BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (21 page)

Mama lit into her like a tiger! When it was all over, Auntie Bitch had a black eye and a bloody nose, but Mama didn’t have a scratch!

The fight scared me, but I sure enjoyed seeing Mama beat the crap out of her!

Grandmother called Uncle Henry, and within the hour he showed up asking if Mama was drunk, too. Granddad told him, “Nope. She’s sober as a judge.”

Uncle Henry talked to Mama where I couldn’t hear what they said, then he talked to Auntie Bitch, and he sounded furious. When finished, he stormed out of the house, and slammed the door.

A slamming door
? That sounded familiar, but I dismissed it as being a more recent memory. Daddy had always slammed doors when he got mad at Janet, or one of the other women. He had so many women before he met Janet.

I’d been home for about two months when Mama said she’d be back in a few hours. I waited up for her, but at midnight she still hadn’t returned or called. I’d fallen asleep on the couch when she stumbled into the house and fell down.

Jumping up, I ran to her. “Mama, are you okay? Are you sick?” Then, I smelled the booze on her breath. “Mama, you’re drunk! Why, Mama?”

“I can’t drink around here with all these damn watch dogs! I can’t stand it anymore!”

I was afraid she meant she couldn’t stand having me around, but before I could ask, she screeched, “What are you doin’ up? Go to bed, NOW!”

Her words were slurred, and the way she yelled reminded me of Janet! I ran and jumped into my bed just as Auntie Bitch came in the door. Within moments the yelling really started! I’d pulled my covers over my head to hide when Granddad came in and told me to take my blanket and to wait on the back porch until he came for me. 

Scared, I jumped up and did as told.

I curled up next to Blackie on the porch and cried. Fighting always meant someone would get hurt, and I hoped Mama, in her drunken state, could beat Auntie Bitch like she’d done before. 

When Granddad finally came for me, Grandmother was sitting at the table, crying, and Mama had gone with Uncle Henry. Auntie Bitch had passed out in Mama’s room, so I went into the living room and slept on the couch.

I expected Mama to be back when I woke up, but when she wasn’t, Granddad told me that she’d gone to a place where she could get some help, and she wouldn’t be home for a while.

I didn’t know where Uncle Henry had taken her, but when Mama came home she seemed her normal self. Laughter had returned to the house—except when Auntie Bitch was home. Then, no one laughed.

Granddad told me Barbara had a short fuse and loved to fight, especially when drunk. He said, “My daughters have fought since they were kids but, they’re not kids anymore, and I can’t control them.”

His expression seemed etched with sorrow and his voice sounded wooden-like as he shook his head and said, “Sarah, stay away from Barbara. I don’t want you gettin’ hurt.”

Of course, I listened to Granddad. When Auntie came home I’d play outside with Blackie and, if she was still there at bedtime, I’d sleep on the porch. With Auntie Bitch around everyone walked on egg shells. We were so afraid of her temper tantrums, and we didn’t want to do anything to set her off on one of her tangents.

When Mama stumbled in drunk, if Auntie Bitch wasn’t home, she’d just fall into bed and pass out. But if the bitch was there, a fight was imminent. As soon as the fight started, Granddad would try to break them up, but he’d get knocked down. Grandmother would cry and call Henry, and I’d hide on the porch until everything got quiet. 

Uncle Henry lived about thirty-five minutes away. He’d show up, yell at the bitch, then he’d take Mama away. Weeks later, Mama would return home and everything would be normal again, until the next binge.

Auntie still drank every night, but Mama didn’t drink for quite a while after the last time she went away. Often I’d find her crying, and ask what I could do to help, but she didn’t have an answer.

I was so scared she’d leave one night and never come back.

For the third time in a week Mama went to the store and came home drunk, but fortunately, each time Auntie Bitch wasn’t around. Grandmother cried and I heard her say she didn’t know how much more she could take. She said, “Jack, he has to do something with her. Henry has to do something!”

I’d gone outside to play with Blackie when Granddad came out to tell me Uncle Henry would be taking me to his house for the weekend and to be ready by five. I liked Uncle Henry, but I didn’t really like Aunt Olivia. She said if I was her daughter she’d beat the meanness out of me. I was terrified of her!

Grandmother hugged me a lot, and said I looked just like Mama when she was little, but the first time I met Aunt Olivia she acted like she’d already decided not to like me. I figured it was because she hated Daddy so much.

I asked Granddad if he thought Daddy was bad and he said, “Sarah, your daddy’s a bad man. He was mean to your Mama, to me and your grandmother. For his sake, I hope I never see him again.”

So, I figured, if you’re bad, you’re also mean, but then I heard Polly’s voice whispering in my head. “
We never wanted to be bad. They made us do those things! I wish we could tell Granddad, but he’d send us away. He wouldn’t love us. We can’t ever tell anyone
!”

She sounded very distraught, and I felt sorry for her—for all of us.

With my suitcase packed, I’d gone outside to sit under the tree when Uncle Henry arrived. I was excited to go, but I was still afraid of Aunt Olivia. He told me to wait in the car while he talked to Granddad, so I ran to the car and climbed in the back seat.

When he returned, frowning, he opened my door. “You don’t have to sit back here, Sarah. Come on, get up front with me.”

I didn’t know if his frown was because of me or something Granddad had said, but I jumped out, climbed into the front seat, and smiled ear to ear. “I never got to ride in the front before!” I said when he got behind the wheel and had closed his door.

“Well, I think it’s time you do.” He smiled, then turned up the radio.

I heard country music like Daddy had listened to, and realized I still missed Daddy sometimes. But I knew not to tell anyone else that. They got mad every time they talked about him! Besides, I needed to forget that life—if I could—and maybe then, I’d stop having nightmares.

Uncle Henry didn’t talk much, so I just listened to the music until he turned into a driveway, and said, “Here we are, Sarah. This is where I live.”

I sat up as tall as possible to see out the window. His house looked older, but nice. There were two flower beds with really tall flowers near the street, and two medium-sized cedar trees on either side of a concrete walkway going up to a big front porch.

We got my suitcase out of the back seat, and when he saw me looking at the flowers he told me they were called zinnias and that Olivia cut them to put in vases. Then we walked through the cedar trees, up the walk and onto the porch. I got excited when I saw a wooden swing hanging on the far side of the porch.

Straight away, I pictured myself sitting there swinging all day long!

Inside, Aunt Olivia sat on the couch with a big black book on her lap. It looked like the Bible on Grandmother’s nightstand, only bigger. She wasn’t smiling.

“Well, you finally made it,” she said sarcastically. “I had supper ready an hour ago. If you want to eat, it’s on the table. I’m
not
warming it up!” She glared at us for nearly a minute, then started reading again.

We went into the dining room and Uncle Henry told me where to sit, then he sat next to me at the head of the table. We ate cold meatloaf and mashed potatoes in silence.

After we finished eating he showed me my room, and what I thought would be my own bathroom, but he said they only had the one. We were on our way back to the dining room when Aunt Olivia got off the couch, frowning.

“I thought you’d at least put your dirty dishes in the sink!” she snapped. “Sarah, cleaning off the table will be your job. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Excuse me? Is that how you address an adult?”

Not knowing what she meant, I shrugged and repeated, “Yes.”

“Well, young lady, I’ll have to teach you some manners! When spoken to, you say, yes
ma’am
or no
ma’am
. Is that clear?”

Wow! Testy!
“Yes…ma’am.”

“That’s better. Now, clean off the table and put those dirty dishes in the sink. You can wash them in the morning.” 

I cleared the table while she put the leftover food in the refrigerator. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be there, but I was stuck—at least for that weekend.

“Sarah, I have to go back to work. It’ll be late when I get home, but tomorrow we can go fishing. I have a cabin on the lake.”

“I’d like that, Uncle Henry!” I exclaimed, excited to be with him. I figured Aunt Olivia would be there too, but I hoped she’d be different after she got some sleep. I knew lack of sleep made grown-ups very cranky.

He left and I sat on the floor watching TV until Aunt Olivia told me to go to bed. I didn’t argue, even though it was only eight o’clock! I usually stayed up until midnight, but I felt kinda tired anyway.

I tried to give her a hug, but she pulled away from me. I went to bed hoping she’d come and tuck me in. She didn’t. I tossed and turned for hours, then when I did fall asleep I was haunted by nightmares of things I wanted to forget—and of things I didn’t remember—but they all seemed so real.

“Do we still need to show Sarah in dreams what happened to us, Ann? She gets so frightened.”

“It’s the only way she’ll have the chance to heal when she’s older, Polly.”

“But, it’s sad to relive that stuff.”

“I know, sweetie, and I’m sorry, but it has to be this
way. She’s accepted us talking to her inside her head, but it’s the only way she’ll be able to fully accept us.”

“Eh? Do ye really think someday she’ll know all about us, Annie?”

“Yes, Scottie. I’m sure she will
.”

When I awoke soaking wet, lying in the darkness, I allowed the dreams to run through my mind. Frightening images of Uncle Frank and his sons, Janet, the tractor, the roof, the storm…and Daddy. Getting up to go to the bathroom, I bumped into a body! I jumped back, not knowing who was in my bed!

“Where are you going, Sarah?” Olivia asked sternly.

“I…I have to go to the bathroom.” I wanted to ask why she was sleeping in my bed, but I didn’t.

“Well hurry up. Then get back here and go to sleep.”

“Yes…ma’am.” I finished in the bathroom, then had to crawl over my aunt to get back to my side of the bed. I went back to sleep, but the nightmares continued all night.

Morning came too early with Aunt Olivia waking me, telling me if I wanted to go to the lake I’d better hurry up. I felt I hadn’t slept a wink, but excited to be with Uncle Henry, I drug myself out of bed.

The moment I came out of the bathroom, I saw my aunt’s frowning face. “Your breakfast is on the table. If you aren’t ready in half an hour, we aren’t going.”

She followed me into the dining room where I found a bowl of white stuff on the table. “What’s this, Aunt Olivia?”

“It’s Cream of Wheat.”

Lukewarm, it tasted like mush. “I don’t like it.” I said, honestly. 

She turned to look at me, and that was when I first saw her
alien mouth
. She pressed her lips together tightly while screwing her face into a dreadful looking shape. It definitely looked extraterrestrial!

“I suggest you eat it!” she said sharply. “That’s all you get, and it’s a long time ‘til supper.” 

I tried to eat the mush, but it tasted awful! When she wasn’t looking I dumped it in the trash. Knowing I’d be in really big trouble if she found out, I covered it up, hoping she wasn’t in the habit of digging in the garbage.

I was ready to go within the time frame allotted.

Not knowing she’d be driving, and Uncle Henry would be meeting us at the lake, I sat down on the couch to watch out the window for him to come pick us up. When she
finally
got ready to leave we walked around the house to the garage and climbed into her red Ford Falcon.

Before we got around the corner I would’ve sworn she got her license to drive out of a box of Cracker Jacks! Stop signs and red lights must’ve been for other drivers, not her. Then, when someone honked at her, she’d cuss and yell, “Get on your side of the road, asshole!”

After we almost got run over a dozen times, I figured anyone who rode with her was lucky to be alive. When I told Uncle Henry how she drove, he laughed and said, “Olivia doesn’t have her license yet. She only drives out here to the lake and to the grocery store, but she’s taking lessons three times a week.”

“She needs
lots
of lessons, Uncle Henry,” I told him, and grinned.

Again, he laughed and explained, “She had back surgery years ago and she still has pain off and on. That’s the reason she can’t drive for very long.”