Authors: Monica Alexander
I recapped my earlier conversation with Chase f
or her to which she sighed and exerted the appropriate amount of exasperation toward my callous brother.
“Em, just let it go,” she said, sounding tired all of a sudden
.
“
It’s not a big deal if people don’t like you.”
“It is to me,” I insisted. “I was voted “Nicest” in the senior superlatives. Apparently people liked me back in high school. What changed? Have I changed? Do I need to know something?”
“Em, all you need to know if that I love you, and your friends love you. Who cares what everyone else thinks.”
“I do!”
“Why?”
I sighed. “I don’t know.”
And I really
I wasn’t sure why I was so hung up on the fact that people I went to high school with had changed their opinion of me.
“Sweetie, you’ve got to develop a thicker skin if you’re going to make it in New York.”
“Ha, ha,” I said, loving the way she strategically plugged New York into our conversation. She had been doing it at least once a week since she’d initially mentioned it, but as long as I was with Ben, New York wasn’t an option for me after graduation. “Seriou
sly though, what have you heard?
I’ll let it go, I just need to know.”
“Em, you’re so sweet and nice and selfless, and that’s why we all love you, but you have sort of had this little habit of discounting people who aren’t like you.
You almost look down on them,
and kind of judge what’s on the surface
,
instead of getting to know the person they really are. So your friends have always adored you, but not everyone else. It’s sort of gotten a little worse since we’ve been in college.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “That sucks,” I said, trusting that Rachel wouldn’t lie to me. “So, I’m a mean girl?”
“Yeah, sort of.”
Shit.
“Why didn’t you tell me?!” I gasped. I couldn’t believe I’d been waltzing through life not knowing I was a total bitch to people. How could I have not seen that? Granted, I’d always been a bitch to Chase and his friends, but I didn’t think that extend
ed
to anyone else.
“You were happy. I didn’t want to burst your bubble. Besides, what does it matter what people you aren’t friends with think
about you
?”
“It matters! I want to work in PR. It’s a big deal if people think I’m elitist and judgmental.”
“If it’s any consolation, you’ve changed a lot this summer. And I think it’s all for the goo
d.”
“But I can’t fix the past, can I?”
“No, but if you focus on just being more open in the future, people will see that you’ve changed. This isn’t the end of the world, you know.”
“I guess,” I said, biting my lip. “But I think I’ve turned into new kind of bitch, and that
might be the end of the world
.”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed, thinking about Ben and what Chase had said about no one knowing I’d kissed Zack. It wasn’t like Rachel would say anything, but once I told her, it would be out there. She hung out with Ben. What if she was drunk and let it slip? No, she wouldn’t do that. Rachel was a good drunk and a great secret keeper.
“I cheated on Ben,” I deadpanned.
“Say what?” she asked, and I could hear her sitting up straighter.
For the first time throughout the whole I conversation, I finally felt like I had her full attention.
“You heard me.”
“Define cheated.”
“I kissed another guy – that really cute guy from the coffeehouse that plays guitar. I told you about him. His name is Zack, and he’s – I don’t know how to describe him. He’s like a conundrum
– he’s a total bad boy on the outside, but he almost hast his really sweet side too
. I don’t know what his deal is, but I can’t stay away from him.” I sighed. “It’s bad.”
Rachel gasped on her end, and I thought it was a strange reaction, but then she didn’t say anything else.
“Rach?”
“Oh, my God!” she squealed, and I was completely thrown off,
because in fifteen years, I do
n’t think I’d ever once heard Rachel squeal. Maybe she was as shocked as I was that I had actually cheated on Ben.
“I know, right,” I said. “So, what should I do?”
“Huh?” Rachel asked
then.
“What?”
“Em, hang on,” she said, and I heard her put the phone down.
All I could hear were muffled sounds and more squealing. I wasn’t sure what was going on. My news wasn’t that big of a deal.
After a few minutes Rachel came back on the line sounding breathless. “Em, let me call you back, okay?”
“Um, okay
, but I’m kind of in a quandary here, and I need by best friend’s sage advice.
”
“Michael’s here,” she said, the glee positively oozing out of her voice. “He just walked in and totally surprised the shit out of me.”
I could hear her projecting that last part
of her statement
to Michael, but it was in a completely endearing way.
She was totally smitten with this guy, and my heart sank just a little. I missed feeling that way about a guy.
“Aww, how cute is he?” I said, forgetting completely about my own personal drama for a minute.
“He’s so freakin’ cute,” she said, and I could tell she wasn’t speaking to me.
I had to assume all her fears that Michael would cheat flew out the window since he was standing in her bedroom.
“Have fun,” I said, deciding to let her go enjoy her time with her new guy. “Call me when you’re sober.”
“I’m not drunk,” she started to say, and then she laughed. “Oh, that’s funny. I totally get it. Love you, babe.”
“Love you too” I said, and I hung up the phone smiling.
At least one of us knew what she wanted.
Two
night
s later
,
I
still couldn’t get Zack out of my head, but I hadn’t seen him since the night we kissed
, so I was stewing
.
Leo
called to see if I wanted to go to
a
party with
him and his sister Reagan,
who was a junior at the University of Georgia and actually a lot like me. I’d hung out with her a few nights that week, and she was a sweet girl, but shy and sort of reserved. I’d liked her instantly.
Feeling a surge of confidence,
I
went out on a limb and asked Leo if Zack would be at the party
. I’d artfully avoided bringing him up the past few nights as my eyes had scanned the parties we’d gone to, looking for him and craving his voice wrapped around the lyrics of my favorite songs, but he had been MIA.
At that point, I didn’t care if
Leo
knew I sort o
f liked Zack, so I just asked. H
e was silent for a few beats, obviously ponderi
ng what my question meant, but
he didn’t pry.
When he
told me Zack
wasn’t going out that night
,
I
decided to
stay home too. I was thinking about curling up with a book and going to bed early.
Even though
I hadn’t done much drinking the past two nights,
since Zack’s words about drowning my sorrows in alcohol were running
around in my mind
mocking me,
I’d still stay
ed out late, so I was tired.
The rain had finally cleared, so I decided to take a walk after dinner.
I put my
ear buds
i
n
, letting
Mat
Kearney
take me away
as I
trudged down the beach, ta
king in the sunset and the cool
n
ight air that was settling in.
I’d gotten a good half mile
from our house before I saw Zack
sitting on the beach
alone
, knees drawn up to his ch
est, staring out at the ocean.
He
didn’t see me, so
I walked the twenty feet or so up to where he was sittin
g and stopped in front of him.
It was a good thirty seconds before he acknowledged my presence.
“Hey,
” he said, pushing his sunglas
ses up to the top of his head as he flashed me a weak smile.
It definitely wasn’t bright enough for sunglasses, but then I realized why he’d been wearing them.
I might have been mistaken, but it
looked like he’d been c
rying. His eyes were red-rimmed, and he looked utterly defeated. Gone was the cocky, confident guy from the party.
“What a
re you doing out here?”
He shrugged. “I just needed to get away.”
He see
med to need to get away a lot.
“What are you doing?”
“Just taking a walk. It’s a nice night.”
He nodded
, but I wasn’t so sure he agreed with me
.
“Do you want some company?”
I asked
, hoping I wasn’t intruding, but I was sure if I was
,
Zack would tell me
.
“Sure,” he said i
n that non-emotional way of his I’d heard a few times when we’d talked.
So
I sat down.
We sat in silence for a few moments, just watch
ing the waves roll in and out. Then
Zack suddenly
changed, and he seemed happy. I
t wa
s as if he’d flipped a switch
and Coffeehouse Guy was back
.
He leaned back on his hands and looked over at me.
“I was wondering when I’d see you again,” he said
, smirking slightly
.
“I’ve been out,” I tease
d, going off of his good mood.
“You haven’t been around.”
“
I haven’t really felt like going out
,” he said
, his eyes drifting to the ocean again
.
I n
odded. “Yeah, Leo
told me.”
Then I decided to
go out on a limb. “
I didn’t really feel like going out tonight, so
I’m glad I ran into you.
”
He raised his pierced
eyebrow.
“Oh yeah?”
“Sure
.
I’ve sort of been thinking about you a bit lately.
”
“All good things?”
“Some good, others not so
–
goo
d,” I said, obviously flirting with him
and surprising myself at my
boldness
.
I sounded like my sister.
“Well, I’d like to hear about those not so good things,” he said, flirting back.
“Maybe.
” I
smiled,
feeling like I was being daring.
“Do those not so good things have anything in common with things your boyfriend wouldn’t want to know about?” he asked, taking our mild flirtation to a le
vel that was full on flirting
– s
omething that
would absolutely piss Ben off
.
“
Yeah, p
robably
,” I said, looking down, and then
up
at him, cracking a coy smile.
“Cool.”
We sat in silence for another few minutes while I wondered what
I could say next to keep up our
flirty conversation
that
I was enjoying so much.
I reached up and lightly fingered his piercing. He watched me, an amused expression on his face.
“You don’t like it do you,” he said.
I shook my head. “No, I do,” I said, biting my lip, as I brought my hand back to my lap. “I’ve just never been attracted to guys with piercings and tattoos before, so I think I’m more surprised at myself than anything else.”
His mouth quirked up into a smirk. “You’re attracted to me,” he said, and it wasn’t a question.
I nodded. “You didn’t have that when we first met. Is it new?”
He shook his head. “No, but my dad hates it, so I take it out when I’m around him.”
I smiled. “I think it looks kind of hot,” I said, surprising myself again.
“Do you want to see something?” he asked
then
.