Authors: Faye McCray
“Oh yea?”
“She asked about you and I told her you were back in New York.”
I nodded. I wanted to ask more. Where was she going to law school? Did she look happy? Did she look bitter? Was she with anyone? Questions I was sure he didn’t have the answers to.
“I called you after I saw her but you didn’t pick up,” Phil continued taking a big gulp of his drink.
I felt that familiar twang of guilt deep in the pit of my stomach, shame for what I had done to Kerry, shame that I’d never tried to make it better. I wondered if she had gone home the night she saw Phil and remembered us at our worst. Or had she remembered us at our best? I wondered if she allowed herself to remember us at all. Reminiscing about my time with Kerry was like recalling an accident. Like remembering stepping into the street in a hurry and not taking the time to look both ways. If I could just rewind and take that extra moment. That extra moment to pay attention to what was coming. Maybe I wouldn’t have been lying on the ground.
“We were so young,” Phil said pulling me out of my thoughts. “Think about it. Neither of you had any business being so serious at such a young age.” He signaled to the bartender to give him another drink. “Get him one, too.”
Phil and I hung out for almost two and a half hours. Talking about things we had done in college, parties we had gone too, women we had hooked up with. Phil encouraged me to get my shit together now that I was having a kid.
“The longer you sit on that degree, the less it’s going to be worth,” he warned, his words slurring.
After we were both impressively drunk, Phil admitted to being scared to death about marrying Ana. Especially after his Dad fucked up his marriage the way he did. I admitted to similar feelings about becoming a father.
We stumbled out of Houston’s promising not to let so much time pass again. Especially now that he would probably be moving to New York. Just before Phil boarded his cab, and I headed to the train station he called out to me.
“You’ll make a good Dad,” he said, pointing into the air for emphasis, nearly losing his footing. I laughed and turned away, hoping it was at least slightly possible that he was right.
***
When I arrived home, I was mostly sober. A subway ride and brisk walk will do that. Allison was waiting for me in the kitchen with a clingy lavender negligee that stopped right below her ass. Her hair was loose, full and long, fanning around her shoulders in big waves. Her face was fuller and her cleavage spilled out of the top of her lingerie. She was just starting to really show and her normally thin frame was made more voluptuous in pregnancy. I thought pregnancy would just make her fat, but she had never looked more beautiful.
“Did you have fun?” she asked kissing me on the cheek.
I nodded. “It was good to see him. Better to see you,” I added, pulling her close to me.
She smiled. “I’m barefoot and pregnant,” she said simply looking down at her feet. I laughed and kissed her, pulling her close to me, her bulging belly pressing into me. She smiled and looked down between us. “I think I should get on top,” she joked.
I smiled preparing to kiss her again but stopping to gaze into her eyes. For a moment, I was very aware that she was carrying our child and that she had continued to stand by me, even with all she had learned.
“You know it’s hard for me to say what I’m feeling right?” She nodded leaning in for another kiss. I stopped her by placing my hand on her chest. “But what you have been to me…” I continued. I paused taking a breath to search for my words.
“I love you, too, Nate.” She kissed me and led me back to our bed.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
If I hadn’t been obsessing over her every curve… from the way she sat with her right leg crossed over her left, to the way her hips cocked to the side when she waited in line, I may not have recognized her. However, that Monday morning in January, over three years since I had seen her last, I knew it was her without hesitation.
Kerry.
She stood in the hot food isle of Gristedes, staring indecisively at the scrambled eggs and checking her watch. She wore a black suit, her once braided hair long and loose, bangs framing her made-up face, burgundy lipstick painting her lips. She looked beautiful and grown up. Like a picture in a magazine, not someone I used to know. She toyed with the pearl earring in her left ear and picked up a wrapped muffin with her free hand, carefully reading the ingredients.
“Make a decision, baby,” a young man said sneaking up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. She leaned back into him and smiled, saying something I couldn’t quite hear from where I hid behind our holiday display. He laughed.
“It doesn’t even look fresh,” she said scrunching up her face at the food. “It’s probably been sitting here for days. Who actually buys the hot food at a grocery store anyway?” She smiled, turning towards him and wrapping her hands around his neck. They kissed.
“This is why we should stay by my place, I have much better food options,” she said looking back at the food and pretending to gag.
“This food is fine. Excuse me,” her companion yelled in my direction.
Oh shit,
I thought to myself, turning sideways hoping she hadn’t seen me. As much as I had fantasized about seeing her again, I wasn’t ready for her to see me adorned in my Gristedes’ name tag and working at a supermarket. Her companion walked closer to where I hid, partially shielded by our battery display. I backed up to be out of view from where Kerry stood.
“How long has this food been sitting here?”
“It’s cooked every morning,” I said pretending to arrange the products on the shelves beside me. “The muffins are baked at an outside facility and shipped in.”
“He says every morning,” he yelled in Kerry’s direction. “My fiancée thinks she is too good for your hot food,” he joked, straightening the collar on his gray suit. I nodded, managing a small smile.
“Jon, don’t tell him that!” Kerry said, laughing. I heard her footsteps heading towards us.
“I’ll get the manager.” I turned, heading towards the stock room as fast as I could without breaking into a run.
“That’s not necessary,” I heard Kerry say just as I rounded the corner and burst into the stock room, hoping she hadn’t seen me.
***
After about forty-five minutes of “busying” myself in the stock room, I finally crept back out and took over a register so one of our cashiers could go on break. My mind was reeling. I questioned whether I had actually seen her or whether I had made the whole encounter up in my head. I was tired. The night before, I made a midnight cookie dough ice cream run for Allison. She had just started her third trimester and was in a constant state of hunger, discomfort and irritability. She and her maternity pillow also took up most of the bed.
“Have a nice day, sir,” I said to an older gentleman as I handed him his bag of groceries. He was the last one on my short line. Early mornings were usually pretty slow. I leaned back against my register running my fingers along my temples convincing myself seeing Kerry had all been a figment of my drowsy imagination.
“Nate?” I heard just as I allowed myself to believe my own lie.
I looked up and Kerry stood at the end of my isle, draped in a gray cashmere shawl, her fingers resting on the conveyor belt, her brown eyes just as beautiful as they had always been. For a moment, I said nothing, the sweetness of her voice saying my name still dancing in my thoughts, bringing with it a flood of nostalgia.
“Wow.” I was unable to stop the smile from widening my lips.
“Hi,” she said with a nervous laugh, walking closer to me. I stepped from behind my register a few feet in front of her. “I wasn’t sure if it was you. I thought it might have been, but I had to come back and see. I was in here earlier with my fiancé,” she explained.
“Oh yea?” I said pretending I hadn’t noticed.
We stared at each other for a moment, the inevitable awkward silence nursing on the air. It was like all the words we needed to say came rushing to the threshold of a small door, too many to fit out, too big to say.
“Well, how are you?” she asked, leaning in for an uncomfortable embrace. I welcomed her, pressing my hands into the small of her back. She shifted uncomfortably and pulled away.
“Nothing,” I answered incorrectly, suddenly feeling embarrassed to be standing in front of her in my Gristedes name tag. Glad I no longer had to wear a uniform.
“Good.” She smiled. “I’m living in Astoria. I’m in my first year of law school at Fordham.”
“I knew you would do it.”
We were silent.
“Well,” she said after a moment. “I should probably go. I’m interviewing for a summer job this morning. Besides, I don’t want to interrupt,” she said gesturing to my register. A woman was slowly making her way up the isle to purchase her items.
“Yeah, sure.” I nodded, understanding the need for her to leave but wanting desperately for her to stay. Our eyes met for a moment and volumes of timeless words passed between us. I was sorry. I was so very, very sorry and a part of me wanted to get on my knees and scream it at her feet. She turned, paused and reached into her brown purse and pulled out a card.
“Give me a call. Maybe we can do lunch,” she said, visibly conflicted as to why she was doing it.
I put her card in my pants pocket and grabbed a discarded piece of receipt paper, jotting down my cell. “Just let me know when,” I said throwing the ball in her court.
“Okay,” she said, taking the paper. Our fingers touched, sending sparks into me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her as she turned and walked away.
***
That evening, I replayed my relationship with Kerry over and over again in my head. The good, the extremely bad and all the in-between. I remembered her wrapped in a blanket on my bed, her eyes lighting up when I sat beside her and the feel of her soft hand sneaking up my back to wrap me in her embrace. I missed how she made me feel like I was so much more than I was. Like I was better than the mediocre life I always felt was inevitable.
Her reappearance in my life felt like a locked door had suddenly flown open. She didn’t have to come back to Gristedes to be sure it was me. But she did. That had to mean something.
“Achoo!” Cole’s sneeze startling me out of my thoughts. I looked over at where Allison sat in front of me with Cole nestled in her lap. His small frame looked overwhelmed by her belly.
We were babysitting. The salon had really started to take off, and Allison and I had begun to pick Cole up from daycare when Natalie couldn’t get off in time. Cole adored Allison, so he enjoyed the nights that Natalie worked late. He stared up at her face smiling. She stared at me.
“Where are you right now?” she asked.
“Right here,” I said, shaking off the lingering thoughts of Kerry.
Cole sat up and stood in front of her hopping to steal back her attention. “Ally, can you read a book?”
“Okay, sweetie.” He bounced off to his bumble bee backpack to find one. “Nate?” she said looking at me. “It’s your turn.”
“Oh.” I looked down at the Uno cards in my hand. I had forgotten we were playing. I picked out a blue six and placed it on the pile.
“Ha,” Ally said as Cole handed her
Green Eggs and Ham.
“I won!” She slammed a red six on the pile. She got up dancing around the room stroking her belly. Not one to miss a party, Cole began dancing with her. “Ally won!” she said, grabbing his hands and moving him around. He giggled, wiggling around wildly.
“Ally won,” he mimicked.
“Get your own girlfriend, man,” I said laughing. I reached out and pulling her gently into my lap. Cole continued dancing.
“Welcome back,” she said touching my face.
“You cheated.”
“No, I’m better than you.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder with exaggerated arrogance. I ran my finger along her chin preparing to kiss her.
“Read, Ally,” Cole interrupted, holding the book between our faces. Allison took the book and kissed me quickly. She rose and led Cole over to the couch, plopping him on her lap and opening the book. She looked back at me and smiled. I smiled back.
***
I opened my eyes and stretched, crashing my long limbs into the arms of Natalie’s moss green sofa. I drew in a deep yawn and released it loud and slow. I looked over at the time on the cable box, my eyes still lazy and out of focus. I squeezed my eyes tight and reopened them.
8:36pm.
It was Friday. I had popped by Natalie’s on the way home from work at six and must have conked out on the couch. I sat up slowly, surprised that I had slept the evening away. Cole came running through the hall to where I sat on the couch, naked and dripping wet, tugging at his penis.
“Where are your clothes, man?”
“Cole, get your little butt back in the bathtub,” Natalie yelled walking into the living room holding a towel. “I thought you were sleeping,” she said glancing at me.
“He was calling me,” Cole said staring up at Natalie, his eyes big and wide.
“Boy, no one was calling you,” Natalie said in a huff. “Now go!” She popped his bottom lightly with the towel.
Cole ran off, almost slipping as he rounded the corner back to the bathroom.
“You want something to eat?” Natalie asked walking into the kitchen. I followed her and stood at the threshold of the door. “We have…” She opened a cabinet. “Shit, we don’t have anything.” She laughed. “Want to order a pizza?”
“Not hungry.” I yawned.
Natalie shrugged and filled an empty cup with tap water. “Stop splashing in there, Cole!” she yelled. I hadn’t heard anything. I yawned again. “Why are you so tired?”
“Allison and that giant pillow,” I began. “I fall off the bed at least twelve times a night. And she snores, Nat. Like a 500 pound man.”
Natalie laughed.
“I don’t know what that baby is doing to my cute girlfriend.”
“Maybe you should get a bigger bed. You guys might as well admit she lives there. It makes no sense that she keeps all of her stuff at her mom’s house.”
I sighed, turning and walking back into the living room. This was clearly leading up our 500
th
conversation about how I should make a bigger commitment to Allison. She followed. “Even Max is moving in. We haven’t been together nearly as long as you two…”
“Nice try, kid.” I laughed. “Since when is Max moving in?”
She shrugged. “We aren’t talking about me.”
“You are right about Ally,” I said. “We are already loading the other room up with baby stuff. I should have asked her to move her stuff in a long time ago.”
“Is that the only question you want to ask her?” She flashed me a doofy smile.
I rolled my eyes. “So you and Max?”
“We’re serious.”
“How serious?”
“Like ‘spend my life with her’ serious…”
“Wow.”
“She’s beautiful, kind, smart… Cole loves her… I have no idea why she’s with me…”
“Because you’re all those things too.”
“Awwwwww…” she said laughing. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, big brother.”
“Whatever,” I said feeling embarrassed.
“Hug…” She trapped me in a big embrace.
“Okay, okay… I’m
so
sweet,” I said patting her on the back. She laughed letting go.
“Oh, by the way, before I forget your cell phone rang while you were sleeping. Cole answered it.” She picked up a small piece of paper from the coffee table. “It was a woman named Kerry. I didn’t want to just hang up after Cole picked up,” she explained. “Is that the Kerry you dated in college? The Kerry that ruined you for black women.” She smiled sheepishly.
“Funny,” I said, smirking. She laughed. I took the paper from her hands and stared at it as she sauntered back into the kitchen.
It had been over a month since I had run into Kerry at the grocery store. Though I thought of her daily, I had stopped expecting her to call. I grabbed the phone and headed into the bathroom where Cole sat up in the tub playing with a toy boat. I closed the lid to the toilet and sat down.
Kerry picked up on the first ring.
“Hey, is Kerry there?” I knew it was her, but I asked anyway.
“Nate, hi.”
“Who’s Kerry?” Cole asked. I put my finger over my lip gesturing for him to quiet down. Offended, he began to splash around in the tub fiercely.
“Is that the little man I spoke to earlier?” Kerry said laughing.
“Yeah, my nephew, Cole.”
“How old is he?”
“He is three, and a real pain in the ass,” I said laughing. Cole covered his mouth and laughed, happy that I thought enough of him to curse in his presence.
“Aww,” Kerry sang.
We were silent.
“So, what’s up?”
“Well, I don’t know about you but I felt weird about the way we left things.”
I laughed. “It
was
awkward.”
“If you aren’t busy this weekend... or, whenever you have the time, maybe we can have lunch.”
I smiled to myself, drawing in and releasing a small breath.
“Why are you smiling, Uncle Nate?” Cole piped in. I instinctively placed my hand over the mouth of the receiver hoping she hadn’t heard and shot Cole a look. He laughed splashing again.
“Nate?”
“Are you doing anything tomorrow afternoon?” I was supposed to go to a tux fitting for Phil’s wedding, but I could probably skip it.
“No,” she said.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Kerry and I sat across from each other outside of the small Azerbaijan restaurant in Lower Manhattan for about five minutes before either of us said a word. The restaurant’s bistro tables blanketed the New York City sidewalk. We glanced around at the racing taxi cabs and fast walking pedestrians, the restaurant’s outdoor space separated from the chaos by a short ornamental black iron fence.
Kerry sat with her legs crossed, leaned back in her chair, a pencil skirt, blue silk blouse and a silver pendant adorning her curvier frame. Her hair was pulled back and her bangs parted to the side, sweeping across her forehead. She wrapped her arms around herself and laughed before she decided to speak.
“I guess it would be weird if this wasn’t uncomfortable,” she said taking a sip of water. I laughed.
“It doesn’t have to be. It’s good to see you.”
She smirked, looking at me as if she wanted to say something.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.” The waiter came over and took our orders. “What’ve you been up to?” she asked when he left.
“Nothing much. Working,” I began. “Phil and Ana are getting married.”
She nodded, smiling. “I figured they would. They were cute together.”
We were silent. I watched her take another sip of water, her eyes resting on a jogger who ran in place at the curb beside us. The jogger waited for the light to change and bounded off, sprinting past the people walking in the crosswalk.
“You look exactly the same,” I said. She looked at me, and I caught her eyes. She looked away.
“I got fat,” she said laughing.
“No, you didn’t. I mean, you aren’t that skinny girl I went to college with…” I said noticing how nicely her body had grown to fill out her clothes.
“That’s for sure,” she interrupted.
“…but you look good.”
She looked down and cleared her throat. My phone buzzed in my pants pocket. I slipped it out and peeked at it. Allison was calling. I hadn’t told her I postponed the fitting with Phil. She was probably calling to find out how it was going.
“Do you need to get that?”
I shook my head, hit ‘ignore’ and stuffed my phone back in my pocket.
“You look different,” she said after a moment.
“How so?”
“Older,” she began.
“So, what? I look old now?” I asked grinning.
“No, no.” She laughed. “More mature.”
“I’d like to think I am.”
She let out a short laugh and pulled the gray shawl that draped her chair back over her shoulders. “It’s cold, right?”
I shrugged glancing at the outdoor heater a few feet from our table.
“Kerry,” I started, unsure of what would follow. There were things I wanted to say to her. Things I
waited
to say to her. I wasn’t sure when I’d have this chance again. She looked at me, waiting, bundling in her shawl. “I don’t know where to begin,” I said, partially under my breath.
“Why did you do it?” she asked, catching me off guard. She smoothed a stray hair away from her eyes. “I know why she did it. I know
exactly
why Jayna did it. But why did you?”
I looked away. I knew this conversation was inevitable, but I hadn’t expected to be yanked into it. I wasn’t sure I had an answer. I didn’t know why.
“Forget it.” She took a sip of water. “It was a long time ago.” As if on cue, the waiter brought our food over. My lamb kabob might as well have been a skewer filled with Styrofoam; I had completely lost my appetite. I watched as she took a few bites of her salad.
“I don’t know, Kerry.”
She finished chewing and sat back in her chair. “We don’t need to talk about this.” She snickered and toyed with her lettuce with her fork.
“We do. I don’t know why I did it, Kerry.”
“You don’t know?” She laughed. “Nate, what you and Jayna did
destroyed
me. I left school for a year. I could barely get out of bed for over a month.” I could see tears begin to form in the cottony pink corners of her eyes. “You were my first. My first everything. It destroyed me, Nate. And you don’t know why you did it?” Her voice grew louder and she leaned forward in her chair.