I stuttered and stammered through the tears that were now freely rolling down my cheeks.
“No! I … I miss you. I’m so sorry for what I did, but I swear I never meant to hurt you. I hate myself more than you ever could.”
Leaning back against the wall, I held my head in my hands and cried shamelessly. I had always known that if I ever saw Ollie again that it would be painful
, but this was gut-wrenching. I heard him sigh, but I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t bear to see that look in his eyes anymore. My body shook with every sob, and I wished so hard that I was stronger, but this wasn’t just some old fling, it was Ollie.
His hand pressed flat against the wall beside my head and I could feel his breath on my cheek. His fingers hooked beneath my jaw, lifting it so that I was forced to look at him. Wiping my tears with his thumb, he shook his head.
“I could never hate you. I wish I could. But the sad and painful fucking truth is that I still love you. I love you so much it’s killing me every second that you’re not here because I know where you are and whose arms you’re in. I love you, Layla, and seeing you, being this close to you, and not being able to touch you, kiss you, or hold you, is driving me crazy.”
The thought of kissing Ollie instantly drew my attention to his mouth and his delicious, glistening lip ring. Biting my own lip, I hitched a breath. A smile spread across his face. Edging his mouth closer to mine, he spoke, breathlessly.
“You’re breathing a little heavily, Layla, and I know your body well enough to know that those lips are begging to be kissed. Admit it, you want me.”
I wanted to tell him that he was wrong. I wanted to walk away and pretend that I wasn’t enjoying the feel of his body against mine. But most of all, I wanted that kiss.
“I don’t want this,” I lied.
He leaned in and I could feel the cool steel of his lip ring grazing my own hot, flushed lip.
“Liar.”
I couldn’t think or form a coherent word. My heart pounded beneath my ribcage as an old and all too familiar feeling settled in my stomach.
If I had ever thought for one moment that I was over Ollie, in the seconds that ticked slowly by, I knew I wasn’t. My body ached and longed for his touch. I wanted to be closer to him, to feel the cool steel of his piercing against my lips. I wanted him.
I let out a long breath and watched as he edged closer and closer. Lifting his hand, he placed it on my chest and grinned.
“Boom, boom, boom. That for me?”
Biting my lip, I closed my eyes and held my breath, savoring the sensation of his fingers as they gently caressed the curve of my cleavage.
“It is for me. Oh, Layla. I wanna kiss you so much right now.”
I gasped as his hand slid gently from my chest to my chin. His thumb pressed softly on my bottom lip as his body pressed me further against the wall.
“And you want me to kiss you. I can feel it in your heartbeat. I can see it in your eyes and I can hear it in the pant of your breath.”
His top lip grazed my bottom one and I waited, desperate for a taste of him. Pushing away sharply and grinning at me, he shook his head and sneered. “Well, just like my feelings, my heart, and love for you, I guess it’s just not enough.”
I stammered. “I … Ollie. You are such an asshole.”
I moved to storm past him, but he caught me by the wrist and spun me around to face him.
“I’m an asshole? That’s rich coming from a cheating, lying, heart stomping whore.”
Raising my hand, I slapped him hard around the face. Tears stung my eyes as I glared at him. I was wrong. Ollie wasn’t heartbroken. He was bitter, twisted, and angry.
“Thanks for that. You just reminded me exactly what a heartless bitch you really are. So, why don’t you do us both a favor and run back to your rich little boyfriend. Oh, I might have hurt your pride, but I’m sure it’s nothing some diamonds won’t fix.”
Holding my wrist to the light, he snorted at the diamond bracelet I was wearing. The bracelet Jared had given me. Tearing myself from his grasp, I shoved him away from me and turned to leave.
“That’s it, walk away. It’s what you do best, and this time stay gone!”
Pushing my way through the entrance doors, I hurriedly moved out of his sight and slumped against the glass wall. My heart ached and my eyes burned with unshed tears. Trying hard to catch my breath, I heard a loud roar come from inside, and I knew it was him. Ollie Green hated me, and I deserved it. But I’d never imagined he’d be so cruel. I’d done this. The change in him was my fault. Clutching my chest, I pulled out my keys and ran the few blocks back to the solace of my car. Sliding inside, I rested my head in my hands and sobbed. I wasn’t upset; I was grieving. The Ollie I knew and loved had died, and I’d killed him.
The next two days were mostly spent eating junk food and lounging around on the couch. Amy and Mel had been so busy with setting up their apartment that I’d hardly seen them since I’d arrived. After calling them with an offer of a romantic movie marathon and pizza, we had finally set a girl date for that evening. I hadn’t told either of them about my encounter with Ollie. It was still too painful and I couldn’t bear the thought of re-living the horrible mess. What was he doing in Long Beach in the middle of the week, anyway!? Lifting my hand, I examined my palm. I’d hit him so hard that the sting had lasted several hours, and I wondered if it would leave a mark, but the only scars left from that day were internal. Snuggling down into the plump cushions of the couch, I sighed loudly and picked up my cell. Dialing Jared, I felt the distance for the first time since we’d parted.
“Layla, what’s wrong?” He’d answered on the first ring and, I wondered if he’d been cradling his phone the same way I had been.
“Nothing’s wrong. I just thought I’d call and see how things were going.”
He sighed with relief. “Badly. The company we hired to do the construction is demanding more money by stating that the site is more dangerous than originally thought. It’s all bullshit to squeeze more cash out of me, but it’s in hand. But I don’t want to talk about work. What have you been doing? Having lots of fun?”
“Not much. Everyone’s kind of busy. My parents are working, and the girls are furnishing their new apartment, so I’m spending most of my time watching TV and laying on the couch.”
He chuckled. “Not the visit you imagined, I suppose. Well, just a few more days and you’ll be here with me in the romance capital of the world. I have a lot planned for you, so I hope you’re prepared.”
I smiled. “I can’t wait.”
There was a long pause, and I waited patiently for him to begin his line of inquiry. Of course he was going to interrogate me. Without Daniel keeping a close eye on my every move, Jared was clueless as to my whereabouts during the day, and also, with whom I may have been spending my time.
“Did you visit the coffee shop?”
Here we go …
“Just once.” In fact, I hadn’t left the house since seeing Ollie, so the coffee shop had been my
only
visit all week. Well, so far.
“And have you managed to catch up with your friends?”
“Kate was there, but I didn’t see anyone else.”
He cleared his throat loudly. “That’s nice, but it wasn’t Kate I was inquiring about.”
Rolling my eyes, I groaned. “I know who you meant.”
I thought for a moment about telling him. But what would be the benefits? Ollie had made his feelings about me perfectly clear, and as far as I was concerned, there wasn’t a chance on Earth of us rescuing our broken relationship in any form. In the end I decided that it was best to keep it myself. After all, the love Ollie claimed he felt for me was probably just part of the cruel game he’d played with me in that foyer. Our friendship wasn’t just gone; it was decomposing.
“You need to stop this. You’re paranoid, insecure, and I have no idea why! Jared, I left my life, education, and family here to be with you. When is it going to be enough? When are you going to trust me and realize that I chose you? That I
choose
you.”
A low growl echoed in my ear. “It’s not you that I don’t trust, Layla, it’s him! There’s no way he could possibly hate you. It’s
impossible
to hate you! No matter what you think, he’d take his chance with you in a heartbeat, and I know you still have feelings for him. Who knows, you may take that chance, too.”
I snorted a laugh. “You are such a child! Grow up, Jared. You know, for a guy with so much responsibility, stature, and intelligence, sometimes you are completely irrational. So what if he does love me? Does that mean he gets me? I can’t tell you that I feel nothing at all for him. We were friends before anything else, and I will probably always care about him. But
he
isn’t what will tear us apart. You are; you and your insecurities. God, it’s infuriating and exhausting!”
Snapping back at me, I could hear the fear in his voice, “I can’t lose you again!”
I was speechless. So this was what it all came down to? His fear of losing me? I was beginning to wonder if there was anything, any force on Earth that would reassure him. But was this really his fault? I broke his heart more than once and gave him numerous reasons not to trust me. Based on the way I felt just having Ollie near me, touching me, and teasing me, I wasn’t sure I trusted myself either.
“Layla, when you left me, I was broken. You knocked the air from my lungs and tore my heart out. I’d never felt pain like it before. I’d never fallen in love before. I thought I would never see you, touch you, or be near you again. When you turned up in New York, I couldn’t believe it. It was like everything just made sense in my world again. For the first time in weeks, I could breathe again. I wasn’t numb anymore. Watching you leave almost ripped me in two, and I never want feel that way ever again. I can’t lose you to him. Not again.”
I opened my mouth to speak but words failed me. He may have given the persona of a man with his shit together but deep down, Jared was just another guy in love. He was in love with me. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and sighed.
“I’m sorry, Jared. What I did to you, to us, was awful. I know this apology comes way too late, but I am sorry. But you have to understand that I want to be with you. I promise you have nothing to be worried about. I’m leaving here in four days and meeting you in Europe. Do you think maybe we can hold the crazy till then?”
He gave a small chuckle. “Only thing crazy around here is how I feel about you. I’ll feel better when you’re here in Paris. I miss you. God, I’m beginning to sound like a love sick shmuk.”
Now I was laughing. “Yes you do. But I like you that way. I should go. It must be pretty late there.”
“It is, but I always have time for you.”
Saying our goodbyes, we hung up, and I couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling that had settled in my stomach. It was happening all over again. I was keeping secrets. Jared’s constant spying and unwavering possessiveness was becoming very overplayed. He may have been missing me, but the main reason he wanted me in Paris was so that he could know where I was and who I was with all the time. It almost felt as though I was being stalked. I was tired of it and tired of fighting. It seemed if we weren’t in the throes of passion, we were in the throes of another major argument. The biggest problem was that I felt that one or both of us was always giving in too easily just to make it stop. Each of us was so frightened of making the other unhappy that we were afraid to stand our ground. Making Jared unhappy would have serious consequences for my body once he got a hold of it. Jared had a habit of punishing me with sex, and I had a habit of enjoying it. I sometimes wondered if I riled him up deliberately for that very reason.
It was pretty obvious that the only reason Jared was letting things go was because he was scared I’d run off or leave him. For someone who claimed to love me so much, he had very little faith in me. I’d never met a man with such a contradicting personality! It was as though he could be two completely separate people.
Grabbing a pillow from beside me, I held it over my face and growled loudly in frustration. When did being in a relationship become so hard? Was it like this for everyone? I didn’t remember it being so tough with Josh or Ollie. Maybe it was something about the two of us that just didn’t bond well. Too stubborn maybe? I had so many questions and so few answers these days that it was making my head spin all over again.
Reaching for the remote, I flicked mindlessly through the channels in hopes of taking my mind off of my weird, wonderful, and infuriating relationship. I was just about to give up hope when I found a mind-numbing talk show,
Delilah’s Daily Chat
. Apparently the topic today was women who like to be controlled. I snorted a laugh as one woman began to explain how she enjoyed being told what to do as it meant she didn’t have to think for herself for a change. She was a doctor by day and a slave by night. And when I say slave, I mean it. The woman would spend her evenings on all fours serving her husband. She was a surgeon for heaven’s sake; have a little dignity woman. I was beginning to grow tired of the whole thing till they brought out a psychiatrist. She was very sympathetic and understanding of the people on the stage, and I wondered if she was thinking what I was. Door mats.
“It’s a difficult thing to admit that you enjoy being controlled. These women here are extreme cases, Delilah. However, all over the country there are women in these kinds of relationships, and they don’t even know it. The main thing is that they first admit that they get some kind of enjoyment from it. It’s more than just a submissive and dominating thing. It’s the small things he does that make you sigh.”
“These women think he is possessive because he must be ‘so in love’ or ‘so afraid that he is going to lose me.’ Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. There’s usually something deep inside that they haven’t yet discovered or come to terms with. Something from their past or childhood, perhaps.”
Sitting bolt upright, I stared at the TV. Therapy! Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? I called myself a psych student? Jared Garrett was damaged. My poor, handsome, charismatic, and delicious mess of a man was in pain. He just didn’t know he was. His possessive and controlling streak couldn’t possibly just be caused by his business and his relationship with me. I mean he was always the jealous type right from the moment we met. He was always calling the shots, dictating our every move, and I was happy to be that way. I came back to him, didn’t I?
No, this ran deeper than he and I or our relationship. Jared had been through a lot in his twenty-three years, and I could guarantee he was definitely the kind of man that was too proud to seek help.
Forming a plan in my mind, I made a decision. Jared needed help and I was going to make sure he got it. It wasn’t like he didn’t have the finances to get it either. I had to do something because if we carried on the way we were, I was going to go nuts.
* * * *
“Hello? Layla?”
Waving her hand in front of my face, Mel grunted. “Jeeze, girl. Have you listened to a word I said?”
Shaking my head, I gave her an apologetic smile. “Sorry. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
She rolled her big green eyes and groaned. “All love sick for the master and commander, huh?”
I shook my head again. “Do you think I’m a doormat?”
Amy almost choked on her drink. “What?”
Placing my own glass down on the table, I quickly scanned the area to make sure we weren’t over-heard. It was getting busy in Benny’s, and the risk of seeing someone I knew was growing.
“You know what I mean. Do you think I let Jared control me?”
Mel bit her bottom lip, and I knew she was trying to hide what she really thought. I’d known her all of my life and if I could count on just one person to give me honesty, it was Melanie.
“Out with it, Mel,” I demanded.
Taking a deep breath, she turned toward me and sighed. “Yes. You do. There, I said it. Ever since you met him you have let him get away with pushing you around, telling you what to do, where to go, and who with. It’s been driving me crazy! It’s like I don’t even know who you are when you’re with him.”
Slumping into her seat, she looked as though an enormous weight had been lifted. I shot Amy an inquisitive look.
“Well, sweetie, it’s not that he controls you, it’s more like you just kind of … give him whatever he wants. I know you love him and we totally support your decision, but I just think you need to let him know that you’re a strong and independent woman.”
I stared at them both in horror. How could they have let me go on like this for so long? How long had they been thinking those things and not telling me!?
“Don’t give me that look, Jennings. You totally know I’m right. I mean, you had a great life here at college, and you left because he was going to Europe. If he really loved you and really wanted what’s best, he’d have stayed. I think he needs putting in his place. He’s so full of himself. He’s used to getting everything he wants, and you totally fulfill that role. Tell me, when was the last time you made a decision for yourself?”
I snorted a laugh and scowled at her. “In New York. Jared asked me not to go out alone there as it was too dangerous, but I went sightseeing anyway.”
Mel nodded as Amy watched us with an uncomfortable look on her face.
“Uh huh. And I bet he was sooo forgiving when he found out. I bet he was totally supportive of your right to freedom?”
I wanted to snap back at her with a short and sarcastic answer, but damn it, she was right. Staring at my glass, I furrowed my brow.
“See. I knew it. Urgh, and you think I’m the crazy one.”
Was I really so easy? How could I not have seen it all? They painted a very bad picture of Jared, and I knew they were wrong. He was sweet, romantic, and charming, too. He could make me feel like the most important person in the room with a single glance. His body made me tremble and weaken when it was merely in my proximity. Surely, I wasn’t imagining that.