“How could you go through my things?” he
asked me with a tight, hurt voice. He didn’t wait for me to answer.
“I thought I could trust you,” he mumbled, and walked away, leaving
me standing there.
Ayden returned to find me in tears. “What
happened?”
“Heath. He found me with the poems.”
Ayden wanted to fix what had been done. He
was going right away to admit he had taken the poems and given them
to me.
“It wouldn’t change anything. Even if you
admit to taking them, he saw me reading them. I invaded his
privacy, and for that, I am sure Heath will never forgive me.”
I handed Ayden the papers to give back to
Heath. Heath would expect such childish behavior from Ayden, but
not that I would do such a horrible thing. I’d made a huge mistake,
one that would change the way Heath Dalton felt about me. Little
did he realize that his hurt killed me. At supper, Heath wouldn’t
even sit at the table with me. He asked to be excused.
“What’s wrong? Are you ill?” Opal asked.
“No, I just don’t feel up to eating. May I be
excused?” Heath shot me a look of revulsion. If he only realized I
hadn’t meant to hurt him.
“Go ahead, Heath,” Edward said.
Heath couldn’t avoid eating supper forever.
He needed time to calm down. I knew that was his way. Time always
healed Heath’s suffering. I figured by the first of the week, when
we were back in school, it would all be forgotten. I had no such
luck. Ayden tried to stand up for me; he hated the way Heath
ignored me.
“Lillian apologized to you, Heath. What more
can she do?” We were in the rowboat, on our way to school. I was
tired of the three of us bickering more than getting along.
“It’s all because of Clara. You have treated
Lillian badly ever since you went mad over Clara,” Ayden
shouted.
“You stay out of it,” Heath demanded.
“That’s enough!” I yelled. The two of them
stopped and stared, wide-eyed, at me.
“Ayden, your brother has every right to be
mad at me. And if he never speaks to me again, so be it.”
The row boat hit the shore, and I jumped out.
The water was freezing, but I didn’t care. I hurried through the
water. Ayden called for me, but I didn’t wait. I was truly beside
myself with Heath’s bitterness towards me. I couldn’t think of
anything but how he constantly threw me a scowl, just as Ayden used
to.
By the time I got to school, the bottom of my
dress had mostly dried, though my feet were still wet and freezing.
I took my seat, but immediately noticed Clara was absent. Heath and
Ayden sat down right after. When Heath saw Clara wasn’t beside me
in her usual place, he grew concerned. As class began and she
didn’t arrive, Heath raised his hand.
“Yes, Mr. Dalton?”
“If you don’t mind my asking, ma’am, might
you know why Clara is absent today?” All of the children
giggled.
“She didn’t tell you?” Miss Weatherbee asked,
her face twisted in confusion.
“Tell me what, ma’am?”
“Clara moved away, Heath.”
“Moved away?” Heath frowned in disbelief.
“That’s enough of this. Class has begun.
Betty, please recite your spelling words.”
Heath looked as though he’d lost his most
cherished possession. I felt bad for him. He tried so hard to fight
his tears, but they just kept streaming down his face.
Miss Weatherbee took notice. She came to him
and whispered, “Go get some fresh air.”
Heath scurried out and didn’t come back. When
we were dismissed for the day, Miss Weatherbee gave Ayden a note to
give to Opal and Edward. Ayden didn’t read it; he didn’t have to. I
asked everyone why Clara moved, but no one knew the reason. We all
suspected it was because of financial reasons. What else could it
have been? Maybe Heath went to find out. Hopefully, his parents
would understand.
“That’s if they find out,” Ayden said, and
tossed the letter into the harbor. Heath had enough to be
distraught about. He didn’t need Opal and Edward getting angry over
Heath’s departure from school.
Heath showed up in defeat. He got into the
boat and took the oars, then rowed us out onto the sea.
“Did you find out what happened to her?”
Ayden asked. Heath’s eyes were red from crying. I pitied him more
than ever. I’d never wanted him to love Clara, but I certainly
didn’t want to see him so devastated, either.
One of the rumors was that Clara and her
family left because they could no longer afford the farm. Another,
more ludicrous rumor, was that Clara’s mother had been a burlesque
dancer in years past, and when the truth was exposed, her father
packed them up and moved the entire family away. No one was able to
get to the truth of the matter. It left Heath unhappy and
despondent. During school, he kept to himself, and on the island,
after chores, he stayed alone. At supper, though all of us were
sympathetic, we couldn’t understand what he was going through. All
of us but Daddy. Daddy was perfectly aware of how troubled Heath
was and the pain that sheared into his heart. Daddy’s eyes were
full of sympathy and compassion, though Heath was utterly oblivious
to it.
We passed another new holiday for me. I
learned about Thanksgiving for the first time. At school we studied
the Pilgrims and Indians and how they gave thanks for what they had
and shared what they had in common. If only Heath had brought that
message home, maybe he would have smiled at our Thanksgiving feast.
Even Daddy managed to enjoy the holiday a little. Maybe it was
because it was all new to him and not something he had shared
before with Momma.
“This was a fine meal, Opal,” he said, then
sat back in his chair to light his pipe.
Opal had made a feast fit for kings. I’d
helped her cook a little, but what thrilled me most was that she
allowed me to bake an apple pie by myself. I had watched Momma for
years; I knew the recipe by heart. Daddy was amazed that it tasted
just like hers. Instead of being saddened by it, it brought a smile
to his face. Then he got the idea to bring Momma a piece. Her
appetite was better, and she’d gained some weight back, Daddy told
me. That was mostly due to Opal’s good cooking and unwavering
dedication. If he hadn’t had Opal to tend to so many of Momma’s
personal needs, I don’t know what Daddy would have done.
“Can I go with you, Daddy?”
I hadn’t seen Momma in weeks. I’d respected
Daddy’s wishes and stayed away. It was hard on nights when Daddy
was up in the tower and she was calling for him. All I could do was
cry myself to sleep.
“All right, Lillian, you can come with
me.”
I sliced Momma her piece of pie, and Opal
handed me a plate, then said with concern, “Don’t stay too
long.”
“I won’t.”
The pie was still warm from sitting on top of
the stove. Daddy pulled the key from his pocket, sighed heavily,
and opened the door. Momma was in a deep sleep. Daddy had to shake
her little to wake her. When her eyes opened, it took her a moment
to focus on Daddy.
“Sit up, Amelia; Lillian made you some pie.”
I moved closer. Daddy lifted her into a sitting position.
“Garrett, what day is it?” she asked in a
sleepy voice. Daddy gulped hard, not knowing what world she was
in.
“It’s Thursday, Amelia. It’s Thanksgiving.
Lillian has the piece of pie for you. Are you hungry, my
darling?”
She stared at him with blank eyes. It wasn’t
going as well as Daddy had hoped.
“I think it would be better if you go,
Lillian,” he said.
My heart sank. She was never going to change.
Daddy needed to accept it and allow me to have whatever there was
for Momma to offer.
“I won’t listen to anything she says, I
promise.” I needed him to see I was mature enough to handle
Momma.
“I just can’t,” he said, shaking his head. I
put my hand on his shoulder. He placed his hand on mine, then said,
“Not yet, Lillian.”
I couldn’t imagine what was holding him back,
what he feared from all of Momma’s gibberish.
Daddy took the pie and set it down, then came
and hugged me before I left him alone with her.
“In time, Lillian. Be patient.” I reluctantly
agreed.
It was Edward’s turn to man the tower, so I
knew Daddy would be staying with Momma for the rest of the night. I
went back to help Opal clean up after supper. Ayden was in the
lighthouse with his father, and Heath was returning from the well
with a bucket full of water. When he saw me, he left to go to stoke
the fire.
“I can do this. Why don’t you go talk with
Heath?” Opal said.
“He doesn’t want to talk with me,” I said
sadly.
“Whatever happened between you two, Heath
will forget and forgive. He is a sensitive soul. Sometimes too
sensitive and thin-skinned. Don’t give up on him. You are good for
him. Though you are years younger, in many ways, you are also years
ahead of Heath. And you two are more alike than different.”
“Ever since Clara—” I mumbled and lowered my
head.
Opal made me turn and face her then lifted my
chin. “Look at me.” I looked deep into her eyes. “Heath is a young
man now; he is beginning to see the world differently. His
priorities have changed. He no longer wants to play the same way
you and Ayden do. It’s natural; it’s the way God intends it to be.
But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t value you as a person and a
friend.”
“But it all happened so fast, practically
overnight,” I cried.
“I know. And it will for you. In a few years,
you will understand what I am telling you.”
This wasn’t all new to me. Momma had revealed
many details about men to me. Some fascinated me, while what Daddy
warned left me frightened to death. Opal’s advice was somewhere in
the middle. I did as she suggested and went to Heath. She gave me
the courage to face his resentment towards me. I did it because I
loved him, as a friend and as a young man who I thought would make
a wonderful husband for me someday—someday, when I had blossomed
from a little girl into a beautiful young lady, just as Clara had
been. Then Heath’s eyes would light up when he saw me; his eyes
would linger on my bosom the same way they did with Clara.
Heath had just finished putting another log
on the fire when he noticed me.
“Please, don’t leave. Please listen for one
minute,” I begged. I approached him and took hold of his hands. He
refused to meet my eyes.
“I made a terrible mistake, Heath. I regret
reading your poems, and I ask for your forgiveness. I promise I
will never do any such thing again.” It felt good to at least try
to win his affections back.
“Why did you do it?”
Heath wanted to know why, but there was no
way I could confess my reasons. My longing to have him like me the
way he did Clara needed to be kept to myself. If I told him, he
would laugh and call me a silly little girl. After all, I was still
physically a little girl.
“When Ayden handed them to me, I didn’t
realize what they were. I didn’t know they were your poems,” I
lied. I wasn’t doing a very good job; I could see he didn’t believe
me.
“It doesn’t matter now. She’s gone,” he said
flatly.
“Maybe she will write to you,” I said—the
most encouragement I could muster. I wanted to sound enthusiastic
and optimistic for his benefit. I wanted to be the friend he once
turned to.
“Maybe. I accept your apology, Lillian.” Then
he dropped his hands. Though he forgave me, Heath wasn’t going to
forget how I betrayed him. He didn’t need me the way I still needed
him. His childhood was slipping away and leaving him perplexed by
all the changes that came with it. Heath’s voice had deepened since
his fifteenth birthday; he had begun to shave every morning with
his father. He had also grown a few inches taller, passing both
Daddy and Edward in height, making him over six feet tall. And then
there were his emotional growing pains. Heath had never been in
love before; those deep emotions were foreign to him. He was just
beginning to find his way to figuring it all out when Clara
disappeared from his life. Now he was confused. What would he do
with all the newfound passion? Where would he focus all of that
intense energy? There wasn’t a girl that could replace Clara, at
least not then. Heath would have to wait years before he was again
given the opportunity to love.
_______________
The last of the occasional warm autumn days
ended abruptly, leaving the island covered in a blanket of thick
snow. Out on the sea, enormous icebergs began to form, creating all
kinds of hazards for the vessels that inhabited the North Atlantic.
Daddy and Edward had more than enough rescues during the first part
of December to keep them busy. Vessels were constantly thrashed
around by enormous swells, some even broken in half, only to be
sucked down into the frigid sea. By some great fortune, there was
no loss of life. One winter storm in particular lasted for three
days and dropped a foot of snow under blizzard conditions. There
was no way to reach the mainland to attend school. We couldn’t go
outside, except to do our chores as quickly as possible. While
Daddy was working days on end up in the tower, I was left with
strict instructions to watch over Momma. Opal couldn’t manage the
house and Momma while Edward and the boys were off doing rescues,
so Daddy came to me.
He took out my hand and gently placed the key
in my palm. I could see his reluctance, but what could he do? Momma
needed looking after. I was happy to do it.
“Please, Lillian, do as I say. Only go in to
help her eat and empty her chamber pot. That’s it. I know you miss
your momma, but your company will not be received the way it once
was. Don’t pay her any mind.”
Daddy had left Momma in my care for the first
time in months. Though he was extremely reluctant, he had no
choice. The doctor had been by just before the last storm broke,
gave Daddy the same medicines, and recommended the same treatment.
Bed rest and more bed rest.