Breathe (15 page)

“Jasmine, I wouldn’t do that.” She looked concerned. “I just want you to be happy here. I’m sorry you have to go through this. If they’re your real friends, they’ll understand.”

I nodded. “I know, Mom. I’m sorry you came all the way over here. I’m really fine.”

She looked me in the eye again. “No fainting or panic attack?”

Thin ice here. “No fainting. A small amount of panic when I first saw the flyer. Easton helped.” The mom I knew from before Daisy’s murder was showing herself more and more. It was getting tougher to get anything by her.

But she seemed placated. “Good. I’m going to go talk to the office and let them know they are to call me about even the smallest thing, Jas, okay? This is no joke. I’m glad you handled it, but we aren’t taking any chances here, you got me?”

Boy, I don’t think I had gotten three laser stares in one day, ever, but at least we were on the downhill side. “Okay, Mom. I know. I love you.” She gave me a hug, and we walked into the building.

I waited while she spoke to Mrs. Connelly. Then, I got my note for being late and headed to class. I was not looking forward to the rest of my day, but at least I had gotten over the immediate hurdles. The next two were just as daunting: the girls and Easton.

How would I explain this? All of a sudden I was exhausted.

Walking into class late was not exactly helping my situation. I had AP US History with Mrs. Lowe, and of course, when I walked in and gave her my note, everyone stared. I sat down next to Julia as quickly as possible and proceeded to fix my gaze at the front of the class.

After the rumbling settled down and the lecture continued, Julia passed me a note. Here we go. If Julia was mad, the others would be furious. I held my breath and looked down.

Are you okay?

Whew. She didn’t sound mad. I chanced a look at her. She looked concerned, not angry.

I wrote back:
Yes, just a little freaked out and worried, now that everyone knows. Is everyone mad at me for not telling?

I passed it back and waited with my knees bouncing up and down. She wrote back quickly.
Not mad, just worried about you. Who would have done that? Put it all over the school like that?

Okay that’s good. Not mad. At least I’ll have a chance to explain at lunch what is going on. I wrote:
Idk. I really would like a chance to explain myself to you guys. Do you think we could meet somewhere quiet at lunch?

Julia looked like she was thinking. She shoved the paper back over when she had finally written her answer.
How about on the bleachers at the football field? There’s usually no one there at lunch.

What a relief. I nodded at her. I had drawn enough attention today, so I tried to focus on the last bit of class. I hoped my friends would understand why I hadn’t told them about Daisy. I really wanted to make a new start here. It had been going so well. I couldn’t even think about Easton right now. Those compartments were filling up again quickly, but they were there for a reason. Some of them needed to stay locked down tight.

At lunch, I headed over to the bleachers right from class. I couldn’t eat even if I wanted to. My stomach was in knots. I hadn’t seen Easton since he walked away this morning, and for reasons I could only guess, that particular compartment wouldn’t stay locked down. I felt like all my nerves were on the outside of my skin.

I stopped at the bottom of the stairs to the bleachers and prayed. I prayed that my friends would understand why I hadn’t told them about Daisy and my former life. I also asked for the right words to tell them my story.

This is it. No more procrastinating. I made my way up to the bleachers and looked to see if anyone was already there. Mandy and Raquel were sitting at the top, and I saw Julia making her way from the other side. I sat down in front of them, one bleacher down.

“Hey.” I smiled at them. They both started talking at once.

“What’s going on?” Mandy looked concerned

“Are you really that girl in the picture?” Raquel looked irritated.

“You guys, give her a second to catch her breath!” God bless Julia. “Go ahead, Jas. You have the floor.” She glared the other two into silence.

“Thanks so much for meeting me and taking your lunch to do this. I am going to tell you whatever you want to know, but there are two things I want to ask of you. The first one is this: please don’t be upset that I didn’t tell you before. All the attention is a problem for me. I hate it, and it’s part of why we moved. I didn’t tell anyone here, except Easton, and I really didn’t have a choice, which I will explain shortly. Second, please,
please
, do not feel sorry for me or my family. We’re fine. I absolutely hate people feeling sorry for me. It happened. It’s over and we moved here to move on with our lives.” At this point they were all nodding. Good so far.

“Now, having said that, here goes. I’m that girl in the picture. Daisy was my older sister. She was kidnapped and murdered by whom they assume is a serial killer. They have never caught him and they probably won’t, unless he does it again and messes up, because apparently he covered his tracks well, and they have no clue who he is. I only told Easton because he saw me in a situation that led him to ask a bunch of questions I couldn’t answer honestly without telling him who I was. Trust me—I tried to get away with it, and he didn’t let me. So, I know you have questions. Fire away.” I blew my breath out hard and waited.

They all had stunned looks on their faces. I knew they couldn’t decide what to ask first. “What situation did he see you in?” Mandy asked.

“You know that story I told you about running him down in the hallway?” They nodded. “I sort of lied to you all. I am so sorry, but I just wasn’t ready to tell you this part of my life yet. On top of that, it was more embarrassing than I originally told you. Since Daisy’s murder I have had a bit of a problem with panic attacks. Do you guys know what that is?” They nodded again. Should I be worried they weren’t really speaking?

“Certain things set it off. Dark parking lots and hallways are not my friends. When I came out of class that day, it was dark in the hall where my locker was because of the storm, so I was already feeling a little creeped out. Someone put flowers in my locker or bag—I’m not sure which. Daisies and jasmine wrapped in yellow ribbon. I opened my locker and they fell out. All I could think to do was run. So I did, and I ran Easton down.” I looked at them sheepishly. Julia and Mandy kind of chuckled, but looked horrified at the same time.

“Who would do that? Put that in your locker? Is it the guy? You know… him?” Mandy said in an almost whisper.

I shook my head. “No, no. People do all kinds of weird things when they hear about these kinds of stories. Back home, in California, people did weird pranks like that too. But the thing is, there, I was ready for it, you know?” I could tell it was a lot for them to take in.

“So why did Easton ask all those questions?” Julia wanted to know.

“Well, the fact that I acted like a crazy person when I landed on him and was hyperventilating and crying might have clued him in.” It was almost funny now—or it would be if he wasn’t furious with me after my “performance” in the principal’s office.

“Are you kidding? That is embarrassing. I know you said you hate sympathy, but I’m sorry. That is just sad!” Mandy joked.

I laughed. “Oh no, you can feel sorry for me about that. That was awful. So, after he took me to my locker and saw what I lost it about, he knew something was up. He kind of kept after me till I told him.” I wrinkled my nose. “I really felt like a fr-… idiot, then.”

Up until this point, Raquel had not seemed really engaged in the conversation. She was playing with her phone, and I wasn’t even sure she was listening. When she looked up to speak, she appeared irritated. “What did he say when you told him?” Raquel asked.

“He was surprised and remembered me from TV. I wish I had never spoken up in front of the cameras, but he said he was impressed with what I had done and was proud to know me.” I shrugged. I looked away from them and mumbled, “I wish that was still the case.” They all looked surprised.

“What is going on? Is he upset with you?” Mandy asked.

“Uh, yeah. I’m pretty sure it’s over. He’s really angry about something I did this morning, and I can’t and wouldn’t change it so… yeah. That’s my story. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I really didn’t want people looking at me and thinking only about what happened. I wanted you all to know me for me, first. I didn’t know when I was going to tell you, but I would have. It was just nice being me without the baggage for a while, ya know?”

Raquel spoke up. “I’m sorry about your sister and all, but I don’t like being lied to.”

“You’re right. I should have told you the whole story and not just half-truths. A lie is a lie. I’m sorry.”

“Well, it’s not like she didn’t have a reason. I can’t imagine how awful it must be to lose your sister like that. I get why you wouldn’t come out and tell us everything right away.” Julia glared at Raquel. “It’s not like you don’t stretch the truth a bit on a
daily
basis.”

Raquel cracked a smile. “True. All right, you’re forgiven. I guess it makes sense why you did it.”

“Do you really have no idea who put those up?” Mandy asked

“I bet it was Lisa. She’s off the deep end.” Raquel made a crazy motion with her finger. “And she really hates you now.”

“I wouldn’t put it past her. She really is a nut when it comes to Easton,” Mandy agreed

It almost relieved my mind thinking it might be Lisa. I wasn’t totally convinced, but she was a lot less dangerous than the other option. At least I had worked it out with the girls.

“Thanks for listening, you guys. I am glad you aren’t mad.”

Julia reached over and gave me a hug. Raquel and Mandy threw themselves at us, and we were in one big group hug pile on the bleachers. One more down.

After school, I went to cross-country practice. Thankfully, we weren’t running on the track. The coach had given us a set course of five miles. Since we were just getting started, he would check our time when we got back. I was so happy to be running outside. I needed to get out of my own head today, so even the first twenty minutes didn’t suck as bad as they normally did. When I made it back, I realized I must have passed everyone else because I was the only one.

Football looked like it was just ending. I didn’t know if that was good or bad. I had asked one of the girls before practice if she would give me a ride because I was pretty sure Easton wasn’t going to be doing that today, even though I had cleared it with my mom this morning. I skirted the field as best I could and made it back to the locker rooms—without being seen, I hoped. I showered quickly and decided to wait for Shelby out by her car. I didn’t want to stay in the empty locker room, and I didn’t want to look like I was waiting for Easton, so I figured that was my best choice.

He was standing by a pole right outside the door when I came out of the locker room. His face was grim as he stared at the ground. He looked up when the door opened. I was pretty sure this was it. I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. I blinked and bit my tongue. I was so tired. I didn’t know if I had one more emotional confrontation in me today, but I knew I didn’t want to cry in front of him. Especially not if it was over. He didn’t need my baggage. He shouldn’t have to deal with all the crap that was my life. I almost wanted him to walk away, so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. It wasn’t fair to him. I would just let him go, and he didn’t have to feel guilty. If I cried, he would feel bad.

Okay. Suck it up. I jabbed my palms with my fingernails and walked over to where he was standing.

“Hey.” I looked him in the eye. He looked tired and hurt. I wished I could do something to fix it, but how could I change it? I would do the same thing if it happened again. I smiled at him. I wanted him to know I was okay with what he was going to do. It was all right to leave me.

“Don’t do that, Jasmine. I can’t stand it.” He looked away.

“Do what?” I guess I wasn’t doing a very good job. Why did everybody buy it but him?

“Pretend you’re fine when I know you aren’t. It’s what got us here in the first place.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet and literally bit my tongue again not to cry.

Out of nowhere, he grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. It shocked me so much that once I breathed him in, I started to sob. This was not the pretty kind of crying, mind you. This was the great big gulping, ugly kind of crying. He put his chin on top of my head and rubbed my back.

“I’m sorry, sugar. I shouldn’t have gotten so angry this morning. You scared me so bad I didn’t know what to do with it all. You wouldn’t let me help you. I was shocked that you could put on that kind of performance. I’ve never seen anything like that. It upset me that you could do that and fool everyone around you. What if I believed you when I shouldn’t? Please tell me you won’t do that to me, Jasmine, I don’t think I could stand it.”

I snuffled a few times and tried to lift my head, but he wouldn’t let me, so I just turned it.

“You aren’t leaving me?”

He chuckled. “No ma’am, you are not getting rid of me that easy.”

I gulped. “I think maybe you should. I’m an awful lot of trouble.”

He pulled my chin up. “You’re worth it.” He smiled.