Chasing the Music: For the Love of Music Book 0.5 (16 page)

Eighteen

Lita had cried herself out, but still hadn’t spoken. Griffin and Lita both rested against the headboard of his bed, and he knew when he called Stacy he’d have to say something. He’d already been vague about sitting up with Lita almost every night, but this felt different. Her coming to him in tears, curling up on his lap, and sharing his bed was definitely different than plinking around on guitars after a show.

Her fingers slid down his arm until they reached his palm and he clasped her hand in his having no idea what to say. He didn’t know what was going on, so anything he said would just be empty words anyway.

She took slow breaths in and out as if still concentrating on simply breathing.

“I can’t eat,” she said quietly, her voice hoarse from crying. “I don’t even get it. I don’t know how long it’s been since I ate a real meal. How have I not noticed this? How has my body kept working? The stress… It’s like. I should know this. I can deal with this. I don’t even know what happened tonight, Griffin. I don’t know how to stop it. How to get strong again. My fingers throb after playing and my legs shake. I don’t know what to do. On top of all that, I feel pathetic for feeling this way and not knowing how to fix it.”

He squeezed her hand wishing it felt friendly instead of like he was falling for her. “Do you need to stop the tour?” he asked quietly.

She shook her head. “No.”

He knew that would be her answer before the question left his mouth, but he also knew he had to ask. “You need to tell Bridget.”

Lita shifted next to him, snuggling in closer to his side. He wanted to pull her into him. Hold her until she was ready to talk, but he knew this wasn’t something he could fix—at least he was smart enough for that.

“I don’t know how. And she has to know, at least sort of.”

“You told
me
about you. You can tell her.” Bridget was the one who helped Lita. How had she not done more before now? Griffin had worried about her sunken cheeks and weight since near the beginning. Did Bridget not notice? Or was she ignoring it? Or...

He stared at their hands together instead of her face. The desire to kiss her, to hold her, to sleep next to her, to feel her body against his… It was too much to deal with.

“Is it worse?” he asked. “Is it harder to eat now than when we left?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I can’t remember the last time I sat down with a big meal in front of me, you know? But when I think back, it’s like I do these little bites of everything instead of anything that’ll actually fuel my body. And right now I look down at myself and I know I’m too skinny, but what if that changes? I watched this show about this super skinny girl who still thought she was fat. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want women to look at me and think I’m healthy. What will I do if I panic before every show? What do I do if I keep throwing up my food when I don’t want to?”

Everything came out in a rush, and he wanted to answer her right away, but he wanted his response to carry some weight.

“It’s not going to be easy, but you’re aware. That alone is a big deal. You’ll work it out.” But he wasn’t sure that she
would
be able to work it out—at least not without help.

“We’re close to your home,” Lita said quietly changing the subject, and he let her. Griffin wanted some time to think about what to say or do for her.

“Yeah,” he mused. He probably wouldn’t talk to Stacy about how Lita had come to him tonight until he could tell her in person. He’d want to know if another guy had held Stacy while she cried.

Lita sniffed. “I guess your girlfriend will come out.”

“In a couple days, yeah.” He leaned his cheek on Lita’s head. He hated how mixed he felt.

Lita’s hand touched his, their four hands now laced together and his heart pounding loudly in his ears at how close she was. How reachable she was. How totally out of possibility she was.

“What are you going to tell her?” Lita asked.

Of course Lita knew he’d say something. “Right now, I have no idea because…” Because he really wanted to be here with Lita.

“I’ve complicated things for you.” Lita’s fingers traced the veins in his arms, rushing the need for more through him.

“I don’t know if I can walk away from promises, no matter…” He had to tell her. Say something. “No matter how I feel about...you.”

“Yeah. I know.” Lita relaxed even further. “It’s one of the things I like about you.”

“One of them, huh?” he teased, the reality of this amazing, strong, talented woman seeing anything in him hitting hard.

“Your dedication, determination to do the right thing, the way you work so hard and the…” She squeezed his arm. “It doesn’t much matter.”

No. She was right. It didn’t matter. He just wanted it to.

“I’m staying here tonight.” She pulled her phone from her pocket and tapped a few things into it.

He was afraid to speak. Afraid to break whatever bridged between them, as much as he knew he should. Instead he silently pulled the blankets out from under them as she took off her shoes. He lay down and held out his arm until her face rested on his chest, and her body lined up with his before tugging up the blankets.

There was no justification for this. No way to explain this easily away. But he wasn’t going to have sex with her. He wasn’t even going to kiss her. But it felt like, for one night, he could pretend she was his and he was hers and that none of the rest of the world mattered. As horrible a guy as it made him.

One night.

Nineteen

Lita rolled over, but the warmth next to her disappeared, so she turned back and snuggled in again. Her heart thumped as she reached forward and her hand hit Griffin’s stomach.

It was
real
. She’d stayed with him. Lita felt her mouth pull into a smile and tightened her arm around his waist.

His fingers slid over her shoulder and she let her eyes fall closed not able to place a time she’d ever felt so safe.

“You okay?” he whispered. “Better?”

“I slept. So well.” She rubbed her fingers over the soft material of his shirt as all the reasons she came to him rolled through her mind again. What a mess she was.

He lightly squeezed her shoulder. “You got tense.”

“What are people going to say about me? What if I can’t stop losing weight? What if I just can’t keep it together?” The words stuck in her throat.

He sighed.

“What if I just can’t manage the stress?” she squeaked. “What if people find out that I’m practically falling apart?”

He sat silent for a moment, and she began to wish she hadn’t opened her mouth. Griffin knew the worst things about her, and all she could do was trust that he wouldn’t betray that information.

“I can’t believe I’ve told you all this.” Even though he felt okay. Safe.

“Head them off,” Griffin quickly answered. “Be the first to speak. It’ll give you a great platform to help empower girls in being okay with their bodies. You can tell them what you told me. That the stress was eating you. That you were so afraid that women would see how thin you were and want that. You have
so
much power to help.”

“I have no such thing,” she said softly. “I sometimes feel like I’m owned by everyone but myself. I can’t even control my own breathing, Griffin. Or make myself eat.”

He clasped his hands over hers. “You are so brave.
So
brave. Don’t forget how aware you are in this moment. Please don’t forget that.”

Her head fell back onto his shoulder as she let his words settle in. At that moment, she never wanted to leave the hotel room. “I’ve turned into something else you have to worry about.”

He gently squeezed her hands. “I don’t
have
to worry about anyone or anything. I choose to.”

She opened her mouth to ask why he chose her, but his phone rang, jolting them apart.

Griffin turned away from her and reached for his phone. He stiffened for a moment and she felt her face fall, knowing things had changed again.

“Shit,” he breathed out as he sat.

“What’s up?” she asked but immediately regretted it. His girlfriend was the one who was always calling and texting. Of course it would be her. The reality of Griffin’s situation rammed into her like a wall.
Again.
She watched Griffin frantically type into his phone for a moment before taking his head in his hands and letting out a long, slow breath.

She wanted to wrap her arms around him. Wrap her legs around him and kiss his head, force him to fall into her, but that wouldn’t help. Not for a guy like Griffin.

She
was the problem.

Lita sat up quickly. She pressed her hands against her stomach, which was already tight and rolling. Not a good sign for her day. She’d been so stupid to come to Griffin.
So
stupid.

“Stacy’s almost here. Now.” His voice was barely a whisper, tortured and thoughtful. “Thought we could road trip to the next show.”

Here
. She clutched her stomach more tightly and shifted away from him. “Oh.”

Griffin’s fingers once again slid over her shoulder, the upper part of her back.

“I never expected to be torn like this. Ever,” he whispered.

She couldn’t do this. With the word ‘torn’ came the feeling of hope and that was stupid where someone as loyal as Griffin was concerned. She was the one who felt more than she should. She was the one who had come to him. Shown him the weakest parts of her. She should not be surprised that
he didn’t want her.
Those words echoed in her head again. His girlfriend was there. The one he wanted. Even after all their togetherness,
Griffin did not want Lita
.

Her stomach lurched, but she was done being vulnerable in front of him. So stupid. So completely stupid to let him in on so much.

“Don’t worry about me, Griff.” She pushed her heeled boots onto her feet, facing the wall. “I mean, whatever. We’re friends. It’s all okay.”

“Lita.”

But she didn’t stop. Didn’t pause. Didn’t look his way. There was no way she could face Griffin in that moment without crying. How was it possible that the one person she felt comfortable baring herself to, was one of the last people she should have burdened with her problems?

She stood and started for the door. “Bridget texted to say she had my coffee. I’m out.”

She heard him scramble out of bed behind her and she strode toward the door, stopping when she touched the handle.
Turn it. Turn the handle. Leave.

She’d been so horribly stupid.

The sound of his small fridge opening and closing again almost turned her around, but instead she turned the handle. It was time to get out.

“Wait.” He touched her shoulder and her knees almost buckled. This was not how it was supposed to happen. When she found someone, he was supposed to be crazy about her. Crazy enough that he’d do stupid things to be with her. Overcome anything to be together…

“Maybe this will give you some energy or something.” He set a small bottle of Superfood in her right hand. Frustration raced through her and she dropped the bottle on the floor. “You’re not my mom, Griff. Let it go.” And she shoved her way out the door.

Griffin didn’t follow.

Lita texted Bridget and walked straight for the bus, even though they weren’t scheduled to leave for another hour. Anger and humiliation and frustration poured through her over and over and over. He didn’t want her. The words she knew to be true, which made her actions seem even worse.

Lita: Going to sleep on bus. Do not disturb.

Bridget: Please come by room real quick, K? I got a couple questions on clothes for packing placement so we don’t have to dump out everything when we get there.

Lita sighed, but she wasn’t one for making Bridget’s job too horrible. Maybe if she was able to sleep, she’d wake up and everything would feel more clear. Or maybe… Maybe since Griffin was going to have someone tag along with him, she could have that too… She tightened her jaw, determined to do whatever it took to push away this shitty unwanted humiliated feeling that tried to suffocate her.

Griffin slammed his head against the wall the second the door closed.

What shit timing.

What an asshole he was on all sides.

There was no way after last night that he didn’t know Lita felt somewhat the same way, and he’d let her stay. It was completely selfish. He wanted to spend time with her so he did, feeling like in the end, it would only be him who was hurt when he went home to Stacy, but somewhere, something changed…

How was it possible that
he
was in a position to hurt
Lita James
?

Griffin walked back to his bed, picked up his phone and started a text to Lita, but to say what?
I’m sorry?
She already knew.