Nisha looked oot the windae. ‘It’s rainin. Chuckin it doon. Don’t want tae go oot in that.’
‘Naw.’
‘Fancy watchin a video?’
The rest of the weekend Nisha and me saw each other all the time. Wan day went tae hers then the next up ma bit. Ah even took her round tae ma granny’s. It was great. It didnae even dawn on me that Charlene never phoned. And it took ma mind off the way things were at hame between ma ma and ma da.
AT FIRST AH
thought ah hadnae heard right.
‘Celibate, Jimmy?’
‘Aye, you know, well … no daein it for a while.’
‘Ah know whit celibate means, Jimmy, ah’m no daft, ah just don’t unnerstaund. Whit’s gaun on? Is there somebody else?’
‘Of course there isnae.’
‘It’s that Barbara, isn’t it?’
‘Liz, you know there’s never been embdy but you, you know that.’
‘Well, things have no exactly been normal the past few month.’
He wis sittin in the big chair under the standard lamp, and the light shinin on his face made the lines stand oot harshly.
‘It wis efter John’s party, ah got tae thinkin aboot givin things up. Ah felt that ashamed.’ He spoke slowly as if he wis thinkin it oot as he wis speakin, starin intae the distance. ‘And since then ah’ve been tryin. Nae drinkin, nae eatin meat. And wee things too – wan thing each day, know, just daft stuff. Say ah feel like a Kit-Kat wi ma tea but don’t have wan or ah get a good tip fur a horse but never pit the line on, and, you know, ah feel as if ah’m makin some kindy progress.’
‘Progress?’
‘Aye, you know, controllin ma desires.’
‘And whit aboot ma desires, Jimmy?’
He never answered, just sat there lookin stupit. Ah felt the anger rise in me. Ah was tryin tae be patient and listen tae him, but when he got thon look in his eye, he just went on his ain sweet way, payin nae heed tae anybody else. And the way he wis talkin as if this was all new, like he’d personally invented it. Whit the hell did he think Lent wis fur?
‘Whit aboot me, Jimmy? Whit if ah don’t want tae control ma desires? Whit then?’
He looked at me as if ah was speakin a foreign language.
‘Ah’m sorry, Liz, ah feel this is really important tae me, ah wis talkin tae the Rinpoche aboot it and he said…’
‘Jimmy, ah don’t gie a flyin fuck whit the Rinpoche thinks aboot it.’
‘Liz …’ He put his haund on ma airm. Ah don’t know if it wis me swearin or the idea that no everybody thinks the lamas have a monopoly on the truth that shocked him maist.
‘Ah need a fag.’ Ah opened the drawer where ah keep a pack a ten just in case ma mammy runs out.
‘But you haveny smoked for years.’
‘If you don’t count the wan ah took aff your Agnes at Denise’s weddin three year ago, yeah, you’re right.’
‘Well, you don’t want tae start noo.’
Ah put the fag in ma mooth, struck a match and lit it.
‘Naw, Jimmy, ah don’t want tae start smokin again, you are so right. But ah’m gonnae. And if you don’t want tae gie in tae your desires as you put it, that’s fine – you go ahead and be celibate.’
Ah sooked in the smoke.
‘But you’d better think long and hard aboot the consequences. Because ah have no intentions of followin your example.’
Big words. Ah might have had nae intentions a followin his example, but, well, if yer man doesnae want tae dae it, you don’t have a whole lot of choice. You can hardly force him.
At the time, of course, ah never thought he’d keep it up. Bad joke. If there’s wan thing ah thought ah’d learned in therteen years merriet tae Jimmy it’s that nothin lasts. He’ll be rampagin roond the hoose aboot sumpn wan minute then he’s forgotten all aboot it the next. And aw his big schemes fur gaun hang-glidin or bungee jumpin, we’ve been through that a million times. He’ll talk talk talk aboot it fur days then suddenly he’s ontae sumpn different. Ah’d been amazed that this Buddhism cairry-on had lasted mair’n a fortnight in the first place. But celibacy – no way. Ah wis giein it a week at the maist. The first night he came hame feelin a wee bit thon way, well, ah’d know, and mibbe ah’d curl roond his back when he gets intae bed and start strokin him in wanny the right places and we’d be back tae normal.
But a week went by and then two and nothin happened. And that wisnae normal for us. Ah don’t know whit normal is, it’s no sumpn ah’ve ever talked aboot (and ah don’t believe
aw that stuff in the magazines) but we were always good thegither, we’ve always fancied each ither. And it’s never been weeks wioot sumpn happenin.
It’s funny, ah’d never even thought aboot it afore, why would ah? It’s like turnin on the tap fur water – you never think aboot it till it’s no there. It had never crossed ma mind whit it would be like no tae dae it. Ah startit tae feel a bit raw, jaggy roond the edges.
So wan Friday night ah packed Anne Marie aff tae stay the night at her granny’s. Jimmy wis due in a bit later cos he’d a job on in Paisley and they wanted it finished up for the weekend, so ah’d plenty time tae get organised. Ah set the table wi candles and a vase a freesia – ah love the smell of them. Ah really enjoyed takin ma time, gettin masel in the mood; ah ran a bath wi Fenjal in it and lay in it for ages, then ah shaved ma legs and smoothed on body lotion so’s ma skin wis nice and saft. Then ah pulled oot the sexy undies fae the back of the drawer; ah don’t get dressed up in them every week but every noo and again it kind of spices things up a bit, you should see Jimmy’s face. Anyway, by the time he was hame, whit wi no havin done it for a few weeks, ah’m well ready.
Ah thought he’d notice right away, ah don’t usually pit on a short skirt and full warpaint just for wer tea on a Friday night. But he just looked at the flooers on the table and the candles and said, ‘That’s nice, hen. Have ah got time for a shower afore ma tea? Ah feel clingin – it wis roastin in that van.’
‘Aye, on you go.’
After his shower he came in and sat doon at the table.
‘Want a drink?’
‘Ah’ll have an orange juice.’
‘Are you no wantin a beer or sumpn? Ah’m havin a gin and tonic.’
‘No thanks, hen.’
He looked at me, then at the candles and flooers.
‘Have ah forgot sumpn? Ah know it’s no oor anniversary.’
‘No,’ ah said.
‘Thank God for that.’
‘Ah just thought it wid be nice tae spend some time thegither, make it a bit special. We’ve no had much chance tae talk lately.’
‘Ah know, it’s been a bit mental, wi this job in Paisley and preparin for the lama’s visit tae the Centre.’
Ah decided tae move in for the kill afore he started on aboot lamas, so ah went and sat doon on his knee. Ah pit ma airms roond his neck and licked his ear lobe, then moved doon the back of his neck. Usually that’s all ah have tae dae tae get him movin but the night it didnae seem tae dae the trick.
‘Jimmy,’ ah breathed intae his ear, ‘come on, ah’m dyin for it.’ He likes a bit of dirty talk but ah’m too embarrassed tae say much, that was a lot for me. Ah took his haund and placed it on ma leg under ma skirt.
Nothin. Well, no nothin exactly, ah knew sumpn was stirrin but he was hell bent on ignorin it.
He took his haund away, quite gently, and said,
‘Liz, don’t dae this.’
‘Whit’s wrang, Jimmy?’
‘There’s nothin wrang, hen, it’s just, ah’ve tellt you, ah want tae be celibate for a while.’
Ah stood up. Ah could feel ma legs shakin. Ah went tae the drawer and got oot ma fags, pit wan in ma mooth while ah wis talkin.
‘A while?’
‘Ah don’t know how long it’s gonnae be. Ah’m on a journey and ah don’t know where ah’m gaun.’
Ah sooked in the smoke and blew it oot through ma nose; that aye seems tae gie mair effect.
‘Zat right?’
Sarcasm is wasted on Jimmy these days.
‘Ah need mair clarity, tae see things in a different way. Mibbe then we might be able tae, you know …’
‘If ah have tae wait tae you get mair clarity afore we have it aff ah’ll be deid.’
‘Liz, don’t.’
‘Of course, that’ll be OK, ah mean yous Buddhists believe in reincarnation, don’t yous? Mibbe we could have sex in wer next lifetime.’
Ah almost asked him tae leave efter that. Ah felt that humiliated, staundin there all dolled up in the gear, practically beggin him and him turnin me doon. But, you know, when you’ve been thegither for a long time, it’s such a huge thing tae split up. And every marriage has its ups and doons – ah kept thinkin it wis just a phase we were gaun through and he’d come tae his senses wanny these days.
And there was that much happenin ah suppose it was too much hassle tae think aboot anythin but gettin through the week. We’d been dead busy at work, phone never seemed tae stop ringin. And they’d taken on this new lassie, Nikki; she was nice and quite willin and all that but ah needed tae train her up a bit, show her where everythin was and that took up some of ma time. Then Mammy was worse. She’s never really been right since the spring. The doctors don’t know exactly what’s wrang wi her but she’s no got
the energy she used tae have and ah’m worried she’s no eatin properly. Ah’m round there nearly every night just for a wee while either afore or efter tea, and by the time ah’ve done that and tidied up a bit it’s hauf-eight and ah’m exhausted, just want tae curl up in fronty some rubbish on the TV and go tae ma bed.
I’m feelin guilty aboot Anne Marie too. Ah know ah should spend mair time wi her; she’s growin up that quick the now. And Jimmy’s either workin or oot at that Centre hauf the time, he’s no payin her much attention. Ah need tae get started on the Christmas shoppin too – there’s only four weeks tae go and ah’m usually haufway through it by this time. But ah’m just that knackered ah cannae think straight.
Tricia and me had arranged tae meet for lunch on her day aff. We usually go Christmas shoppin thegether, make a day of it, but ah didnae have time this year. Ah suppose ah could of taken a day’s holiday but ah couldnae really be bothered spendin the whole day trailin round the shops. They’re open that late nooadays ah can go in efter work or take Anne Marie in on a Saturday. But ah didnae want Tricia tae think ah was avoidin her efter thon cairry-on between Jimmy and John. The two of them made it up a couple a week efterwards – it’s a bit difficult no speakin when you’re workin thegether – but there’s always been a wee edge tae Tricia, ah think she took it harder than John did actually. Ah know it shouldnae make any difference between me and her but you cannae be too sure aboot these things.
We met in a Greek place round the corner fae the office; Tricia arrived five minutes efter me, trachled wi parcels.
‘The town was murder, but that’s me finished.’
‘Ah’ve hardly started this year.’
‘Ah’ve a couple a wee stockin fillers tae get for the weans but that’s all the big stuff. Ah sent for a few things oot the catalogue as well.’
‘Ah think ah’ll take Anne Marie intae town on Saturday. If we go in early it shouldnae be too bad. Or mibbe we’ll go tae Braehead. Take the motor.’
‘We went there last Saturday and it was a nightmare. Couldnae get parked – ah’ve never known it like that afore. John had tae drap me off at Marks’s and park the car away ower the other side. You’d be better takin Jimmy wi you if you’re gaun or else you’ll have tae walk miles.’
The waitress had appeared at the table. ‘Would you like to order drinks?’
‘Ah’ll have a mineral water, please.’
‘An Appletize for me.’
‘You ready tae order, Trish?’
‘Ah think so. Ah’ll have the soup and moussaka, please.’
‘Can ah have prawns tae start and moussaka as well. Thanks.’
‘It’s nice here, isn’t it?’
‘Aye. Busy, though. Glad we booked.’
‘John and me came for a meal here last Saturday. We should all come here wan night, the four of us.’
‘Aye, we should.’
‘Havenae seen as much of each other as we used tae.’
‘Naw, we’ve no been oot much at all.’
‘Well, we should book somethin durin the Christmas holidays.’
‘Aye, afore the work starts back.’
‘Ah’ll need tae make the maist of ma freedom while it
lasts.’ She was smilin. ‘Liz, ah cannae keep it a secret any longer – ah’m expectin again.’
‘Tricia – congratulations!’
Ah felt as if somebody’d punched me and knocked ma breath away. Ma face was smilin but inside there was this horrible sour feelin.
‘When’s the baby due?’
‘Seventh of June.’
‘This is a surprise. Didnae know you were plannin another wan. Or was this John’s fortieth birthday present?’ Tricia’s auldest is fourteen and her youngest’s ten. Ah always assumed she didnae want any mair.
‘Ah’ve always wanted another. Efter Drew wis born ah thought ah’d have a wee break, then ah started workin and … you know how it is, you kind of put it aff.’
‘Aye.’
The wumman put the drinks on the table. Tricia took a sip of hers, then looked at me, speakin quietly, though there was naebody close by.
‘Actually we started tryin again a couple of year ago. When ah hit thirty-five ah thought ah’d better get on wi it, know, then nothin happened and nothin happened and tae be honest ah’d kind of given up, thought that was it.’
Ah nodded. Tricia went on talkin, every noo and then stoppin tae take a sip of her drink.
‘Ah was a bit disappointed; ah mean, ah fell pregnant dead easy the other times. Then ah got talkin tae wanny the doctors at the practice, she’s expectin hersel, and she said she’d tried wanny these ovulation kits. Tells you the exact time you’re maist likely tae get pregnant – so ah bought wan, said tae John, get yer act thegether the night … and that was it.’
‘Ah can just imagine John’s face, you sayin get yer kit aff, son, the light’s at green!’
‘As long as there was nae footie on the box that night we were OK.’
‘So how many weeks is that noo?’
‘Thirteen. Ah’ve had a scan already and everythin’s fine so far.’
Ah’d lost ma babies at eight and nine weeks. Ah wondered if Tricia remembered.
‘They offered me tests – there’s a bigger risk a Downs if you’re over thirty-five, but ah don’t want tae take them.’
‘Nae point if you’re no gonnae dae anythin aboot it, is there?’
‘Naw. Ah hope they’ll be able tae tell us the sex at the next scan though.’
‘D’you want tae know afore it’s born?’
‘Aye. Ah’m hopin for a wee lassie. Ah mean ah love ma boys but ah’ve always wanted a lassie. And if ah knew it was gonnae be a girl ah could really enjoy gettin stuff for her; ah actually bought this the day – look.’
She pulled oot a poly bag and brung oot a wee frock; all pink and white frills, lacy white tights tae match.