Bound by Honor Bound by Love (10 page)

He cupped the side of her face with
his hand and lowered his head so he could kiss her. She responded
to him, her love for him urging her to welcome him, hoping he’d
possessed her completely as he had their first time together. His
lips were soft, his tongue gentle as it brushed hers. She let out a
low moan and deepened the kiss.

Holding her close to him, he let go of
her face and traced the length of her body, caressing the side of
her breast and then curved her hip. His movements were sure and
swift as he brought her leg over his waist, urging her to get on
top. Her body ached for him with almost the same intensity that her
heart ached for him. Certainly, his heart ached for her as well?
He’d told her he loved her on their wedding night. But that seemed
so long ago. Still, she had to have a place of prominence in his
life—the most important one since she was his wife?

He shifted her hips so that her
sensitive nub was stroking his erection. Even as she wanted to take
it slow, to revel in the experience of being stroked and caressed
by him, his arousal throbbed in anticipation against her in silent
urgency, and she wanted to meet his needs. Perhaps they’d take
their time tomorrow and savor this process.

She studied his face in the dim
firelight that filtered through the edges of the hide that granted
them privacy from the rest of the lodge. His eyes were closed, his
eyebrows furrowed as if he was focusing on something. Though he
rocked her hips and groaned, she noticed that he bit his lower lip.
He’d whispered to her before. Was he trying not to whisper now? But
she wanted him to whisper to her, to tell her the sweet things he’d
said before, about how important she was to him.

He shifted under her and brought his
hand between them so he could guide his erection into her. Then his
thumb settled over her sensitive nub, and he stroked it. He’d
brought her to climax this way on the night he’d returned from
seeking his vision. They’d made love three times that night, and
she’d felt enveloped in the warmth of his love each
time.

She rocked her hips, noting how he
felt inside her as he stroked her core. She wanted to reach the
peak, if for no other reason than because he wished it for her.
Still studying his expression, she whispered, “I’m glad you’re my
husband.”

He stilled for a moment, and his hand
on her hip tightened. His grip didn’t hurt, but it told her that
her words had a strange effect on him. She wondered about it and
wondered why he didn’t respond in kind. He’d been free with his
words before. Why did he hold back now?

Keeping his eyes closed, he resumed
his thrusting. He caressed her sensitive nub once more, but she
knew it wasn’t going to happen. He was here with her, making love
to her…and yet, he wasn’t. She didn’t know what to think. All she
could do was work with him to ensure he’d peak. It didn’t take
long. He grew taut and spilled his seed into her soon enough, and
she watched him as he came. He gritted his teeth in a way that made
her think he wanted to say something but held back. Why didn’t he
want to tell her he loved her? She wanted him to say it, longed for
him to. But he didn’t.

He relaxed and began rubbing her
sensitive nub, and though she realized he wanted to bring her to
completion, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t an orgasm she was after,
and she didn’t dare tell him this. Instead, she pretended to have
one, gasping and clutching his shoulders as she’d done in the past.
He was soft and outside her body now, so he wouldn’t realize her
core wasn’t clenching around him. He seemed satisfied and stopped
stroking her nub. She was ready to get off of him when he opened
his eyes and cupped her face in his hands. He brought her mouth to
his and kissed her, his lips gentle and warm.

When the kiss ended, he made eye
contact with her and opened his mouth. She sensed he wanted to say
something, but he closed his mouth and brought her into his arms.
She wished he said whatever was on his mind. Even if it was
something she didn’t want to hear, at least she’d know what he was
thinking.

Soon, his breathing grew regular, and
she realized he’d fallen back to sleep. She sighed, unsure of what
she could do. Right now, she couldn’t do anything so she closed her
eyes and waited until she finally drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Eight

The next morning after Citlali left
for the chief’s lodge, Onawa went to Julia’s lodge. Chogan and
Julia sat close together by the fire, Chogan holding one child
while Julia held the other. Their heads were bowed together, and
she laughed at something he said before he kissed her.

A sting of envy pricked Onawa’s heart.
Julia shared an intimacy with Chogan that she might never know with
Citlali. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Woape and Gary
shared a similar intimacy, and if she judged it right, Julia’s aunt
was developing a similar bond with her father. Everyone, it seemed,
was close to the one they loved except for her.

One of Chogan’s aunts came over to
her. “Onawa, it’s nice to see you. Did you come to see
Julia?”

“
Yes.”

“
Here, I’ll take your robe,
and you can go to the fire and warm up. The winds are bitter
today.”

Onawa shrugged out of her buffalo robe
and handed it to Chogan’s aunt. “Thank you.”

As his aunt hung her robe on a hook,
Onawa went to the fire and waited for Julia and Chogan to welcome
her before she sat next to Julia.

She leaned forward and patted the
children’s heads. “They’re so good.”

Julia chuckled. “You weren’t here
earlier this morning when they were creating a big fuss. They’re
always quiet whenever you’re around.”

“
Then we need her to move
into this lodge,” Chogan teased. “I’ll leave so the two of you can
talk.”

“
I’ll hold him,” Onawa
said, holding her arms out.

Chogan nodded and placed the baby in
her arms. He kissed Julia’s cheek and then stood up to go to the
space in the lodge dedicated to the males whenever they wanted to
be alone.

Turning her attention back to Julia,
she cuddled the baby and grinned. “I enjoy holding
babies.”

“
You’ll hold one of your
own soon,” Julia said.

Onawa knew Julia was right. At least
she’d have a child she’d love and care for. It was something she’d
longed for since she learned of her engagement to Citlali. She’d
also hoped for Citlali to sit next to her by the fire while she
held their child, and Citlali would say something to make her laugh
then kiss her the way Chogan had just kissed Julia. But Citlali
never told a joke and the only time he kissed her was when they
were making love.

“
What’s wrong?” Julia
asked.

Onawa brushed Dakota’s cheek, noting
the way he smiled in response and grinned at him. Turning her
attention back to Julia, she ventured, “Do you think Citlali cares
more for his duty to the tribe than me?”

Julia’s eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t
understand. I thought Citlali told you he loves you.”

“
He did, but that was on
our wedding night. He hasn’t said it since, and,” she shrugged, “I
sense he’s holding something back.”

“
Like what?”

“
I don’t know. Maybe he
doesn’t love me after all and is afraid to tell me?”

“
I don’t think he’d say he
loved you unless he meant it. He’s much too careful with his words
to say something in haste.”

She wanted nothing more than for Julia
to be right, but then how could she explain Citlali’s recent
behavior when they made love? “I wonder if he regrets saying it,”
she whispered, figuring that was as close to the truth as she could
say. “I don’t even know him. Not really. We grew up in this tribe,
but he’d spent most of his time with the chief or in the white
man’s town to secure things we needed in the tribe. He’s a good
man. I know he is. But I never realized how much I didn’t know him.
I just know him as the man who’ll one day be the first
chief.”

“
I see. Well, what you two
need is time away from this tribe. You need to get Citlali away
from the chief. When he’s not close to the chief, it’s like he’s
another person.”

“
Is he?”

“
He was when he helped
Chogan find me. Chogan said that when he was weak, Citlali put
aside his notion of what was right or wrong for the tribe and
focused on what was right for the people who needed help. And at
that time, Chogan and I were the ones who needed him.”

Onawa contemplated what she’d just
said as she set Dakota on her lap so he was sitting up, his head
and back resting against her chest. “So you think I should ask
Citlali to spend a few days with me outside the tribe?”

“
I think that’s a good
idea. You have to separate Citlali from the chief to better
understand him.” After a moment’s silence, she added, “You know
Chogan and I don’t like the chief.”

She nodded.

“
The chief doesn’t like the
fact that Chogan married me because I’m not Mandan, and he won’t
forgive Chogan for not taking a second wife.”

Onawa winced. “I’m sorry, Julia.” She
used to take for granted that the men often took more than one
wife, but she didn’t like the idea of sharing Citlali with another
woman, which was why she was glad when Woape, her only sister,
married someone else. She took for granted that meant Citlali
wouldn’t marry someone else, but what if the chief asked him to
marry another woman so Citlali could have more children to carry on
the Mandan line?

“
Chogan has a nice spot
picked out for our house,” Julia said, bringing her attention back
to her. “He’ll secure the land next month, and he, Gary, and your
brother will help him build it. It won’t be big, but it’ll suit us
much better than living here.”

“
Do you think the chief
doesn’t like having white people in the tribe?” Onawa hadn’t asked
the question before, but since Julia was confiding in her, she
needed to know how a white person saw the chief.

Julia didn’t answer right away, but
when she did, the hurt expression on her face told her all she
needed to know. “The chief doesn’t like having me or my children in
this tribe. He never approved of Chogan marrying me because I’m not
a full-blooded Mandan. To him, being a Mandan by birth is the most
important thing a person can be.”

“
And Citlali? Do you think
he’s the same way?”

“
Not anymore.”

She wondered what Julia meant by that
and what changed his mind, but Dakota fussed in her lap so she
turned her attention back to the baby. “I’ll hold Tate while you
feed Dakota.”

Julia nodded and they switched babies.
Then their conversation turned to less serious matters.

***

That evening as Onawa ate, she studied
Citlali. He sat on one side of her while Amata sat on her other
side. Though she knew her focus was supposed to be on Amata who was
talking to her, she kept glancing at Citlali. She couldn’t be sure,
but she suspected something was troubling him.

“
Are you hoping for a boy
or a girl?” Amata asked over the conversations around
them.

“
I don’t care as long as
the baby is healthy,” Onawa replied, looking in Citlali’s
direction. “Do you have a preference?”

He paused with his spoon halfway to
his mouth and turned his gaze to her. “What?”

With a sigh, she asked, “Would you
like the child to be a boy or a girl?”

“
Since Mandan women
outnumber the Mandan men, I hope we have a boy,” he said before he
ate the soup.

Amata laughed. “My brother is always
practical.”

“
You asked the question, so
I give my answer.” He placed the empty bowl in front of him and
stood up. “I must go to the chief,” he told Onawa.

Onawa quickly placed her bowl down and
followed him as he headed for the entrance. She called out after
him, and he stopped. Since his family stopped talking to look over
at them, she turned to him and softly asked, “Can I talk to you
outside?”

Without a glance in his family’s
direction, he nodded and led her outside. Once they were safely out
of earshot of anyone, he waited for her to speak.

Determined to follow Julia’s advice,
she took a deep breath. “I’d like to leave the tribe for a couple
of days with you. We can go to the place where you usually seek a
vision. It’d be just the two of us.”

His shoulders dropped. “I can’t. Not
right now. The chief is about to make an important decision, and he
asked me to come back as soon as I finished eating.”

“
We don’t have to leave
now. We can leave tomorrow or next week?”

“
I’m sorry, but I can’t. I
have to be here. Right now is a critical time in our
tribe.”

Her countenance fell. Just how was she
supposed to get him away from the chief when he kept running off to
him all the time?

He stepped toward her and kissed her.
“I wish I could, but I can’t. I really am sorry.”

Had she not been so startled by his
kiss, she would have insisted he leave with her if he truly was as
sorry as he claimed. But since she was startled, she didn’t utter a
single word as he headed toward the chief’s lodge. She couldn’t
remember a time when she felt more defeated. As she turned around
to face the lodge, she gave a slight jerk back. How long had Ukiah
been watching? Did he hear everything?