Authors: Ana Layne
Ruston
I couldn’t sleep worth shit last night. Tamilyn left upset and wouldn’t answer any of my calls or texts. Mom called to check on me last night and I told her about the fight Tamilyn and I had. She told me to give it time, so I guess I will. I drag myself out of bed and take a shower. I told Mom to pick me up and bring me with her to the hospital this morning. Austin is still in ICU but I heard he woke up sometime late last night. I’m sure he was relieved to see his parents beside him.
I step out of the shower and throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and wait for Mom. My phone rings and I hope it’s Tamilyn, but it’s just my insurance company. They’re trying to iron out all the details. I need a vehicle. Not having one has truly sucked these past few days. Without my mom, I’d be up a damn creek. The thought crosses my mind to try to text Tamilyn one more time to see if she’s changed her mind, but she was pretty damn adamant last night. She’s playing the blame game when none of that should matter right now. He’s alive, and that’s more than enough to be thankful for.
Moments later, my mom calls and tells me she’s turning into my complex. I grab my wallet and keys and step outside just in time.
“Where’s Dad?” I ask as my seatbelt clicks into place.
“He had to take care of something at the office. He didn’t want to bother you with it. He knows you have a lot on your plate right now.” She pulls out onto the street and we begin heading toward the hospital. “Oh, Moira called this morning. Austin has been moved to a regular room.”
“How’d he take the news?”
“Not too well. It’s probably best we weren’t there for that. He’s a little calmer today, Moira told me.”
“I hope seeing me doesn’t upset him.” I stare out the window at the other cars. The last thing I want to do is piss him off.
“Actually, he asked about you. He wants to apologize for your truck,” Mom tells me as we arrive at the hospital.
She parks the car and I stay put as she opens her door. Turning to face me, she raises her eyebrow. “I don’t care about the truck, Mom.” I decide to pull myself out of the car.
“I know you don’t. That truck can and will be replaced. His life can’t.”
“Exactly.”
She grabs hold of my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Who knows, maybe this accident will bring you two closer.”
We walk inside, heading straight for the elevator. The rest of the way up to Austin’s room is quiet. So many things are running through my mind, like what I’m supposed to say when I walk into the room if he’s awake. It’s not like I can say,
Hey, man, what’s up?
I grab my phone and check for the message I know won’t be there. Still nothing. I give up. She’s not coming up here. She never will. My gaze catches the room number Mom rattled off in the car, and I nudge her gently. “This is it, right?”
“Sure is.” She takes a deep breath. “Let’s go see how he’s doing.”
Before we can step in, Moira exits, glaring at me for a moment. Mom clears her throat and Moira’s once heated gaze turns kind. “I’m glad you came this morning. The nurse is changing his bandage right now so it’ll be just a minute before we can go back inside.”
With my hands in my pockets, I begin rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet while Mom chats with her. I stare down the hall at the other rooms that stretch as far as my eyes can see and say a silent prayer for everyone in here. My phone dings and I pull it out of my pocket to find a text message. I don’t recognize the number.
Hey Ruston, this is Howard. We heard about Austin’s car accident. How is he doing?
For a moment, I wonder how he got the number. Then I recall it was on the registration form I filled out when I was joining Lou’s. I save his number to my phone before replying.
He’s okay. His right arm had to be amputated so he’s in the hospital. I can give you the room number. I’m sure he’d like to see everyone.
Oh shit. What hospital and what room?
I type the answer in time to look up and see the nurse walking out of Austin’s room. “He’s awake and asking for you,” she tells Moira.
Moira walks in first with Mom behind her. I trail closely behind as we step inside the brightly lit room. The foot of the bed catches my eye first. His legs are covered by a blanket, which stops at his chest. His left arm is there, but I glance across his chest to where his right arm should be and there’s nothing but a small nub. It’s bandaged well. My eyes fill with tears, but I know I need to stay strong.
Moira talks to him for a moment before my mom steps up. She does nothing but sob and I can feel my strength weakening. I’m standing in her shadow, afraid to step forward. I know she said he asked about me, but everything in my being is telling me to keep my distance for now.
“Ruston is here,” she tells him. I shoot her a look of disbelief. I wanted to step up to him on my terms, not be thrown into this.
“Ruston?” Austin says.
This is it. I step out of Mom’s shadow and face my cousin for the first time since the fight on Tamilyn’s lawn. “I’m here. I-I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t lie. I was pissed as hell at you that night, but I’d take it back if I could. She chooses you. I get it now. I thought I was going to die that night, and for some strange fucking reason my life was spared. I was reckless and irresponsible, and look what happened to me.” He sighs heavily. “Is Tamilyn here?”
“N-no. She came last night, but she couldn’t make it today.” I can’t stand to break it to him that she’s being too damn selfish to come see him. He’s actually in a good mood right now, and I don’t want to upset him.
“That’s okay. I know she’s busy. Did Mom tell you? They’re going to start fitting me for a prosthetic tomorrow. I loved the ink on that arm. I’m a little pissed about that, but there’s still a hint of it.” He points with his left hand.
“I’m just glad you’re alive.” I step toward his bed. I don’t care if he wants a hug or not, I give him one because he’s actually talking to me and he’s here. If I’d never seen him again, I’m not sure what I would have done. There’s guilt inside of me because of this injury, but if he had died, I’m not sure I could have survived it.
Austin
My life changed the night I left Tamilyn’s in a rage of fury. I thought I had died but when I woke up, I was in a hospital staring numbly at a nurse. I remember feeling groggy and the pain returned. A muffled scream escaped and the nurse injected something into my IV. I remember falling back asleep and not waking up until the early hours of the morning. One look across my body and I could sense something was direly wrong. What the hell happened? Did I break a bone?
A nurse walks back in. I’m not sure if it’s the same nurse from earlier because I was so out of sync with things. “Ex-excuse me.”
“Yes, sir? Do you need anything? It’s good to see you awake. How are you feeling?” My gaze roams over her body, taking in her luscious curves all the way up to her plump pink lips. Her brown curly hair is pulled back into a ponytail, making her baby blue eyes pop. At least this hospital seems to be doing something right.
“I’m very sore.”
“That’s common with the surgery you had, Mr. Moran.”
“What surgery?” I squint my eyes, trying to understand. I don’t remember going through any surgery.
“Your right arm was amputated, Mr. Moran. We were waiting to tell you—”
“What? What are you talking about? Where’s my arm?” I freak out, trying to jump out of the hospital bed. The IV and other wires hooked up to me prevent me from moving and I sink back into the bed. With my left arm, I reach over to prove her wrong. My right arm is there, except it isn’t. I grab where it’s supposed to be and I end up with a fistful of sheets and hospital gown.
“Calm down, it’s okay.” She attempts to soothe me. “Your arm was severely impacted in the accident and amputation was the only option. I can get the doctor if you’d like to speak to him.”
“What’s the point? It’s gone.” I close my eyes and begin to bawl my eyes out. I can’t fucking win anything in this life. Maybe I should have died. I couldn’t get the girl I wanted to be with, and now I’ve lost an arm.
“I’m so sorry.” Her eyes are so kind. I can’t be mad at her. It’s not her fault. She’s just a nurse. “The good news is you could still have your arm with the prosthetics they have available nowadays.”
“What’s your name?” I ask her, once my tears stop falling.
“I’m Paige.”
“Paige, I want my arm back.”
“I know.” She speaks softly, walks closer, and grabs my left hand. “I’m sorry this happened to you, but from what I heard, the accident was bad. You’re lucky to be alive.”
“I guess you’re right.” I hang my head and fight back the remaining tears that try to fall.
“I need to go check on other patients. I’ll be back to check on you, okay?”
“Thanks, Paige,” I whisper.
“You’re welcome, Austin.”
I watch as she walks out of the room. I know she was just being polite but at least they gave me someone easy on the eyes. As soon as she walks out and I’m left alone, reality begins slapping me in the face repeatedly. My fucking arm is gone. There’s nothing but a damn nub where my arm is supposed to be. It’s wrapped in gauze. I want to lash out in anger but I cry uncontrollably. I fucking wish I could go back in time and redo everything. I would have never pursued Tamilyn and would have just done my own damn thing. Then the argument would have never happened. In the end, they got what they wanted and I lost everything. I can’t even fucking fight anymore. My life may as well be over. I finally found something I began to develop a passion for, and even that was taken away from me.
I’m wondering where the hell everyone is. Why isn’t anyone here to see me? Then I remember I’m sitting in ICU and visiting hours are over. What a bunch of fucking shit. As morning drones on, a doctor comes in to check on me. He’s a nice guy but I can’t seem to show appreciation. I’m still pissed about the fate of my arm. While he’s talking, Mom walks in and I begin sobbing again. He gives us a moment before telling me I’m being moved to a real room.
While preparations are made to move me, Mom tells me how they drove here as fast as they could. She tells me how she found out what happened before the accident and I hang my head. It’s bad enough I have to relive that night over and over again in my mind. I didn’t really want her knowing everything. When I ask her how she found out, she simply glared and told me that Tamilyn told her. Like a snake full of venom, Mom begins spitting out all kinds of fucked up things about Tamilyn. I should be pissed too, because it was my feelings on the line and I let it all slip away, but I can’t be mad at her. She didn’t make me get into the truck and drive recklessly.
“Mom, you can’t say things like that about her. It’s not her fault.”
She doesn’t say anything else about the subject. “How are you feeling? I’ll go get you some real food for lunch. I know you must be hungry.”
“I guess I am,” I mumble. “How do you eat with just one hand?”
“I’ll help you. You’ll get used to it, Austin. It’ll just take time.”
Tears spring forward. “I need to tell Ruston I’m sorry about his truck.”
“I doubt he’s concerned with the truck. Stop working yourself up.”
She’s right, but I will apologize to him. “Why did this happen to me?” I’ve never cried so much in my life. I hate it. I hate feeling vulnerable, but everything in my life has crumbled before my eyes in the last few days.
“I don’t know, Austin. I wish I could answer that for you. We’ll get you the best prosthetic arm money can buy. They have made great advancements with those things, you know.”
“Yeah, that’s what Paige told me.”
“Who?”
“Just the nurse who came to check on me earlier.” Just then, a different nurse arrives to move me to a regular room. I wonder if Paige is going to come back to see me like she said, but I doubt it. She was just being nice because it’s her job. I’m a one-armed guy now. She wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
Tamilyn
I feel guilty standing in the warm sun snapping random photos on my camera, knowing I can use both of my arms and Austin can’t. I purposely put my phone on silent so I wouldn’t have to hear every time Ruston tried to reach me. I understand his concern, but he needs to see my side of things. I thought being outside in the fresh air would be therapeutic for me, especially with my camera, but it’s not helping like I thought it would. I’m not feeling the normal joy I feel when I’m capturing a moment. I know I’ll be deleting all of these photos later. It’s not my best work.
After heading back to my car, disappointed in myself, I pull my phone from my pocket just in time to see my mom calling.
“Hello?”
“Hey, are you at the hospital with Ruston and Paula?”
“No, I didn’t go. I was doing a photo shoot,” I tell her.
“Oh, well, Paula told me that Austin is awake and was asking about everyone. He’s out of ICU if you want to go by later.”
“Oh, really?”
“That’s one of the reasons I called. The other was to tell you that we’re cooking dinner for the McGregors tonight, so come over and eat.”
That’s not a good idea right now, and I guess it’s time I let her know. “I think I’m just going to stay home tonight, Mom. I’m really tired.”
“Tamilyn, what is going on?”
“I don’t want to see Ruston, okay?”
“Since when? Suck it up and come eat, okay?”
“Fine. I’ll see you later.”
I hang up the phone and drive home. The first place I go is to my computer to check out the pictures I took. I’m highly disappointed with all of them. I hit delete and they all vanish. The pictures from Austin’s last fight pop up next and tears fill my eyes. This is the Austin I’ll always think of, not the Austin missing an arm. I place photo paper into my printer and choose the best shots to print. I pick through a few of Lance’s fight. He was so thrilled with the last photos. I know he’ll be ecstatic to see these. As they finish printing, I set them aside to make sure all the ink has dried before placing them in a manila folder. I set Lance’s photos on top of Austin’s because I won’t be able to stop myself from crying if I see them. When the last photo prints, I turn the computer off and leave my camera sitting on the desk. I grab the folder and carry it to the kitchen table. I’ll give this to Paula at dinner tonight and have her give them to Austin.
My phone buzzes as I lay across the couch, and it’s Ruston again. Does he ever give up?
Are you going to be at dinner tonight? You can’t avoid me forever.
I’m not trying to avoid you. You just need to realize you can’t force me to do something I don’t want to do.
Force you? I was just telling you that you need to see him. He asked about you today.
He did?
Yes. You should go see him Tam, he was actually in a good mood considering everything.
I can’t Ruston. He’ll be okay not seeing me.
Of course, you’re still being selfish. I don’t know why I said anything. Don’t worry I won’t go to dinner tonight.
Fine.
I didn’t know what else to say. I am not too keen on arguing through text message. He doesn’t reply and I drop my phone to the floor. I knew better than to answer his text message. I could have just faced him tonight and dealt with it then. With everyone around, it wouldn’t have escalated. That would have been my best bet. I close my eyes and begin to doze off. Not even a few minutes later, my eyes pop open. I’m not tired. I’m just trying to avoid everything. I sit up and decide to go for a run. I haven’t ran in so long, and maybe that’s the therapy I really need right now.
***
I come in from my run, covered with sweat and surprisingly full of energy. I jump in the shower to wash up. I want to get to my parents’ house a little early to beat Ruston there. I run my fingers through my damp hair and let it dry naturally. With a ponytail holder on my wrist, I throw on a t-shirt and some shorts. I’ll put my hair up later if I want to. I grab the folder of pictures along with my keys and purse and head out the front door.
A sign for the hospital catches my eye but I don’t dare venture that way. I keep my car heading straight to Mom and Dad’s neighborhood. My plan worked. I beat everyone here. I let out a sigh of relief as I grab my manila envelope. I walk in and head straight to where the aroma of roast fills the air. My stomach begins growling. No one makes a roast as well as Mom does.
“Hey, Mom, I’m here.” I try to sound as chipper as possible despite my mood.
“Hey, Tam, want to give me a hand?” My eyes fill with tears at her choice of words. I know she meant nothing by it and probably didn’t even realize what she said, but my guilt is making the simple question bigger than it needs to be.
“S-sure.” I set the manila envelope on the counter away from anything that could spill on the pictures. I’d be pissed if they got ruined.
Mom hands me a knife and a few cucumbers and tomatoes. “Can you cut these up for me and place them into a bowl? I’ll get you the Italian dressing when you’re done.”
I nod and begin rinsing off the cucumbers before I peel them. When she’s not looking, I pop a piece in my mouth. I love fresh cucumbers. I rinse them one more time before setting them in the bowl she has placed beside me. I move on to the tomatoes and begin dicing them. I’m finished in no time, and I slide the bowl over toward Mom.
“I’m done.”
“You’re fast. Hmm, let me see what you can do next. Can you butter these rolls and get them ready to go into the oven?”
“Yeah, why not. It’s not like I have anything better to do.”
“Did you go by the hospital to see Austin?”
The knife I’m getting ready to dip into the tub of butter slips from my hand and falls to the counter. “Shit,” I mutter.
“Are you okay?” Mom runs to my side.
“It’s just a butter knife, Mom, I didn’t lose my hand or anything.” I cover my mouth, wanting to sob. How stupid could I be?
“Go sit down. I’ll butter the rolls. What just happened?”
“You just caught me off-guard, I guess. I didn’t go to the hospital, Mom, and I never will. I can’t see him like that. You heard what his Mom thinks of me and I doubt he wants to see me.”
“You never know until you actually go up there. His mom was just angry. If that were you lying in that hospital, I would have been angry too. People can sometimes say the worst things in the heat of the moment. I know you and Ruston have your feelings for one another but you did feel something for Austin at one point, and it’s not fair to him that you’re blowing him off like this.”
I raise my eyebrow, knowing she is right. I don’t want to tell her that she’s right, though, because I know she’s waiting to hear me say it. “It’s just really hard for me. I’ll see him in my own time, when it’s right for me.”
“I’m not trying to push you to see him. I know this isn’t easy. I was just giving you my motherly advice.”
“I know, and that’s why I love you.” I grin at her. “Let me finish helping you. It’s only fair. I’m just clumsy.”
She hands the butter knife back to me. If I can just make it through this dinner without any of these minor meltdowns, I’ll be okay. Only time will tell. When Ruston gets here, things will either come together or fall apart. I’m having a hard time convincing myself that I need him right now. He’s right. I am being selfish.