Broken (The Outsiders Series) (12 page)

12

The days leading up to Christmas are a living hell.
The only thing I do is sleep, work, and finish the project. When I’m not doing that, I’m thinking about Vandelya and how I left her crying in the grass by herself. Or I’m trying to pick a song that matches the two of us. Something about both of those leads me to drinking. And I end up buying beer or liquor from Dane most nights.

But Vandelya
won’t leave me alone. I regret leaving her there. I didn’t help prove that I wasn’t an ass, even if I was trying to prove just that by leaving her alone.

In the end, I was right. I don’t know how to love someone.
But I’ve been giving her the space she wants; I haven’t seen her in a week, and I haven’t even gone to the pond.

I take one last swig of the whiskey that’s been sitting on my coffee table before I head over to Jeb’s. It’s Christmas Eve and he invited me over for dinner – no presents or anything. He said that it would be he and I, that everyone else had plans with their families or something. I agreed and can’t back out now, even if I want to just sit here and drink and sleep.
But I can’t. So I force myself to stand.

After s
tretching for about five minutes, I head into my room to take a shower. The water is warm and it relaxes me some. The amount of whiskey in the bottom of that bottle did nothing for me. I’ll have to get some more after I get back from Jeb’s. But I’m glad that it didn’t get to me, cause I don’t want Jeb to notice that something’s up. I wouldn’t want him to get worried about me.

But most of all, I don’t want him to keep giving me those looks that he keeps giving me. It’s like he knows that I’m worse off, that I’m more broken than ever. I mean, I am. I’ve got friends that like me cause they don’t really know me. I’ve got Vandelya that doesn’t like me for whatever reason. And I’ve got a mom back home that knows everything and can’t love me.

But I’ve got to stop thinking about this. So I get out of the shower and throw on some nice clothes. I decide to wear a red shirt and some nicer jeans. I throw on my sneakers and walk out the door. It doesn’t take me long to get to Jeb’s huge house, and I smile when I look at all the lights I hung up for him. They’re those big bulbs that remind me of
The Grinch
and the Whos’ lights. But Jeb kept it classy by only getting the white ones. They frame the wrap-around porch and windows. And they even hang from the roof and small balcony that’s right off the hall upstairs.

I walk up slowly, trying to take the time to ease my nerves. I haven’t been over here for a meal, which just consists of Jeb asking me all kinds of questions, since that first time. I’ve been able to avoid most of his questio
ns by focusing on my work, but there’s no way I can do that now. So the only thing I can do is keep the truth hidden from him. And I’ve been doing it for so long, that it can’t be that hard.

I ring on the doorbell and wait for Jeb to answer. When he does, I come face-to-face with a hideous Christmas sweater and a Santa hat. Jeb laughs at my face and pulls me in the door.

“I’m glad you showed up when you did, Carter. I just got done talking about you, son. And now,” he starts.

“Wait a minute,” I interrupt. “Who are you talking to, Mr. Mason. I thought it was just me.”

He laughs again. “I had a few last minute attendees tonight.”

I swallow nervously. Who could it be? And when I walk into the large formal dining room, I’m in for the biggest shock of my entire life. Because, when Mr. Mason introduces me as the boy he’s been helping out, I know that the people around the table have heard the truth about who I am and where I’m from.

And when I stare into the shocked eyes of Vandelya, Lane, and Mrs. Prescott, I have to force myself not to run away. Instead, I nod formally and sit down in the empty seat on the kid’s end.

“Carter?” Lane asks from across the table. “Did he just tell us the truth?”

Of course he did. Jeb is a huge blabbermouth. I didn’t care when he told everyone else’s stories, but this time he told mine.

All I can do is nod.

Lane reaches across the table and pulls my hand in hers. “I told you all about my family, Carter. You should have known that you could tell me the truth about yours, honey. I’m sorry that you didn’t think that you could have.” Well, at least
she
isn’t mad.

I smile and pull my hand away from her. I sneak a glance at Vandelya, who’s to my right, next to her mother. Jeb is at the head of the table, between Mrs. Tucker and Mrs. Prescott. And I’m out here alone on this weird dinner-journey.

“So,” Mrs. Tucker says a second later. I snap my head up to look at her, because I know she’s talking to me. “Why did you choose Mason, Carter?”

I shrug. “The cab driver was being kind of inappropriate with me and I asked her to just stop. She pulled to the side of the road and let me off.”

The two women suck in large gulps of air, and Lane presses her hand over her mouth. Vandelya doesn’t do anything at all.

“That must have been terrible for you,” Mrs. Prescott adds.

“It’s not the first time I’ve witnessed something horrible. And it won’t be the last either, so it’s all right ma’am.”

She just shakes her head. “No one your age should have to deal with what you’ve dealt with, Carter.”

“I guess I was just dealt those cards.”

“It’s not fate,” Mrs. Tucker says gently. “Fate doesn’t play a role in these things, darling.”

I look down at the table. “We don’t know that,” I counter.

Jeb slams his fist on the table lightly. “Now Carter, you aren’t the only one with problems in this room. Don’t blame this on fate
, son.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumble. Then I shake my head quickly. I can’t feel sorry for myself.
Not right now, not on Christmas, and not in front of Lane and Vandelya. And I can’t be a jerk to Mrs. Tucker. Not after she helped me tie the bowtie. Not after she told me about her son, Vandelya’s brother. Not after she told me the truth.

Instead, I stand up. “I’m sorry,” I repeat louder.
“I’m sorry for lying to both of you. I’m sorry for being ashamed of who I am and what I’ve been through, because I know that both of you have been through a ton of crap too. I’m just sorry for everything. And I’m sorry for taking my pain out on you. I’m sorry for being impatient and rude. I’m sorry for ruining this holiday dinner.” I look around the table, taking in their faces.

They’re all quiet. Some of them look at me with pity. Others nod in understanding. Vandelya does nothing again. And it hurts.

And when I sit back down, Lane is next to me.

“Carter, we don’t care about all of that. You could be somewhere else, hurting still. Now you’re here and you’re happy about it. You’ve got friends and people that care about you now.” She starts to rub my back, right near my shoulders, and I relax some.

“Lane, honey, why don’t you come back and sit. Let’s let Carter breathe some,” Mrs. Prescott says sweetly. I give her a smile in thanks, and she nods back to me.

The first course comes out before anyone figures out what to say next, and we’re halfway through the delicious mushroom cream soup before anyone starts. This time, it’s Vandelya’s mom, and she says the first good thing.

“Vani, why don’t you tell everyone about the boy you’ve been telling me about? Let’s start talking about something new.”

Vandelya blushes and she mumbles something even I can’t here.

Lane leans forward, intrigued. “Who is it?” she breathes.

Vandelya shakes her head. I can see that she’s grabbing onto her jeans right now. She’s silently freaking out, probably about what Lane could tell Anne Marie tomorrow. And then there’s me.

“Why don’t you tell ‘em, honey?” Jeb pushes her.

I put my spoon down and rest my chin on my fist while I look at her and smile. “I think we’d all like to know about him,” I whisper so that only she can hear me.

And that does it. She shoots up. Her hands grip the table for a second, and then she’s walking away from me – all over again. And, as usual, I get up to follow her. I can feel the awkward glances and confusion behind me. It won’t take them long to figure it out. I’m sure Jeb will clue them all in.

She’s halfway up the stairs before I reach her. I grab her arm again, and this time she stops me from holding on to her. This time, she slaps me. And it’s hard, so hard that I take a step back.

She half turns, ready to just walk away, but she turns around. Tears are already filling up her eyes. “You lied to me this whole time, Carter.” Her voice is small, smaller than it’s ever been. And I can see it now. I’m breaking her heart, and seeing that is worse than letting her break mine.

But she doesn’t stop there. No, she’s still going. “And you want me to trust you, to let you in? You haven’t let any of us in. None of us know
s who you really are, no one except Jeb.” She wipes away her tears and takes a step toward me. I step back, letting her have her distance.

“And you have the nerve to tell me that you want to help me? To stop people from hurting me, Carter? You’re the one that’s hurting me. You hurt me over and over again.
You keep pushing me to be with you. I keep telling you that I can’t, that I won’t, and you don’t listen to me. And here you are again, following me, hoping that this little confrontation is going to make me realize that you are the one I want. But how can you expect me to love you, Carter? You don’t love yourself enough to be who you truly are.”

I stop, frozen by her words. And the
y crash into me with a strength greater than any punch I’ve ever taken. She’s right.

She knows that she’s hurt me, because she stops too.
She opens her mouth, and I can tell that she’s about to apologize to me. But when I shake my head, she closes her mouth and swallows. We stand there, silence consuming everything but our thoughts. She has stopped crying now, and the only visible sign of her anger is the rapid rise and fall of her chest.

“Vani, I…” I start to say.

“Don’t you
ever
call me that, Carter. Don’t you ever call me that again,” she says. Then, she turns around and walks back upstairs.

I notice that everyone else is there after her door slams. I just stand there, empty and colder than usual.
Lane and her mom are holding hands. Jeb’s arms are crossed and he’s got this look of sadness and disappointment shining in his grey eyes. Mrs. Tucker is the only one that moves toward me, and she’s doing it slowly. It’s like she thinks I’m going to break. She bites her lower lip, and it reminds me of Vandelya so much that I actually burst into tears.

“Oh Carter,” Mrs. Tucker whispers as she pulls me into a hug. She holds me there, rocking me back and forth while she whispers sweet things into my ear.

When I finish embarrassing myself, she pulls away but keeps her hands on my shoulders. “Vani and I have been alone for two years. Her brother, she loved him so much. When the accident happened, she was devastated. The crash happened too soon for her.” Mrs. Tucker wipes away her tears and pulls her arms away so that she can wrap them around herself. “Her father passed away when she was fourteen. It was a DUI, and he took the life of a young boy.”

Jeb walks up and puts his arms around
Mrs. Tucker. “Lynn, there’s no need to get into this now.”

Mrs. Tucker shakes her head. “He needs to know,” she says. Then, she looks back at me. “Carter, that little boy’s name was the same as yours, and he was,” she starts to say the next part, but she can’t finish because she’
s really crying. I watch helplessly as Jeb starts to rock her back and forth, back and forth real slow.

I look over at Lane and Mrs. Prescott. They’re both crying silent tears. Then, Lane steps up and puts her hand on my arm. “Carter was Colton’s little brother,” she says softly. “Both Colton and Carter were in the car, along with their parents, but Carter was the only one that didn’t survive the accident.” That’s why Vandelya was
being bullied by Anne Marie. And it didn’t have anything to do with Anne Marie – that bitch. And Vandelya couldn’t stand to be around me because of my name and what it reminded her of. No wonder why she said my name like that, like it was something special, something worth holding on to, something that she couldn’t hold on to – and it was me.

13

I worked with Jeb for the rest of the holiday week. I took down his lights, helped with Christmas day dinner – which was just us two – and
did the usual yard work. It kind of felt like a lot of busy work, like mowing the yard twice a week and tilling to soil in the gardens even though I’ve done it a thousand times. I could tell that he just wanted to have a reason to pay me. And I wanted a reason to be around his house more. I wanted to see Vani again. And yes, I couldn’t stop calling her Vani after I said it that first time.

It was weird to me, how in one month I went from a
total liar-douche to a completely honest one. And once again, I couldn’t help thinking about how I didn’t know how to love someone. Love wasn’t simple or easy; it wasn’t something you could Google – cause I tried that. And I just couldn’t figure the whole thing out. Mrs. Marshall made it sound so easy. Find the person that makes you whole. I did that. But what do you do when you royally screw that up? And what do you do when you have no one to talk to about the whole thing? And worst of all, what do you do to get over the one you love?

Yes, I was ho
pelessly in love with Vani. It was a totally screwed up love, but it was love anyway. A broken love, because I wasn’t whole at all. My mom and Jack made sure that happened. And even though they weren’t there to ruin my childhood innocence, their spirits were guiding me. I could feel their shadows pressing on my shoulders.

The day before school started, I was sitting at home on the computer. I finally figured it all out. I had the song, the PowerPoint, and the rest of my presentation ready. The only thing I needed was confidence. And a friend to make sure it was good enough.

And Lane was the person I chose as that friend. She stopped by to visit me a few times after the huge fight and confession. In fact, she came over and threw away my empty and full bottles of alcohol. She cleaned up my messed up apartment so that it didn’t look like crap any longer. And she washed my laundry.

“You know, Carter, I feel like your wife. If Vani doesn’t ever take you, I’ll marr
y you,” she said one of the times she came over.

That was when I laughed and told her about the presentation I was doing. She liked the idea and wanted to see it when I finished it.
I promised she would be the first one to see it.

And w
hen I finish, I run down to the office and ask Dane if I can borrow his phone for a second. He tells me I can, and I run outside. I pull out the piece of paper with Lane’s number on it and dial it. When she answers, I tell her to come over, and she practically runs down the stairs while she’s saying bye. Then, I return the phone to Dane and head back upstairs, where I pace until Lane knocks on the front door. I stand there, unsure of what I’m doing, insecure about really letting her in.

“I know you’re on the other side o
f the door, Carter. Come on. She’s gonna love it and so will I.”

I open the door after a second and let her inside.

She walks in and sits on the couch, ready for me to show her what I’ve done. And when I do, she cries. She laughs afterwards and makes fun of herself for crying, but the one thing that matters is that she loved it.

“Carter,” she says a little while later, “she’s lucky, you know. She doesn’t really know it, and I’m sure she’s scared of you, but I can tell that you care.”

I shrug and continue eating my sandwich.

“What’s wrong?” she asks me.

I bite the inside of my cheek, thinking.

“Carter, you can tell me anything.”

I look up at Lane. I can trust her with this. I sigh, but push through. If I wait another second, I’ll probably chicken out. “I don’t know how to love someone,” I say quickly, so that maybe she won’t have time to laugh at me.

She doesn’t. “Carter, I don’t think anyone knows how to love someone the first time. And it must be hard for you especially. You can’t really copy someone. But I think that it’s different each time. You’ve been fighting for Vani. She said it Christmas Eve, right in front of everyone. If that’s not love, Carter, I don’t know what is.”

“Maybe it was too much.”

She shakes her head. “If I learned anything from my parents, it’s that love makes you do crazy things
. Like, cheat on your wife. Or chase after someone. Hey, Edward Cullen stalked Bella, and she fell head over heels in love with him. You’ve got to open up to her. You have to show her who you really are, Carter. Insecurities are a part of that.”

I sigh but nod to show her that I understand.

“And Carter,” she says.

I look up to see that she’s standing to leave. We do have school tomorrow, so I shouldn’t have expected her to stay.

“Don’t give up on the presentation tomorrow. And don’t give up on her. She’s in love with you too, Carter. She’s just too scared to feel it right now. Don’t you worry about her. She won’t let you crash and burn. I promise you that.”

I smile – kind of – and walk her to the door. Tomorrow’s the biggest day of my life so far. This is what I was meant to do. I know it.

---

The next day, I walk through my first three classes like a zombie. Lane and I sit away from the other guys
at lunch, and they don’t seem to mind too much. Ryan tries to come up and talk to me, but he just doesn’t understand what Lane and I do: Anne Marie is a total waste of popularity. And her social circle just fell from seven to five. The odds are already better than they were before. And I’m still working on bringing her down. Vani’s just more important right now.

When English rolls around, I’m freaking out. Lane is hiding in the boy’s bathroom with me, just so she can calm me down. Because I have no idea what I’m doing right now. Plus, she has to help me get what I need, and the kid said he’d meet us in the boy’s bathroom. So, here we are, waiting and freaking out and calming down and doing it all over again.

The door opens two minutes before the bell rings. The kid walks in with the case and hands it to Lane, who leaves me so that she can make the trade. The kid takes her necklace as a pawn and walks out.

“He says that it has to be in perfect condition. Or no trade-backs, Carter. My mom gave me that. Be careful. Okay?”

I nod and take the case from her. “Thank you, Lane. You’re turning out to be my best friend here at Mason County High.”

She smiles and stands on her toes to kiss my cheek. “Carter, you really are a good guy. You need to believe in yourself more. Now go get that girl.”

I watch her walk out and wait a few moments before following her. The last thing I need is a new rumor.

I make it to Mr. Preston’s when the bell rings. The kids file out, talking about their breaks and all the new things they got. Mr. Preston comes out to prop the door open, and whistles when he sees what I’ve got.

“I suggest that you go first, Carter. That way, we can set that in the back of the room. We don’t want it to cause distractions.”

“I was about to ask you that, sir.”

He points behind his desk, telling me to put the case back there. When I’m done, I go and sit in my seat. I watch as everyone files in, everyone but Vani. Nervously, I watch the clock while Mr. Preston opens class with a short writing piece and the introduction to our presentations. He’s almost finished when the door opens.

Principal Wiggins walks in. Behind him, follows Vani with her books pressed to her chest like they’re the only things keeping her together. She sits down, and I watch as Principal Wiggins whispers something to Mr. Preston before leaving. I guess that Vani tried to get out of English.

As soon as he leaves, Mr. Preston calls me up to present.

Whispers flow around the room as they all remember that Vani was my partner. I pop in the PowerPoint and start with the basics. I tell them the facts, show the video clips, and the newspaper story about her father. I show them a picture of the sign. Then, there’s a picture that I got from Lane, a pi
cture of Anne Marie shoving the onions in Vani’s locker with a big smile on her face. The caption under it is: Why does Anne Marie need to get rid of these??

When the PowerPoint is done, Anne Marie is fuming, and people are starting to whisper. I ask them to hold on while I get the other thing I need, and they all lean back to wait. When I pull out the guitar, a ton of girls squeal. Vani’s eyes grow large in surprise, and she bites her lower lip.

“One thing you didn’t know about me,” I say before plucking the strings to make sure it’s in key. “I learned to play guitar because it was the only thing I could do to block out the screaming and fighting. I had to borrow this one because mine is back home with my mom.” They all think I’m talking to them, but I’m only staring into Vani’s green eyes. I turn to face the rest of them after I’m finished talking to her.

“I have two songs to play today. One is a song I wrote
. And the other is the song that Vani and I chose as ours. I’ll play ours first.” And I start playing the song that was always meant to be ours:
Somewhere Only We Know
by Keane.

When it’s over, Vani has silent tears running down her face. Everyone claps but I hear nothing at all. I almost stop. I almost back out of the other song, but I look up and see Lane’s face pressed up against the small window of the classroom door. She gives me a thumbs up and runs away.

I swallow and lick my lips before speaking again. “This next song is the one I wrote for this presentation. I don’t want to tell you the title until it’s over. So, you can try to figure it out on your own until then.” I pull in a deep breath and look around the room before I start strumming. Suddenly, there are twenty laughing faces and they’re all pointing fingers at me. I know it’s in my mind but my palms are still sweating. My heart is still racing. And I have to force myself to play the first note. But when I do, everything around me disappears, and I feel free and whole.

As I sing, I feel the perspective in the room change. I’m no longer this two-dimensional mystery. I’m real, someone worth looking at, someone worth more than the rumors and sideways glares. And it’s because they can see me. For the first time in my life, I’m vulnerable. I’m crossing the lines I built. And it’s all for Vani. And she’s there, watching me with this small, amused smile. Her green eyes are bright. And when I start the chorus, I watch her pull in a small breath before the tears fall down her flushed cheeks. In this moment, she is perfect. In this moment, she is flawless.

When I finish the song, the whole class claps for me. Guys are cheering and girls are wiping away their tears. A few of them have decided that they love me – I can hear their whispered conversations up here. But I don’t care about them anymore. Vani is the only one I’m looking at. And after a few moments, everyone else is watching her too.

She swallows and looks down at her lap while she wipes away the last of her tears. I watch as she takes a deep breath before standing up and walking away. She’s actually
walking away from me right now!

For some reason, I stand up and rest the guitar on the edge of Mr. Preston’s desk. I stand there, watching her go.
And I’ll have to go with her, because I can’t sit in here and shatter in front of them. Not in front of Anne Marie and Ryan.

But she stops when her hand touches the metal doorknob.
My heart starts racing with hope. She stands there, breathing and thinking. And then, all at once, she turns around and rushes toward me. And it happens so fast, that I don’t know what’s going on until she’s in my arms. Her arms are wrapped around my waist, and she’s pulling on my shirt while she cries. I just hold her there, in front of everyone in that class.

“Why don’t you two go outside, Mr. Daniels.” Mr. Preston has his hand on my back, and he’s whispering in my ear now.

I nod and step forward with Vani. She walks with me and we make it out of the door easily. When we’re in the hallway, she pulls back and wipes the makeup off her face.

“I’m probably a mess,” she complains.

I shake my head. “You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?” I ask.

She stops and just stares at me. “Carter,” she starts.

I shush her and push her hair behind her ears before holding her face in my hands. “I understand why you ran from me, Vani. I get all of it. I wasn’t being me. I didn’t know how to be with you. I didn’t know how to be myself. And it should’ve been you that I told the truth to. But I was afraid that you would hate me. I was afraid that you would think I was a coward. And I couldn’t take the risk. I couldn’t jump for you, Vani. But I should have. I should have because you’re everything to me.”

Her bottom lip quivers and I press my thumb against it to stop the movement. She looks up at me. “When I first met you, I thought you were sent to break me,” she whispers as more tears fall. “It took me too long to find out that you weren’t.” She looks down, pulling away from my eyes. But I move my hand so that I lift her chin.
Her eyes soon follow, back up to mine.

“I was the one that was wrong. I was so afraid of everything. I was afraid of being with you, afraid of being without you, and afraid of falling for you. And I let my past – and all of my shadows – get in the way of everything important. Pushing you was wrong of me to do, Vani.”