Bluegrass State of Mind (19 page)

"You cook a lot of
Italian?"

Noodle let out a belly laugh. "No
Ma'am, noodling is when I try to catch catfish with my bare hands.
I find their nest and try to lure them out with my fingers. When
they open their mouth to bite, I grab them just like a hook and
pull them out."

He was joking, right? Kenna gave the
smile she gave to the crazy people she met on the subways with a
standard, "Oh, that's nice," response.

"I'll have to bring you out to our
next competition. There will also be a carp shoot. There's usually
a big turnout for that. Well, you'll want to get on in here. I'll
be in there with you today, so just signal me if you need
anything." He opened the doors before she could ask what the hell a
carp shoot was.

Kenna walked into her new home and
looked around. She would be spending a lot of time in this room. It
was large with an ornate ceiling and crown molding. A large
polished wooden bench stood at the far end. She had come in a few
times to observe, but now she felt like she was part of the room.
Part of what the flags stood for, part of the Great Seal of
Kentucky hanging above the bench. She had to walk through the
public seating, then past the front tables and jury box where
attorneys sat for motion hour. It surprised her to notice that
there were fewer women here than in New York. In fact, there were
no other women besides the Clerks. Heads started turning to check
out the new girl and she saw many sly smiles from attorneys she
assumed her an easy target.

Henry gave her a little wave from
where he was sitting at one of the tables. Henry suddenly became
the cool kid in class that all the other kids wanted to sit by.
Kenna waved back and went to meet Tom at the podium slightly to the
right of the bench. He had a table placed slightly to the side
piled with files he was putting in order.

“
Good morning,
Tom.”

“
Ah, good morning,
McKenna. I thought we’d try the sink or swim method. I am sure you
are used to it.”

Kenna nodded. Unfortunately she was
familiar with it. The sink or swim method was when an older
attorney would hand off a case, or in this instance, lots of cases.
They stick you in front of a judge and tell you to go at it with no
instruction or explanation. The lawyer either ends up making a huge
mistake that gets them in trouble with the judge or the lawyer
manages to bullshit long enough to read the case file to figure out
what was going on. In Kenna’s opinion, the practice was horrible.
But for some reason, it was commonplace for a partner to be running
late for a tee time, hand an associate a file in the courtroom, and
say “handle this” just before the case is called before the
judge.

Kenna looked to the stack of about
twenty files and sighed.

“
Come on over here and
meet Judge Cooper. He’s back in chambers, but is expecting you.”
Tom led Kenna around the bench and through a door. She entered a
room filled with law books and saw a bushy man in his late sixties
sitting behind a huge desk.

“
Good morning, Tom. So
this is your new girl." Turning to Kenna, he introduced himself,
"Bert Cooper, nice to meet you.”

“
McKenna Mason. It’s nice
to meet you too, Judge Cooper.” Kenna looked him over and liked
what she saw. He had big, bushy gray brows that sat over thick
glasses that made his eyes appear to take up his whole face. His
rounded belly give him both a jovial and authoritative appearance
at the same time.

“
We will get along fine as
long as you do just a few things,” he said as Kenna nodded in
response. “Don’t interrupt anyone. I know big city lawyers like to
come in here and espouse some great legal theory in long prose. But
it’s for me to interrupt, not you. Secondly, know your law, Miss
Mason. I won’t tolerate you adding incorrect charges or citing the
wrong statute. I know you’re new, so I recommend you bring your
copy of penal code with you. I will give you a moment to consult it
if needed and prefer you to do so instead of guessing. Lastly, if
you don’t know something, say so. Nothing I can abide less that
someone making shit up to see what flies. If you can manage to do
that, then we’ll get along just fine. You have any questions for
me, Miss Mason?”

Kenna had to bite the inside of her
lip to stop from laughing. While Judge Cooper was giving the
speech, his eyebrows were wagging and flopping around making him
look like an excited Old English Sheepdog.

“
No sir. I am sure I will
think of some questions after I get my feet wet. Thank you for
helping me adjust to your courtroom.”

Tom led her back into the courtroom
and over to the stack of files “From nine to nine thirty is plea
bargain time. Come by the office when you’re done and let me know
how it went.”

Kenna glanced at her watch and saw
that it was just a couple of minutes to nine. The men in the room
were looking anxious to begin. She got the docket from the Clerk
and started putting case files in order.

“
You about ready for us
little lady? We don’t have all morning, you know,” a defense
attorney said from his slouched pose in a chair.

“
I don’t know, Randy. You
know women can never be on time. The more you hurry them along, the
longer they take.” A man from the jury box shouted.

“
You running on Big City
time?” yet another man called out.

Sink or swim. “Listen up, boys. I will
call you up in order of the docket to discuss any plea bargains.
Come prepared and come quickly, something many of you should have
no problem with. So, it shouldn’t be too hard for you all to get
used to. We’ll discuss the case, you will put forth any argument
for a reduction in sentence, and then I will decide if we’ll take
it. If so, we’ll go before the judge with the agreement. If not,
you and your client will stick around until after the agreements
and we’ll have a hearing. Got it?” She looked out over the sea of
men and found some scoffs, but quite a few nodding
heads.

“
All rise!” Noodle yelled.
The thirty minute plea bargain time had flown by and before she
knew it, Judge Cooper stepped up to the bench and sat down. The
plea bargains were addressed rapidly, leaving only a couple to be
heard before the judge. The first case was a simple destruction of
property case involving high school Seniors spray painting the
school. Some of the boys had accepted pleas, but one wanted to
present evidence that he was at the school running on the track at
the time and had nothing to do with it. Though some of the boys
caught red-handed still pointed fingers at him. The result was
three months probation with 75 hours of community service. His
record would be cleared at the end of the three months if he
completed the terms of the Court Order. Kenna was pleased, but her
pleasure short lived as she picked up the last file. One more to
go, then she could take a breath.

“
11-C-A190, State versus
Tony Chapman. All parties and witnesses come forward to be heard.”
Noodle announced and gave a little wink to Kenna.

The parties were sworn in and Kenna
knew this was going to be interesting. Her witness was a priest and
a fourth grade special needs teacher. The defense’s witness were
the alleged criminal, who looked a lot like a twenty-five year old
version of the geeky characters Anthony Michael Hall played, and
his wife, a very stern looking woman with black hair pulled tightly
into a bun. She was pretty. But with her baggy clothes and no
make-up, she looked more like fifty than thirty.

“
Miss Mason, you may begin
your questioning.” Judge Cooper said with a flick of his
wrist.

“
Good morning, Mr.
Chapman. Could you tell us where you were at twelve o’clock on the
afternoon of March 4th.”

Tony looked down to his feet, “I
stopped by Saint Francis for my lunch break.”

“
What were you doing at
Saint Francis?”

“
I went for
confession.”

“
Did you get to speak to
Father James?

“
No, he wasn’t
available.”

“
So, what did you decide
to do then?”

“
I waited for him in the
confessional until he showed up.”

“
That’s all you did, Mr.
Chapman?”

“
Um, yes?”

Kenna waved to Father James and had
him step forward. “Father, do you remember the day Mr. Chapman came
to see you for confession?”

“
Yes Ma’am.”

“
Can you tell us what
happened that day?”

“
I was giving a tour of
the church when we approached the confessional. I was going to
demonstrate how confession was done. When I opened the door to find
Mr. Chapman occupying the room.”

“
And what was Mr. Chapman
doing in the confessional?”

“
He had his pants pulled
down and was, um. How do I say this? He was enjoying his own
company, so to say.”

“
Then what happened,
Father?”

“
One of the children
screamed, scaring Mr. Chapman.”

“
Excuse me Father,
children?”

“
Yes I was giving a tour
to the special needs children of the Saint Francis Middle
School.”

“
And one of the children
saw Mr. Chapman exposed?”

“
More than one did. One of
the children screamed when she saw a man in the confessional. He
jumped up, his pants falling to the floor and fully exposing
himself to all the children and the teacher.”

“
What did Mr. Chapman do
then?”

“
He took the Lord’s name
in vain, asked the teacher, Miss Benson, if she wanted to take his
confession. He took off when I told him I was going to call his
wife if he didn’t leave right then.”

“
So, Mr. Chapman not only
masturbated in the confessional, he then openly exposed himself to
the teacher and a class full of students… special needs
students?”

“
That’s right.”

“
Thank you, Father. Do you
have any questions?” She asked as she turned to defense
council.

“
Actually, your honor, we
would not dispute the testimony from Father James. But we do offer
a defense.”

Judge Cooper and Kenna simultaneously
turned to attorney.

“
You have a legal defense
that allows your client to whack off in church? In the presence of
a priest, a teacher, and special needs children? I would love to
hear it if you do,” Judge Cooper said, bushy eyebrows
wagging.

“
I would like to introduce
Mrs. Chapman as evidence” said the opposing counsel.

Kenna couldn’t contain a snort and
noticed Judge Cooper's eyebrows were bouncing in repressed
laughter.

“
Mrs. Chapman and Mr.
Chapman married five years ago. Since their marriage, Mrs. Chapman
went from an everyday college student to a strictly religious,
overbearing wife. She refuses Mr. Chapman sex. Refuses to allow him
to masturbate at home. Refused to pay for internet service after
she discovered him watching porn. And has created a hostile living
environment leaving Mr. Chapman no other option but to seek his
pleasures elsewhere. Mrs. Chapman has even tried to have him
committed for an addiction to sex, all because she found one
magazine in his car. Mr. Chapman has not had sexual relations with
his wife in three years and masturbation is the only way to stay
true to his vows. By his wife taking away all sexual stimuli, Mr.
Chapman has not been in his right mind. And as such, cannot be
found guilty.”

Kenna noted the silence in the
courtroom, “State rests, your honor.” She took a big step back and
decided she'd let Judge Cooper handle this one.

Judge Cooper stared at Mr. Chapman and
his attorney.

“
Son, that’s the stupidest
thing I have ever heard. Your wife withholding sex isn’t an excuse
just to whip it out whenever you want. Hell, if that was the case,
every married man would expose themselves in public at some point.
In this case, it’s just you. I sentence you to three days in jail
and counseling. Obviously, I can’t order your wife to attend with
you, but would strongly advise it. A word of advice: I’d make sure
you keep it in your pants for those three days. Also, I want a
letter of apology written to the teacher and also to the parents of
the children within two weeks. That’s all folks. Let’s
lunch.”

Kenna wanted to check in at the office
before going to lunch, so she crossed the street at the stop light
and waved to the courthouse patrons filling the Blossom Cafe before
turning left and heading up to her office.

“
How’d it go?” Tammy was
sitting on her desk, her pixie hair highlighted in pastel purple
this week. Kenna leaned against the desk and told her about her
plea deals and the two trials. “You mean Father James, accompanied
by a whole group of special needs children, caught him with his
pants down?” Tammy placed a hand over her mouth and tried to stop
laughing. “I know I shouldn’t laugh, but I just can’t help
it.”

Tammy’s laughter was contagious and
Kenna found herself trying to imitate Judge Cooper for her. It
reminded Kenna of the days she would come back from court and
dissect the case with Danielle. Quieting some, Kenna made her
excuses and went back to her office to check her email.