Authors: Shelia Grace
“Alex …”
She looked up at me and cringed.
“Was it awful?”
I shook my head.
“It was great.”
I love you
.
Three words. But I couldn’t say
them. Maybe I never would be able to.
Alex
Ryan was looking at me funny, like
he was about to tell me that last night had been a big mistake. And my first
instinct was to beat him to it. But I had tried that already, and suddenly I
decided that if he was going to change his mind after last night, then that was
his problem.
“Would you go somewhere with me?”
I blinked at his question and then
nodded slowly. It was the weekend, and now that I wasn’t failing Calculus, I
didn’t have the nagging sense that I should be locked in the dorm trying to
avert an academic apocalypse. Standing up, I started collecting the dishes.
“I take it I’ll need to change,” I
said lightly, looking down at his T-shirt.
He laughed, and I realized that I
wanted to steal all of his T-shirts so that I could keep the smell of him even
after this was over.
Because this
was
going to end.
Our time together was limited, and if I
couldn’t at least accept that, then I had no right to be here. Reality wasn’t
going to change for me, but if I could just have more time, maybe it would be
enough.
Fuck. It had to be.
I walked into the kitchen and
started washing the dishes. Like Mom, I was perfectly capable of dismantling a
kitchen just to make one meal, so Ryan’s kitchen was a mess. Looking around, I
was struck again by how
adult
Ryan
was. Yeah, legally I was an adult. But the decade that separated us suddenly
seemed vast. Sure, he had introduced me to his parents, but as what? Not his
girlfriend. And what if I introduced him to my parents?
Or to
Julie?
Rachel? I looked up when Ryan came in and started putting things
back in the refrigerator. Smiling, he poured himself another cup of coffee.
“I’ve got the rest of the dishes.”
“Are you sure?”
He nodded.
“Towels are in the closet,” he
said before going into the pantry and taking out a scoop of food for Finn.
In the guestroom, I grabbed the
toiletry bag from my backpack and then went and took a towel from the closet
before going into the hall bathroom and brushing my teeth. I slipped out of the
T-shirt and listened as Ryan walked down the hall into his bedroom. Showering
quickly, I got out and toweled off my hair before running a comb through it. I examined
myself in the mirror and smiled, imagining Ryan’s ex cringing in horror at
me—no blow dryer, no makeup.
Wrapping the towel around myself, I
stepped into the hall, expecting to hear the shower in Ryan’s bathroom running.
Instead, he was standing in the doorway to his room. His blond hair was slicked
back, and all he was wearing was a pair of jeans. This just made me think of
seeing him completely naked only hours after we had first met. My eyes darted
lower, and then I smiled crookedly before turning and rushing into the
guestroom. The door swung open a second later, and I stared up at Ryan, who
shut the door after him. His eyes were hungry.
“Alex,” he growled. “You’re not
making it any easier for me to control myself.”
“What? I’m wearing a towel, and
you’ve seen me naked before,” I squeaked. “I’ve seen you, too. Remember?”
“
Not
helping.”
He was right in front of me, and I
couldn’t stop my eyes from traveling to the muscles his chest, which flexed as
his hands clenched. Suddenly he reached up and tugged at the towel. It fell
around my feet, and I swallowed as he leaned down. His lips brushed my ear, and
I shivered, closing my eyes. Each breath hitched in my chest.
When my phone buzzed on the
nightstand, I jumped, but Ryan just reached over and silenced it before lifting
me onto the bed. I watched in awe as he started undoing his belt.
“Do you trust me?” he asked
quietly.
I flinched at his question. He had
given me no reason
not
to trust him,
but I could barely trust myself lately. And didn’t the question itself sort of
imply that I couldn’t trust him? The problem was that I
did
. I trusted him more than I trusted my own judgment lately.
“Yes,” I said, clearing my throat.
Very gently, he pushed me back
onto the bed. Then he began pulling my hands over my head. Seconds later, his
leather belt cinched around my wrists, and I squeaked. It wasn’t tight enough
to hurt, but it was tight enough that I couldn’t pull loose. I watched, barely
breathing, as he reached into his back pocket and took out a silk tie. Leaning
forward, he stroked the side of my face before pulling the silk over my eyes.
He lifted my head and tied it at the back, and I felt my pulse jump as the bed
shifted under his weight. I couldn’t tell where he was, and when his lips
touched mine, I gasped. Not being able to see him was strange, frightening …
exciting
. Warmth pooled low in my
abdomen.
“Do you know how badly I’ve wanted
you since that first night?” he whispered, his lips close to my ear.
His fingers trailed from the side
of my breast down to my hip, and I tensed.
“Alex,” he breathed against my
temple. “I will never hurt you, and I won’t make love to you until I am one
hundred percent sure you’re ready. I promise. Right now I only want you to feel
good.”
I jerked when I felt his teeth
graze one nipple, then the other. Whimpering, I strained against the belt.
“Do you want more?”
I swallowed and nodded.
“I need to hear you say it,” he
growled.
“Yes.”
Could he hear the desperation in
my voice? Suddenly his lips were on my throat … the side of my breast … my
stomach … lower. His hands began parting my legs, and as his fingers spread me
open, my breathing became harsh as I remembered the feel of his mouth from last
night. When his tongue flicked out and touched me, I moaned. Then his mouth was
on me, sucking, caressing, stroking. My hips bucked against his hold as his
tongue teased me until I couldn’t stand it.
“
Please
,” I begged.
He stopped, and I could feel every
cell of my body cry out with craving.
“Tell me, Alex.”
I felt his finger replace his lips
as he slipped the silk slipped from my eyes. His normally bright blue eyes were
dark as he stared down at me, and I realized—maybe with a little
disappointment—that he was still wearing his jeans as I writhed naked
beneath him.
“Tell me,” he whispered urgently.
“Ryan, I want you.”
His lips were on
mine
again, his kiss more insistent than before. The moment
his tongue thrust between my lips, his finger came down, and I gasped as he
began to stroke me faster, pushing me toward the edge.
“I need to watch you come,” he
urged raggedly.
I sobbed, my muscles clenching as
a sharp wave of pleasure swept through me. He didn’t stop. His blue eyes burned
into mine as he continued to caress me until every last spasm had shuddered
through me. Then he leaned forward and slipped the belt from my wrists, kissing
my forehead as he pulled away. I frowned as he took out his phone and started to
make a call.
“I’d like to make a reservation
for the twenty-third and the twenty-fourth.
No, the panorama
suite.
Ryan Bennett. My account is on file. Thank you.”
He ended the call, and I sat up,
suddenly aware that I was completely naked, and he was making business calls. I
couldn’t help feeling pretty fucking insulted. It would have almost made sense
if he just slapped a couple of bills on the bed—only he was the one who
had made
me
come.
“You have until the end of the
term to change your mind,” he said quietly.
“What do you mean?” I mumbled,
looking around for my backpack—and my clothes.
“I booked a room in San
Francisco.”
My throat went dry. There was no
mistaking his meaning. I had three weeks to decide if I was ready … if I wanted
to be with him—no turning back. Ryan leaned over and picked up my bag,
handing it to me. I pulled out a change of clothes as he stood watching me.
“What?” I asked self-consciously.
He smiled through gritted teeth.
“I need to leave, or I won’t let
you get dressed.”
When he opened the door, I saw
poor Finn lying in the doorway looking dejected. As Ryan’s dog trotted down the
hallway after him, I put on my panties and bra.
Three weeks
.
My phone buzzed again, and with a
sigh, I pulled it out of my bag. Looking down, I felt my fingers go numb.
Surprise! Driving from your Aunt Karen’s now!
Almost
to your dorm.
See you soon. Mom
My head began to spin, and for a
second I seriously thought I was going to pass out. Holy fucking shit.
What the hell, Mom
? Of course she would
decide to visit Aunt Karen and “pop in” on me. Mom never did anything unless
she could accomplish multiple goals in one swoop, and Aunt Karen had just had
surgery, so I was sure Mom had figured she could visit her sister—and
then drive an hour to see me. In her mind, the whole thing made perfect
sense—and so did not giving me any notice. After all, what else would I
be doing on a Saturday other than studying?
“Ryan!”
Yanking on my clothes, I stepped
out into the hallway. Ryan walked out of his room—wearing a shirt this
time.
“Are you okay?”
I shook my head.
“My mom is going to be at the
dorms any minute. I need to go back … now.”
“Is she checking up on you?” he
smiled.
“More like
sneaking
up on me.”
I already had my bag swung over my
shoulder.
“I
had
been hoping to keep you for the rest of the day …”
I felt a pang of regret. I wanted
to see Mom, but part of me was afraid that the second I let go of Ryan Bennett
he would dissolve into mist. Following him to the front of the house, I reached
down and patted Finn on the head. When we got to the curb, Ryan clicked the
locks on the Audi. I winced, trying not to think about what would happen if Mom
ever caught me on the back of a motorcycle. It wouldn’t be good, and would
probably involve her head spinning like a demon-possession movie.
As we drove toward Mercer, I
realized that I was much more concerned with my life intersecting with his than
he seemed to have been the night of his parents’ event. But the thought of
trying to explain to Mom what I was doing with a guy ten years older than I was
… I shuddered at the thought. When we were almost to Lincoln and Amherst, I
pointed toward the corner and Ryan frowned.
“You can drop me off here,” I said
quickly.
He shook his head.
“Mercer’s right there.”
And Mom might be there already
, I thought silently. He pulled into
the parking lot on the corner, and I leaned over quickly and kissed him,
grabbing my backpack from the backseat. As I opened the door, I almost said,
I love you
, but I didn’t. Jumping out, I
walked toward the crosswalk and scanned the dorm parking lot across the street
for Mom’s 4Runner. When I looked back, Ryan’s car was in the turning lane, two
cars back. As soon as the walk signal came on, I stepped off the curb. It was
starting to sprinkle, and I thought about my jacket, which I had stupidly left
sitting in my closet in the dorm. I was almost to the other side when I felt a
piece of gum stick to my shoe.
“Dammit.”
I looked down. Then I turned my
head to the right and saw a car coming up fast in the right-hand lane. I
blinked.
The car wasn’t going to stop.
Screaming, I tried to lunge out of
the way.
Ryan
I was watching Alex cross the
street when I saw a car coming up fast in the right-turn lane. Jumping out of
my car, I began shouting and running through traffic. Then, before I could
reach her, Alex’s small frame bounced off the hood and onto the asphalt. I
jumped over the hood of a car in the middle of the intersection and dialed
9-1-1.
“What’s your emergency?”
“I need an ambulance on the corner
of Lincoln and Amherst for a hit and run victim.”
When the fucking dispatcher asked
for my name, I just cursed. There was blood on Alex’s forehead. By the time I
kneeled down next to her, my entire body was cold. I touched her cheek and
waited for her to wake up.
“Alex?”
Her eyes remained closed, and the
gash over her forehead was bleeding heavily. I looked around for the car that
had hit her, and for a few bloodthirsty seconds, I was more interested in
exacting revenge on the shithead who had run the red.
In the distance, I heard the wail
of a siren. Then screaming. I knelt down and felt her pulse. It was weak, but it
was there. I checked her breathing next. Still breathing. Several people had
crowded around, but it was the woman who burst through the group who held my
attention.
“
Alexis
! Baby! Oh my god! No, no, no!”
I looked up at the woman,
momentarily stunned by how much she looked like her daughter. The only
difference was she had blue eyes instead of green and light brown hair rather
than Alex’s reddish brown. The chirp of the ambulance got louder, and seconds
later the medics broke through.
“Alex Reed. Eighteen. She’s been
unconscious three minutes. She’s breathing and has a pulse. Her mother goes
with her.”
The medic put the C collar on her.
“Any neurological history?”
I looked at her mother as they
lifted Alex onto the stretcher. The woman shook her head.
“Are you taking her to the medical
center or local?” I snapped.
“Med center.”
“Good.”
If he had said local, I would have
fucking jumped into the ambulance and taken her downtown myself. I watched as
her mother got into the back of the ambulance with the other medic. Bolting
back across the street, I jumped into my car, which had caused a massive
fucking traffic jam. Swerving around the gridlock, I cut across and followed
the ambulance toward the freeway.
Fuck! Why the
fuck
had I dropped her off on the corner? I gritted my teeth as I
chased the ambulance.
The thought of losing her—like
this …
No
.
It wasn’t going to
fucking happen.
It couldn’t.
The drive downtown, which would
have normally taken twenty-five minutes, took fifteen behind the ambulance. I
pulled into the parking lot and left the car in the first space available. They
could fucking ticket me all they wanted. I followed the signs toward the
emergency room, knowing that they wouldn’t tell me a goddamn thing once I got
there.
Stepping into the waiting area for
trauma cases, I looked around at the weary and beleaguered faces. Then I saw
Alex’s mother at the counter pacing anxiously. She was on her cell phone,
crying.
“I’m at the hospital. They’re
doing a CT scan. No, they didn’t tell me. No! Don’t tell Stephie. Wait until we
know something. Stephen, it was terrible. I saw the car hit her.”
She started sobbing, and I stood
and waited until she ended the call. Then I realized that, as obsessed with her
daughter as I was, I didn’t even know this woman’s name. Alex had told me that
she lived with her mother and stepfather, so it was completely possible that
the woman in front of me wasn’t Mrs.
Reed
.
I walked over, and she looked up.
“You were there when …”
I nodded as she sniffled.
“I’m a friend of your daughter’s.”
I could practically see her
mentally calculating my age, but she didn’t say anything.
“Have they told you anything?” I
asked quickly, unable to keep the anxiety out of my tone.
“They’re running tests.” She
paused. “I’m sorry, honey. What’s your name?”
I held out my hand.
“Ryan.”
Her smile was brief.
“Michelle.”
A woman came out of the double
doors and looked around.
“Michelle Gold?”
I watched Alex’s mom turn and walk
quickly toward the woman, and it took all I had to keep from following her.
Then I figured, fuck it. I walked over, keeping enough of a distance that the
nurse didn’t notice me.
“…
lacerations
,
contusions, a concussion, two fractured ribs—”
“Can I see her? Is she awake?” her
mother asked.
“I’ll take you back. She just had
a CT scan, and they’re bandaging her up. As long as her vitals remain stable,
she’ll be transferred to observation overnight.”
“That means she’s going to be
okay, right?” her mother asked nervously.
Watching as the two women
disappeared through the double doors, I sat down and stared at the floor.
Eventually I took out my phone and texted Jess, asking if he could check on
Finn. Then, after an hour or so of staring at the floor, I saw Alex’s mother
emerge from another door and look around. When she saw me, she waved, and I walked
quickly to where she was.
“She’s awake, and she keeps asking
for Ryan. Anyone else named Ryan out here?” she asked.
Her relief was palpable, which
meant Alex was okay. I exhaled.
“Can I see her?”
She nodded, and I followed her
through the doors to the recovery unit. When we reached her room, I looked
through the glass at the top of the door and saw Alex in a bed with a pale blue
blanket drawn up over her chest. My stomach lurched. I had almost fucking
watched her die in front of me because I had been stupid enough to leave her
across the street instead of at her dorm.
“They said only family members
could see her, but I won’t tell,” her mother whispered as I pushed open the
door.
Alex blinked and then smiled
drowsily at me as I walked up to the bed.
“This time it totally wasn’t my
fault. That asshole didn’t stop at the light.”
When I touched her hand, she
winced.
“Sorry. The IV is making me sick …
but I think they’re pumping some good drugs into my system.”
“I should have dropped you off at
Mercer.”
“I told you not to.”
“Then that might be the last time
I listen to you.”
She laughed and then winced again.
“It hurts to breathe.”
“You should get some sleep.”
Her eyes widened.
“Aren’t you supposed to stay up
all night or something if you hit your head?”
She reached up and touched the
bandaged spot on her forehead before I could catch her arm.
“Ow! Shit that hurts.”
I looked at her pupils. They were
even and not overly dilated. And she wasn’t slurring.
“Do you feel sick at all?”
She shook her head.
“I’m not nauseous, if that’s what
you mean.”
“Then you should be fine to
sleep.”
“Oh! Did you meet my mom?”
“I did. She’s right outside. Do
you want me to get her?”
Alex shook her head and then
reached up suddenly with her left arm and grabbed my wrist. Her eyes were
glittering with tears, and I felt the same wrenching sensation as the moment
she’d been hit.
“Ryan, I should have said it
before I got out of the car, but I didn’t think I was going to get mowed down
two seconds later. … I love you. And I don’t care if you love me back. I just
want you to know that, you know, in case I’m living in some fucked up Raymond
Carver story, and I don’t wake up tomorrow.”
She said it in the same dry way as
she said all the other morbid shit that came out of her mouth, but it just
ripped open the hole in my chest. A nurse came in.
“She needs to rest. You can come
back later.”
Alex smiled sleepily at me, and I
watched as her eyes closed. Then I stumbled toward the door, looking back once
before pulling open the door. I didn’t say anything to her mother, who had been
sitting on a bench outside with an e-reader. Instead I took off down the hall,
telling myself that this was the right thing to do. Alex didn’t deserve to deal
with my twisted emotional wreckage. No one did.
For the longest time, I had
thought that I was okay—that I could pass for human. But looking down at
Alex and seeing in her everything I would be destroying if I held onto
her—it had just made me realize that I didn’t deserve a grain of the
happiness I felt when I was with her. I couldn’t make her happy. Not for long.
Eventually she would see the extent of the damage, and she would run screaming.
The thought of bringing her more pain … I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t.
When I got to the parking lot, I
snatched the ticket off the windshield and opened the car door. The drive back
was bad. I had nothing to look forward to, no one I wanted to see. I should
have been looking forward to defending my dissertation, but
who
the fuck cared? Right now, the past four years just seemed like one big
fuck you
to my parents. Hadn’t I wanted
to show them that I wasn’t Reece?
I had to wonder now—was it
them or me I had been trying to convince?
###
The rest of the term passed in a
blur. At one point, I showed up at Alex’s dorm and went to her friend’s room. She
had opened the door and looked at me like I was dog shit on the bottom of her
shoe. And when I had asked her if Alex was all right, she had laughed.
“
What the fuck do you care?
” she had spat.
I had deserved her scorn. In fact,
I had been pretty sure she had been about to kick me in the nuts. Instead, she
had slammed the door in my face. It had been worth it, though. I needed to know
that Alex was all right. Because every time I closed my fucking eyes, I saw her
being hit by the car. It was my eternal punishment for not letting her go in
the first place.
A week before the end of the term,
McDevitt called with his usual hard sell about spring break, and for the first
time in years I agreed—to Vegas. I refused to fly to Mexico or Florida
just so James could satisfy his time travel journey back to our college days.
He had already enlisted Dave and Mike, and I hadn’t seen either of them in
years. Dave was managing his father’s construction company somewhere in fucking
Texas, and Mike had had a cushy job at his father’s investment firm in NYC.
McDevitt was a fucking reprobate, but I had seen him more often than Dave or
Mike, mostly due to geography.
Before leaving, I boarded Finn,
who had developed a case of canine depression after Alex hadn’t returned to see
him. I was pretty sure my own dog hated me.
But no more than
I hated myself.
Dropping him off at the boarding place for forty-eight
hours was probably the nail in the coffin. I fully expected him to bite me when
I came back to pick him up.
When I got off the plane at
McCarran International, I looked around at the banks of slot machines and
groaned inwardly. I had forgotten how obnoxious Vegas was—unless, of
course, you were the one who was shit-housed drunk and irritating the fuck out of
other people instead of the other way around. I made it as far as the first
bar, which was, not surprisingly, where I found McDevitt. Generally the best
place to look for him was the closest establishment that served alcohol.
“Hey, Bennett, you fucking dick.
You wanna place a bet?”
His face was red, and his eyes
were nearly black. He was hammered already.
“How about you lose some cash for
both of us?”
“Barkeep! Fucking Jaeger shots for
my buddy and me.”
The bartender looked like he was
more likely going to kick McDevitt in the face.
“When did you get in?” I asked,
sizing up the state of his suit.
“Yesterday … this morning. Fuck, I
don’t know.”
“You’ve been in the airport this whole
fucking time?”
He still had his eyes glued to the
TV screen above the bar, so I had to assume he was down at least a few
thousand. When the bartender set down the shots, McDevitt finally turned and
grinned at me.
“No. Check it. I’ve got a limo
outside.”
“Classy.”
“Right? It’s fucking awesome.”
I could almost see the look on
Alex’s face if she were here, and the fact that I was even thinking of her
right now caused me to pick up the shot of Jaeger.
“Vegas, Baby!” McDevitt said.
I knocked back the shot and added
it to my list of regrets. Fucking Jaeger. Getting up, I walked over to a table
in the corner. When James followed me, I thought that maybe the slightly longer
distance to the bar might slow him down. Fuck no. He just flagged down the
server.
“So, what happened to your almost
under-aged piece of ass. Did you nail her finally?”
“Fuck you.”
“Bennett, you pussy. You should’ve
told me you were gonna wuss out, and I woulda properly spanked that shit.”
I smiled and hoped that someone
would
properly
kick the shit out of
James while we were in Vegas.
“I’d like to see you try. I think
her pet names for you were
dick
and
asshole
.”
“I wouldn’t mind sticking my dick
in her—”
“Four Jaeger shots,” the server
announced.
A few more shots, and
I
would kick his ass.
“Stick to your strengths.
Strippers and drunk sorority girls.”
McDevitt guffawed.
“Like your ex? Damn, that fucking
chick needs a demonic exorcism.”
“Wow, and I thought you had been
too busy slobbering on my date to notice.”
“Fuck. When you showed up at your
parents’ little soiree with
Alex
, I
thought good ol’ Gretchen was gonna stick a fucking high heel up my ass.”