Colour Series Box Set (50 page)

The noise in here is killing me, I try drowning it out with more whiskey the liquid gold burning my throat on the way down. It does nothing to dull the insanity going on around me; I don’t want to celebrate with these people I don’t wish to celebrate at all. I just want to go home, but I won’t be going home for a long time yet. The air fills with the smell of smoke and beer and sweaty drunks; my skin crawls simply from the way it clings to me and I feel the suffocation of it all is clawing at my chest. I feel my own madness gaining strength.

There is one thing distracting me; I saw her earlier today at Cassie’s grave then again in the church. Red hair, green eyes that could pierce my soul and the face of a ghost. Looking at Shannon is like looking back in time before my life was as complicated as it is now. When I felt love burn in my veins and when I was not filled with madness. She looks just like the Cassie, who fell to her death when I pushed her. Her broken heart didn’t kill her. I did! My jealous rage after finding out she was going to have Rowan’s child even when he was leaving is what killed her. I killed her - the monster beneath the surface killed the love of my life. The madness with jealousy and drugs could not be stopped. I became my own worst enemy.

Shannon is just as stunning as her sister was her fire red hair and fair skin that flushes pink when she catches me staring. I can tell just by looking at her that she is trouble; that woman will only get me in trouble, and I cannot have trouble right now. I need a clear head and nothing distracting me from the plan at hand. The dick in my pants, however, says that the ghost across the room is exactly what I want right now and what I need can wait. She is fucking with my mind, and I haven’t even spoken to her. The way her hips sway when she walks and the defined muscles in her calves stretch with every step, I can already imagine those legs wrapped around me. More whiskey burns down my throat when I see her walking towards me, I need to put my boss face on. This woman cannot derail me now. She can never see the monster lurking beneath the grey appearance; I will break her. I am not medicated and around my family I am a deadly mix of things right now, adding a woman to the volatile cocktail will cause a reaction that I will never be able to stop.

I scowl at her boldness as she sits down at my table - all smiles and sex appeal. Fucking hell, she is a ghost I cannot stop myself from seeing not her, but her sister in front of me, and it has me feeling things. I am trying not to feel, dammit, I need to get up and leave. My staring is making her uncomfortable I can see a shift in the way she sits on the edge of the chair and the slight blush on her cheeks.  I down the rest of my drink to try distract myself from the fact that those lovely pink lips just asked me if I would take her to dinner. I might, but I cannot decide with her sitting all sexy as hell in front of me. I need to leave; this party was over for me before it even began. I may come back and fetch the beautiful lady later, but for now I need to breathe.

The rain still spills from the grey sky outside only now it’s late afternoon and the light, that was filtering through the clouds, is dull, and the air is cold. I start to walk along the wet sidewalk in the general direction of my flat; a walk may just clear my head of the green eyes haunting it right now. I don’t get far from the pub when I walk by a barber shop that is still open, but empty inside. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I walk in and sit down. It is time to change, time to make my way to the top. I ask the old man with the grey beard and white hair to cut my hair and trim my beard.  He looks at me wondering if I am certain, he even asks me if I am sure. I think he is afraid that I may come back and kill him when I sober up. He knows who I am, he no doubt knows my family, I can see it in his old weary eyes.

For the first time since I left for Africa years ago I have short hair, a neat gentlemanly cut making me look distinguished and definitely in my forties. The old man expertly trims my beard before he brushes the hair away from my neck. His old eyes finding mine in the mirror to question my satisfaction. I feel as if I am looking at a stranger in the mirror, but I am ready for this new life now. I tip the old man generously I see his tired old eyes bug out a little, and he says a soft “Thank you.” As I push the door open and step out into the streets that I need to make my new home. I feel the grey all around me the shady place in between black and white, where right and wrong blur into each other.

As the whiskey slowly wears itself out of my system, I feel the craving for sugar start to take over in its place. I have a dependency on sweet things, an addiction I have used to replace a much worse one.  I remove a chocolate bar from my jacket pocket and savour the sweetness as I walk the rest of the way home, trying to convince myself of reasons not to go and take Shannon for dinner. I have a hard time because the thing is - I want to take her for dinner, but not her, the ghost of her sister and that’s wrong. I am wrong because I want, no I need more than just dinner from her. I will destroy her. The years of guilt will make me kill her. I am a fucking monster; I will break her, shatter her and I will enjoy it.

My dick wins over my mind and as soon as I step inside my grimy flat I decide I will go and get this out of my system right fucking now. Then I can just move on with a clear head and no ghosts. I shower quickly in the small dirty bathroom. I am fucking moving out of this hovel tomorrow I don’t give a shit what my asshole brother thinks or says about it. I will not let him dictate where I live.

I take a freshly dry-cleaned suit from its suit bag and dress myself. I feel different without my hair, I feel older, but I feel like the weight of expectation is lifted off me. I sense the monsters coming alive just a little more. I fill my wallet with money; because I am not bringing the pretty ghost back here, we will find a hotel, maybe drive into the city itself. I like the idea of getting out of Glasnevin for the night, this place is full of ghosts and expectations. It is full of a family that I hate enough to kill them all. I cannot control the thick darkness that overpowers me in this place. My monster was born here.

Maybe if I take my ghost away from here, I can see her for who she is and not as a replacement for her sister. She is certainly bolder than Cassie ever was, and there is something else in her eyes, ambition and something sinister and a little evil that her sister never had. I am not here to find a woman to keep my bed warm I am here to destroy my family and leave with the spoils of war. I am here to claim my birthright, my father’s family throne and the business I have built.

I call a taxi to take me back to the pub I don’t feel like walking in the fucking rain any longer it is cold now. I hate cold, wet and grey everything about this place makes me hate it more. I have no fond memories, no warm feelings and certainly do not want to make this my home ever. This is the home of my nightmares and monsters. This is where villains are born from boys.

When I walk into the pub, it is still buzzing with now much drunker mourners, but only the men, the woman folk have evidently been sent home for the night. I scan the room for red hair, but I don’t find any. My youngest brother is only twelve and is drunk and disorderly when I grab his arm and seethe into his ear. “Where can I find Shannon?”  He laughs at me his spittle landing on my face and it’s all I can do not to beat his head in. I hate him just a little less than all the others; he isn't Mirrie's son. He is a bastard like me. “The pretty doctor went to her surgery to sew up two of Neil’s boys that got into it.” He laughs again pulling away from me and walking back into the crowded bar. I don’t go any further inside I turn and get into to my waiting taxi. Doctor? She became a doctor, worse she became our physician. Fuck, stupid woman she will end up dead like all the other before her, doctors know too many secrets to be left alive. The taxi stops in front of what I remember to be her father’s surgery, and I don’t see any lights on inside. She must have finished with the guys from the pub already; I should just leave she may not even be here. I don’t though the ghost is calling to me somehow. I walk up and push on the door and to my surprise, it is open a bell chimes as I step inside. The place is just how I remember it, the furniture desk and old light fittings nothing has changed at all. As I step further inside I hear her yell from the back. “For fuck sake more of you, could you not just enjoy the night without hurting each other? Fucking idiots. I am tired.” She is still muttering as she steps into the dark waiting room where I am standing. She freezes when her green eyes meet mine in the dark, I am looking at my ghost standing there in the dark room and I want her. I have never wanted anything more in my life – and I have wanted many things.

“We had a dinner date?” I say to break the silence. “Are you ready?”  She looks confused as she walks closer to me. “You said ‘maybe’ then left me waiting in a bar full of thugs; that’s not a date Callum. I am not in the mood to play games tonight. Just go, it doesn’t even matter anymore.” She asked me out, now she is telling me to leave. I don’t like ladies who think they can control what I do. This lady has my blood boiling instantly. “What doesn’t matter anymore Shannon? You asked me to dinner, and I am here.”  She is agitated and stalks closer to me now. “I don’t matter Callum; that’s what, I only asked you out because your fucking brother is going to kill me if I don’t pursue you and make you stay here. Why he thinks that I can make you do anything, I have no clue, so you can just go because I can tell that nothing will stop you from leaving here you, hate it. So just go, I am over living this shitty fucking half-life anyway.” She sighs loudly and turns away from me walking back to her consulting room at the back. Her steps are determined, but all, I can see, are those fucking legs attached to that ass, and I want it. Her curves are calling to me making me hard.

I don’t know why I am surprised at this move, Neil gets the ghost of love lost to make me want to stay.
I am staying anyway you idiot, just long enough to kill you, but I am staying, and I will be fucking damned if I let you kill her.
I stomp my way back after her and shut the door behind me. “Why did you tell me that, why not just try to get me to like you? He will kill you for telling me.” I need to understand what would make her stupid enough betray Neil; she works for him and knows how this family works. Tears well at the corners of her green eyes but she doesn’t let them fall. “Because I am tired Callum, I am tired of trying not to get killed. You are not going to fall for me and live here happily ever after. I knew it the second I saw you. I would be wasting my breath and time on you. You are just as likely to kill me as you are to get me killed so either way I am fucked. I remember what happened to the girl you loved, I heard it all, you will end me as quickly as you did her. I can’t love you or anyone for that matter. So you see with you or without you I’m as good as dead I just trust you more than him for some stupid reason.” She is standing tall trying to threaten me by encroaching on my space. She is too close to me, and I can smell her, it’s my undoing. I grab her and pull her perfect body close to me and kiss her lips so she will stop talking this fucking nonsense. There is an instant stab right through my heart with the connection, and I am confused by how much I want her and want to kill her for what she just said.

I need to stop; I shove her away and the shock of my kiss is written on her face the tears she held in have fallen down her cheeks. “I need to think about this.” I hiss at her before I turn around and stalk out of the surgery. I cannot take her to dinner right now I need to find out why Neil wants her so close and if he controls her or not before I go there. And I want to go there, that taste was enough to tell me I will go there. I get into waiting taxi and bark at the driver to take me back to the pub. I might as well pretend to be part of this family so I can keep tabs on them, this is a bold move from Neil he must want something big from me.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN these idiots would hurt themselves or someone else this evening, the drink has flowed all day, and they got too rowdy. When the first fight broke out, the woman folk were all sent packing, me with two bleeding morons by my side. I should have known I would be working tonight. It doesn’t matter anyway; Callum never returned to the pub. He is never going to fall in love, certainly not with me, and there is no way he is going to stay here I can see a caged animal in those eyes he is going to run. Neil expressed his disappointment to me very openly, asking what I said to make his brother leave so suddenly. I am as good as dead. It doesn't matter because I am incapable of loving someone. Even if I could, I certainly would not choose a monster. Love is a death sentence, and since I already have one of those, I do not need another.