She was sitting up, playing with one of my
old dolls that Daddy had given her. Her hair had grown long, and it
still had a beautiful shine. Daddy brushed it every night, because
that’s what would have made her happy, if she were aware. Momma
looked like a little girl, younger than me in the big bed.
“I came to see if you are hungry,” I said, as
I slowly approached the bed. She smiled and asked me to sit with
her. I wanted to; I wanted to leap onto the bed and jump into her
arms. I needed her to hold me and put a hundred kisses on my cheeks
as she used to do when I was little. But I remembered what Daddy
made me promise.
“Opal made some delicious fried chicken.
Would you like some, Momma?”
“Your hair looks different, Hattie. What have
you done to it?”
My legs began to tremble beneath me. My
promise rang in my ears, but my heart wanted to enter Momma’s
world, even if only for a little while.
“Come and sit with me. We can play dolls,”
she sang.
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“We can eat later. Come play with me. I
insist.”
“I can’t, Momma,” I said, fighting my tears.
“I’ll be back later.” I locked the door behind me. It was harder
than I expected, and didn’t know if I could do it. It was painful
to see my beloved Momma act like a seven-year-old child. She looked
like the same Momma, but inside, she was a different person.
Afterwards, in the early evening, when I
explained to Daddy what happened when he came for a brief checkup
on me, he was uncertain what to do.
“The weather is too ominous; I can’t be away
for more than a minute. Bring Momma her supper, Lillian, and leave
as soon as she is finished. And give her one of your other dolls.
She loves dolls,” he said, then left, shaking his head in
disbelief.
Opal had Heath bring Momma’s supper plate.
Ayden and Edward were on standby for the next vessel to go down.
Heath battled the wind and snow to make it to our house, which was
only a few hundred yards from his front door. His face was covered
with white, powdery snow.
“Come in, quickly,” I said. I ushered him in
and took the plate. He removed his boots, hat, and coat.
“It’s wicked cold out there,” he
commented.
“Warm up by the fire; I’ll be back down in a
few minutes.”
I stopped in my room to get Momma one of the
dolls she’d made me a long time ago then went to her room. I woke
her with the sound of the key turning in the lock.
“I have supper for you.”
She sat up as I placed the plate on the table
beside her bed. “Ummm, smells delicious,” she said.
I took the napkin and placed it under her
chin.
“Oh, can I play with that doll?” she asked,
when she noticed it on the bed.
“Of course; I brought it for you.”
Now she wasn’t interested in eating.
“You should eat.”
“Maybe later,” she said, and pulled the
napkin off.
“I can’t bring it back later. Please eat,” I
begged.
“I like this doll the best. Can I have it,
Hattie? I will give you one of mine. Mine are more expensive, and I
have seen you looking at them on my shelf, especially the one I
named Lillian.”
I gasped. It was eerie to hear Momma tell me
she had a doll with my name. Heath was in the doorway and overheard
her madness. Momma spotted him and, as predicted, believed he was
someone from her past. Maybe it was the brother she thought she
had. She called out to him. “Patrick, is that you?”
Heath looked to me for an answer.
“No, Momma; that’s Heath Dalton. Don’t you
remember him? He is Edward and Opal’s son. Ayden is his younger
brother,” I explained, as if that were going to make a
difference.
“Patrick, Patrick,” she repeated his name
over and over in a heavy voice. “Do we have to leave today? I’m
afraid.” Momma pulled the covers up to her face as trembled in
fear.
“What should I say?” Heath asked me in a
whisper.
“Tell her she is safe, that she doesn’t have
to go.” I hoped that would help calm her down. Heath was kind
enough to play the part; he wanted to help comfort her. He came and
took hold of her delicate hand.
“There is nothing to fear; you can stay right
here.”
Momma was obviously relieved, took a long
breath, and said, “Promise me, Patrick—promise me we never have to
leave Sutton Hall.”
Heath shot me an uncertain look, but I
nodded, indicating he should agree.
“I promise.”
“Will you eat now, Momma?”
She smiled widely and agreed. Heath and I
watched as she devoured her food. She was messy and forgot her
etiquette. I wiped her face as Heath took her empty plate. I helped
her with a glass of milk to wash her food down. Then as we left,
she began to play with the new doll I brought her. Heath was at a
loss for words. I was sure he had never witness such lunacy before.
It felt awkward to have to explain.
“Momma thinks she is in Savannah,” I
explained.
Heath frowned, and I realized I had divulged
a piece of a secret. Daddy never wanted anyone to know we were
southerners.
“I thought you were from New York.”
“Well, I was born there,” I answered, though
I wasn’t positive that was where I was born. No one ever told me; I
just assumed. I scrambled to think of a way to cover my
mistake.
“Momma thinks that is where she was from. She
makes up all kinds of things. Daddy said she had never been to
Georgia.”
“Oh,” he mumbled. “I see.”
“She will probably go to sleep now.” We stood
at the top of the stairs. Heath was so much taller than me; I had
to almost strain my neck to look into his eyes. I could tell Heath
was not comfortable with me the way he used to be, and it saddened
me.
“I better get back to Mother,” he said. I
followed him down to the front door. His coat had dried from the
heat of the fire, and I handed it to him.
“Thank you, Heath.”
“For what?”
“For being kind to Momma,” I said as a tear
escaped my eye and cascaded down my warm cheek.
“If I can help in any way, Lillian, just ask.
Okay?”
I looked away so he wouldn’t see my obvious
adoration for him. My heart ached for him the way his must have for
Clara. The more he pulled away from me, the more I wanted him back
in my life the way it used to be. I wanted the sparkle back in his
clear blue eyes, for him to want to teach me about the moon and the
stars, and most of all, I wanted to win Heath’s heart, just as
Clara had.
The snow continued to fall, day after day; it
finally ceased on Christmas Eve. It was our first Christmas on
Jasper Island and much different from all the years past. Holidays
such as Christmas and Easter were not joyous and jovial. They were
religious events that Momma kept strict. I wasn’t aware that on
Christmas, someone called Santa made his way across the world on a
magical sleigh and stopped in the night at every house that had a
good boy or girl to leave a gift. Santa apparently flew through the
air with a sleigh full of toys pulled by magical, flying reindeers.
When Ayden told me this, I was astounded.
“And when he lands on the roof, he comes down
the chimney and leaves the toy on a table near the Christmas
tree.”
“We don’t have a tree in the house,” I said.
It all sounded so ridiculous.
“Father is out on the mainland chopping one
down as we speak. Then we will decorate it tonight.”
I looked at Heath, who was sitting next to
the fire and reading a book. He peered over the cover and smiled,
then said, “It’s all true, Lillian.”
“So this Santa man will bring me a gift
tonight?”
“You have to be asleep, though. If you’re
not, he can’t come down the chimney,” Ayden said.
“But we don’t have a tree,” I stated
flatly.
“You won’t need one. You can sleep at our
house, and Santa can leave your present on the table by the tree.
You can decorate it with us. We string the tree with beads and hang
glass ornaments,” Heath explained, and then he went on to give me a
history lesson about the origin of Santa Claus. I sat patiently and
listened, but it was hard not to allow my mind to wander, thinking
of the present Santa Claus might bring me. I already had a
beautiful doll; what more could I want? I couldn’t imagine how
Santa would guess.
Ayden left to go and get me one of his
favorite books then he handed it to me when he returned. It was
called, The Night before Christmas, and it had drawings of
Santa.
I tried to put it together in my mind. It all
sounded very exciting. I couldn’t imagine why Momma and Daddy had
never told me of such a thing.
Edward arrived in the early afternoon with
the tree. It was just small enough to fit through the front door
after he trimmed the branches and trunk. Opal had Heath and Ayden
bring down a large wooden box full of lovely decorations.
“What are these for?” I asked, holding up
small, round, wooden hoops.
“You put the candles in them then they go on
the tree,” Opal said, showing me. “You’ve never seen a Christmas
tree before?”
“She’s never heard of Santa, either,” Ayden
chimed in.
“Really?” Opal exclaimed, wide-eyed.
“Well, she knows all about it now,” Heath
added.
“Come on, then; let’s get the decorations on
the tree before supper is served.” Opal was preparing everything
from sweetbread pates and rice croquettes to the main
dish—quail.
Daddy came in from a long nap with Momma. I
had just finished setting the table.
“Come, everyone, sit,” Edward called.
Ayden and Heath eagerly sat and waited
patiently for the prayer. I could almost hear their grumbling
stomachs; the food smelled so good. Edward gave a rather
long-winded thanks to God then declared it was time to dig in.
“You boys make sure you save room for
dessert. I made your favorite—nesselrode pudding,” Opal said.
“This is a fine meal, Opal; thank you for
having Lillian and me,” Daddy said. The way he said it made Opal’s
eyes tear up. Even Edward heard the angst in Daddy’s voice and
patted him on the back, then said, “You are always welcome,
Garrett.”
Most of the time, I felt like a member of the
Dalton family, but occasionally, there was something said or done
to remind me that Daddy and I were alone now that Momma was ill and
were merely guests in their home. I mentioned to Daddy that Heath
and Ayden wanted me to spend the night so Santa could leave me a
gift.
“Well, I don’t know, Lillian,” Daddy
said.
“It’s fine with us, Garrett,” Opal told
him.
“Amelia—she wouldn’t approve,” he
mumbled.
I waited quietly and patiently while he
thought about it. So far, Daddy had given in to all of my wishes; I
hoped he would say yes to this one.
“Can I speak with you in private?” Daddy
asked Opal.
“Of course,” she said, and together they went
back into the kitchen.
I glanced at Ayden to see if he knew what
they were discussing. He shrugged. It didn’t faze Heath or Edward.
Maybe Daddy wanted to work something out for Momma’s care for the
night ahead.
Their time in the kitchen was short. Daddy
sat down and announced I couldn’t stay. I thought Ayden and Heath
were more stunned by his decision than me.
“She can’t stay, sir?” Ayden asked in
disbelief.
“No, she must come home with me after
dessert.”
Daddy didn’t look at me when he said that. I
didn’t know anything other than I was saddened and hurt.
“Maybe next year, Lillian,” he said, when he
finally looked my way. I lowered my head so the tears would drop
straight down on my dress and not run along my cheeks for everyone
to see, especially Heath, who sat across from me. The atmosphere
quickly went from cheerful to gloomy.
“If you don’t mind, could I be excused?” I
asked.
“Lillian, please stay for pudding,” Opal
kindly said.
“Please stay. You will really like it,” Ayden
added with great enthusiasm. It wasn’t until Heath asked that I
lifted my head, and quickly wiped my tears away.
“Stay,” was all he said. It was his pleading,
poignant one word that changed my mind.
In life there are times that are forever
memorable, moments that are worthy of keeping for one reason or
another. I would keep that moment close in my mind, especially when
I found myself all alone and desperately needing to be reminded of
what value I had.
Just as night began to fall, we filled the
hoops with candles and lit the tree. I had never seen anything so
beautiful. The glow from the candles made the beads glisten, and
the delicate glass ornaments threw off prisms of light all around
the room. Daddy had me say goodnight.
“I hope you get a really nice present from
Santa,” I said to Ayden.
I could see he felt terribly sorry for me.
Heath tried to smile, for my sake, but it did no use. I couldn’t
hold back my disappointment any longer and began to sob. I wanted
more than anything to be included, and to feel a part of something
other than the insanity of Momma and Daddy’s struggle to cope with
emotional torment. Every day, I had to face my bizarre reality and
find a way to live in a world that left me full of questions about
the secrets in Momma’s mind. Daddy wasn’t aware of the emotional
toll it had taken on me. He looked past my tears and ushered me
on.
“Momma is sleeping soundly. I don’t want you
to see her tonight,” he said when he came to tuck me into bed.
I was so angry with Daddy for not allowing me
to stay with the Daltons that I turned my cheek away when he was
about to give me a goodnight kiss. He was surprised. I thought he
might have stayed and talked about his decision, but he left, not
closing the door behind him. It wasn’t fair, I thought. I deserved
things that other children got to experience. I hadn’t realized how
different we really were until we moved to Jasper Island. We had
endlessly tried to stay hidden. That’s why Daddy chose to be a
lighthouse keeper—so he could stay in the shadows, far from the
eyes of the world and all the scrutiny and judgment that came with
it.