Authors: Mari Beck
“Oh, Doreen. Please don’t cry. I know that you mean well but I can’t stay. I wish I could explain why but I can’t. I have to go home. There are people depending on me there too.”
“I just hate to see him here all alone again.”
“I don’t want that either but we’ve come to a point where he doesn’t want me here anymore. And. . .I can’t stay.”
“If he told you that, he’s a liar. He must be trying to protect you from something. Maybe whatever it is that’s hurting him.”
“I think so too. But the fact is that I’ve been here longer than I planned. I was only supposed to be here a few weeks and it turned into a couple of months. I have to get back to my own life.”
“Don’t you want Riley to be part of that life?” Doreen asked and Brenda had to stop and think.
Of course I do.
“It’s complicated.” Brenda replied hoping Doreen would take that as an acceptable answer.
“Life always is. But I’d hate to see you both do something you’ll always regret. He needs you, honey. I think you need him.”
Brenda gave Doreen a big hug.
“Thank you for everything, Doreen. You made my time here in Bess so special.” The older woman began to cry again. “Send us a postcard from Tennessee, okay? And don’t be a stranger, you’ve still got family here.”
“I’ll remember.” Brenda said squeezing her hand one last time. Taking a deep breath,
she let go of Doreen’s hand and turned to leave.
She could see Louis was still standing by his truck.
As she walked down the stairs and down the driveway she could tell that he winked at her.
She waved back and then saw Doreen make her way over to Louis.
They stood there together and watched Brenda get into her car.
They waved as she pulled out and drove onto the gravel road that led away from Bess and away from Riley Favreau.
Brenda struggled on the wobbling ladder as she carried up the string of Christmas lights and clips.
The biting cold numbed her hands but angry determination and the promise she had made pushed her onward.
She could barely breath when she thought of the moment she’d found Taylor crying in his room that afternoon.
When she’d gone to him in an effort to comfort him, thinking that he was upset about something as predictable as a toy or some silly argument with his brother she had been stunned by what the problem turned out to be.
“Mommy,” he wailed as she held him, “ how will Santa find us?”
“The same way he found us last year at Grandma Marlene’s.” She answered holding him.
“Uncle Mark put up Grandma’s lights. But he’s not here Mommy so we won’t have lights!”
Taylor sobbed, his small heart breaking.
“What do you mean, honey?”
“Daddy put up lights so Santa could find us. But Daddy’s in heaven. He can’t. Uncle Mark’s not here either.”
Bren’s heart had broken so many times over, she could hardly imagine it happening any more harshly and yet, as she looked into her son’s tear streaked face, his sweet brown eyes, Shane’s eyes, she could almost hear the break.
“Taylor, honey, we’re going to have lights.
I promise.”
“Who’s going to do it? Daddy can’t!” he sobbed
“Mommy.” She promised and Taylor stopped crying for a moment.
“H-How?”
“I don’t know exactly. . .but I promise that I’ll get them up so Santa can find us, okay?”
“You promise?” he asked expectantly.
She put a hand across her heart.
“Yes, I promise.”
“Okay.” He answered tearfully wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve.
“Now, why don’t you get ready to go with Callan to Eli and Ben’s house, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Okay.” she said and kissed him gently on the head.
As he wiped his eyes and went searching for his big brother, Brenda wondered exactly how she was going to keep her promise.
There were lots of promises in the
last few months that had been broken and she didn’t plan on adding to that list.
She intended to keep this one.
After she’d driven the boys to a friend’s house to hang out and play, she dragged herself to the garage and started searching for the familiar red and green tubs with Shane’s handwriting on them.
She swallowed hard as she went to open them knowing that the last time the contents had been surveyed and touched Shane had still been alive.
It floored her how much life had changed in such a short time.
Here she was about to undertake a task that would serve as one more confirmation of the fact that Shane was really gone.
An hour later, Bren was still trying to figure out exactly how to balance the lights and clips when help found her.
“Looks like you could use another hand.” A deep, familiar voice called up.
Bren hardly realized that someone was talking to her.
She was still struggling with the lights.
“Oh!” she said almost losing her balance as her eyes fell on the face of Riley Favreau.
“Whoa! I got you.” He said as he steadied the ladder.
“Didn’t mean to distract you.”
“Riley?” She hesitated overcome by the shock of seeing him. He was the last person she ever expected to see standing in her driveway.
“I was on my way to knock on your front door but it looked like you could use some help.”
“Yes.” She said unsure of where to begin a conversation with him. Should she pick up where they left off? At the precise moment she discovered him kissing his pregnant ex-fiancée on the steps of her farmhouse? Or maybe she should just pretend nothing had happened. Of course they could talk about how she had lied to him the entire time he’d known her, about who she really was and what she wanted from him.
“Are you trying to put up Christmas lights?” He asked interrupting her thoughts.
“Trying but failing miserably.” She said finally deciding that neutrality was just as good as any other idea she could come up with at the moment.
“I see.”
“Is it really that obvious?” she asked looking at the mess she’d made out of the cords in her hands.
Riley shrugged.
“I’ve never had to do this before.” She explained.
“I couldn’t tell.” He said, his tone slightly teasing.
“I’ve never been in charge of lights before.”
“Oh.” He whispered and she wondered if Riley was starting to piece her together her lies.
“Yeah.”
“So why are you doing it right now, in the dark?” She hesitated. What would he say when she also told him she had two sons? Almost 3 months had passed since the day she left Bess. What did telling truth matter now?
“It’s my son, Taylor.
I found him crying in his room today.
He doesn’t think Santa will be able to find us here.
His father used to tell him that the lights helped Santa find the houses, sorta of the way a plane finds a runaway.”
Riley was quiet. He seemed to be taking in the information. Would he ask why she didn’t tell him that she had a child? Children? She’d left that part out when telling him a small part of her secret.
“Didn’t Santa visit last year?” he asked. Was he going to pretend he hadn’t heard what she said?
“Of course.
But we were at my mother’s and my brother Mark put up the lights.
He would do it for me if I didn’t live almost 200 miles away.”
“I’d be glad to help you.” Riley offered.
“You don’t have to do that really.”
Why are you here? How did you find me?
“Let me help you.
You’re half frozen already, so why don’t you let me get up on the ladder?”
Brenda bit her lip to keep the tears away.
She hated that this was so awkward and that she had to ask for help, but she could sure use it.
“Okay.” She agreed and climbed down.
After about 30 minutes, Brenda’s spirits began to lift a little.
The old house was starting to shine and look festive.
After another 40 minutes Riley finally climbed down to take a look.
“Doesn’t look too bad.” He said.
“No, it actually looks pretty great.” She said
“I think it’s good that you did this for Taylor.” He said.
“I didn’t really end up doing it, though.”
“You had it mostly figured out before I got here.” He said politely. Brenda looked over at him and raised an eyebrow.
He glanced over at her and grinned.
“Okay, no, you really didn’t have any idea what you were doing.” He said laughing a little.
Brenda smiled and shook her head.
“No I didn’t.”
“Your boy gone somewhere?” He asked.
“My
boys.
” There she’d said it. She’d told him a little bit more. “They’re over at a friend’s house.
One of the nurses at the assisted living community where I work, actually.
Karen Ernstmeier.
She has two boys too.
Eli is about Callan’s age and Ben is two years older than Taylor but they manage to have fun together.”
“That’s good.” He said, his tone calm and even. He didn’t seem the least bit shocked by what she was saying.
“Yeah.” She agreed and they didn’t say anything for a long while.
“Well, I’d better get this ladder back in the garage for you.”
“Sure.
I’ll open it up for you.”
She said and went inside. She knew she should invite him in but things between them were still uncertain and tense.
After the ladder was put away and the rest of the lights and clips had been stored back in their tub,
Brenda went back outside.
She smiled as she saw the lights glowing.
Taylor had his Christmas lights.
She sighed and she tried to hold back the flood of Christmas memories that threatened to spill out.
It would be their first Christmas without Shane, she was reminded by the stab of pain that sliced into her.
She handed Riley a steaming cup of hot chocolate she’d made to reward his hard work.
They both stood in the driveway looking up at the lights sipping from their cups.
“This is good hot chocolate, Brenda.” Riley said using her actual name for the first time since they’d met back in Bess. Her heart started to pound in her ears. He had used her
name
. Her
actual
name!
“I’m glad you like it.
Thanks for your help.” She said and took a hard sip from her own cup, letting the hot liquid burn away the lump in her throat.
“How did you find me?” She asked breaking the silence. He sighed.
“I admit I had to ask someone for a favor.”
“Louis?” She asked and he smiled.
“You sort of gave him your information and he sort of let me have it. Please don’t be mad at him.”
“I’m not.” She said wrapping her arms around herself to keep the cold out.
“So you know who I am?” Brenda asked afraid to make eye contact, afraid what accusations she might find there, even after all this time.
“It seemed only fair since you knew who I was, don’t you think?”
“Let me explain. . .” Brenda started but he interrupted her.
“Don’t. Louis already did and it was hard enough the first time.”
“What did he tell you?” She had to know what Louis had said because she knew that it was only part of the truth.
“He. . .he said you wanted to find me, to thank me for trying to save your. . .your husband.” He exhaled as if it gave him relief to say the words.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you when I had the chance, Riley.”
“I don’t know that I would have listened even if you had.” He admitted and Brenda knew from how he’d reacted to anyone who had asked about his service or what had happened that it was true.
“Why did Louis tell you at all?”
“I needed to know and after thinking it over he told me what he knew.”
“Did he come with you?”
“No. I came by myself.”
“But how?”
“A Greyhound and two taxis.”
“Where are you staying?”
“A little motel off the highway.” He answered and she smiled not wanting to seem as interested in the details as she really was. She was thankful when he changed the subject.
“It’s almost as cold here as it is back home.” He said as they looked at the twinkling lights hanging from
the roof.
“Almost, but not quite.” She laughed and suddenly, she was very aware that he was staring at her.
“I sure missed that laugh.” She heard him say so low it was almost a whisper.
“Why don’t we go inside?” She offered, changing the subject. Brenda wasn’t ready to go back down that road just yet.
“I don’t know. Are you sure I wouldn’t be interrupting your family time? The boys. . .” He paused looking uncertain.” The boys don’t know who I am do they?”
“Callan and Taylor aren’t back yet. But you’re right they don’t know who you are. I mean-they know there was a soldier that. . .” It was her turn to pause unsure of how to get the words out. “A soldier that tried to save their dad but they don’t know it was you.” Brenda wasn’t quite able to look at him as she said it all. There was silence for a few moments.
“Please come in, Riley. I want you to meet them.”
“Brenda. . .”
“They have a right to know who was with Shane when he. . .when he died.”
“But I already told you that I don’t really remember what happened. If they ask. . .”