Blue (Darkness Falls #3) (18 page)

“Yeah, I’m cool.” He tried to shake it off. “She’ll come around. The crash has been pretty hard on her.” Why the hell was he explaining himself to a stranger? “Can I just have the bill?”

“Sure.” The guy rushed off and within a few minutes Blue had paid for their unfinished meals and left in search of a cab.
All the way to The Manor he stewed over her words, knowing that she’d meant the sentiment, if not the setting. When he arrived, he paid the cabbie and climbed the steps, but then he just stopped in the hall. He just didn’t know where to go. His room was wrecked and reminded him too much of her anyway. It wasn’t warm enough to sit in the rose garden. He was too unsettled to sit in the library and he really wasn’t in the mood to take stick from Storm about the mess Alexandra had constructed.

“That’s the face of a man who needs to talk.” Cal’s voice came from above and Blue looked up to find the Master heading down the stairs towards him. “Come into my office, Blue. Tell me what’s troubling you.”

“Noelle said some things today that unsettled me.” He admitted, following Cal through to his office. Too agitated to sit, he found himself resting on the window ledge in the spot he’d seen Noelle standing when she was too restless to be seated. “She says we can’t be together because I can’t differentiate my attitude between being in the play room and being in the home setting.”

“Why does this unsettle you?” Blue wanted to ask him if he was serious, but thought better of it. The master was a shrewd counsellor. If he was asking, it was because he needed Blue to work it out for himself.

“Because I don’t think it’s true, but I guess I’m scared it is.” He crossed his arms, feeling defensive. “When I’m in Master mode I feel completely different. It’s deep and intense and I know I’m not like that all the time.”

“But…?” Cal prompted when Blue trailed off.

“What if she’s right that I’m always playing alpha in the room because I’m not secure enough in myself to allow anyone else the control?”

“The control that you exert over your interactions with her come
s from a different place to your feelings when being a Master?” Cal clarified and Blue nodded.

“I don’t even know I’m doing it with her. It’s not a conscious decision. It’s just instinct. I have her in my hands and I want to take her and protect her and make her mine in every way. I want to possess every part of her and I know that doesn’t sound healthy, but it’s the way she makes me feel.”

“Are you sure that’s not because you don’t have any frame of reference for what a healthy loving relationship should be like?”

The question totally blindsided him and he reeled, feeling off-balance. Cal was so right. He hadn’t had a single relationship at any stage in his life that could be considered healthy. His mother had been a whore, neither Cal nor Storm had ever had a long term relationship for him to observe and his only lengthy attachment had been to the psychotic bitch that was stalking him.
Even the father-son relationship he had with Cal was skewed wildly towards the Master having control. Was it any wonder that he thought love was about being a possession?

“I just…” He blinked away tears of frustration, refusing to cry over it. “I don’t know how else to be, Cal. I don’t know how to switch it off and learn to be normal.”

“It takes time.” Cal shrugged. “It takes patience and humility and a partner that’s prepared to weather the odd bump in the road. But if you can persuade Red to be that person, she’ll be the best person you could hope for to lead you down that road.”

“Why? Why her?”

“Because she’s been there.” Cal smiled, as if to say it was as simple as that. “People who have walked the path before you are the only ones that know how it feels to face your ugly truths. The realisation that you’re in a destructive cycle of behaviour and that the things you thought were your strengths are in fact your weaknesses is a difficult one to accept. You’ll have doubts and fears that I can push you through on your own, but she’ll be able to lead where I can’t.”

“I hate that she’s not here.” Anger surged, sudden and hot. “I hate that this is all happening. I just want to make things right.”

“Well there are these things called phones, you know?” Cal smirked, a rare burst of sarcasm lighting his features. “They’ve been around for a while. Most useful…”

“I get it.” Knowing he was being dismissed, Blue pushed away from the windowsill and headed for the door, but he stopped before he got there. “Cal, I don’t think I ever thanked you for saving me from Alexandra.”

“You didn’t need to, son.” Was it Blue’s imagination or had Cal’s voice gone gravelly?

“No, I really do. You saved me and I’ve been grateful for it every day that I’ve been here, even when I’ve been an arrogant and rebellious prick.”

“I’ve never regretted it.” Cal smiled. “You’re family, in every sense of the word. Some things are thicker than blood.”

“I just wanted you to know.” Swallowing the lump in his throat, Blue left the room before he embarrassed himself
any more and went to find a telephone.

Red wasn’t answering and B
lue paced his room, wondering if she was ignoring her phone, ignoring him specifically, or if she was just too busy with the girls. She’d promised them movies and pampering. If she was up to her elbows in nail varnish and face masks, she wasn’t going to be able to come to the phone, but not knowing was driving him crazy. He should be with her, not here, trying to draw out his ex.

Cal left to go and visit around seven and Blue had to take himself for a bath, knowing that if he was anywhere near the front door he’d just get into Cal’s car and go with him.
One of the house staff had left dinner on his dresser when he emerged, but he pushed it around the plate. He wasn’t hungry, just restless and agitated. If the Master was telling her off over her refusal to take her pain meds, she was going to be furious with him for dropping her in it so maybe tonight wasn’t the best night to keep trying to call her. Maybe he could call one of the others instead.

Flicking through his phone, he was pleased to see he had numbers for Thomas and James and guessed that one or other had entered them in for him in case there was some sort of emergency. He knew he’d never asked for James’ number but
given Noelle’s response to his injuries, it looked like the sub was going to become something of a permanent fixture in Blue’s life too, so he was glad he had it.

He dialled and James answered, sounding flustered. “Hello?”

“James, it’s me. I was just checking that everything’s okay.”

“We’re fine, Master. Um…can I call you back? I’m…Amelie!” There was a sound like splashing water and then the phone went dead.

“Sure, no problem.” Blue replied to the flat tone and put the phone back in his pocket. He should have remembered it was bath time and hoped the sub hadn’t dropped his phone in the bath. If he had, Blue would have to get him a new one.

This was driving him crazy. He paced around his room like a caged animal until there was a loud banging on his door. He flung it open. “What?”

“Will you quite fucking pacing!” Storm snapped up at him, irritation painting her delicate features. “The squeaking floorboards are driving me crazy!”

“Yeah? Well that makes two of us.” He shut the door in her face but pacing had lost its charm and he slumped on the end of the bed. Fucking Alexandra. Why did she have to mess everything up now?

He was into his second hour of feeling sorry for himself when his phone chirped with an incoming text. Hoping it was from Red he grabbed it straight away, but it was from James. Well that answered the question about his phone not being broken. It was a picture message and Blue couldn’t help but smile at the screen. Red hadn’t been kidding when she said they’d hang the bedding over the four poster like a tent canopy. They’d even strung up fairy lights and she was crashed out underneath it, fast asleep, with both girls in her arms. Thomas was curled up around their feet and Blue couldn’t even find the heart to feel like that was weird. He was just family.

Another text came through. “Just thought you’d want to see them happy and safe. Come home soon. We all miss you. Will text when it’s safe to call in the morning.”

Of course…the stupid bloody camera crew. With everyone thinking they were fighting, he couldn’t risk a lovey dovey phone call with Red. He could call the guys, but they could leave the room. Red was being followed everywhere. Once again he cursed the really crap timing of this disaster.

“I miss you all too.” He texted back. “Keep my girls safe and happy.”

“Yes, Master.” Came the swift reply and he smiled. At least he had one ally in the house. Tossing his phone on the bed, he stretched his limbs, trying to ease muscles that had been tense all day. His chest ached. Not being around his new family was like a phantom pain in an amputated limb. If Alexandra didn’t make her move soon, he was going to go out there looking for her.

The next day was an exercise in patience and futility. After a couple of hours spent pacing around the building like a caged tiger, he went to work his frustrations out in the gym. He went hard at it until lunchtime when he was too exhausted to lift another weight and his muscles were screaming at him to stop.

“This isn’t a good tactic.” Cal warned
over lunch, disapproval on his face. “The bitch isn’t going to go down quietly. How are you going to restrain her if you can’t even raise your arms?”

“You know me.” Blue shrugged, ignoring the ache of his shoulders. “I’ve never been very good at waiting.”

“Is it the waiting that’s bothering you, or the conversation we had yesterday?” Cal was blunt and even Storm looked a little shocked.

“Don’t hold back, Cal. Give it to me straight.” Blue tried to make light of it
but he was man enough to admit that the Master had hit a raw nerve. He still forged on with ignoring it anyway. “No, it’s not the conversation we had yesterday. That whole bowl of spaghetti is being set aside until after this is over.”

“I don’t think you can afford to set it aside.” Cal set down his knife and fork. “If you are truly holding on to your insecurity in this way, you give Alexandra power over you. What would you do if she walked in right now, this very moment?”

“Honestly?” Blue sighed. “I’d get the fuck out of here and let you deal with her.”

“And why is that?” Cal asked, over Storm’s snort of disbelief.

“Because you’re right; she won’t come easily and, for all that she did to me, I have this crazy Pavlovian response built into my system. Hurting her would be anathema.” The admission hurt his pride and he felt he had to qualify it. “I would do it though. If you weren’t there and there was no other option, I’d take her out.”

“But you would hesitate and that’s all she’d need to worm her way into the cracks in your heart.” Cal sighed. “Promise me you will attend to this fear of yours.”

Blue had no idea how one attended to a fear, but he could at least think it over. “I promise.”

Thomas sent him a video in the afternoon. The girls were outside having the promised popcorn fight, hurling handfuls of it at each other as they ducked around and behind the landscaped bushes and shrubs in Noelle’s beautiful garden. They were laughing and the sun was shining and Blue played the whole clip half a dozen times before he could respond to thank the sub for the kind thought.

It made him view Noelle in a whole new light. He’d understood the half of her fight to normality that was to do with her kink. He’d helped her work through it, been instrumental in creating the powerful yet complex Mistress that she was. He’d never asked her about her sessions with Cal, but the current situation was making him look at their early days together in a whole new light. He’d known what Gabriel was capable of and thought he understood what she was going through, but she’d let it all go and he couldn’t comprehend that.

As though of their own volition, his feet took him down to the play room where she had asked him to give her back to herself. She’d been so damn brave, taking every single thing that Gabriel had made her fear and breaking it. She had set no limitations and had refused a safe word. It had all been about the trust.

It was a revelation. He thought he’d understood it then. He thought it had been about reclaiming herself and the parts of her that had belonged to her dead lover. A lot of it was about that, about
giving the things that had been Gabriel’s territory alone to someone else, but he was realising now that a lot of it was also about the trust.

She had trusted Gabriel and he had broken her
trust. He’d forced her into depraved situations, manipulating her until she didn’t know which way was up. That was the crux of the problem. She had trusted and her trust had been shattered. The bravery of her coming in here wasn’t that she had submitted or that she had reclaimed the things that had scarred her emotionally, it was that she had trusted him. She had put her faith in Blue and trusted him not to fail her or harm her. He had taken that trust and solidified it, proving to her that it was okay to give it and she had used that lesson to walk out of his life and into the arms of a man that didn’t deserve her but had made her happy for a long time.

Was she right? Was this the root cause of all his problems? His mother had broken his trust. Alexandra had betrayed it in the worst possible way. Was he always the top dog in any given situation because he couldn’t bring himself to trust anyone else with his wellbeing?

He didn’t want to admit it, but he had to. It was true. He didn’t trust anyone not to break him. He couldn’t imagine being at anyone’s mercy because he had been there before and it had gone horribly wrong. That was the point at which his past and his future collided. If he couldn’t trust Noelle enough to let go with her, to let her make the decisions in their lives, he would lose her forever. Did he love her enough to trust her?

Even if he
did, how could he prove it to her? He looked around at the play room and shuddered. He had sworn that it would never happen again after he’d left Alexandra. He had made himself a promise that he’d never sub for anyone again. Could he break that promise and give Noelle the proof that she needed to know that he was trying? He didn’t know. He just didn’t know.

His introspection had at least settled some of his restlessness and he returned to his room to soak his aching muscles in a salt bath and catch up on some reading. After dinner he tried to call Noelle and was so relieved when she answered that he had to swallow before he could get out his hello.

“How are you guys getting on?” He asked and he could picture the smile he knew would be on her face so clearly she might as well have been in the room.

“We’re good. We miss you.”

“I miss you guys too. It’s driving me crazy being here on my own.”

There was a small silence and then she sighed. “Look, Blue, about what I said-…”

“You were right.” He cut her off. “I talked it over with Cal when I got here. He made me see things in a new light. I think I just need to work through it for a few days.”

“I didn’t mean it to be cruel.” She sounded upset and he wished he could hold her.

“Sometimes the best way to say something is with bluntness. If you’d sugar coated it, I may not have taken it as seriously as I did.” He flopped backwards on the bed. “I wish you were here right now.”

“I wish I was there
too.” He guessed from the softer tone of her voice that she was smiling. “There’s no-one gives hugs quite like you do.”

“It’s the bulk.” He grinned. “Muscles make for good hugs. There’s a lot to go round.”

“I wish I could make a joke right now about how you being fat would equate to the same thing, but my heart’s not in it.”

“Where is your heart?” Wait, what? Where the hell did that come from? He sure as hell didn’t just blurt out pansy ass crap like that.

“Too many places to list.” At least she sounded amused. “If any more people take a piece of it, it’ll be like tracking confetti.”

“Is part of it here? With me?”

“Always.” There was another long silence but this one was comfortable.

“How are you feeling?” He asked eventually, knowing that wasting call minutes on silence was pointless.

“I’ve been taking all my tablets so I’m not in as much pain, but I feel fuzzy around the edges, you know? It’s like my head has been stuffed with cotton wool.”

“Well I’m glad they’re giving you the good stuff.” He teased. “And your surgical scars?”

“Looking good. Well, as good as they can do.” She amended. “Raze came over today. He suggested getting them covered with tattoos when the scar tissue has completely settled.”

“That’s not a bad idea.” She’d look sexy with some more ink on t
hat creamy skin of hers. “You already looked into it when you were thinking about getting your wrists done.”

“I can do that now.” She responded
, as though it hadn’t occurred to her and she was delighted about it, and he had to ask.

“Why didn’t you get them covered?” She’d talked a lot about covering the scars on her wrists from her drunken suicide attempt and then abruptly stopped.

“Sean asked me not to.” He couldn’t read her emotions – it sounded like there was shame in there, but also sadness. “I think he thought it would take me one step too far from being the woman he fell in love with.” Her laugh was bitter. “I guess I should have known then that it wouldn’t last. You can’t force a person back into a mould they outgrew months before. Sweet school teachers don’t get highly visible tattoos but that’s not who I am any more. I shouldn’t have listened to him.”

“You’re still sweet.” Blue reminded her. “You never lost it. You just added to your personality, made it more complex.”

“I don’t know. It feels like a lifetime ago. I look at the girls sometimes and I can’t believe I was ever that young or that innocent. It’s terrifying.”

“At least you were one once.” He grinned. “I haven’t got a hope in hell of ever understanding anything about them.”

“You understood me when I needed you.” She disagreed.

“No
, I didn’t.” If there was one thing he’d learned over the last couple of days, it was that. “I had no idea what you were going through. I didn’t realise how strong you were, or how brave, until now. God, when I think about what trusting me must have cost you…especially so soon after Gabriel…” He shook his head. “There are no words. You’re fucking amazing.”