Boyfriend (21 page)

Could I make my own child as happy as Cole?  Or would I just send another fucked up kid into this world?

Like me.

I stared into Allison’s eyes, struggling to push the negative thoughts from rushing back into my head. 

“What, Nate?” Allison asked, still irritated.  She pulled her arm from my hand and folded her arms across her chest. 

I looked at her, still unable to find the words.  She softened, reaching out and touching my face.  I held her hand there, and she smiled, collapsing into my arms as I buried my face in her hair. 

“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered, kissing my neck.  I wrapped my arms around her as she pulled me tighter into her embrace.

***

Natalie was thrilled.  Allison’s pregnancy seemed to round out the family we were piecing together.  She was happy Cole would have a cousin around his age.

              “You know this means you have to put a ring on it,” she said, only partially joking.  I practically choked on the bagel I was eating.

Natalie told me she liked who I was with Allison.  She thought I had never seemed more at peace.  Although I knew she was probably right, I was also scared.  As much as I wanted to be different for Allison and the child we were having, I wasn’t sure if I knew how.  I had a pretty consistent track record of fucking things up.  Especially when I was supposed to be at peace.

Natalie had her own reasons for playing Cupid.  She was falling head over heels for some dude named Max, a medical student at Columbia University, which was located just a few blocks over from her salon.  They had seen each other at a nearby Starbucks about a half a dozen times before finally exchanging numbers.

              “We always ordered the same thing.   A Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte with extra foam,” Natalie swooned. “One day, Max took the one that was labeled ‘Natalie’ and I took the one that said ‘Max.’  So, we finally spoke.”

              “Aww,” Allison said smiling.

I knew it was getting serious when Natalie let Max meet Cole.  After that, I knew I had to meet him.  Natalie finally agreed to let us meet her and Max for lunch while Cole was in daycare during a day we were all working.  We met at a pizza shop not too far from Columbia that had jumbo pizza slices.  Allison was a little over two months pregnant and had not stopped talking about the place since we’d gotten up that morning.  She was barely showing but morning sickness had been kicking her ass.  She hadn’t been holding much of anything down but something about the thought of eating those jumbo slices of pizza had her practically salivating.
              “Seriously, Nate.  I think I may eat two slices.  My mouth is like, watering, just thinking about it,” she said again, touching her mouth. I took her hand as we rounded the corner into the pizza shop.

              “You better be careful.  You don’t want the baby to start running out of room,” I joked poking her belly lightly and holding the door for her as she walked in. 

              “You think I’m getting fat?” She stopped at the entrance to the restaurant and stared at me, her mouth in a pout. 

              I sighed.  No matter how I answered this question, I was in trouble.

              “Hey!” we heard from inside the shop.  Natalie stood up at a table, gesturing for us to come over.  Relieved, I clutched Allison’s hand and pulled her towards the table. 

Beside Natalie stood a petite woman in blue scrubs.  She wore black framed glasses and her hair was cut close to her scalp.  She wore about four or five tan leather bracelets on her wrists; they popped against her dark brown skin.

              “Oh wow…” Allison muttered under her breath as we approached.  I could have sworn Natalie had said Max was a guy. 

              “This is Max,” Natalie said as we approached. We could have at least gotten a heads up, I thought shooting Natalie a look.  Her eyes gleamed playfully.  I shook Max’s hand and Max smiled.  We all sat.

              “I would say we heard a lot about you, but Natalie seemed to have missed some key things,” I said laughing.  Allison nudged me hard in my side.

              “Turns out, I’m gay,” Natalie said throwing her hands up and wiggling her fingers like she was performing a cheesy jazz number. 

              “So am I,” Max offered smiling.

Allison laughed.

The lunch went well.  Maxine “Max” Cooper was originally from Tennessee.  She was in her final year at Columbia and would start her residency with Cornell after she graduated.  She was obviously smart, but she was also the type of person who only said the words that needed to be said.  She took in our interactions and dynamics with a small smile on her face, interjecting dry wit that most times went over everyone’s heads. 

Most importantly, Max adored Natalie.  At that first lunch, I watched as she touched Natalie’s back softly and got up to refill Natalie’s cup when she finished her soda.  I also watched Natalie watch her, her eyes glowing, clearly smitten with her new girlfriend.  Seeing my sister with a woman would take some getting used to, but seeing Natalie happy made me happy.  No matter who she was with.

Just as we were finishing up, Max went to the bathroom, and Allison rose to order her third piece of pizza.

“So, you’re cool with this, right?” Natalie said to me when they were out of ear shot.

“Cool with what?” I said taking a gulp of my Pepsi.

“
This
.  Me… Lesbians… Max…”

“Of course, Natalie.” I put my Pepsi down and reached for her hand.  She smiled, a level of ease settling into the air.  I smirked.  “So if that means you need me to screen hot lesbians…” 

She pulled her hand away, rolling her eyes and laughing.  “But seriously, Nate.”

“I’m seriously cool with it,” I said looking in her eyes.  “I want you to be happy, kid.  You look really happy.”

“I am,” she said just as Allison returned with the pizza. 

Allison took a bite of the corner of her pizza.  “Max is cute,” she said, her mouth full. 

“Right?” Natalie said smiling.

Natalie and I watched as Allison took another big bite of her pizza, staring down at the gooey cheese and closing her eyes briefly while she chewed.  She didn’t even look up when Max returned to the table.

“Baby,” she said to me after she swallowed.  “You think you can get me one to go?”

Natalie and I burst into laughter.

***

Phil called just when Allison entered her fourth month of pregnancy.  He was still with Ana and she had recently gotten a job in New York.  They were coming up for the weekend to look at apartments.  He would still be in D.C. for a few months, but he was actively looking for a job in New York.  He wanted to have drinks at a restaurant on the Upper East Side while Ana spent the evening visiting some cousins on Long Island.  He told me he had big news.  I was pretty sure I could guess what it was. 

I hadn’t seen Phil since my mother’s funeral.   And even then, although he met Allison and my sister, we barely got a chance to speak.  He and Ana had arrived hand-in-hand and laid a bouquet of white flowers at my mother’s casket.  He sat in the row behind my family, patting me on the back every so often to remind me he was there.  I was glad he was.   

It had been almost a year since my mother died and over two years since we graduated college.  He and I had talked on occasion, but we had always stopped short of making plans to get together.  He worked a great deal and most of his free time was spent with Ana.  Phil was doing well for himself.  He was working his way up at his brokerage firm.  He had his own office.  He even had a lady whose sole job was to make him coffee and know his schedule.  Though I was happy with Allison, I couldn’t help but feel slightly ashamed that I had so little to show for my education.  My shame nearly caused me to cancel three times. 

Phil sauntered into Houston’s restaurant on the east side of Manhattan like he had stepped straight from the pages of
GQ
magazine.  He wore a tailored gray suit, plaid button down shirt and solid black skinny tie.  A messenger bag was draped across his chest.  His once shaggy blonde hair was cropped neatly around his head.  I couldn’t help but feel insecure in my jeans and sweater.  Besides a slightly shorter haircut, I probably looked exactly the same.  In fact, I was pretty sure the sweater I was wearing was the same thing I wore the last day of classes. 

“Ay!” he yelled as soon as he saw me, his arms wide for an embrace.  I hugged him, slapping my hand hard on his back.  It felt good to see him.  “You couldn’t dress up to see me?” 

I laughed.  “Excuse the fuck out of me, Ryan Gosling,” I joked. “This isn’t a date.”

Phil laughed taking a seat next to me at the bar.  I noticed two well-dressed women across the bar checking him out. 

“Obviously, it’s working,” I continued, nodding in the direction of the women.

Phil looked over at them and smiled.  “Kamikaze,” he said to the bartender.  “Those ladies are going to have to look but not touch,” he continued turning back to me.

I laughed.  “What the fuck did you just order?”

“A drink.”

“So you come in here looking like an ad in
GQ
, you order some fancy drink, you tell me you don’t want women to touch you.  Are you about to come out of the closet?” 

“What? No… I didn’t say I didn’t want
women
to touch me.  I said
those
women can’t touch me.”

I gave him my most affected, blank stare.

“Ana and I are getting married.”  He looked at me with a wide grin.  I assumed that was his “big news” but hearing it was crazy. 

Married?  Wow. 

At that moment Kerry popped in my head.  I couldn’t help but wonder if we would be on the same path had we stayed together. 

“Wow, congrats, man,” I said shaking off the nostalgia.  I shook his hand firmly.

“Thanks.  Ana Miguelina Delgado has tamed the beast,” he said with an exaggerated Spanish accent and smile.  “Now, I just need to find a job out here.  What’s been going on with you?” he asked, polishing off the last of his drink.

“I guess I have big news, too,” I said, taking a sip of the Blue Moon I ordered.  I had no clue why I felt so nervous to tell him.  “Ally’s pregnant.”

Phil practically dropped his glass, his lap breaking the fall.  “Congratulations,” he said, placing his glass safely on the bar.  “You ready for that, man?” He looked at me, his eyes wide and doubtful.

I shrugged.  “I guess I have no choice.”

“You always have a choice,” he said taking another drink.  “But, I’m glad you see it that way.”

I nodded, suddenly very eager to change the subject.  “How are your parents?”

He sighed and ordered another drink.  “Separated,” he said staring into his empty glass.

My mouth dropped open.

Not surprisingly, Phil’s father’s indiscretion in college wasn’t a one-time thing.  Over the years, his father had developed an addiction to dying his hair and “fucking twenty-year-old girls.”  Phil’s mother found out shortly after we graduated and confronted him on a Friday night when they were all having dinner.  Although initially very angry, his mother forgave him and tried her best to work things out.  It was Phil’s dad who insisted on a divorce. 

I gathered quickly that Phil had lost a great deal of respect for his dad, and they no longer had much of a relationship.  It was unfortunate considering I had spent so much time in college envying them. 

Phil’s mother, on the other hand, was doing surprisingly well.  She was drinking copious amounts of wine and travelling a great deal with a group of raunchy divorcees with highlights in their hair and low-cut shirts. 

“I get hit on by one of my mom’s friends every time I go home,” Phil said shaking his head.  I laughed.  He said he had never seen his mom so happy.

Phil wanted me to be his best man at his wedding. Despite the years that had passed, he still considered me his closest friend.  It made me feel like a dick for waiting so long to reconnect.  I accepted, of course, but I couldn’t help but wonder if Jayna would be there.  I knew she and Ana were very close in college.  It seemed only natural she would be there.  I asked Phil, and he told me she had gotten married to a guy in the military shortly after she graduated. 

“She went through a lot after everything with you and Kerry,” Phil began.  “She made some dumb choices but ended up with a pretty good guy she knew from back home.  Last I heard from Ana, she was pregnant and living overseas,” Phil continued.  “She’s invited but I’m more than 100% positive she isn’t coming.”  I was relieved she wasn’t coming but possibly more relieved to know she was okay.  Over the years I’d started to regret my treatment of both women.  Not just Kerry.

“Have you spoken to her?” Phil asked after a lag in conversation. 

I didn’t even bother to pretend I didn’t know he was talking about Kerry. “No.”

He nodded.  “I saw her over the summer.  We were at Capital Grille not far from where I work in D.C.  She was with her parents.  I was with some co-workers.  She popped by our table on her way out.  I could tell that she was nervous to talk to me.  She’d just graduated and was headed to law school.”