Come Back To Me (14 page)

Alice looked down. “Yes, it had an impact! Jesus, Tess, how can you even say that? I cried on your shoulder for weeks trying to understand why it happened.”

“It was days,” Tess said, then quickly added, “not that I’m judging you. I know you were scarred by what happened, it’s just that Kevin’s so sweet, and you’re using him.”

“Who says I’m
using
him?” Alice asked.

Tess watched Kevin filling two glasses with water. She thought of Beau and missed how they used to take care of each other. She missed his smile, the way he remembered to use one and a half Sweet ’n Lows in her tea instead of two. Sadness inched up her limbs, settling on her shoulders like a weight.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that,” she said to Alice.

Alice waved it off, accepting the drink from Kevin, and touching his arm in a way that gave Tess pause. Kevin’s eyes connected with Alice’s and held them.

Tess’s eyes grew wide. “Thank you,” she accepted the glass of water Kevin offered, and declined the coaster he’d offered.

“I’m taking the trash down, Al,” Kevin said and left the condo.

Tess leaned forward and whispered, “Okay, spill. What was
that
?”

Alice stood and walked to the window. “He thinks he’s keeping me safe,” she said.

“Alice, you can’t do this to him. He’s a nice guy. If you don’t like him—”

Alice spun around, “Who says I don’t like him?”

“Alice, it’s Kevin. You’ve never given him a second look. Don’t you think this is just a rebound? Someone to make you feel secure? A band aid?”

Alice flopped onto the sofa. “Give me a little credit, Tess. I’m not an idiot.” She took a gulp of water and laid her head back. “I know I never gave him the time of day, but when Beau—” she swallowed. “When everything changed, and you weren’t talking to anyone, we became close.”

“Close?”

“Not like that,” Alice said with a glare. “It’s just, he’s, I don’t know, not like the other guys. Besides, I’m not sleeping with him, so he’s got no ulterior motive or anything. I actually like being with him.”

“Do you guys even talk?”

“Yeah, surprising as it might sound, we talk a lot—about everything.” She looked away, then back at Tess. “I told him everything. It just came out one night when you were out with Louie. I told him about all the men. Tess, I told him everything.”

Tess’s jaw dropped. “No way.”

“Way. And you know what? I feel so much better having told him. It’s like the attack, feeling so vulnerable when I thought I was so in control, it took away the façade, all that awful anger came rushing out that night.”

“Oh, Alice,” Tess put her hand on Alice’s hand.

“It’s okay, really,” Alice wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “He got it. He understood, and you want to know the best part? He didn’t judge me, he didn’t pry, didn’t get jealous or make me feel like a loser, or a slut,” she blushed, sat up. “He just listened. That’s it, listened, and you know what? It felt good.” She shrugged, “He’s been coming over ever since. It’s nice.”

Kevin came through the front door, “Hey, Tess, how’s Louie? Have you told him yet?”

“Told him what?” she looked at Alice out of the corner of her eye.

Alice lifted her eyebrow, put her hands up in surrender.

“Jesus, Alice.” Tess sneered.

“Really? You can’t believe that I wouldn’t notice.” Kevin put a hand next to Alice on the back of the couch and mumbled under his breath, “There’s no hiding a basketball.”

“As long as we’re coming clean,” Alice glanced at Kevin, who looked away, “I’m really sorry for not telling you that I was going to Beau’s memorial. I should have told you,” Alice looked down at her hands.

Kevin sat down next to Alice, “Yeah, me, too.”

The familiar smell of Kevin’s Old Spice stirred Tess’s memories of the four of them: Beau, Kevin, Alice, and Tess. Tess’s leg bounced, her chest constricted. She thought of their last night together as a group, the week before Beau had left, when they’d been playing the stranger game. Tess remembered the playful look in Beau’s eyes, the way he had spoken directly to her, as if she were the only person in the room—quintessential Beau. That night, Beau had chosen Louie as the target of their game, when his impending trip had tarnished the usual levity of the game.

“Oh, no,” Tess said, interrupting a conversation between Alice and Kevin.

“What? You sort of spaced out there for a minute,” Kevin said.

“It all makes sense,” she said quietly, as if talking to herself. “This is a huge mistake.” Tess stood, heading for the door. “It was Louie, at Olazzo’s that night. Remember? The stranger game? Now I get it. I’ve gotta go.” She grabbed her purse and keys. “I can’t do this. What was I thinking?”

Alice hurried down the hall with her. “Tess, what’s wrong? So what if he was the guy? What’s the big deal?”

Tess pushed the elevator button, her face strained and tight, “Don’t you see? It’s a sign. I have no business being with him or anyone else right now.” She stepped into the elevator, “Besides, I think he’s married.”

Tess climbed into her Prius and dialed Louie’s cell phone number.

Louie’s enthusiastic voice greeted her, “Hey!”

Tess clenched the phone, her voice caught in her throat. What on Earth had she been thinking? It was so obvious—the phone calls, the need to rush away at any moment.

“Tess?”

“I can’t do this. I can’t see you anymore,” Tess said and hung up the phone. The strange realization that it was Saturday came to mind. She’d be alone on Sunday once again. Tess leaned her forehead against the steering wheel and cried, ignoring the ringing of the phone.

Germany

Edham looked on with wide eyes as the convoy of armored vehicles moved along the road on its way from the airport to the army base. He began to speak in quick, excited sentences. His mother immediately shushed him, pressing him tightly against her ribs in the rear seat of the vehicle.

Beau turned at the sound of the boy’s excited voice. Edham smiled, a rare sight over the past few days.

Samira chastised Edham with a sharp whisper, her fearful tone did not go unnoticed by Beau. Edham’s face became somber.

Zeid’s tiny jaw muscles worked furiously in tune to his clenching teeth.

They rode the rest of the way in silence.

Beau breathed a sigh of relief when the army base came into sight. Samira’s face hung heavily, her lips turned down at the ends, the soft curves of her cheeks indiscernible. She’d aged ten years in the past few days. Beau wondered if the hopeful wonder would ever return to her eyes. He reached over the back of the seat and touched her hand.

“Samira?” he quickly realized she had to use the name she was given on her new identification, Ai’ishah.  Their new identities were going to be difficult to remember. The children’s lives were forever changed. All that they knew was gone. They’d been thrown into a foreign world. Beau pulled back his hand, lowering his eyes.  

Samira raised her eyes, full of sadness. Suha’s death had left her empty.

He reached over the seat again, and this time he took her hand in his. Using what he’d hoped was correct Arabic, he whispered, “Aasef. I’m sorry.”

Tears slipped down her cheek. Athra reached up and touched the tear with her tiny index finger, then rested her cheek against her mother’s chest.

Maryland

Tess drove up the hill toward her home. Just as she turned into the driveway, a car flew past her.

“Slow down!”

Louie’s angry voice startled Tess. She climbed out of the car and spun around, looking for him. How had she missed his car, parked directly across the street?

“Damned kids,” Louie murmured, still looking in the direction of the speeding car which was now long gone.

Tess hurried past him without acknowledgment.

Louie sidled up next to her on the cement walkway. “Tess, wait!” he pleaded. “What’s wrong?”

She fumbled for her house key, ignoring the question, her blood pressure rising with every second. She dropped the keys and bent to get them, Louie bent down as well, their heads colliding.

“Ouch!” she yanked the keys from his hands and quickly unlocked the door.

“Tess,” he pushed his way inside, “do you mind telling me what the hell is going on? You’re acting crazy.”

She stopped, turned toward him, teeth clenched, “Crazy? I’m not acting crazy. This is the first sane thing I’ve done in what seems like forever.”

“Damn it, Tess. What is it? Is it the baby?” the words were out of his mouth before he had time to think.

Tess’s jaw dropped open, “How—”

Louie’s voice softened, “Come on, really? Have you looked in a mirror?  How could I miss it?” Louie turned away, “Just because you don’t say something out loud doesn’t mean it isn’t real,” he said.

Tess spun on her heels and raced upstairs.

Louie found her standing in front of the full-length mirror in her bedroom—the distressed look in her eyes as blatant as the belly itself.

What had she seen in the mirror every day? How did she miss what was so obvious—the arc protruding from her abdomen?

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” Louie said from behind her.

Tears sprang to Tess’s eyes. “I don’t know what I thought. It doesn’t matter anyway.” She sat on the edge of the bed, her hands hanging at her sides, her head bowed.

“At first I thought maybe you were just gaining weight or something, but, well, when you kept getting a little bigger every week, I figured it out. It doesn’t change how I feel, Tess.”

“It’s not yours,” her voice was nearly a whisper.

He laughed. “Yeah, well, the last time I looked, it still took sex to make a baby.”

“I guess that was a dumb thing to say.”

“If it’s not the baby, then what is it? Why do you want to stop seeing me?” Louie’s voice cracked. “I want to be with you,” he reached over to put his hand on her belly, “and this baby is part of you—”

Tess pushed his hand away. She was so confused. How could she describe the tingle in her stomach when they were together, the way her heart soared each time the phone rang, and the disappointment that felt like a physical blow when it wasn’t him calling? How could she admit that while she carried her husband’s baby, it was him she longed to feel inside her, and that the guilt that followed the desire had swallowed her whole? How could she voice the sadness over her lingering doubts—

Madonna’s “Vogue” broke the uncomfortable silence.

Tess rolled her eyes and left the room, leaving Louie to answer his call in private. Two minutes later, Louie came out of the bedroom, his face pale, his eyebrows furrowed.

“I…I have to go,” he said quietly.

“Of course you do,” Tess said and stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Louie clenched his jaw in time to the ringing of the cell phone which lay on the seat beside him. He couldn’t bring himself to ignore it and answered.

“What?” He wondered how long he could keep this up. He knew the answer—he was all she had.

“I think someone’s trying to get out of the basement,” panic flew through the airwaves.

Louie rolled his eyes. Her raspy voice grated on his nerves.
Not today.
“There’s no one in the basement,” his tone was firm.

“I hear them, they’re turning the handle. Maybe I should call the police?”

“Karen, I promise, there’s no one in the basement. Just go back to the couch and relax. I’ll be over as soon as I can.” He turned the car around and let out a sigh. “How much have you had to drink today?”

“Nothing.”

“Karen.”

“I…I was thinking of her and…and…” her voice trailed off.

You and I both.
“I’m on my way.”

Tess balanced her cell phone on her shoulder as she spoke to Alice and simultaneously stuffed her clothes into a small suitcase. “What do we have going on the next few days? I think I need to get away for a while.” She had to figure out her life, and she knew she couldn’t do it with Louie and his wife, or girlfriend, at the ready.

“Just the one position. Are you alright?” Alice asked.

Tess took a deep breath. Was she being fair to Alice? It’d only been a month since she’d been attacked. Thanksgiving was fast approaching, and the thought of facing the memories the holiday would stir made Tess’s heartbeat race. Would she have to sit across the table from the long faces of her mother and father-in-law? Could she do it? Even more importantly, should she make an appearance? Would Beau want her to?
What am I doing?
“I don’t know. I can stay if you need me to. Geez, I’m such a selfish bitch, aren’t I?” She pulled the shirts from her suitcase and threw them onto the bed. “Here you’re dealing with real life-altering issues, and I’m the one running away.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m fine. I told you, I’m almost thankful that asshole attacked me. I’m better now. Really.”

“You’re sure?” she tentatively stuffed the shirts back into the suitcase, the tension easing from her shoulders. “Think you can wrap that one up yourself?” Tess asked. “I’m going to Ocean City, I think.”
Where’d that come from?
Tess wondered. She had only been to Ocean City once, with Beau, the previous summer.

“’Course. Ocean City?”

“I don’t know, I guess. I have to go someplace where I can think. Someplace that’s not here,” she zipped the suitcase with determination. “Sure you can handle it?” Tess took a deep breath. She rested her hand on her stomach. She could do this. She would do this. “I mean really hold down the fort? No cell phones, no access to me?”

Alice’s voice strained, “Sure. Are you alright?”

Tess nodded, then realized Alice couldn’t hear her nod. “Fine, I just need to…put this whole thing to rest, and I can’t do it here. It’s too—”
hard, sad, confusing, emotionally wrenching?
She said goodbye to Alice, wondering what in the hell her going away would accomplish.

Her phone rang, the backlight illuminated Louie’s name on the screen. Tess pushed the Ignore button and turned her cell phone off. She didn’t want to hear his excuses. It occurred to her that she had yet to hear any type of excuse or explanation from Louie about his mysterious phone calls, and if that was how he wanted to play it, well, that was just fine with her. The last thing she needed in her life was more drama.