Burned (5 page)

Without giving him time to respond, I scooped up the bag I’d dropped and walked jauntily out of the changing rooms—which turned out to be a major challenge on shaking legs.

Only when I was safely out of the building and on the street did I allow myself to react.

I leaned against the wall for support and closed my eyes.

* * *

‘You kissed him?’ Hayley handed me a large glass of wine. ‘You were going to ignore him and somehow ended up kissing him? How did that happen?’

‘Turns out I have no willpower. And it was a bit more than kissing.’

My sister was sprawled on the floor surrounded by papers. She’d been working all day and a light glowed on her laptop.

It was Saturday night and for the first time in ages we weren’t going out.

We’d ordered pizza and eaten it out of the box, slice by glorious slice, wearing our PJs, because if you couldn’t be bothered to use plates, you certainly couldn’t be bothered to get dressed.

‘So how was it?’ Hayley sipped her wine. ‘Pretty boring and disappointing, right?’ My silence must have answered her question, because she leaned across and filled my wineglass to the brim. ‘You know your problem, don’t you?’

‘You don’t need to list my problems. Brian already did that. It’s a good job we broke up or my birthday gift from him would have been cake decorating classes.’

‘Forget Brian. He didn’t like the real you and every woman deserves a man who loves her the way she is.’ She looked at me and I knew she was thinking about Mum. Dad had known exactly what he wanted in a woman. Mum wasn’t it, but he’d married her anyway and tried to mould her into the person he wanted her to be. By the time he decided to upgrade, Mum was so misshapen she’d lost her real self under the fake version.

‘We don’t always get what we deserve,’ I reminded Hayley darkly, and her cheeks dimpled into a wicked smile.

‘I’m getting what I deserve. Several times a night.’

‘Thanks. I really needed to hear that.’

But I was pleased for her because she didn’t find this dating thing easy either.

Hayley was an engineer and men always found her job threatening. Apart from Nico. He was the first man she’d met who understood what she did. He found it cool that she knew her atoms from her assholes. In fact, they’d finally got it together at the wedding of the biggest asshole of them all—her ex.

‘Sounds as if you just got what you deserved, too. You just need more of it. I’m planning your birthday, by the way.’

I felt a rush of warmth and love for my sister.

Hayley always organized my birthday parties. Not at the beginning, of course. To begin with we’d left it up to Mum and Dad because we’d been naive enough to think parties were their domain. That all changed on my ninth birthday. Some kids had entertainers—we had our parents. Dad hurled one of my presents at Mum (it was Cheerleader Barbie) and gave her a black eye. I think my friends thought they were watching a juggling act until Mum picked up the knife she’d put ready to cut my cake. After that it got a bit real.

From then on Hayley had taken over. Usually she talked a friend into holding it at their house so there was less chance of parental embarrassment. And most of our friends’ parents felt so sorry for us they were happy to co-operate. We were ‘those poor Miller sisters.’ We were talked about in hushed voices with much pursing of lips and barely concealed sympathy. We were fed extra cakes and sugary treats as if an excess of chocolate frosting and blocked arteries might somehow compensate for the fact we were emotionally starved.

They felt sorry for us, but in some ways we felt lucky.

We had each other and we shared a bond none of our friends had with their siblings.

In fact, it was my parents who were responsible for me taking up karate. When they finally decided to part, they were determined to split everything evenly down the middle. Mum got the bed, so Dad took the sofa. She had the cat; he took the dog. It worked so neatly they decided to do the same with the kids. She was going to have Hayley and I was going with Dad. We didn’t much care which parent we lived with but there was no way they were splitting us up. I won’t bore you with the details but let’s just say they didn’t try that again.

But I’d taken up karate just in case.

I looked at my sister. My family. ‘What I really want for my birthday is a decent sex life.’

‘Oh no!’ She pretended to look alarmed. ‘That means I’ll have to cancel those cake decorating classes I booked for you.’

‘You’re not funny.’ But I was laughing because the idea of my sister booking me cake decorating classes was hilarious. Not that I’m a bad cook, but you won’t find me twirling cute patterns on the tops of cupcakes.

She closed the pizza box. ‘Think of all those lovely comforting carbs you’d bring home every week. And you wouldn’t want to eat them, which would mean all the more for me.’

‘And then I’d make you work them off in the gym. You were about to tell me what my problem is.’ I executed a perfect roundhouse kick, which probably would have looked scary had I not been wearing my cute bunny pyjamas. I missed my sister’s head by the width of a pizza crust but she’d lived with me for too long to bother ducking. ‘What’s my problem?’

‘Apart from your congenital need to kick me in the head from time to time? Hunter was your first lover. You built him up into this godlike figure and you’ve compared every man to him ever since.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘It is. The two of you were really close. When he walked away from you, he tore you in two and you never even had a chance to yell at him, because he was gone. It’s hardly surprising you’re still churned up inside. You have so much unfinished business. And you haven’t allowed any of us to mention his name for the past five years. In your head he’s still the perfect man.’

That got my attention. ‘He is so
not
the perfect man. That isn’t why I hate talking about him.’

‘I know. You’re embarrassed because you think you were needy, but part of that was because you’re romantic. You always were.’

I thought about what had just happened in the changing rooms.

I could have described it in many different ways, but the word
romantic
wouldn’t have been anywhere in the description.

‘You shouldn’t feel bad about it.’ My sister’s voice was soft. ‘Mum and Dad were behaving like idiots, but Hunter was always there. It’s not surprising you latched on to him.’

‘Please don’t remind me.’

‘That’s all in the past. Answer me one question.’ Hayley pushed the empty pizza box away with her foot. ‘Who is the best sex you ever had?’

‘My vibrator.’ I said it flippantly but she carried on looking at me as only my sister can and I sighed. ‘Hunter.’

‘Right. You had amazing sex with him and you haven’t had amazing sex since.’

I chewed my lip. I decided not to admit that tonight had been pretty amazing. ‘And?’

‘And you should have sex with him again. This time you’ve shaken off all the emotional baggage. It would be fun and you’d save a fortune on batteries.’

‘No way. He’s my boss.’ Just thinking about working with him every day made me want to order another pizza. Ten inches—and yes, I’m still talking about the pizza—with extra cheese. And I’m not generally big on comfort eating. ‘I wouldn’t have sex with my boss.’ Except that I already had, sort of.

Crap.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to use the changing rooms again.

Facing him on Monday was going to be a nightmare.

‘I’m not doing this again. Not with Hunter.’

‘Why not? You’re not in love with him anymore. This time around, you can have the fun without any of the Romeo-and-Juliet drama. This time it’s all on your terms. All the sex with none of the heartbreak.’

‘I am not going to have sex with him.’ I told myself what had happened in the changing room didn’t count. ‘No way.’

Hayley picked up the empty pizza box and stood up. ‘Fine. Carry on dating guys like Brian, who isn’t even strong enough to lift the cupcake he wants you to bake.’

‘I don’t judge guys by the size of their biceps.’

‘Neither do I.’

‘Just because you’re having sex with an Italian stallion who has brain
and
biceps, there is no need to be smug.’

‘Do I look smug?’ She smiled smugly. ‘Take control. You’re older. Wiser. You are working with a hot, sexy guy. It’s a shame to waste him.’

‘I’m not interested and neither is he.’

‘You think not?’ Her smile widened. ‘For two people who aren’t interested you generate a
lot
of electricity when you’re in the same room. The two of you could solve the energy crisis with one touch.’

‘I’m prepared to recycle and do my bit to conserve fossil fuels, but I’m not having sex with Hunter.’

CHAPTER FIVE

I tried to ignore him, really I did. I ignored him so hard I walked into walls while trying not to look at him.

I took my classes. I trained. I attended meetings and managed to look focused and professional, which was more than could be said of the rest of the female staff, who spent their time with their noses pressed to the glass windows of whichever space he happened to be working in.

Hunter managed focused and professional, too.

But that’s the funny thing about intense sexual attraction. You can try and ignore it, but it’s still there. You can feel it on your skin. It simmers in the air, wraps itself around you, seeps into your brain and makes concentration difficult. I knew without turning my head when he was in the room, and not just because I couldn’t get any sense out of my female clients.

And he seemed to be avoiding me, too.

Neither of us mentioned what had happened in the changing room that night.

Our interaction was all business. At least, on the outside.

A week after he’d arrived to take control, he pulled us all into the meeting room on the top floor of the building and told us his plans for the business. He talked about his vision. Unfortunately, he did it while wearing a karate suit and everyone else’s vision was focused on his broad, muscular chest rather than his presentation. I kept my eyes on the floor but it didn’t help. I kept remembering how it had felt with his mouth on mine and his fingers deep inside me. That sort of intimacy isn’t easy to forget.

I shifted in my chair and caught his eye.

Shit.

I was glad I wasn’t the one giving the presentation. I would have been stammering and distracted but Hunter didn’t falter.

With the benefit of five years apart and some distance, I could see now why I’d been overwhelmed by him. Dazzled. I didn’t feel like quite so much of a fool for falling for him. He was impressive. Self-assured, confident, self-reliant. All the things I hadn’t been as a teenager. He’d been around at a time of my life when I’d been at my most vulnerable. It was as if something in me had been looking to supplement what was missing, to borrow what I didn’t have myself.

I’d been looking for security, consistency and dependability because I had none of those things at home. Using our parents as an example, Hayley chose to reject everything to do with marriage and settling with one person. She became a lone wolf. But I’d always been more of a pack person and Hunter was a born alpha.

I realized now that as well as friendship and sexual attraction, there had been a lot of other things mixed up in our relationship. I realized we hadn’t really been equals.

Things were different now.

I’d built a life I loved, my sister was my family and we had a great bunch of friends. True, my sex life was mostly battery operated but a girl couldn’t have everything.

‘Are you joining us tonight? Team night out. We’re going to a club.’ Caroline’s mouth gleamed with freshly applied lip gloss. I turned away to avoid the glare, wondering if the extra shine was for Hunter’s benefit.

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Hunter wants us all there. He’s really keen on team building. He wants us to bond.’

He and I had already done more than enough bonding.

I needed to keep my distance.

But Caroline was looking at me curiously and I realized that to not go would draw attention, so I nodded and decided to arrive late and leave early.

Like so many of my plans, that one backfired. Because I’d elected to arrive late, I found myself squashed in a booth, thigh to thigh with Hunter. He’d bought drinks, and everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves.

Everyone except me.

I couldn’t think of anything but his thigh pressed against mine. I tried to ease away but James arrived, even later than me, and sat down on the other side of me, leaving me no choice but to move closer to Hunter.

My thigh was glued to his. I tried to ease it away but there was nowhere to go and I sat there keeping as still as I could, trying not to think about that night in the changing room. I stared at the dance floor and nursed my drink, wondering why on earth I’d agreed to come tonight.

Across from me Caroline stood up. ‘Let’s all dance.’

That sounded like a good idea but it turned out it wasn’t. Dancing with Hunter, even in a group, did nothing to cool me down. I was so busy trying not to touch him I was barely moving. I was wearing my favourite red dress, which was actually little more than a stretchy tube. I loved it because it meant I could dance without fear of exposing myself, but tonight I wasn’t testing its capabilities. The floor was crowded and someone bumped into me, sending me slamming into him.

I felt his hands close over my arms, steadying me, and I shut my eyes. I decided right there and then that there was only so much torture a girl could take.

Muttering excuses, I plowed my way through the seething mass of gyrating bodies and out into the street. I crossed the road to the embankment and hung over the wall, looking at the river. Lights sparkled on the surface of the water. I wondered whether jumping in would cool me off.

‘Are you all right?’ His voice came from behind me and I breathed deeply, knowing I couldn’t show him how I felt. Not this time.

‘Just needed some air. Go back inside.’

But he didn’t. Instead he stood next to me and stared at the river. ‘I didn’t know you worked for Fit and Physical until I took over the company and saw the staff list. I’ve made things difficult for you.’

‘No, you haven’t. It’s no problem.’

‘I enter a room, you leave it. When we’re sitting next to each other, you stare straight ahead. We haven’t talked about what happened.’ His arm brushed against mine. He turned his head to look at me. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be.’ I gave him my most sophisticated woman-of-the-world smile. ‘You gave me a great start to the weekend. You’re good. You always were.’

He didn’t smile back. ‘I’m not talking about the sex.’

‘Oh.’

‘You must hate me for what I did.’

Was that what he thought? I didn’t know whether to laugh or be relieved he hadn’t guessed the truth. If I hated anyone, it was myself.

‘I don’t hate you.’

A muscle flickered in his jaw. ‘I walked out.’

‘I don’t blame you for doing it.’

‘You didn’t look pleased to see me the other night.’

‘I was having a difficult evening. It was pretty frustrating that you just happened to show up when I was being dumped.’

‘You shouldn’t have been with him in the first place.’ His voice was husky and sexy and I turned away to look across the water, hoping he couldn’t see the burn in my cheeks.

‘Look, what happened between us—that’s the past. I don’t blame you for any of it. I was a mess.’ When he didn’t respond, I turned my head and saw the shock in his eyes. ‘What? Do you think I’m so lacking in self-insight I didn’t know that? Hunter, I was terrible. Frankly, I don’t know how you put up with me as long as you did. I was a nightmare. I can’t even bear to think about it, because it embarrasses me so much.’ Although it made me cringe to admit it, I actually felt better having said it. ‘I’m the one who owes you an apology. I was like a piece of bindweed. I was a limpet and you were my rock.’

He breathed deeply and then lifted his hand and brushed his fingers over my cheek. ‘You were adorable.’

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t not respond to his touch. My stomach curled and knotted. ‘I was needy, clingy and far too serious.’

He curved his hand round the nape of my neck, his thumb still on my cheek. ‘I was afraid I couldn’t live up to your expectations. I was afraid of letting you down. And I did.’

‘We both know you did me a favour,’ I muttered, ‘even though your method was a bit brutal.’ The most brutal thing had been accepting he hadn’t loved me, but I wasn’t going to say that. ‘Forget it.’

‘It was the hardest thing I ever did.’

I wasn’t sure if knowing that made me feel better or worse. ‘It’s in the past.’

‘Is it? Hayley didn’t make it sound that way.’

‘Hayley got a little carried away. She’s my sister.’

‘Whenever I thought of you, which was often,’ he said softly, ‘I knew you’d be all right because you had her.’

I wanted to touch him so badly. To make sure I didn’t, I dug my nails in my palms. Then I put my hands behind my back. My chest thrust forward and I saw his eyes drop to my breasts.

For a moment neither of us moved.

I knew he was thinking about what had happened in the changing room. So was I.

‘Do you know what I wish?’ I spoke softly. ‘I wish we’d just met tonight for the first time.’

‘And if we had?’ His eyes held mine, slumberous and dark. ‘What would you have done?’

‘I would have asked you to dance.’

‘Maybe I would have asked you first.’

‘You wouldn’t have noticed me in that crowd.’

There was a long silence. His gaze dropped to my mouth and lingered there. ‘I would have noticed you, Ninja.’

We stood there, wrapped in the past and the smells of the city, bathed in the glow that was London at night.

I felt as if my skin were on fire. I was burning.

‘Hunter—’

‘Was it true what she said?’

We both spoke at the same time and I laughed nervously. ‘Was what true?’

‘Hayley said you hadn’t been involved with another man since me.’

I shrugged. ‘No, that’s not true. But I learned not to take relationships so seriously. I went out. I had fun.’

‘With guys like Brian who wanted you to join a book group and take up baking?’

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. Brian was so obviously wrong for me it wasn’t even worth defending myself and Hunter smiled, too, a smile of breathtaking charm, and in that moment I realized that no matter how much time had passed, nothing could dampen the attraction between us. It was off the charts. I’d never had this level of sexual chemistry with anyone, but I knew now it was my problem.

‘We’d better go back inside.’ I stepped away from him. ‘You’re supposed to be team building.’

This time around, I was in control of my emotions. My feelings were my problem, not his. It was up to me to handle them. To accept the truth.

He’d been the right guy at the wrong time and I’d always regret that, but it was something I had to learn to deal with.