Celebutards (17 page)

Jackson has been known to bop around the country in search of a cause. Some of them are disturbing: He visited with the parents of Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged Florida woman whose parents tried in vain to keep her alive at all costs, despite fierce opposition from the woman’s husband. Eventually, she died, but not in peace. Jackson also supported the North Carolina woman who falsely claimed she was raped by three Duke University lacrosse team players.

Even a broken clock gives the right time twice a day. Jackson has lent his support to a movement to remove the so-called “N” word from the entertainment industry. And yet, the cry for banning the offensive word has been directed mainly at the media companies (usually white owned), and not the artists who embrace the word. When do adults have to take responsibility for their actions?

Jackson, once a formidable figure, these days can be found at any high-profile trial involving a famous person. Even Michael Jackson.

I last saw Jesse Jackson in Santa Maria, California, during Michael Jackson’s trial on charges of child sexual molestation. (The California jury acquitted him.)

That day, Jesse Jackson was wandering the streets aimlessly with a half-dozen members of his entourage, telling anyone who asked, and a few who did not, that he’d prayed with the singer. He was such a constant figure at the trial, the media quickly wearied of him. Even the local coffee shop where reporters regularly hung out ran out of seats for Jackson’s crew.

Sadly, Jesse Jackson seems to have missed the memo that said the pop star he supported had long before turned against not only his black skin, but his male gender. Still, I found myself feeling a little sorry for the once-in-demand Jesse Jackson, so I asked him a question or two. I can’t for the life of me remember what he said.

It was a slow day.

C
ELEBUTARDS AND DUMB
foreign policy go hand-in-hand, like supermodels and laxatives. Nancy Pelosi is no different. A mother of five who was elected to Congress from San Francisco in 1987, she was named House Speaker ten years later, the first woman to hold the title. Katie Couric cheered.

Against the wishes of the White House, the new speaker joined her comrades for a 2007 Middle Eastern tour. Question: What do you get when you cross a pushy and naïve San Francisco liberal with Arab leaders on a charm offensive? Answer: An international embarrassment.

Pelosi was born Nancy Patricia D’Alesandro on March 26, 1940, in Baltimore, Maryland. When her fifth child entered high school, the millionairess housewife (husband Paul’s $25 million comes from real estate and investments) took to politics like Michael Moore to an organic buffet, hop-scotching up the Congressional ladder, from minority whip and finally to speaker—third in line to the presidency.

Evidently, Pelosi believed she alone was capable of breaking the violent impasse between Israel and her Arab neighbors. So in 2007, she took off with a Congressional delegation that included two Republicans, visiting Israel, Syria, the Palestinian territories, Lebanon and Saudi Arabia.

In Syria Pelosi was captured in photographs she doubtless regrets, “going native” in an Arabic head scarf. She showed a lot of bare knee and hints of thigh while chatting with Syrian President Bashar Assad, in a land where women are advised to dress conservatively, or else.

After the meeting with Assad, Pelosi held a press conference in which she announced that she’d brought the Syrian leader a message from Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert: Thanks to Nancy, Israel was ready to negotiate for peace! But Olmert had expressed no such thing.

His staff later clarified what Olmert actually said: “Although Israel is interested in peace with Syria, that country continues to be part of the axis of evil and a force that encourages terror in the Middle East.”

Israel hinted at Pelosi’s nefarious motives. “Pelosi took part of the things that were said in the meeting and used what suited her,” Olmert’s aides said. Can you spell “disaster”?

Later, visiting Saudi Arabia, Pelosi complained to officials about the lack of female politicians. As if that’s the biggest problem facing the nation that produced Osama bin Laden.

To this day, Nancy Pelosi hangs on to the hope that peace is possible. And that Nancy Pelosi matters.

“The road to Damascus is a road to peace,” she said. Whatever that means.

Inexplicably, on February 16, 2008, Nancy sent the House on vacation. She did so hours before the Protect America Act was set to expire without a House extension. The Senate found time to pass the ex-tension, and the House certainly had enough votes. But Pelosi was adamant that her people get an immediate break.

Never mind that the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act needed to be updated immediately. The law gives the government the ability to eavesdrop on foreign communications without warrants. As the bill hit the sunset, America’s capacity to gather intelligence on terrorists overseas was badly compromised. We were in danger.

Pelosi’s House used plenty of session time to explore in depth such matters of critical national import as steroid use in Major League Baseball. Now it was time for vacation, baby!

Where was the fire?

Townhall.com reported that Pelosi’s daughter, Christine, was getting married on Valentine’s Day weekend, and Mom was in a hurry to get to the wedding.

At least Nancy Pelosi brakes for traditional family values.

She topped herself on the last day of February 2008 when she pushed through the House a bill that would scrap some $18 billion in tax deductions given to American oil companies, saying, “The big five oil companies recently reported record profits for 2007.”

But with this bill, big oil would be deprived of money used for developing new sources of supply, and certainly result in raising the already sky-high price of gasoline. And Pelosi failed to mention that her pet legislation exempted Citgo. The oil company operated by the brutal leftist dictator Hugo Chavez would keep its six percent American tax deduction.

President Bush vowed to veto the bill if it somehow made it through the Senate. As if Congress had nothing bigger on its plate.

Nice going, Nancy the Red.

W
HEN
B
ILL
M
AHER’S ONSTAGE
,
comedy isn’t too funny.

Comedian Bill Maher, born William Maher, Jr., on January 20, 1956, in New York City, most certainly believes in something. But what? Well, he believes in the legalization of marijuana and gambling, in gay marriage, and he also serves on the board of that celebutard-friendly group sometimes compared to a terrorist organization, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Maher is a big believer in the dignity of animals. Humans, not so much.

Maher was famous as the host of
Politically Incorrect
on Comedy Central and ABC until the show was bumped from the tube following his tasteless broadcast on September 17, 2001. As smoke still rose from downtown New York where terrorists did their worst, Maher made the bloodthirsty attack into something worse than a joke. He applauded the bravery of the butchers.

“We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away,” he said. “That’s cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it’s not cowardly.”

This, from a man who had the deep sensitivity to compare dogs to mentally retarded children: “But I’ve often said that if I had—I have two dogs—if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all…Dogs are like retarded children.”

He’s called himself a libertarian. And yet, he kneeled with lefty, loony Michael Moore on the set of his new show on HBO,
Real Time with Bill Maher
to beg Ralph Nader to drop out of the 2004 presidential race to make way for John Kerry. Didn’t work.

Making fun of religion is another major theme for Maher. On an August 2005 appearance on
Larry King Live
, a caller asked him, “Hi. Well, my question is, the Lord spoke to me approximately three years ago, and if the Lord spoke to you, I was wondering if you’d become a believer.”

Maher didn’t hesitate.

“No, I’d check into Bellevue, which is what you should do.” Then he trashed all religions, particularly Scientology, as comparable to mental illness.

“Like all religious people [they] have a neurological disorder. And the only reason why people think it’s sane is because so many other people believe the same thing. It’s insanity by consensus.”

A few days later, he told Larry King that Christian promises of life after death were like promises made by politicians to get elected.

In Maher’s world, religion is sick, but child molestation is understandable.

Appearing on Craig Ferguson’s
Late Late Show
in May 2005, Maher excused Michael Jackson’s habit of sleeping with little boys as not such a bad thing.

“I think that there is no perspective,” said Maher. “People have no perspective, especially about crime. You know, zero tolerance. You know, of course, nobody ever wants to see a child, you know, diddled. That’s just plain wrong. But even the people who are testifying against him, they’re saying that he serviced them. They didn’t service him.”

Ferguson, who has a son (Maher does not) said the idea of a pervert touching his kid drives him crazy. Still, Maher persisted.

“Very wrong. But, you know, I remember when I was a kid. I was savagely beaten once by bullies in the school yard. Savagely beaten. If I had a choice between being savagely beaten and being gently masturbated by a pop star, I’d go with the masturbator. It’s just me.”

Ferguson abruptly ended the interview. He probably saved his guest from himself.

Who knows? Maher might next have mused approvingly about brave, gentle terrorists sexually abusing religious folk.

S
HE WAS THE REIGNING
sweetheart of morning television. Then after her husband died of colon cancer, she tried hard news, undergoing a colonoscopy, live, on air, on NBC’s
Today
show.

But this did not come close to another kind of rectal incursion Katie Couric underwent after she moved to CBS in September 2006, becoming the first woman to anchor a network evening news broadcast solo.

I wrote at the time: “Katie chose to wear an unfortunate white blazer—the result, no doubt of some jokester lying to her face when Katie asked, ‘Does this make me look fat?’ And the day after Labor Day, to boot!” Others were harsher.

And still, I could excuse any sartorial sins committed by Katherine Anne Couric, born January 7, 1957, in Arlington, Virginia, were it not for her maddening insistence on pushing her views under the guise of news.

Couric is a tiger when confronting enemies, such as National Rifle Association president Charlton Heston. But she is a silky kitten when faced with her idols, Hillary Clinton or Jimmy Carter. Displays of American patriotism make her run for the Maalox.

“Of course, he is considered by many as one of the finest former presidents this country has ever seen!” Couric gushed as Carter, the anti-Semite who kissed up to Venezuelan president and America-hater Hugo Chavez, received his 2002 Nobel Peace prize. “Once again, we send out our heartfelt congratulations to President Jimmy Carter!”

She suggested in 1999 that “Christian conservatives” were to blame for creating an atmosphere in which James Byrd and Matthew Shepard were lynched for being black and gay. She did not try to conceal her excitement as Nancy Pelosi was named House minority leader in 2002.

“Is it okay to say, ‘You go girl?’” she asked Ann Curry. Ann ruled it okay.

Couric has repeatedly applauded France for being more family-friendly than the United States. “So great that young mother being able to come home at three every day and spend that time with her child. Isn’t that nice? The French, they’ve got it right, don’t they?” she said.

She went into conniptions when Domino’s Pizza founder Tom Monaghan talked of building a community based on Catholic values in 2006. “You can understand how people would hear some of these things and be like, ‘Wow! this is really infringing on civil liberties and freedom of speech and right to privacy and all sorts of basic tenets that this country was founded on.’ Right?”

And she plagiarized a “Katie Couric’s Notebook” column on the CBS News website, in which she fondly remembers getting her first library card. The rest was stolen from a
Wall Street Journal
piece about the decline of libraries. CBS deemed Couric innocent, but fired a producer.

That notebook also screwed up a story about Barack Obama, provocatively titled, “Is America ready for a president who grew up praying in a mosque?” While I hold no love for Obama, I must say this lousy piece of journalism was based on the recollection of a childhood friend who initially said he saw Obama praying in an Arab temple—but later said he didn’t think so. CBS took the piece down. They did not take down Katie.

C
OURIC MANAGED TO
anger her natural allies on the left with her snooze-worthy reporting from Iraq, to which CBS sent her in a desperate bid to shore up bottom-feeding ratings. Or maybe the network was employing a passive-aggressive method for finding a new anchor? MoveOn.org slammed her for doing “puff pieces” dictated by the Bush administration. It mattered little. Her ratings tanked.

S
HE ANGERED EVERYONE ELSE
, and threw away any remaining shred of journalistic integrity, when she told a National Press Club audience that it was “pretty much accepted” that the war was a mistake.

“Everyone in this room would agree that people in this country were misled in terms of the rationale for this war,” she said. Not an original thought. But where had Katie’s objectivity gone?

She then bizarrely slammed the American patriotism on display in the days following September 11, 2001.

“The whole culture of wearing flags on our lapel and saying ‘we’ when referring to the United States and, even the ‘shock and awe’ of the initial stages, it was just too jubilant and just a little uncomfortable.”

Couric admitted agreeing with Iranian President (and Jew, gay and America-hater) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on one point. “Oftentimes Westerners don’t really understand fully the values of this particular culture. And I think the jury is still out as to whether democracy can really thrive in Iraq.”

So Katie Couric is made uncomfortable by expressions of patriotism. And she cribs from Ahmadinejad.

Need I say more? Katie Couric is the epitome of celebutardom. Fat funnyman Oliver Hardy once said, “The character I play on-screen is the dumbest kind of person there is—he’s a dumb person who thinks he’s smart.”

You listening, Katie?