dead-on. She was such a mess, even her efforts at relaxing had failed. She could be there to help Alice heal, but she couldn’t even keep a band aid on her own wounds. She walked out the door, her head hung a little lower than it was when she’d first arrived.

Tess stood on the balcony watching the sunrise, contemplating her latest craving—bacon and eggs. She showered, dressed, and drove back to the convenience store.

“Forget something?” surfer boy asked with a touch of sarcasm.

Tess ignored his remark. She was feeling more in control by the moment, and she wasn’t going to let some college dropout ruin her morning. She grabbed the groceries and set them on the counter.

“You are hungry,” he said, slowly picking up each item, inspecting it for a price, and then punching the numbers into the cash register. “Cool, bacon.”

“Can you please just hurry?”
Shit, that was rude.
“Sorry, I’m just hungry.”

He stopped ringing up the items and looked at her. “Got a date or just hungry?” he ran his hand through his hair, revealing eyes an even brighter blue than Tess’s.

“Uh…hungry,” Tess fiddled with her wallet.

“Y’oughtta try English’s breakfast buffet. It’s the bomb.”

“Thanks, I’ll do that,” she said, wishing he’d hurry.

He totaled the register and looked toward the door, making no effort to take Tess’s money. “Ya know,” he said, “I used to be like you, all tied up in knots all the time, rushing from one thing to the next. Then I realized that life is going to happen whether I rush through it or not.” He shrugged and accepted her money. “Might as well enjoy it a little.”

Tess wondered why getting back into her old routine made her feel like she was relaxing, when all it was really doing was creating a mandate for things she had to get done in a specific fashion.

As she drove toward the condo, she thought of surfer boy. What right did he have to make her feel bad about her life? She had finally been feeling more in control. Damn it! Heat rushed up her chest. By the time she arrived she was livid. She walked in the door, picked up the socks she’d left on the floor, threw away the bottle from her daiquiri, lined up the coasters, and vacuumed and dusted the entire condo. She flopped on to the couch. She was back. She was in control.
Damn you surfer and your wayward ideas
. We’ll see where you end up in two years. “Physics,” she laughed.

Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling that her life was spiraling in a whirlpool and she was just trying to stay afloat.
Maybe I am tied in knots. Stuck
. Tess thought about Beau. “He’s not coming back,” she said aloud. She knew she had to let him go, but she had, hadn’t she? She’d boxed up his belongings. She’d even kissed Louie.
What am I doing? How can I create a future for my baby if I can’t move beyond the past?

Tess packed and unpacked her bag—twice. She stormed into the kitchen and put the coasters ceremoniously into the drawer. “I don’t need you,” she scoffed, and slapped her hands together as if wiping off dirt.

Tess parked in front of the convenience store, which was closed, of course, and handwrote a note.
Thank you. If you ever need help finding a professional job, call me.
She crumpled it up, and began again.
Thank you,
she wrote, and signed it,
the pregnant woman who was tied in knots. Pregnant.
Just writing the word made her happy. She headed toward English’s for their breakfast buffet, and then drove toward home, determined to set her life on the right path.

Tess watched the beach town fall away in the rearview mirror. “Okay, gnarly boy, here goes. Time to let go, enjoy life.”

Tess breezed through the front door of her house, pausing momentarily as thoughts of Beau billowed around her. She pushed the thoughts of him away, determined not to spend any more time pining for someone who would never return. She threw her bags on the couch, each step toward the front door filled with resolve. 
Enjoy life a little,
she thought.
That’s just what I intend to do.

The house phone rang as she pulled the door closed behind her. She stood on the porch contemplating the phone call. Her heartbeat sped up as she listened to the incessant ringing. She put her keys into the lock and turned, feeling the deadbolt slide open. There was a tightening around Tess’s eyes. She bit her lower lip and shook her head,
No. I’m not doing this. No more pining.
She spun on her heels, pulled the door closed behind her, and headed for her car. 

Tess started the Prius and gripped the leather steering wheel, her muscles taut. She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as she turned off the car and climbed back out, heading for the house.

Tess opened the drawer next to the refrigerator and stared at the coasters. “Shut up,” she commanded. She gathered them, fumbling with the awkward mass in her arms. Tess stared at them for a long time, her parents’ arguments echoed in her mind. She understood the reasons she felt the need to control her environment, but even with that control, that modicum of making things right in her life, Beau still was taken away.
Let go of your crutches, Tess,
she told herself. She tried forcing a laugh, emitting a half-grunt instead.

Tess thought of Alice and all she’d been through, her need to control the intimacy in her life. She thought of Kevin’s visits, how they abruptly ended when she wouldn’t let Beau go, and how much she missed his positive energy.
Control
. She tried to attach some element of control to Beau’s need for international exposure. “Come on,” she urged herself. Her shoulders slumped. It was no use. Beau hadn’t been seeking control at all. She leaned against the counter, talking as if she were speaking to a friend. “He’s gone. All the coasters in the world won’t bring him back.” She closed her eyes, willing herself to be strong.  She held the coasters above the trash, hesitated and turned back to the drawer. “You’re a crutch!” she seethed. “You didn’t do a damn thing but distract me.” Tess’s face reddened. “I’m tired of waiting, tired of wondering.” She quickly threw the pile of coasters into the trash, breathing heavily and staring blankly at the colors and shapes which seemed to be pointing at her. Before she could change her mind, she rushed out the front door.

Germany

The dirt on Beau’s hands and face felt as if it were ground into his skin. He reached up to run his hand through his hair, his fingers caught in the tangled mess. He craved a real shower.

Samira and her children sat on metal chairs just outside the small room where Beau sat in front of a large army-issue desk, the black telephone before him.  He would finally hear her voice. His heart leapt against his chest as he dialed her cell phone number. The ringing phone was like music to his ears.
Pick up, Tess. Please, pick up.

“Hi, this is Tess Johnson. You’ve reached my voice mail.”

“Damn,” Beau disconnected the call and dialed their home phone number so fast that he almost misdialed. He breathed hard, anticipating her voice—six rings, seven, eight. Beau closed his eyes, wondering why the answering machine wasn’t picking up. He wanted so badly to speak to Tess that his chest ached with disappointment.

Beau took a deep breath and dialed Kevin’s number. He answered on the second ring.

“Kevin? It’s Beau,” Beau listened to the stunned silence. “Kevin?”

“Who is this?” Kevin sounded as if he might climb through the phone line and pummel him.

“Kevin! It’s me. It’s Beau, man. I’m in Germany.”

“What the—”

“Kevin, listen. Do you know where Tess is?” he asked. Before Kevin could answer he said, “Listen, Kev, there was an accident, but I survived it. It’s a long story, but listen, please. I’m coming home.”

“Beau?”

Beau pushed past the shock in Kevin’s voice, unable to slow his words. “I want to surprise Tess. I couldn’t reach her, but, please, don’t tell her I’m coming home. I’ve got a day of processing here, but then I’m coming home,” the words tasted sweet on Beau’s tongue. “I’m coming home, man. Can you get me at the airport?”

“What? Yeah,” Kevin took a deep breath. “Beau, we thought you were dead,” his voice cracked with emotion.  A moment of silence stretched between them. “Man, it’s good to hear your voice. Are you okay? What are you doing in Germany?”

“I’ll tell you everything when I get back, it’s complicated. Please, Kevin, don’t tell Tess. I want to be the one to tell her. I want to see her face. God, I want to see her face.” Beau reached for Tess’s picture. “Don’t tell anyone, okay?” Beau pleaded, excited about his plan.

“What about your parents? They had a memorial for you. God, Beau, you’re alive, man, alive!”

Sadness settled as a lump in Beau’s throat. He was unable to hold back the tears that filled his eyes. “Don’t say a word—to anyone. I want to tell them,” his voice cracked.
My parents.
He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “I wanna be the one to tell them, please.”

Two American soldiers entered the barren, narrow hallway, their boots clomping loudly as they neared Samira. She stared at the floor, twisting her hands nervously in her lap. A rush of cool air startled Samira as the men passed by. She wished Beau would come out of the room. She looked at her children, each on a cold metal chair, dark moons under their little eyes, the boys’ feet swaying beneath them, Athra’s curled under her little body. Fear prickled Samira’s limbs. Where would she go? What would she do without Suha? She couldn’t speak the language, save for a few broken sentences. What had she been thinking? She’d had no business leaving Iraq. Who was she to think she could give her children something more than a life of fear? They’d still live in fear, she thought, just a different type of fear.

Beau sat in the empty chair next to Samira and let out a long sigh.

“All is good?” she asked in a tiny, tentative voice.

Fear shadowed Samira’s eyes. Lines had formed around her lips, and her body sagged, fatigued. She watched Beau as he looked down at his own clothing, then back at the children’s—stained, wrinkled, their eyes haunted, untrusting. Embarrassment reddened her cheeks.

Edham slipped off his chair and walked sleepily to Beau who lifted him off of the linoleum floor and into his lap without so much as a thought. Edham had become like a fifth limb.

Samira watched her son settle against Beau’s chest. Her lower lip began to quiver. Beau reached for her hand, entwining his fingers with hers, and squeezed, ever so lightly. The ends of her lips lifted, and she closed her eyes.

It was Zeid who spoke the truth, rattling Beau to his core. “No one wants special marbles.”

Chapter Twenty

Beau looked out the window of the airplane as it descended onto the runway.
I never thought Dulles Airport would look so good,
he thought.

Edham’s nails dug into his arm.

“It’s okay, buddy,” Beau said, and he glanced at Samira across the aisle. Beau looked into her beautiful, dark eyes and thought he saw a twinkle of hope. He smiled.

The plane jolted forward as it touched down, then slowed with the high-pitched sound of speed against brakes.

Athra screamed.

Samira wrapped her thin arms around Athra’s tiny, shaking body, and looked over her shoulder at Beau, a pleading look in her eyes.

“She’s scared. She remembers Suha,” Beau said, then reached across the aisle and touched Samira’s back, as if to say,
It’s okay, I’m right here.

Athra calmed, and Edham clenched Beau’s arm in a death grip. Zeid stared straight ahead, his muscles taut. Beau knew it must have taken all of Zeid’s will not to let his fear become apparent.

“Samira?” The gray-haired woman extended her hand, accompanied by a broad, welcoming smile. “This must be Zeid, Edham, and Athra. I’m Sandra Wallace, Colonel Larner had asked that we get you settled at the army base for a few days, just until you’re situated with where you’ll be staying.”

Kevin thought his heart might explode. Emotions bubbled up within him. Beau was alive, there, standing right in front of him. He walked past the little gray-haired woman with his arms open wide. “Beau!” he gushed.

Tears welled in Beau’s eyes as he pushed into Kevin’s arms.

“Man, I can’t believe you’re here. Hell, I can’t believe you’re alive,” Kevin said.

“I’m very much alive,” Beau laughed, then hugged Kevin again.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

Beau turned back toward Samira, who stood silently behind him, holding Athra, Edham, and Zeid at her side.  His smile faded, the reality of what being home meant coalesced with the joy of his long-awaited arrival. He put a protective arm on Samira’s lower back.

“Samira, this is Kevin. Kevin, this is Samira, and Zeid, Edham, and Athra.”

“Nice to meet you,” he smiled. “You met on the plane?” Kevin was anxious to leave. He’d had a hard enough time keeping Beau’s secret from Tess, the last thing he wanted was a delay.

“I have so much to tell you,” Kevin said, oblivious to Beau’s quandary. He felt as if he might burst with happiness and wanted nothing more than to give that excitement to the woman who deserved it the most, Tess. She hadn’t been the same since the news of Beau’s death, and this was sure to make her world right again.  “Wait until you see Tess, she’s show—”

Kevin caught a worried look that passed between Samira and Beau.

Beau’s hand rested on Edham’s shoulder, his other arm still around Samira, a tender look on his face. The smile faded from Kevin’s lips.

They’d spent forty-five minutes settling the children in the van with Samira and Sandra, whom Athra had immediately taken a liking to.  Zeid hadn’t spoken a word, glaring at Kevin with a scowl on his face. It had taken fifteen minutes for Beau to pry Edham’s arms from around his neck. Kevin watched with interest as his friend lovingly maneuvered around what appeared to Kevin to be a newfound family.

Route 495 was bumper-to-bumper. Beau explained what had happened after the helicopter crash.  He told Kevin about how Suha had found him and nursed him back to health, about their travels through the desert, and the danger his presence had brought to the group. He told Kevin about the camps, and eventually, about their escape and Suha’s death.

It was almost too much for Kevin to digest. It explained Beau’s loss of weight, the crisp, leathery tone of his skin, his limp, and even the weariness in his eyes—like a POW that’d finally been rescued. What Kevin didn’t understand was the part of Beau’s journey that had brought him and Samira together like a couple. What exactly had happened in the desert between the two of them that Beau was not telling him? He’d watched Beau’s smile fade when they’d left the airport, and he’d hoped Beau wasn’t thinking about the woman and her children.

Tess sat in her Prius with the engine running, windows rolled down. The cool afternoon breeze tickled her cheeks. She turned the radio up loud, mapping the quickest route to Louie’s office in her mind. Her resolve strengthened. She was ready to apologize to Louie and tell him she wanted to move forward, to date him.
Date
. The word sent a tingle of excitement up Tess’s arms. She lowered her hands to her belly. “We’re gonna be just fine,” she whispered.

Tess put the car in reverse, reaching across the passenger seat, feeling for her cell phone. She reached behind the seat, feeling with her fingers along the floor. The Prius rolled into the street as she thought,
Trunk.
She placed her foot on the brake pedal, glancing over to her right as she righted herself on the seat, then she glanced over her left shoulder. Kevin’s truck moved slowly up the hill toward the house. As the truck neared, and the passenger came into focus, the hair on the back of her neck prickled. Her eyebrows pressed together as she leaned forward, straining to see more clearly, her heart galloping against her chest. Tears filled her eyes. “Beau?” escaped her lips like the wind. An engine roared somewhere in the distance. A red car flew over the hill, catching air beneath its tires.

Tess heard them scream and turned to look the other way just as the car careened into the rear of the Prius, spinning it into the air, throwing Tess against the door. Her head smacked against the window, shattering the glass like spears into her face. The world grew blurry. Tess’s eyes rolled back in her head. The airbag hit her jaw and neck, slamming them back milliseconds before the car smashed into the trunk of the large weeping willow.

Just before the end, just before the car came to rest, just as the weeping willow grasped the Prius in a twisted embrace, there was a moment. There was a moment in which a wisp of consciousness flowed like vivid electricity through fluttering synapses, a moment that whistled into eternity—
Beau
—then flittered into a nothing that ever was.