Catalyst (The Best Days #1) (19 page)

“Don’t you understand what it’s done?” Troy asked, choking on his words.  Then with contempt in his voice he decided, “No, I guess
you
wouldn’t have any idea.  You’re popular.  You get to parade up and down the hallways flipping your hair and coasting through life.  But me…do you have any idea how humiliating it is to be harassed at school every day?”

Troy wasn’t completely right.  Rory’s life wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, particularly not after Grace’s party.  But she could understand how, to someone like Troy, it might look like she had things pretty easy. 
She could see how distraught he was.  She knew that now wasn’t the time to complain about her own problems.

“
No,” she confessed quietly.  “I haven’t been in your shoes.”

“Nor would you want to. 
Every day,” he hissed, “I come to school and try to stay under Jeremy’s radar.  I try to make myself invisible.  And when he inevitably does start pushing me around, you know what the worst part is?  It’s not being beaten up or having my stuff wrecked.  It’s the audience…the spectacle.  Everyone just stands around watching and whether they’re laughing or looking uncomfortable,
that’s
the worst part.  And now,” he continued, his voice cracking, “Now I’m just entertainment.  A video for everyone to laugh at and talk about…and it’s eternalized thanks to the freakin’ Internet.”

When she didn’t answer right away, Troy looked at Rory to make sure she was still listening.  She was.  She’d heard every word of it – truly heard it.  The thing was
Troy was right.  Every word he’d said had resonated with her and she knew he spoke the truth. 

The gravity of what had been done to him was slowly sinking in.

“There are only two weeks of school left before summer break,” she said quietly.  “I know the video will still be floating around when school starts in the fall but these people, they have short attention spans.  They’ll forget.”

“But
I
won’t.  I’ll always know it’s out there,” Troy replied bitterly.

“You will,” Rory agreed.  “But two weeks, Troy.  Just get through them, okay?  Put one foot in front of the other a
nd then it will be summer break. It will blow over eventually.  And in time, it won’t seem as bad as it does now.  Just wait it out, alright?”

He sighed, a wretched, exhausted sound.  “It’s not like I have any other choice.”  His eyes searched Rory’s, the anger gone, replaced with weariness.  “Please, can I just have some time alone now?”

“Okay.”  Rory stood up and walked toward the door.  Then she turned around.  “Rebecca cares about you a lot you know,” she told him.  “Please don’t hold this against her.  It was my lapse of judgment…and my…boyfriend’s, if that’s what he still is.  Rebecca only wants the best for you.”

His shoulders
slumped forward.  “I know,” he sighed.  “I’m not mad at her.  I just needed to vent and she happened to be there.  Tell her I’m sorry, okay?”

“I will.”

Rory exited the men’s room and was surprised to find her sister waiting, apparently standing guard.  “Troy says he’s sorry for snapping at you,” she advised Rebecca.  “But don’t go in there just yet,” she added.  “He’ll come out when he’s ready.”

“Okay.  Is he…?”

“I think he’ll be alright, all things considered.”

“Rory…”

“What?”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me,” Rory insisted, the expression on her face grim.  “I caused this.”  She glanced down the hallway at the shut door of the algebra class where she was supposed to be.  Then she swallowed her pride.  “Do you think you could help me get caught up in algebra tonight?” she asked her younger sister with a twinge of embarrassment.  “I have to go.”

“Sure,” Rebecca agreed.  “Where are you going?”

Her jaw set in anger, Rory replied, “I need to go talk to Carson.”

At Carson’s house, no one answered the door.

Seeing that
his parents’ vehicles were gone from the driveway, Rory stood on the front porch banging the heavy brass knocker against the door over and over, taking all of her frustration out on it.

When she heard footsteps on the stairs just inside the door, she was surprised.

“Whoa, whoa, I’m coming” Rory heard Carson call out as he ran down the staircase.  He flung open the front door of his house.  He looked bleary eyed and had bed hair…how he managed to look gorgeous despite that, Rory would never know.

He offered a lopsided grin when he saw Rory and ran his hand over his head.  “Hi” he said, stifling a yawn.  “I must have fallen asleep.”

“What were you thinking?!” Rory demanded, skipping all pleasantries and dodging his kiss hello.  Her blue eyes flashed with indignation. 

“Uh, what?” he asked, utterly clueless.
  “Is this about Sunday afternoon?”

“
No!” she exploded.  The reminder of that surreal and concerning conversation only added fuel to the fire, making her anger burn hotter.  “You posted the video of Troy and Jeremy online!”

He scratched his head.  “Oh yeah, I
meant to tell you about that.”

“What were you thinking?!
” she repeated, her hands clenched at her sides and her chest heaving.

Carson raised an eyebrow.  “Calm down,” he advised.  “Come in, let’s talk.”

“I don’t want to come in and don’t tell me to calm down!” Rory fumed.  “Did you do this to get back at me, because I dared to call you out for being an ass the day we went for ice cream?  I can’t believe you!”

“Get you back?  No, of course not…Rory, please sit down.  We need to talk.”

With a bewildered look on his face, Carson stepped outside and gestured for Rory to take a seat on the porch swing.  Begrudgingly, she complied but when he sat next to her she reflexively pulled away, increasing the space between them.

“You’ve been completely obsessed with blaming yourself for Grace’s suicide,” Carson
told her.  “To some degree I suppose I get it, but now it’s like you’re trying to redeem yourself by saving Troy.”

“I am not,” she fired back even though maybe there was some truth to Carson’s words.

He didn’t let her outburst interrupt him.  Instead, he explained, “You tried to help Troy it was admirable, but the thing is guys like Jeremy Just.  Don’t.  Stop. I could tell you were devastated the other night when you told me about Jeremy being up to his old tricks.  I felt bad for you and I wanted to help.”

“You posted the video online…because of me?”

“Well yeah,” Carson confessed.  “You’ve been through so much and half the time you walk around looking completely lost.  I know I said I’d be patient and I’ve been trying, but enough is enough.  I was hoping the video would wind up in the school administration’s hands and they’d expel Jeremy.  Then maybe you’d finally let this vendetta of yours go before it eats you alive.”

She took deep, measured breaths and tried not to snap at Carson when she spoke next. 
“Did you even think about how Troy would feel?”

Carson’s brow furrowed.  “If he’s afraid of retaliation from the football team, I think he’s overreactin
g.  Most of those guys don’t even like Jeremy.  But if it helps you can tell Troy I have his back.  I’ll ask some of my buddies to look out for him the next couple of weeks until the school year ends.”

“That’s not the problem,” Rory explained, trying not to sound as impatient as she felt.  “Troy is completely humiliated that the video is online.  It’s like a moment frozen in time.  He’ll be a victim
now forever on the Internet.  That’s the last thing he wants.”

“Oh. 
That didn’t even cross my mind,” Carson replied, looking distressed.  “That’s not good.”

She forced herself to pause before saying another word, hoping that somehow the right thing to say would come to her
.  Staying in control during moments of stress wasn’t exactly Rory’s strong point.  “You should have talked to me first,” she told him.  “Please don’t just act like you know what’s best for me and take the initiative without running it by me first.”

It was Carson’s turn to sound impatient.  “You say that like you know what’s best for you,” he scoffed.  “I hate to say it Rory but you’re a mess right now.  I’m trying to be a good boyfriend and I’m trying to cut you some slack but one minute you’re making out with me and the next you’re in tears, crying over some girl you didn’t know any better than the rest of us did.”

Rory stared at him wide-eyed, in disbelief at what she was hearing.  “What are you saying?”

He sighed.  “I’m not trying to be insensitive,” he insisted
, “But just because you were the one unlucky enough to find Grace’s body, you seem to think you two were kindred spirits or something.”

“What?”

“You said yourself that you two weren’t close.  You need to move past Grace’s suicide and get on with your life, Rory.  I’m sorry if that sounds cold but it’s the truth.  Someone has to say it.”

“I…I
am
getting better,” Rory insisted in bewilderment.  “It’s gradual, but there’s been progress.  And,” she added, her shock turning to anger, “you’re absolutely right:  what you just said
does
sound cold.  I can’t believe how insensitive you’re being.”

“It’s honesty, not insensitivity.  I think
you need to get professional help,” Carson insisted, seemingly unwilling to let the subject drop.  “You need to do whatever it takes before it’s too late for you to ever have a normal life again.”

She was dumbfounded. 
“I trusted you,” she managed to choke out, feeling completely betrayed.  “I confided in you and told you things I haven’t told anyone else…and now you’re accusing me of being, what, crazy?  Fake?  Just come right out and say it, Carson.  Tell me what you really think of me.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“Am I?” she demanded, her voice growing shriller.  “Tell me, how would
you
react if someone who’s supposed to care about you said such hateful things?”

“
I’m not being hateful,” he insisted.  “I’m sorry if I was supposed to sugarcoat what I said before opening my mouth.  I’ve been biting my tongue ever since we got together because I know there’s stuff you need to work out.  But every time you seem to make progress, you backslide.  It’s hard to watch.  I can’t just sit by any longer.  I’m trying to help.”

“Well next time don’t bother!”

“Rory…”

She fought back tears as she looked at him.  “You said you wanted to be honest, so tell me the truth,” she said, her voice trembling with bottled up emotion and a
mountain of supressed fears.  “If Grace hadn’t died, would you have even told me you were falling for me?”

“I noticed you long before that night and you know it,” Carson shot back.  Sounding weary, he added, “Let’s not do this, Rory.”

She crossed her arms.  It made her look tough…invincible, even.  But the truth was she only did it so Carson wouldn’t see her hands shake.  The realization that she no longer trusted him to see her in her weakest moments was a difficult one.  “You didn’t answer the question,” she insisted.

He stared at her, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but there.

“You came into my life at just the right time and said all the right things,” Rory said dully as she connected the dots.  “Stupid me, I thought it was the silver lining…but it wasn’t a coincidence, was it?  You feel sorry for me.”

“I care about you.”

“You feel sorry for me.”

“Okay, fine!” Carson threw his hands up in the air, utterly exasperated.  “I feel sorry for you.  There, are you happy?”

His words stung. 

“We never would have dated had Grace not died, would we?”

“Does it really matter?” Carson shot back, his patience long gone.  “I don’t understand why we’re playing this pointless game of what if.  What would or wouldn’t have happened doesn’t matter. 
This
is what happened. 
This
is what matters.  God, Rory, how am I supposed to deal with your never ending insecurities?”

The tears were going to make an appearance soon despite her best efforts to hold them back.  Rory could feel a lump forming in he
r throat and her chest felt constricted.  Those signs indicated that an ugly cry was imminent.  She wasn’t about to let Carson see that.

“You won’t have to
deal with my insecurities anymore,” she snapped, masking her heartbreak with anger.  “I don’t want to be your pity girlfriend.  God, I can’t believe that’s what I was.  Consider me out of your life.”

Deep down, she probably didn’t mean it.  She was testing him.  It was their first real fight and she was testing him. 
Had Carson passed the test, maybe everything would have blown over once Rory had cooled off. 

But he didn’t pass the test.

He didn’t even try to say the right thing.

Instead, he rubbed his eyes and winced like he was getting a tension headache.  “Maybe you’re right,” he agreed, much to Rory’s utter shock and disbelief.  “Dealing with your mood swings and trying to read your mind is exhausting.  I
f it was temporary I’d just put up with it and wait it out but it feels like there’s no end in sight.  Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.”

He said something else but Rory didn’t even hear it, or if she did it didn’t register.  She turned and ran, tears streaming down her cheeks.  Carson could have chased after her.  He was in great shape and with his long legs, could have caught up with her easily.

But he didn’t chase her.

When Rory finally worked up the courage to peek over her shoulder at the Keller residence, Carson wasn’t even standing on the front porch anymore.  He’d gone inside.  And just
like that, Rory was all alone.