Chasing Rainbows (25 page)

Olivia stopped talking and looked down at her shaking hands.

The feelings were bouncing back at her. She had spent so long not remembering and she did not want to remember now. The flash back came anyway.

Olivia continued, "It happened about four weeks after we returned from the trip.  I didn't know I had so many tears inside me.  I had too many to cry.  After the way you treat me and then losing my job just because my manager felt threatened by me, the inevitable happened.  I broke down George,  I broke down".

Olivia looked at George, the blood, gone from his face.  He looked at her with a pale veil over his face, hiding his feelings.

She went on, "Do you think I deserved that?  Do you?  What did I ever do that was so wrong for those things to happen? Tell me, do you know?  It has remained a mystery to me."

George took hold of Olivia's hand and looked into eyes that were full of tears.

Olivia's eyes looked like bottomless pools of hope.

He slowly began, "I am so, so sorry Olivia, you don't know how sorry.  If only I'd known.  if only I had trusted in you. I should never have listened to the poisonous words of that jealous vixen.  I fell right into her trap.  How stupid was I?"

George took a drink before continuing, "I find it almost karmic that we are both on this plane together.  I really want to set the record straight but I can't turn back the clock and put right a wrong".

Olivia shook her head and pulled her hand away.

"It's history now and no amount of answers to questions can put things right.  It no longer matters to me.  Too much water has gone under the bridge."

After a few moment silence George spoke, "It matters to me Olivia.  Please let me speak.  There is good reason we are on this plane together don't you think?"

Olivia got up.  She needed the ladies room.

George moved to let her pass.

"Shall I wait?" he asked.

"Up to you," she threw back at him as she walked up the plane.

Olivia closed the toilet door with a bang and began to shake.

She blamed herself for this.  She should never have winked.

She did not need to be reminded of a time in her life when she was called a whore and actually felt like one.

Olivia had a choice.  She could go back and end the conversation or she could listen to what George had to say and maybe watch him squirm.

She splashed her face with cold water and patted her hair, smiling to herself.

Still unsure of what to do she returned to her seat, hoping that perhaps George had gone back to sit next to Doug.

No such luck, George was still there and he stood up to let her get by as he said,

"I took the liberty of ordering more drinks, I hope you don't mind?"

He got a curt reply from Olivia, "No that is fine, George".

Before Olivia could tell George that she was not really interested in anything he had to say, George began to speak.

"I came back to see you at the office.  Jo told my you just got fed up and left.  She said she said she had no idea where you had gone. She said you did not like your job and it was the best thing that could have happened".

Olivia threw her head back letting a cynical laugh escape, "What a surprise, well once a liar always a liar.   She was very good at what she did".

George continued, " I spoke to your friend, I thinks her name was Susan. She told me the truth about Germany. How Jo engineered the whole thing.  How she did not want Linda to be with me and how she sort of blackmailed you. I would never have gone with Linda anyway.

Susan told me you told Jo what to do with her plan even thought she threatened you with losing your job.  What I don't understand if that was the case, then why did you sleep with me anyway?"

Olivia smiled, "Good grief George, what a question to ask after all these years!"

She thought for a moment and went on, "I could say it was the drink. We drank rather a lot that night, didn't we? I think that together with watching the sex show and getting along so well, you being so nice, it was just an inevitable ending to a good night out.  I don't know George it was just meant to be.  I can't give you an answer."

George got hold of Olivia's hand and squeezed it as he smiled at her.

She smiled up at him, "May I ask you a question now, please?"

"Yes of course," was George's reply.

Olivia pulled her hand away.

"Why did you call me a whore?  Why did you throw me out of your room when it was obvious I  was in such distress and needed you?  I thought we were friends."

George shook his head. "It was bad, so bad.  if I said 'Jo' would that answer your question?"

Olivia shook her head, "No, not really."

George went on, "To begin with she told me that she dared you to sleep with me and that you said yes, that you were up for a challenge.

I didn't realise until it was too late that she trapped me into letting slip that we had spent the night together.

She led me to believe that you broadcast everything we did that night. I think you know the rest.

I was so angry, angry with myself, angry with you.  Thinking you had a big mouth and couldn't keep a secret. What we did was private between you and I.

What hurt the most was that you were waking up feelings in me that I thought I would never have again.

I even thought about seeing you again when we got back to England.

I came to the office that day to ask you why you had done what you did, only to learn from Susan the truth, that Jo had manipulated the both of us.

She lied about you and I believed her.

What I cannot come to terms with, is how I treated you that night.  You gave me no reason to behave so badly.  You were beautiful, funny and so lovely.

I have lived to regret what I did.  Can you forgive me?"

Olivia sat in silence, not moving.  She was processing all that she heard.

She turned and said, "George, I forgave you a long time ago.  I couldn't understand what happened.  You made me feel like a whore and I sort of understood that, a little bit.  I believed you got what you wanted and perhaps it had not been that good, so why go there twice?

It wasn't me that you wanted, you just wanted sex and I was convenient, conveniently drunk".

"Hang on a moment Olivia," George stopped her in mid sentence.

"We had agreed not to have sex. I was falling asleep next to you.  You took your T shirt off and jumped on me".

Olivia thought for a moment, "Yes, you are right but then we had such an awesome time.  It was good.

What followed wasn't good and made what we did rather dirty. I felt used and abused."

George looked at Olivia, he brought his face close to hers and pressed his forehead against her forehead.

His eyes never left hers as he said, "We were both used and abused, by Jo."

Olivia moved away from George, saying, "I don't know.  What I do know is that it was a massive learning curve for me.  I learnt such a lot about myself and other people.  I was the victim of bullying.  I learnt that I am not a sheep, not a follower but a leader.

I developed a resilience that has stayed with me on my life journey. It hasn't stopped me trusting people because I trust myself now.

Bad things have happened to me since but I think what you did to me is the worse ever.  You were forgiven George but never forgotten."

Olivia changed the subject, "So are you still married?"

George told her why he was going to New York.  He wondered if perhaps they could meet up there?

Olivia asked him why they should meet. He had explained himself now and it was nice having a drink with him, for old time's sake.

She ended their conversation by saying, "Thank you George but we won't be seeing each other again."

George was dismissed as Olivia picked up her book and began to read. There was nothing more to say.

After an awkward pause George got up and said, "Thank you for your time, it is much appreciated.  Perhaps you might rethink and change your mind?  Here is my card, just in case."

Olivia took the card from him and placed it in the back of her book.

Olivia was not able to see the words in front of her as tears were running down her face and she felt sick.

She knew George though he was doing the right thing and he wanted her to forgive him. 

Why couldn't people just let things lie in the past where they belonged?

Did he think he could put things right?

Well at least she knew and now there were no missing gaps in that chapter of her past . 

George hurt her beyond reason and he was now sitting next to the man who she had loved with such passion. She truly believed that she and Doug were meant to be together but he too broke her heart.

Olivia's thoughts would not stop.

Maybe she was a whore?  After all she had known George only a few days and then given her body to him. 

Maybe she was worse than a whore as she gave herself for free?

Olivia wiped her tears and took a big drink, emptying her glass.

She sighed and returned the pages of her book.

The last chapter ended.

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

Doug was raised from his daydreams of the past by George sitting down heavily beside him. Doug commented, “You've been a while, mate. I guess you did know her then. Hope it went according to plan?”

George replied, “She hasn't changed much in twenty years, still as sexy as ever. The hair colour's different. Did I tell you her name is Olivia?”

Doug nodded.

George went on, “I said what needed to be said and left her my card, I think she will be ringing me next week in the big apple.”

Doug tried to read the expression on George's face. His face didn't match his words.

Was that a shadow of disappointment he detected?

Doug wondered what really had just happened between them.

He wanted to ask but thought better of it. It was not his business.

Olivia was from his past.

Doug knew Olivia well, as a sensitive soul, who at times could be reckless and even dangerous.

She gave off the aura that she was strong and she was strong, in some areas.

She was also vulnerable when it came to relationships and had her heart broken many times in her quest for love.

Doug wondered how many times it had been broken in the past twenty years after he, too, broke it for her.

Doug ordered a drink for himself and George. He sat back wondering what to say to George next.

He decided to let things be as George might become suspicious of his questions.

Doug looked back towards Olivia. He was not able to gauge the look on her face. She was busy reading a book.

Perhaps he might catch her at the airport? He would think about.

He settled into a conversation about football with George and soon thoughts of Olivia were erased from his mind.

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

Olivia was stunned, she sat in a daze trying to gather herself.

After all these years George is on the same plane with her and he says 'sorry'? What was that all about. Did it make him feel better?

All George achieved was to send Olivia into a downward spiral, to the dark places she had been to too many times in the past.

A place where she hid all her regrets, even though she insisted on telling herself she never had any.

Who was she fooling? He was one of her dark places.

Olivia asked Shaun to bring her another drink, she needed to steady her nerves and stop her mind racing.

Memories and pain were now popping up in abundance and she knew that she would have to take a look at them before they would go away again.

They were beginning to crowd her mind and she would have to unravel each one in turn.

This happened to her once before years ago and she nearly broke down as the feelings of despair and disappointment came with the pictures that floated through her conscience.

Olivia had to make some acknowledgements that were not complimentary nor pleasant. She had to walk in her shadow. She was in her shadow now.

Carl Jung talked about the shadow, a lot.

Olivia remembered that somewhere she read that the shadow is the other side of us, the dark side.

It can hold all the things we deem to be wrong that we have done in our lives, that we try not to remember and are not proud of.

It can contain our blackest thoughts, the things we have done that we wish we had done differently and most times we try to ignore it.

Well Olivia could not ignore the fact that she was on a plane going to America with two men who she placed in her shadow and who she never expected to see again.