Authors: Lydia Michaels
“Agreed.
Different. As in separate. Look, I may not understand the OCD thing, but I get
masochism. They’re two different things, apart from each other.”
“You
don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t
I? Come on Mason, think back to a few months ago when I first showed up. We had
a brief conversation in your study about how she needs an outlet. You may not
like what you walked in on, but don’t act like you haven’t considered it.
You know me.
I didn’t want to show her that side of me.
Believe me.
I love
her, but in that moment, when she was breaking in my arms, so frightened of a
force she couldn’t see, she needed it. It was either that or wait it out and
watch her suffer through the emotional cycle while she agonized internally and
slowly suffered a sort of withdrawal in order to come to terms with the pain.
Sometimes we need to be restrained in order to unknot what’s inside, have our
choices taken away. I did that for her.
For her,
Mason. It wasn’t about
me. I gave her the outlet she needed and I witnessed the moment she broke free
of what was inside of her. It was totally fucking beautiful seeing her
liberated from the claws of control that held her hostage. I didn’t really get
it before, when you said she’s aware she has it when sometimes others are not—”
“Ego
dystonic.”
“Whatever,”
Sean quickly continued. “I never really understood what you meant, but now I
do. She hates it. Really hates it. She has such a strong will. I assumed she
didn’t mind. I mean it isn’t like she complains about it. But today I saw
what’s inside of her grab hold of her, saw her face it and know she lacked the
strength to fight it, saw her fear she would somehow disappoint you and her
shame because that made her feel weak, and there was no perfect way for her to
get it out.” He shook his head. “I hated seeing her like that, so helpless,
despising what was inside of her enough to actually mutilate herself as an
attempt to get it out.”
They
stood silently for a moment. Sean caught his breath after his long explanation
then quietly said, “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it, but it was all I
could think of and I know it worked for her. I felt it. She was free for those
minutes we were in there. She went to that place where there is nothing but
peace and I’d be willing to bet she’s never felt anything like that before,
finally at rest, her demons purged. All her inhibitions just washed away. She
didn’t have to be perfect. She just had to
be
.”
“I
made a mistake,” Mason admitted and Sean tensed.
Looking
down, he whispered. “I’ll leave. This is your marriage. Regardless, I want you
to know I would never hurt her, I mean really hurt her. Those marks will be
gone in a couple of hours and the only scar she’ll carry from this entire
fiasco is the one she gave herself.”
He
shook his head. “Don’t be an idiot, Sean. I meant I made a mistake when I
thought you hurt her. I should have known better. I completely mistook the
situation and it caught me so off guard I freaked. I’m sorry. Please don’t
leave.”
Sean
looked at him as he seemed to consider his words. “Is she upset?”
“Not
with you,” Mason said, thinking he would soon be making another long apology.
“You
should go talk to her.”
Mason
sighed. “I’d like it if you talked to her first. She won’t listen to me until
she knows for sure that you aren’t going anywhere.”
Sean
shifted his belongings in his hands then dropped them out of the way. “What do
you say we go together?”
“All
right.”
Sean
reached out his hand and he took it, but when he began to walk in Liberty’s
direction Mason dug in his feet. Sean turned and Mason stepped up to him. He
ran a finger over the nasty bruise circling his eye. “I’m sorry for this.”
Sean
sighed. “I could’ve made the same mistake if the roles were reversed. If I ever
thought you were hurting her I would do more than give you a black eye.” He
shrugged. “I’ll live.”
Mason
gave a dry laugh. “I may not. She’s going to kill me when she sees your face.”
Sean
smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ll eventually step in to help. It’ll just be girl
punches and slaps. I’ll make sure she doesn’t hurt you too bad, tough guy.”
Chapter Seventeen
Liberty
turned as the door opened. She placed the broken pieces of her Tiffany jar back
on the small table that had been knocked over and sat on the bed. She inhaled,
ready to have her first big fight with Mason.
“Are
you leaving?”
He
looked as though he had just lost his best friend. “That depends. Is Sean
staying?”
His
face paled as he stared at the bag on the bed like it was a dead rodent.
“Mason?”
He
cleared his throat. “Would you be staying just for Sean?”
Her
chest constricted. “I love Sean, but I love you too. I love you both. I like
the way things are. I don’t want us to break up. You promised that wouldn’t
happen. You promised we’d always talk things out. The three of us, that’s what
I want. Not just Sean, not just you, but the three of us. A family. But the
idea of you two fighting…”
He
shut his eyes and she wondered if he was fighting tears. She couldn’t take any
more of seeing him like this.
She
went to him and wrapped her arms around him. “I love you, Mason. No matter how
mad I get, nothing will ever change that. But I will not let you blame Sean
because you don’t understand something.”
He
threw his arms around her and squeezed her so fiercely she wheezed. He pressed
his face into her neck and let out a deep stuttering breath. “I can’t lose you,
Liberty. I’m nothing without you.”
She
ran her hand over the back of his hair and waited until he regained his
composure. “What about Sean? You’re the one who said love is about trust,
trusting those you love to accept you and not walk away when you aren’t at your
best. You can’t make him leave, Mason. No matter how upset you’re with him or
me, you can’t. He’s part of us now. I need him as much as I need you.”
“I
need him too.”
She
shut her eyes finding his words comforting and reassuring. “Did you talk to
him?”
“Yes.
I misunderstood what I saw. I overreacted and wasn’t thinking. I know Sean
would never do you harm. I don’t know what made me believe for even a second he
would. I just…when I saw you tied—”
“He
did that because he was protecting me.”
“I
get that now.” He stepped away and took her hands. A burst of shame webbed
through her chest as he examined the scratches she had gouged into her flesh.
Mason slowly pulled her hand to his lips and kissed the wound. “I’m sorry you
had a bad day.”
She
gave him a sad smile and pulled him to the bed. They each sat down on the edge,
but Mason seemed unable to let her go so she let him continue to hold her hand.
“Mason,
something happened to me today. I can’t explain it. When my mom called…I was
taken off guard. I thought I was okay, but then the memories wouldn’t stop. All
I could hear was her voice, her words. I was a little girl again and I could
hear myself screaming every horrible thing I wanted to shriek in that train
station when he died. I felt despicable and ugly and dirty. Then I saw Sean and
realized what I was doing to him, so I tried my best to stop it. I didn’t want
him to see me like that. I didn’t want to upset him and I didn’t want to disappoint
you.”
Mason
shut his eyes and squeezed her fingers reassuringly. “Liberty, you could never
disappoint me. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Your struggles are mine.
We’re in this together, a partnership. Please don’t think that if you have a
hard day I’ll be disappointed. I know how hard you try. So long as you keep
trying I’m proud of you.”
“I
know that, rationally I do, but sometimes when I’m in that dark place and all I
can see are the repulsive parts…it’s so temping to stop fighting for healthy
and just give in. It’s only my promise to you that makes me keep fighting it
back. I feel myself slipping. It’s relentless. I want to silence all my
horrible thoughts, but I don’t know how without…”
“Without
breaking your promise.”
“Yes,”
she whispered, hating so much that she would never be perfect. The idea of
being even remotely normal at times like that seemed so overwhelming and
daunting it made living a hardship of camouflage worth it.
They
were silent for a long while, both reflecting. Finally Mason asked, “What Sean
did to you, did it make it stop?”
She
blinked back tears. Not tears of sadness, but the same tears that shock a
person’s system when someone gives them an unexpected gift with immeasurable
value, spoils that one never expected another to bestow, tailed by gratitude
too magnificent to hold inside.
“It
did.” She wiped her eyes. “I never expected…at first I just thought he was
trying to protect me from myself, but then I wasn’t sure what he was doing.”
She
shook her head, still baffled by how simple it had been for Sean to chase away
the darkness. He swept in like a breath, blowing away any trepidation,
scattering her fears as if they were nothing more than dust and curled shavings
forgotten during the making of the woman she was meant to be.
“At
first I was shocked at what he was doing and angry and a little afraid, but
then…it was like he hit a switch inside of me that I didn’t know existed. I
trust Sean with everything I am and everything I cherish. I trust him with you,
Mason, and I have no words to portray how much you mean to me. When I convinced
myself I was in no danger I finally let go and placed myself into his keeping
and I knew he wouldn’t let anything harm me. I trusted him and I…I just let
go.”
She
completely lost the battle with her tears and needed to take a minute to
regroup.
Mason sat patiently. After a
few steadying breaths she said, “Then everything fell away, all the pain, all
the ugliness, all the memories, all the demands for perfection. I just…broke
and I was suddenly free. It was as though I could feel
it
leaving me
like a physical thing being purged from my soul.”
Mason
pulled her into his arms and held her as she cried. He kissed her hair, her
cheeks, her eyes, as he rocked her. His soothing words of love fell over her
like a spring rain. She shut her eyes and gave herself over to his care,
suddenly feeling very, very tired.
Soon
another set of hands were holding her. Sean. Warmth blanketed her flesh and
flooded her veins. These were her boys. This was where she needed to be. She
trusted them to always keep her safe even when she was hiding from herself. For
years she danced carefully around an invisible presence so as not to wake the
beast. Mason learned to step lightly too.
But
not Sean. Sean was different. After a year of sidestepping his own demons, he
confronted hers head on and beat it for her. She knew it could come back, but
there was a sort of clarity now that hadn’t been there before. As if she could
finally see the light at the end of it all. For the first time in her life she
believed someday that presence would be gone completely.
They
all were so exhausted from the day’s events that the three of them, without
words, crawled under the covers and lay resting in one another’s arms.
Liberty was at peace.
She
slept peacefully, slumbering so soundly she felt like she was once again a
little girl, before she knew the world harbored predators and a mother’s
affection could come at a cost and a father’s standards could break a man. No
one passed through this life without some sort of stain on their soul. There
was no perfect. There was good and there was evil, and even saints were flawed.
Her
dreams were colorful. Warm and light like sunshine. The horizon was open, the
clouds bluffs and wisps of cotton candy dotting the fathomless skies.
Life
bloomed before her eyes and under her touch. Shadows were chased away by the
luminosity and she felt as though she was drawing her first breath. Mason and
Sean stood beside her in her dreams, exposed and vulnerable and completely
real. She knew then that the light radiating from every beautiful crevice and
cranny, seeping into every nerve, bathing her in heat and comfort, was love in
its purest sense. Love that they were all worthy of, a love that was inimitably
theirs and given without condition.
It
was a beautiful awakening, a peaceful acceptance. Liberty and freedom rest in
the wake of surrender. All those flawed pieces were merely the details that
create the whole person. Embracing every imperfection, Liberty realized, was the
key to breaking free. It was breaking perfect.
Epilogue
One year later
Liberty
wiped away tears as she continued to laugh and press her hand into the stitch
in her side. Sean was bellowing in the backseat shaking with mirth. Mason was
beet red as he pulled into the garage, trying hard not to laugh with them since
they were basically laughing at his expense. It was good to be home.
The
trip to the cemetery had been a long one, but something necessary so that Sean
could finally have the closure he needed. As they stood over the grave of Mr.
O’Malley she and Mason had held Sean, showing him, that no matter what, he
would always have their support.
After
a long period of silence Sean finally admitted that there was nothing there for
him. He’d thought visiting his father’s grave would lay some demons to rest,
but realized there was no need for some sort of symbolic or poetic ritual. Once
someone stood up to a ghost it no longer seemed so frightening, so influential.