HE STAYED IN
a flat up Wilton Street, the end nearer Queen Margaret Drive. A lot of the tenements round here have been stone-cleaned and done up, but this hadnae. Weeds filled gaps in the steps leadin up tae a close that smelled of cat pee and there was nae door entry system. Ah climbed tae the tap flair. On the door there was a bit of paper wi five names stuck on it, includin David’s.
Ma stomach was churnin as ah rang the bell. Through the bubble-glass panel in the door ah could see him comin, hear his feet paddin across the flair. When he opened it wi a big smile for me ah couldnae speak for a moment. He’d just washed his hair and it was still damp, curlin round his face, makin him look even younger. He’d on an auld perra jeans and a big baggy shirt, and was in his stockin soles. Ah’d
taken ages tae get ready and felt a bit daft, overdressed in a short skirt and kitten heel shoes.
‘Come on in.’
‘Hi.’
He pulled me towards him and ah smelled his aftershave, that vanilla scent again, though it didnae feel as if he’d shaved, his cheek rough against mines. Ah kind of hauf-kissed him on the cheek. It’s weird, he felt that wee and slight compared wi Jimmy.
‘Come intae the kitchen.’
A huge hall wi loads of doors leadin aff it. Ah followed him intae a big room at the back. Under the windae was a sink and a guddle of dishes waitin tae be dried and in the centre of the room was a wooden table, littered wi papers, hauf-drunk mugs of tea and an ashtray overflowin wi douts. Faint smell a dope in the air. Claes hangin fae the pulley dripped on the flair. Whoever’d done a washin hadnae bothered tae wring them oot properly. Ah listened tae the drip, drip and looked at the puddles buildin up underneath them on a pile of newspapers spread oot, presumably tae catch the watter.
He was watchin me lookin round. Ah haunded him the bottle of wine and he took the wrappin paper aff it.
‘Ah’ll find you a glass. Ah did mean tae clear up a bit but ah thought ah’d better get the dinner on first.’ He pointed tae a big pot on tap of the cooker; the flames of the gas ring, leppin high, a black mark all round the bottom of the pot.
‘Ah’m impressed. What are you makin?’
‘Just a veggie sauce – ah’ll make some pasta tae go wi it.’
‘Are you veggie then?’
‘No me, ah’d gie ma life for a big plate a mince and tatties – it’s just cheaper.’
He lifted two glasses fae the drainin board and put them
on the table. ‘Ah’d dry them but ah don’t think there’s a clean tea towel in the place.’ He opened the bottle of wine and poured it oot.
He raised his glass.
‘Cheers.’
‘Cheers.’
‘Christ, what a useless host. Look, sit doon and ah’ll clear this mess up.’
Ah perched on the edge of a chair while he moved the papers and stuck them in a corner, then started tae wash the cups.
‘Want a haund?’
‘Naw, don’t be daft, you sit there and look gorgeous – ah’ll just be a minute.’
The ashtray was still in the middle of the table. He chucked the ash intae the bin and put it in the washin up bowl alang wi the dishes.
‘Right, ah’ll just gie this table a wipe.’
As he drew closer he kissed me below ma ear, just a soft brush of his lips.
‘You’re lookin awful serious. You OK?’
‘Aye, ah’m fine.’
A big guy wi dyed blonde hair appeared at the door of the kitchen. ‘Dave, I’m off to the pub. Oh, sorry … hi.’
‘Hi,’ ah says.
‘Richard, this is Liz.’
He waved. ‘Hi, Liz. Didn’t realise you had company. You coming to the pub with us?’
‘Quiet night in.’
‘Nice. Maybe see you later. Steve been in yet?’
‘No idea.’
‘OK. Well, enjoy yourselves. Bye.’
‘Bye.’
‘That your flatmate then?’
‘One of them. Steve’s oot. Susie and Fraser are away for the weekend. Julie lives here in theory but spends that much time round at her boyfriend’s that we don’t see much of her.’
He poured bilin water fae the kettle intae a pot and lit the gas under it. Afore he put the match in the bin he stuck it intae the washin up water; it made a faint noise like a sigh.
‘Tagliatelle or fusilli?’
‘Ah’m no fussy.’
‘Ah know that or you wouldnae be here wi me but what kind of pasta dae you want?’
‘Tagliatelle, please.’
‘Refill?’
‘Thanks.’
Ah hadnae realised ah was drinkin it that quickly. Better slow doon or ah’d be pissed afore the food was ready. Ah took a sip, put ma glass doon on the table next tae his, which was still nearly full. He chucked haundfuls of pasta in the pan. ‘Ten minutes and we can eat. Hungry?’
‘Aye.’
‘Me too.’
He came tae the back of ma chair and put his airms round me, startin tae kiss the back of ma neck, soft wee kisses that found their way round ma hairline behind ma ears. And the feelin started gradually, just a warmth tinglin round ma neck and ma shoulders, then all of a sudden it was fierce and stabbin. Ah stood up and faced him, then wer airms were round each other and we were kissin, tongues in each others mooths and hauf way doon wer throats, could hardly breathe. Ma haunds were under his jumper, grabbin at the
flesh, ma nails scrapin his back and his breath was gettin faster, then he pushed me away.
‘No here – no on the flair this time,’ and he led me through intae his room, onto his bed. And ah thought, if ah thought anythin at all, that it would be like the last time, hard and sharp and fast, but efter the first few moments when we were grabbin at each other and pullin aff claes, once he got inside me, suddenly it slowed doon; the jaggy edges blurred and a haze of feelin washed ower me. Ah opened ma mouth tae speak but no sound came oot, just breaths comin and goin like waves, like a big ocean, a giant pulse. It was like when you’re exhausted and floatin aff intae sleep – but ah wasnae sleepin, felt as if ah knew everything that was happenin, everythin he was daein, but fae a different perspective, as though ah was him inside me, inside ma ain body. Then it stopped, and ah was just there, quiet inside and oot, as if ah’d been wrapped in cotton wool and laid oot on a cloud.
Ah don’t know how long we lay there in silence, side by side. Only a few minutes likely, but it seemed ages. Then he rolled over and kissed ma mouth.
‘You OK?’
‘Ah don’t think that’s quite the right word. Ah think ah just died and went tae Heaven.’
‘First time ah’ve been mistaken for an angel.’
‘Must be cause you washed thon halo of yours.’ Ah ran ma fingers through his hair, which was dry now, soft and fine.
‘That’s it. And ah polished ma wings too. Christ …’
‘What?’
‘The pasta’ll have boiled dry.’
‘Fuck the pasta.’
‘No ma type, tagliatelle. Now if you’d picked fusilli …’
The fuzzy feelin disappeared as fast as it had come and
ah could feel the energy rise in me. ‘Ah’m starvin. Come on – up.’
‘Again? God you’re insatiable, woman.’
‘Just hungry – for food.’
‘OK, ah’m on the case. Intae that kitchen.’
When ah was about tae leave, David said, ‘When d’you want tae meet? Whit aboot the morra night or is that too soon for your amazin social diary?’
‘Ah don’t really like tae be oot two nights in a row … need tae spend some time wi Anne Marie.’
‘Is she no oot clubbin oan a Saturday night these days?’
‘She’s only twelve.’
‘Twelve? Ma wee cousin’s twelve and you should see her … dyed hair, pierced belly button, goes oot hauf naked. She’s got a better social life than me.’
‘Anne Marie’s no that kind of twelve, though she is growin up fast right enough. It’ll no be long afore all ah’ll be daein on Saturday nights is ferryin her aboot.’
‘Still that’s wan benefit of havin yer weans young though, isn’t it? You’re still young enough tae enjoy yersel when they’ve grown up.’
‘Suppose so. Never really though of it that way.’
‘Anyway, let’s make a date … fancy gaun tae the pictures on Tuesday?’
‘The pictures?’
‘D’you no like the pictures?’
‘Ah love the pictures, it’s just …’
‘Ah get it, you cannae bear the thought of keepin yer haunds aff ma body for that long … you are insatiable, woman.’ He put his airms round me and started kissin ma neck. ‘Thank God.’
He stopped. ‘But it doesnae have tae be either or – we could go tae the pictures
and
you could come back here for a night of wild passion as well.’
‘It’s no that, David. Look, ah’ve no told Anne Marie yet. And if somebody seen us at the pictures thegether, well.’
‘Oh, well, that’s me then … have tae gie up a date at the GFT for a furtive night of fumblin aboot in the sack wi you. What a drag. But there you go. Right. Whit time’s this night of passion then?’
‘Ah’ll phone you. OK?’
It’s funny how you just get used tae things, patterns form afore you know it. That first night at David’s seemed dead strange but efter a few weeks it felt natural to be there. Ah’d go round tae his hoose on a Friday night while Jimmy and Anne Marie watched a video thegether; the first week ah said ah was seein Nikki and efter that it was just kind of assumed. Naebody even asked me whit ah was daein.
It’s the details of those first few weeks wi David that keep comin back tae me. His room had a kind of yellowy light; it faced west and the last rays of the sun trailed in through the smeared windae panes. It was strange the way ah never minded the grubbiness of everythin. We’d lie in bed, talkin or no talkin, and ah’d watch the dust lit up in a sunbeam, the tangled-up socks in a corner of the room and just notice the way the colours blended intae each other. At hame ah couldnae of done that, ah’d of been oot ma seat cleanin the place up, but here it was time out. Ah drank tea fae stained mugs and ate ma dinner aff plates wi patterns of fine cracks on them and never said a word.
We spent maist of the time in his room. Just wanted tae keep touchin, feel the closeness; the smell of him. Ah used
tae smell of him efterwards, didnae wash him aff when ah went hame, would wake the next mornin alone in ma ain bed, smellin of him. When ah was wi him ah felt at peace. When we made love, ah felt as if ah was on another planet. It was just, ah don’t know.
We never talked that much in his room, it was as if we didnae need words, just bein thegether, but we’d meet for lunch a couple of times a week and then we couldnae stop talkin – ah’d never talked tae anybody aboot hauf the things ah did wi David. Wan day when ah’d went back tae the office efter bein wi him, Nikki turned tae me and said, ‘It must be love.’
‘What?’
‘You and David. Ah’m no kiddin, you should see your face – it’s aw lit up.’
Ah shook ma heid and opened the folder on ma desk. ‘Away you go.’
Ah’d meant tae tell Anne Marie, ah wanted tae, but somehow ah couldnae. Every time we were thegether, mibbe daein the dishes or watchin the TV, and ah’d be aboot tae speak when sumpn stopped me. Anne Marie seemed that happy the now, gettin on well at school and spendin every spare minute wi Nisha, and ah couldnae bear tae spoil it. Ah knew she was upset aboot her granny but she seemed tae be gettin ower it fine and ah just didnae want tae stir things up. It was if ah’d put David intae a compartment in ma life, shoved him away in a drawer when ah wisnae wi him. Ah kept thinkin that the right time would come and ah’d know when it was.
Ah wisht ah’d somebody tae talk to but only Nikki knew, and she couldnae see whit the problem was.
‘Why don’t you just sit her doon and tell her?’
‘Ah don’t know. Ah’m scared ah’ll upset her.’
‘It’s hardly a big deal these days. Anyway, you and Jimmy have been separated for a while noo …’
‘Four month. It’s no long, Nikki.’
‘Aye, but he left you, didn’t he? Went aff tae stay in that Centre?’
‘Suppose so.’
‘So you’ve a right tae enjoy yersel. Look, Anne Marie’s a big girl noo – sensible too. She’ll probably be glad you’ve got someone else.’
Ah didnae say anythin. The trouble was that Nikki didnae have any weans of her ain so she didnae really unnerstaund. Ah knew whit ah was daein wis wrang, and stupit as well, for it would be a lot worse if she found oot, but ah couldnae help masel. Ah’d nae idea how she’d react, and couldnae bear the thought that she might look at me wi disapproval, contempt even.
But ah couldnae bear tae gie him up either. Ah didnae know whit ah felt for him, if it was love or lust, friendship or whit, but when we were thegether there was a peacefulness ah never felt anywhere else, that seemed tae colour everythin.
But it couldnae go on like this.
‘Liz, when are you gonnae stay here the night insteidy gettin up and goin away hame?’
‘Ah don’t know. Ah thought you’d be glad tae have the bed tae yersel. It’s no exactly built for two.’
‘We could sleep in Fraser and Susie’s bed next weekend, they’ll be away. It’s king-sized. Ah’d even change the sheets for you.’
‘Thanks. What have I done tae deserve this?’
‘So is it a date?’
‘Ah’ll need tae check.’
‘Surely Jimmy would stay ower wi Anne Marie for wan night.’
‘Ah’m sure he would.’
He scratched the back of his neck, frowned. Ah pulled ma top over ma heid.
‘Liz, he does know, doesn’t he?’
‘Naw, no yet.’
‘But Anne Marie does, right?’
Ah shook ma heid.
‘Liz …’
‘Ah’m gonnae tell them, ah just, ah’ve no managed tae find the right moment.’
He turned on his side and faced the wall. ‘Well, when you dae, let me know, will you?’
‘David, don’t be like that. It’s no easy.’
‘It’s no easy for me either. Did that never occur tae you?’
‘How d’you mean?’
‘We never get tae dae anythin thegether.’
‘Ah thought we did plenty.’
‘Ah’m just a sex toy tae you – oh well, should be used tae it by noo. Women are always flingin theirselves on me, efter ma body.’
‘That’s it.’
He sat up and put his airm round me. ‘Liz, ah like you, ah really like you a lot. Ah think we could be good thegether, but ah’m gettin a bit sick of a part-time relationship. Ah want us tae go oot thegether withoot you lookin round tae see who’s watchin us. Ah want tae walk doon a road and put ma airm round you, go tae the movies wi you. Ah want you tae stay the night wi me. Look, ah even want tae meet Anne Marie – she’s your daughter, she’s part of you.’