Colour Series Box Set (67 page)

MY BODY BETRAYS MY BRAIN every single time Callum gets close to me. This is going to be the most catastrophic relationship imaginable. I know he is going to hurt me, I can see it in his eyes and the way he moves tonight I am prey and he the predator. My natural instinct is to want to kill him, but it's missing. He seems to have a way to keep the grey out. I hate him for that. I need the haze. How will I survive this world without it?

His touch starts out soft as he slides his hands under my shirt and I think for just a moment it might be as good as it was at my home. I think wrong! The monster comes out to play and instead of fighting and wrestling the grey that creeps into my mind, I just switch off. I submit to his torture, rape and pain and hope to find the other Callum when I wake up after the nightmare.
Is it rape if my body wants it but my mind protests?
He is pushed further into his depravity by my stillness, he wanted me to fight him. I am not a pain whore, I hate pain, but it seems my body, my desire and my sick soul loves it.
I don’t understand that I can physically get off from what he is doing. Every orgasm he forces from my body makes me crazy because I don’t want them, not like this.
That belt, that fucking expensive leather belt, I wish I could wrap it around his neck and throttle him. I mentally count the times it lashes down on my naked backside as the tears stream over my face and choke on the sobs.
What the fuck is wrong with him? What is wrong with me this should not make me wet, I shouldn’t want him to fuck me, but I do.
“Stop Callum, fucking stop I can’t anymore!” I scream until I am hoarse, no safe word, no off just this absolute terror that he won’t stop. “Shut up Shannon, I own you and that means all of you just take it. I cannot stop.” He growls in my ear when my begging irritates him. His brutal thrusts as he fucks me, over and over again bruise my pussy. Every inch of my body is on fire with pain. I am not sure how long it goes on, I shut down and drift away as he uses my body to satisfy his demons. I don’t know if I fall asleep or pass out from it all, but it finally ends.
It’s not over Shannon, he is still alive and something is keeping you from killing him. I will never be over as long the two of you are anywhere near each other.

I wake up tied to the bed post - again. We are going to have to discuss this sleeping arrangement; it really isn’t going to work for me. My body is aching and the damage, he inflicted on me, is visible all over. I feel stiff and sore. Callum is cuddling me which is just
wrong
after last night. I want him to wake up and move and fucking untie me. My mind is mush this morning and the clarity, I had hoped for, hasn’t come. What has come is the realisation of just how dangerous this man is. He manipulated me, got me in his bed without even trying! I need to find out how to stop his monster, he seems to know how to control mine. I don’t feel grey, I don’t want to kill him. But I do hate him.

It feels like an eternity wrestling my own thoughts before he wakes up. His body is all hot against me and I am uncomfortable I have no feeling in my arms or hands and it is going to hurt when he does undo the knots binding me to the bed.

Why am doing this?

To stay alive Shannon, to live another shitty day in this world. And because maybe that feeling you are trying to ignore is pulling you to him for a reason.

THE NEXT MONTH PASSES exactly as Callum had said it would, we appear to date in public he visits my surgery and my home. He sends flowers and buys me expensive gifts I don’t want or need. He is the perfect boyfriend on the outside, but underneath that perfect image, is a demon I cannot control. Even though, he has been better, the monster has made its presence known twice in the last month.  I have learned that he is less likely to switch over if I don’t challenge him directly. He likes the illusion of being in control of everything, the trick is to let him believe he is. He also cannot bare to see me after it all, his mind softens with guilt and remorse if he sees the damage he has done.

We are going to see the progress on the ‘ghost house’ as we call it today, it should be completed by the end of the week. I am excited about the house, but something about the place makes Callum restless and uneasy the monster is closer to the surface when we are at the house. He seems far away in his own mind when we walk through the empty mansion, the ghosts in this house haunt his memories and I have no doubt that something awful happened here.

As he walks us up the steps, holding my hand in his, I feel the tension set in. I have the opposite reaction I relax into the unease of this place. It is that cold sense of death and dread that I love about the place, it’s like I feel at home even though I don’t live here yet. Callum’s cool hands are sweaty as he grips mine a little tighter. We walk up the concrete steps to the front door and I feel his mood shift, his presence changes in an instant. Every single time we get to this door he turns to stone.

The large wooden door has been freshly varnished and the fresh paint fumes burn my nostrils as we push it open carefully and step into the foyer. The change is almost unreal, while it is still period accurate everything looks and feels decidedly new inside. The designer in charge is faffing about with furniture in the study which will be my new office and consulting room in one, she looks tired and frustrated. The deadline, Callum has had them all working to, is a bit ridiculous, but it looks like they may just get it done. He does not let go of my hand as we start our walk through of the space where I will work from in the future. Callum has decided that the surgery will still run under my name, but Dr Duncan will be there, and I will consult on selective patients from home when needed. I feel him ripping a little part of me away and yet being rid of the surgery is a relief I never wanted it to start with. The room is styled in wood and leather, it is not my personal style, but it is professional and stately. Callum is inspecting every detail in the room, and I watch him as he paces the space checking that every detail is as he wanted it to be. He squeezes my hand to get my attention before he asks me softly “Are you happy with it? This is your space I want you to be happy.” He pulls me to face him so he can see my face when I answer, he knows I cannot lie looking him in the eye. I nod first then remember he likes me to verbalise my responses. “Yes I am happy it is beautiful Callum. Thank you.”  Quiet and soft that’s how to keep the monster in its cage. “Hmm.” Is all the answer I get as he walks us out of the office and further into the house. The heat has not been switched on so the air in the hallways and empty rooms is cold and it breezes through the many open windows. I shiver from the fresh gust blowing through one of the guest room windows when Callum pulls me close in a tender moment and holds me to his chest to keep me warm. However, the words, which come next turn my blood as cold as my outsides are. “This is the perfect room for children do not you think?” What the fuck, I told him that very first night, I could not have his children, is he deaf, did he forget or simply not hear that part? I am never going to be a mommy!

I try to push away slightly so I can take a breath before I break this piece of news to him, again. I look up into his dark eyes and see the monster lurking below and I am thankful that I cannot have his children, our children would be born heartless monsters condemned from the very start. I clear my throat a little before I say softly “I cannot have children Callum, it’s not a possibility because I am sterile.” I don’t tell him it was voluntary; that I did it on purpose, that seems irrelevant right now. I won’t be the mother of the next generation of sociopathic demon children. I hate children, I cannot handle their neediness and dependence. I am too selfish to be a mother I can barely tolerate being his lover at this point. I am selfish and I make no apology for that.

And then I see it.The pure rage that was being held hostage as it boils and bubbles to the surface his face changes it becomes hard.The colour of his eyes darkens with the impending outburst that I can tell will follow. I am afraid he may attack me here in front of all these workers, but he would not let anyone see his shiny image tarnished out in public. He grabs my arm, and I can feel his fingers digging into my soft skin as he hisses under his breath. “How am I supposed to be the King of this empire I have created with no fucking heir Shannon?” I feel his anger as the words are spoken into my ears for only me to hear. For the first time since the graveyard, I am afraid for my life again. I am useless to him now.

We don’t look at the rest of the house as Callum drags me away from it to our waiting car as fast as he can escape the place. His anger is tangible now and I know I am in for a world of hurt if not my own funeral. The negative energy buzzes from him like static electricity as he drives us away from the house towards his offices.

I never imagined a situation like this when I had the procedure done, I never imagined someone wanting to have a child with me. I was selfish at that moment, but very honest I know I cannot raise a child. Callum is fuming and I cannot help the feeling that I have stolen his hope of redemption. I think he felt a kid could right his wrongs. Wrong; another villain won’t make our crimes any less than the evil that they are.

He slams his fists on the steering as we sit in standstill traffic. “How the fuck did you not tell me this Shannon? HOW?” He yells at me his deep voice vibrating through the air that is thick with tension already. I allow a tear to fall down my cheek wiping it away quickly so he cannot see. I am useless to him now. “I did tell you, the first night in my surgery and again in your hotel room, in the dark I told you why I would be a terrible wife. I said I couldn’t have your children. I
told you
Callum.” The anger consumes every part of him as he heaves heavy breaths in and out. I see the realisation set in slowly as his breaths even out, he remembers that I told him, but it doesn’t change how angry he is. I have stolen something from him without even realising it, I have robbed him of his hope.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck how did I forget that? Fuck! I’m sorry Shannon.” I am floored that I got an apology, he has never once actually said sorry for anything he does. His rage simmers down a few notches when he sees he has upset me. Well, he thinks he has upset me I am the master of manipulation, but so is Callum and it is not often that I fool him. He has scared me though, right now I am afraid of this man in the car with me. Part of the reason we are a disaster waiting to happen is how well we can manipulate people and slowly we are learning to do it to one another. There is no give and take for us, neither of us gives an inch on anything, we take what we want. I want to live, he is the only way I can assure another day alive.

He reaches over the centre console of the car and takes my hand in his, he kisses my knuckles. It’s as close to a genuine apology as I will get from him. His eyes are still dark with anger and I can tell this battle isn’t over. This will come back and bite me in the ass but for now I have quieted the storm for a short while. This quiet anger is even more threatening the loud rage of earlier.

He holds my hand and we continue our drive to his office. He will go to work and one of his minions of darkness, most likely Art will take me to the surgery to finish my days work. I am watched all the time now. You see the family is under attack, so I am considered to be at
risk.
I must admit Callum has been very careful and calculated about this all, and apart from Joel he seems to be sticking to very concrete plan. The attacks on the family have been more threats, subtle in their message but heard loud and clear. I am not sure who is working with him, I see and hear him talk only to Sahib. I met the man behind the voice only once, the evil smirk on his face when Callum introduced me said more than any words he spoke. He did not respect me, I was just a pawn in the game and to be dating Callum in his words “I must be the devil.” Close enough Sahib, close enough. The devil is in the details, and I am a detail in this plan now, a very significant detail.

We don’t turn towards the office and I look over at Callum, his eyes gaze straight ahead as he drives out of the city and towards the coast. I know better than to ask him anything in the mood he is so I just watch the scenery change out of my window. I am not a big fan of the coast, I don’t like the ocean it doesn’t have the pull on me that it has on others. I would rather be in the highlands or mountains that at the seaside. I loathe sand and walking on the beach is torture for me, I smile thinking it would be right up Callum’s street to make me walk along the shore. We don’t drive to the beach. Instead we follow the coast for a while and drive up a small hill. Callum parks the car in a small clearing and gets out I am not sure what to expect. I imagine my impending murder out in the countryside when he opens my door and holds out a hand to help me out. I feel like I am a prisoner walking down death row to the execution chamber, I am finally going to die. He is still angry I can feel his wrath in the way he grips my hand.

The air still smells of the ocean and cool mist makes it damp and cold. My heels are awkward as we walk on the gravel path. I battle along for a short while when Callum stops and huffs at me. “Take them off or let me carry you for God’s sake.” He is irritated at how slow I am going and something is making him want to go faster. I slip my shoes off and imagine him throwing me over the cliff and saying it was suicide, he did after all shove my sister to her death. Every step we walk, the fear in me, grows a little more. It is eating me alive, making me weaker. The gravel is biting at my feet and has shredded my stockings, but I try to keep up with his long strides. I don’t feel as if today is the day I am meant to die, but I feel like my life will change forever on this cliff, it may even end. My pulse is racing and it's all I can do to keep my breaths even and not hyperventilate. My clothing feels like it is suffocating me and the cold misty air clings to my hair and skin. Callum’s iron grip on my hand as he drags me along only add fuel to the pit of despair I feel in my stomach. I imagine myself on my knees with Neil’s gun to my head like he did so many times. Callum will pull the trigger, he is not a pussy like Neil. I try to swallow the spit that is making me want to puke and fight the bile rising in my throat.