Cafe Babanussa (16 page)

She had never thought of herself as more beautiful because of her light colouring. In fact, she had secretly wished she had been born darker, certain that this would have kept the questions at bay. Her father's words, the familiar rhythm of his speech, would shore her up, reassure her. He spoke to her as his girlchild: “Darlin', butterball, honeychile . . . Don't let them take away who you are. Being black isn't a monochromatic state. Just look at the rainbow of colours in our family. Being black doesn't mean we're all the same. We are many people, many colours, many cultures. And therein lies the beauty of it.”

She loved her father dearly. Loved his wide open view of the world. She was enthralled when he took his children to the Japanese Canadian Cultural Centre and plunked them one after the other onto the knees of a Santa whose eyes looked so different from any Santa she'd ever seen before. She loved it when he took them to the traditional wedding of a Native Canadian colleague and spoke to them of their great-great-grandmother, an Algonquin woman who left her people
to marry a Black man. He told his children that he himself believed in no god, but that they should accept other people's right to believe.

“Just tell them your mother's white and your father's Black” was his response to his children's need for a simple answer to the constant queries of the people around them. For years she dutifully repeated his words to all who asked. Only as a young woman did she realize that describing her
parents
did not actually define who she was herself. She wished he had not left her to struggle with that damn puzzle all on her own. And now here she was, stuck in a Berlin hospital, the blackness and the whiteness, the days and nights, battling like knights and dragons over her true self.

Ruby heard the carts rattling down the hall and checked her watch again: 11:30 a.m. Her thoughts drifted to easier questions, such as what lunch would taste like. She checked the card she had filled in at breakfast time, full of tedious little boxes lined up next to equally tedious selections: yogurt, porridge, cheese, white rolls, brown rolls, sausage, rice, soup. She had been given the option of deciding one day at a time what she wanted to eat, or selecting foods for a whole week at a time. She chose the soup and the sausage and rice, as she was tired of cheese and rolls and sticky porridge.

Emma poked her head into the room and waved. “Hiya!”

“Oh my love, I'm so glad to see you,” said Ruby. They hugged for a long, long time.

“So, you're in the loony bin. How do you feel?”

“Tired and scared. Wondering how long I'll be here for, wondering when I'll have my mind back.”

“Ruby, just so you know, I don't think you really belong here. I'm sure you'll get out soon.”

“I wish I could just snap my fingers and it would all be done with.”

The two women carried on together for an hour. Emma had brought wool and knitting needles with her and showed Ruby how to cast on and off and do a simple knit stitch. They chatted about their friends and about planning a trip to the East. When Emma was ready to go, she said once again, “You don't belong here, Ruby. Come home soon.”

Ruby nodded and waved goodbye, sorry to see her friend leave.

The clattering food carts neared their room again. Irina and Elke began to stir in their beds, pushing sheets aside, rubbing their eyes. Ruby wondered if they felt the same panic she did every time they woke. “Where am I? Why am I here?” followed by the realization that she was adrift in this sea of strange faces, sounds and sights. Irina sat up, swung her feet out over the floor and stretched both arms up over her head. Thick, mottled scar tissue zigzagged around both wrists. She saw Ruby staring at them.

“Yep, these are my battle scars.” She laughed. “Been here a few times.”

Ruby looked down at her hands in silence.

“Hey, don't be sorry for me. Every time I've been in, I've
gotten out. Besides, my honey's coming to see me today. I bet yours will be here soon, too.”

Ruby smiled at her, glad at the chance to talk about something else. “Who's your honey?”

“His name's Niko. He's a beaut. Just you wait and see. He'll be in here every day, bringing me things, taking care of me. I'll be out in no time. Mmm! Can't wait to get some more of his stuff.” Irina thumped her hands down on the bed next to her hips and shoved her pelvis into the air.

Ruby blinked in astonishment and then laughed. She could see that Irina would breathe a lot of life into this place.

“Excuse me!” Frau Jungblut's voice exploded through their giggles. “Would you refrain from making such crude gestures in my presence!”

Irina shot off the bed and stamped her foot on the ground. Ruby shook her head at her and pressed a finger to her lips. Irina glowered at Frau Jungblut and marched off to the washroom.

“
Ja, sicher
. Of course,
meine Dame
. We'll just have to take it out to the hall.”

Two aides pushed lunch carts into the room. Ruby lifted a tray off one cart and opened the lid gingerly. Three compartments divided the servings: sausage, rice, mixed vegetables. She pushed a slice of sausage into her mouth. Frau Jungblut took a tray, but left it resting on her lap.

“You should eat something,” Ruby ventured. Although she didn't really care for her, she couldn't stand the thought of being locked up with this woman without being able to have a sensible conversation with her.

“I'm not really hungry.”

“You'll feel a lot better if you eat. Try it. I've seen worse.”

Ruby chewed slowly and watched Frau Jungblut hover her nose above the food on her tray, nostrils flared.

Just then Werner strode into the room. He held one hand behind his back, and with the other he brushed back a lock of Ruby's curly black hair as he bent over to place a kiss on her cheek.

“Ta-da!” He handed her a bouquet of red roses. As Irina let out a loud whistle from her bed, Ruby's face flushed.

“Thank you,” she murmured. Lifting the roses to her lips, she kissed a petal. She let her fingers graze the tip of each flower, carefully avoiding Werner's eyes.

“Eleven,” Werner said, interrupting her counting. “You always give an uneven number of flowers.”

Ruby sighed and laid the bouquet beside her on the bed. “Yes, of course. You've told me that more than once already.”

Werner's eyes narrowed. He grabbed her hand. “Come on. Let's go find a vase for these.”

Ruby pried her hand loose and lifted the tray off her lap. She shifted her feet into a pair of paper slippers the hospital had provided. She moved to stand up. Her legs felt rubbery, as if they couldn't carry her weight. Werner took hold of her arm and guided her out of the room. He stopped just outside the door and took both her hands in his.

“What happened?” he asked, when no one could hear them.

Ruby looked at him. “What do you mean?”

“Last night. The doctor told me you had another fit.”

“Oh. So you were talking to him already?”

“Yeah. Tell me what happened.”

She thought about the visions she'd had and looked into the face that had stalked her at night. “Just like the doctor said. I had another fit. I don't really want to talk about it.” She didn't like the way he was looking at her with such intensity. She couldn't shake the thought that he was really out to get her. Could all those visions be wrong?

She moved away from him. He pulled her back.

“Listen, it's better to talk to me than to some group therapy nuts.”

“Werner, I just want to forget about it. Besides, I don't have to do the group therapy stuff if I don't want to. I can just see Dr. Heller.”

“That's good.”

“Werner, I'm still feeling pretty shaky. Can we go back?”

Werner shrugged. “Okay. Just wait here a sec while I get the vase.”

Ruby leaned up against the wall and watched him march down the hall and disappear into the nursing station. He came out and waved a white porcelain vase in the air, his lips stretched into a thin smile. Back in the room, Werner put the flowers in the vase and placed them on the night table. Then he pulled a chair up next to the bed.

“I'm going to need a few things from my place,” Ruby said.

“I know. I brought some paper and a pen so you could write a list.”

“The doctor put me on some stuff to stop the shaking, but I guess it'll take a while to kick in. Can I just dictate the list to you?”

“Sure.” Werner printed at the top of the paper, in neat, block letters:
list of things to bring to the hospital
. Then he drew three columns, printing at the top of them
Toiletries
,
Clothes
,
Miscellaneous
. Ruby waited for him to finish organizing the page. Then, column by column, she rhymed off the things she thought she needed.

Irina was listening carefully. “Boy, are you guys ever organized! I just threw whatever I could find into my suitcase.”

“Being organized is his specialty,” Ruby said, nodding at Werner.

“Well, of course,” said Werner, looking sternly back at Ruby. “How do you expect me to sort through all your things and know what to bring without a list?”

“Werner, give it a rest, okay? Anyway, it's finished. I can't think of anything else I need.”

There was another knock at the door. Irina yelled out, “Come on in, don't bother knocking.”

A short man with dark hair slicked back off his forehead came into the room. He wore a bright orange shirt unbuttoned to his navel, black pants and pointy black suede boots. Ruby stared at the thick mat of hair that covered his chest. Irina bounced up and down on her bed, shouting, “Niko, Niko, I knew you'd come. Darling, come here and let me kiss you!”

Looking a trifle embarrassed, Niko flashed a bright smile
at no one in particular and went over to Irina's bed. She threw her arms around his waist and shimmied up against his furry chest. Werner looked at Ruby and rolled his eyes in disdain. Ruby ignored him and smiled, enjoying Irina and Niko's reunion. The two lovers got up to leave the room. Irina turned to wink at Ruby as she passed through the doorway. She whispered, “Remember what I said about having fun?” Ruby laughed and said, “Go for it!”

“Did you see the clothes the guy had on?”

“Yeah, I saw. So what? They're in love,” Ruby said almost accusingly.

“They look like a couple of wackos, if you ask me.”

Ruby changed the conversation. “How's my sister?”

“Jessie's okay. Packing her stuff up. You know she goes back tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But she'll be in to see you later today.”

“Why didn't she come with you?”

“I don't know. I guess I wanted to see you by myself first. See if you're okay enough to have any more visitors.”

“Werner, she's my
sister
. She's seen everything there is to see already, anyway.” Ruby sighed. She remembered how anxious she had been about Jessie's arrival in Berlin. Werner had gone to pick her up at the airport. Tired from the long flight, her face had blanched when she first saw Ruby. The next day she had slept late. Ruby had stood over her prostrate figure on the mattress, listening to the high-pitched wheeze of her snore. She stared at her flared nose, thick lips, the tight kinks
of her light brown hair. She wondered how it was that they had come out so different.

She had missed Jessie incredibly these years. Her father had always insisted that family was the most important thing in the world; she never believed him before, but now she understood. Despite having rejected them, having run away to Europe and married Werner, it was her family that she loved more than anything else.

Ruby wasn't able to talk to her sister much about anything, as fragmented as she was. But Jessie kept her company and held her hand and hugged her. She cooked for her and made endless pots of tea. She made sure she didn't go outside. She was there. That's what counted. Once she asked if she could look at what Ruby was scrawling in her journal. Ruby had reluctantly pushed it towards her and said, “You won't understand.”

Jessie read the journal thoughtfully, her head in her hand. She said, “You're right. I don't really get it. So much paranoia, Ruby. Where do all these thoughts come from?”

Ruby shrugged and said simply, “They're a part of me. I can't separate myself from the voices, the thoughts.”

But it did open up the door for them to talk about Dominick and the abortion.

“You really took a gamble on him, Sis. And you put your relationship with Werner on the line. He must have been devastated when you told him.”

Ruby nodded and gave a watery smile as tears rolled down her cheeks. “Yes, he was.” She hung her head in her hands.

Werner's voice brought her back into the present. “Ruby,
you're in a safe place now. They'll look after you here. And I'll be in to see you every day, I promise. Besides, your parents will be here in a few days.”

“You're right. Listen, I'm sorry I've been snappy. I'm just worn out.”

“Yeah, I know. I'm going to go now anyway. I'll come back with Jessie tonight.”

“Will you? I don't know what I'm going to do here all day long. I guess if you bring me those books, I can read some.”

“I'll bring them.” Werner leaned over and kissed her again. “I'll see you later, then. Don't go thinking any more funny things.”

“Christ, Werner. It's not as if I can control it,” Ruby said, looking up at him.

“Well, just don't go getting into any trouble with what's her name out there.”

“Her name's Irina. And actually, I think she's gonna be a lot of fun.”

“Uh-huh,” Werner groaned. “Just take it easy, for my sake.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ruby muttered. Then to herself: “Everything's for your sake, my dear.” Then she waved at him from her bed, watching as his perfectly polished brown shoes marched out of the room.