BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (9 page)

Ron gave his brothers a ravenous grin. “Hey, who wants to do
me
, right now?”

“I’ll do you, if Greg will do me at the same time!” Mitch laughed.

“Hell, yeah! I’ll do you, and then Ron can do me.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Ron chuckled. “Go make sure the door’s locked, Greg.”

I heard his steps crossing the room, and he said, “Yep, it’s locked…”

Music blasted through the wall….

Lying in the dark, still trying to make sense of all the things I’d heard Daddy saying at the table, I heard a light tap on my door. When I didn’t respond, the door slowly opened. I had my back to the door, but the light from the hallway showed the silhouette of my small form curled up on the farthest side of the twin bed. 

“Hey, Sarah. You okay, sweetie? Are you asleep?” Ellie whispered.

“No, I’m fine.” I didn’t turn over to face her.

“I’ll bring you a plate of food later. You must be hungry.”

“No, I’m fine.”

Ellie left the door ajar, came over and sat down on the side of my bed, letting out a pitiful sigh. She said she felt sorry for me, but she was terrified of her husband and there was nothing she could do to help me. She’d been scared to death of him since the first time she’d witnessed his violent temper a month before their wedding.

She said that Frank had come unraveled at a friend who had to work and couldn’t go fishing with him. He’d gone ballistic, screaming at the top of his lungs, and kicking the passenger door of his friend’s car, leaving a big dent.

For eighteen years she’d endured his vicious temper, and his rages. When something didn’t go his way, or when she’d done or said something he didn’t like, his voice bellowed throughout the house, scornful, mocking in a sing-song demeanor every chance he had.

He’d done everything possible to degrade her. She was trapped. She said if she defied him she’d end up with more bruises, and possibly another broken arm, or worse. She was too afraid to leave; too afraid to do anything without her husband’s approval out of fear of retaliation, knowing he wouldn’t hesitate to break every bone in her body if she didn’t heed his warnings; his orders.

He’d broken her arm once already when he thought she hadn’t made the coffee strong enough. Then, there was a time when she’d burnt the bacon, and he held a knife to her throat, accusing her of trying to poison him. And, he’d beaten her black and blue after sex when he’d been too drunk to get off, blaming her; saying any street whore could do better.

She shuddered as she told me about her own bitter memories as they came rushing back. Her internal scars still frightened her as if all those things had happened yesterday. She said she felt she had to warn me…tell me she was sorry.

“Sarah, I have to warn you. My husband is coming to you tonight. I’m so sorry. I can’t do anything to stop it. I just thought I should tell you.”

“Thank you, Ellie,” I said, fighting back the tears.

“Well, I best get back before he realizes I’m not cleaning the kitchen like I said. I’ll bring some food when he isn’t looking. In case you change your mind.”

After she left, I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer, and I cried. Then, not knowing what else to do, I prayed, not expecting Him to listen, but I had to try one more time. Just in case…“God, please hear me. Please take me to live with You. I hurt so bad. Please take me tonight before he comes in. Please, help me.”

“
Please, God, help us, too. We can’t take much more
,” Ann’s soft voice whispered. 

Things had gotten quiet in the boys room, and I fell asleep only to be awakened by Frank’s voice close to my ear telling me to wake up.

Instantly, I began floating to my safe, watchful place. 

Polly tried to pull away, but Frank held her fast. He put his other hand over her mouth, saying, “Sarah, it’s okay. It’s Uncle Frank. I want you to be nice to me like you were with my boys. Will you do that for Uncle Frank?”

He told her not to scream or she’d be sorry, then he removed his hand. His breath smelled of stale liquor. Polly
floated…
 

“Do I have a fuckin’ choice?”
Jean snapped.

“Don’t get smart with me, little brat, or I’ll stick it to you tonight no matter what Eli says! So, what’s it gonna be? A fuckin’ or a suckin’?”

“Fine! I’ll suck it!” Jean’s eyes narrowed with disgust as she looked into the face that looked like Daddy. A wave of repulsion swept over her, and a feeling like a cold fist closed over her heart. Frank looked so much like the man we loved, but the scumbag who stood in front of Jean, glaring at her, we hated! 

“And don’t get any smartass ideas about biting me either, or I’ll bounce your head off this fuckin’ wall!”

His face hardened and his eyes had a crazed look as he pulled Jean to her knees. Jerking the nightgown over her head, with a forceful touch, he rubbed his callused hands all over her body, looking at her with a scathing smirk. 

Petrified, Jean looked into his dark, smoldering eyes. His frigid stare said much more than his words. We all knew he’d hurt her if she defied him, and her head began spinning. Jean drifted away, letting Ann, my oldest protector, take over.

“Come on! What are you waiting for? Do it!” Frank’s voice was harsh and raspy. Ann tried to do as he’d ordered, but he was choking her! She couldn’t breathe! When she tried to pull back, he grabbed the back of her head and pulled her into his thrusts so hard it made her head throb. She clamped her eyes tightly closed to hold in her tears of sadness. Her tears of shame.

It seemed to take forever, but finally, he finished. “Oh, baby! You
are
good! Just like my boys and Eli said. One of these nights I’ll give you the big bone, but until then, I expect this every night. Someone has to pay for your keep!” 

Then, he left. The humiliation had ended—for now.

Ann felt nauseous and ran to the bathroom. Her stomach contracted into a tight ball as she vomited, again and again. Exhausted, she climbed into bed. Facing the wall, she cried and prayed not to awaken. 

But, we did wake up. God had forsaken us, again. 

I stayed withdrawn and hidden in my room as much as possible during the next several weeks. When Ellie could, she’d bring me food. We knew Ellie wanted to protect me, but she was more scared of her husband than Ann and the others were of him, or their oldest son.

Over the next several weeks the boys avoided me. I suspected Uncle Frank told them to leave me alone, but as long as they didn’t bother me, I didn’t care why. I wished Uncle Frank would do the same, but every night he came to my room, smelling of stale liquor.

Luckily, I’d float away, but I felt so sorry for my protectors.

I knew they were doing what was best for me, and even though I didn’t understand how, or where they came from, I trusted Ann and the others, and felt grateful not to have to do the nightly things I watched them doing just to save me. 

“We’ll make sure you never have to do these things, Sarah,”
Ann’s soft, comforting voice promised. 

I still wondered exactly what had scared Ron so badly that first day in the tent. I didn’t know if it had been because they thought I might’ve been dead, or just the change they witnessed when Ann took over. But, whatever it was, I wouldn’t ask. That would mean having to talk to them, and I didn’t want anything to do with Ron or his brothers!

Several weeks had passed when I heard the boys outside my door, snickering. I knew something was up, and the next afternoon Ron came into my room—uninvited—as usual.

I looked into his scowling face, and began to float to my safe place.

Of course, Ron thought he was talking to me, a scared little kid, when he ordered me to do
it
, or he’d kill me. He expected me to be so frightened I’d do whatever he said, but he didn’t know Jean had taken over right after he’d entered my room.

He was thrown for a loop when Jean gave him a cynical smile and said,
“Go ahead. Kill me.”

Laughing, he left the room, only to come back moments later with a big serrated-edged fishing knife. “If you don’t do me, I’ll cut you into little pieces and feed you to the worms,” he threatened.

Jean had tried calling his bluff, but when he put the knife to her throat, she wasn’t sure. She felt being dead would be better than the hell the boys and Uncle Frank were putting them through, but when she felt the cold, steel blade, she lost her nerve.

She wanted to die, but not that way. She wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

Quiet. No mess. Peaceful.

Looking into Ron’s cold eyes, Jean began floating, and Scottie emerged.

Aye, I do this better than the girls
,
he thought, as Ron seized him with the hand that held the knife and pulled his pecker out with his free hand. Scottie hated Ron just as much as the girls and I did, but he too was terrified of the consequences of refusal, and did as Ron ordered. 

When finished, Ron laughed sadistically. “Isn’t that better than getting cut, little bitch? Now, get out to the tent. My brothers are waiting.”

From that day on, every day and every night were the same. From my place of safety I watched in despair as they
had
to do what Ron said during the day, and what Uncle Frank said at night. What we didn’t know: Daddy stayed with Ellie while Uncle Frank came to my room. 

‘Loving’…that’s what Frank called it. 

Bullshit
! That’s what the others called it!

We’d been living at Uncle Frank’s house a long time when Greg picked up what looked like an almond in the yard. I didn’t know what it was, but it was dirty and had little holes all over the shell. I got very, very sick after Greg forced me to eat it. 

Several days passed and I still drifted in and out of consciousness. Daddy was afraid I’d die from such a high temperature, but he couldn’t take me to the hospital. He feared the cops would find us.

When I didn’t get any better Uncle Frank told Daddy of a ‘quack’ doctor who, for a couple of hundred bucks, would keep his mouth shut, and dug out the doctor’s number. After Daddy talked to the
quack
, he put me in the back seat of the car, and told his brother, “I don’t know if we’ll get back this way again anytime soon, but I’ll be thinking of ya.”

“Yeah, motherfucker.” Frank laughed. “Hey, take care of the kid.”

Ellie watched from the upstairs window. From comments she’d made while sneaking food into my room, I figured she’d be thinking how different Daddy and Uncle Frank were, yet so similar.

Daddy had been rough with her in bed, but he didn’t deliberately try to hurt her like her husband always had, successfully. I think she must’ve felt Daddy tried to be gentle with her, in his own way. 

When Daddy backed out of the driveway, I’m sure she
had mixed feelings. I knew she’d feel relief that I was finally free from her husband, but I also knew she’d be sad. With Daddy gone, Uncle Frank would take all his anguish out on her again.

I saw her wipe away tears as we drove away from the house, and for once in my life, I’d found hate in my heart. I felt more hate toward Uncle Frank and his sons than I knew was possible to feel.

I’d seen too much and, in nightmares, I’d actually
felt
the same gut wrenching misery my protectors had felt at the time of the abuse.

I hoped
never
to go back there again.

Moments before I fell back into unconsciousness, I heard Ann’s soft voice, whisper, “
We too found hate, Sarah. Intense hate!
”

Driving away, the others were so glad it had finally ended. Ellie had been nice to them, but she was a victim of her abusive husband, and totally helpless. Ellie had done what she could and they appreciated her for trying.

After we left, Daddy never talked about his brother again.

Ten

1957 – Washington State

I was still burning up with fever, drifting in and out, when we arrived at the doctor. For once, I didn’t feel hungry or cold. Unfortunately, I was still alive. I had my guardian angel by my side, but I gave up praying to a God who didn’t listen. He wasn’t a God for kids. 

“Annie, I think we’ve lived through the worst. No one can hurt us more than Uncle Frank and his sons, eh?”

“I sure hope so, Scottie.”

Following the doctor’s wife, Daddy carried me into a room set up as an exam room, and laid me on a small table. 

“The doctor will be with you in a moment, sir.”

“Please tell him to hurry!”

The woman’s soothing voice, like my guardian angel’s voice, made me feel safe, and I wanted her to come back, but the next voice I heard was the doctor. 

“What seems to be the problem?” he asked.

“I don’t know, Doc. She just came down with this high fever and she won’t wake up for more than a few minutes at a time. Please help her! She’s all I have since her mother died.”

“I’ll do what I can for her. What’s she had to eat in the last few days?”

“I really don’t know. We were staying with my brother, and his wife’s a good cook, but if she ate anything the rest of us didn’t, I don’t know what it could’ve been. No one else got sick.” 

“Hum. Well, let’s have a look. Martha, can you come in here for a minute?”

“Yes, Doctor.”

Ah, the soothing voice. I tried to open my eyes, but they seemed glued shut. ‘Hey guys! I can hear you talking, but I can’t see you. I have to tell you about the seed.’

“Get some cold water and towels, Martha. We have to get this child’s temperature down, and soon. It’s a hundred and three.”

“Yes, Doctor.” 

Doesn’t she ever say anything else besides
yes, doctor
? ‘Hey, can’t you guys hear me? I’m talking to you!
Hey, listen to me! Am I invisible? Greg picked up a dirty seed from the ground and made me eat it. That’s what made me sick. The shell had little holes. Hey! Why won’t you guys listen to me?’ 

“She’s having a lot of rapid eye movements. Must be an involuntary response, but I wonder what she’s responding to?” Opening my left eye, the doctor shined a bright light, then moved the light back and forth several times.

Hey, Doctor! If you open my other eye, maybe I can see you. I can’t open it myself. Please open my other eye so I can see!’ 

“Maybe she can hear us talking and it’s our voices she’s responding to. If so, then that’s a good sign. Well, in case she can hear us, you stay and talk to her while I set up an I.V. to get that temperature down.”

“What do you want me to say to her, Doc?” Daddy asked.

“Talk about things she likes to do; things you’ve done together. Say anything to let her know she’s in good hands. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Hey, baby. It’s Daddy. The doctor’s gonna take good care of you. When you’re better, we’re going to California. My sister lives there. You’ll like her. Her name’s Molly, and the last time I saw her she had the brightest red hair you’ve ever seen. She’s really nice, and she’d been dating a real nice guy, too. Let me see, his name…uh, it’s Frank
…
”

Hearing Frank’s name pushed me over the edge, and my body started shaking and jerking and I couldn’t stop it. ‘Hey! Someone help me! I can’t stop this! Hey, you guys! Anyone there? Please stop this shaking!’ 

“Doctor!” Daddy screamed. “Doctor! Something’s wrong!”

The doctor and his wife came running into the room.

“Has she ever had seizures before?” the doctor asked.

“No, never! What’s wrong with her, Doc?”

“I don’t know. Her temperature is down a bit, but we still have a ways to go. How many days did you say she’d been sick?”

“Three or four, before I called you. Then it took close to a week to get here. Nine, maybe ten days?”

“You should’ve taken her to a hospital immediately, man!”

“I couldn’t do that, Doc. That’s why I called you. For a few hundred bucks
you
keep quiet.”

“If you’re running from the cops I don’t care, but if you kidnapped this child from her parents and she isn’t yours…” The doctor stood with his hands on his hips, waiting for an answer to his unfinished sentence.

“No, of course I didn’t kidnap her! She
is
my daughter! Her mother died in a fire several years ago. We’re heading to Michigan to stay with my sister.” Daddy snapped. “Now, I have your hush money, Doc. Are you gonna help her or not?”

‘Michigan? You just told me California. What are you up to, Daddy? You can tell me. I won’t tell. I’m good at keeping secrets.’

“Yes,” replied the doctor. “I’m going to help her—if I can. If it’s not too late. What did you say your name is? And hers?”

“Damn it! I’m Eddie and she’s Suzy,
my
daughter! She’s six years old!”

“Okay, Eddie. Calm down. Why don’t you wait in the parlor while I examine her? Let’s see if we can get this fever down to normal.”

“I’m not leaving her! You hear me, Doc? I’m not leaving
my
daughter!”

“Just wait in the parlor. If there’s any change I’ll come get you.” 

“Come on, Eddie, don’t worry. She’s in good hands.” The doctor’s wife led him out of the room.

Daddy, deep in thought, paced the floor for hours. Then, sat for hours. He knew he’d have to keep on his toes
with the doctor, and he hoped I wouldn’t say anything in my fevered state. 

Under his breath, he mumbled, “Doc’s a smart old cuss and if I slip up just once
…
well, I can’t let that happen. We’ll have to stay on the run in case he calls the fuzz. I planned too long to have this messed up now. I can’t let them find us! I’ll have to make a few detours on way to California…maybe, I shouldn’t leave any witnesses we were ever here… 

“Oh, come on Eli! Are you totally losing it, man? He’s a well-known doctor! You can’t just kill the bastard! No, I’ll have to trust money will keep this old fart and his wife quiet,” he concluded. 

“Martha, I don’t know what this man’s done, but I don’t trust him.”

“I don’t trust him either, Matt. Did you see the marks on that child? Her body’s covered with bruises. New and old. This child’s been abused.”

“I know, Martha. I saw those earlier, but that’s the least of our concerns right now. Her fever’s down to a hundred, but it’s been too high for so long. She may have brain damage.”

“Oh, God, I hope not. She’s already been through hell. You can tell that by looking at her little body. I’ll pray for her, and for that man, in case he really is her father…and in case he’s innocent of the way this child’s been treated.”

“He said his wife died in a fire. If that’s true, maybe he’s running with the child to protect her from someone. For now, Martha, we need to give him the benefit of doubt.”

“I agree, Matt. You get some rest. I’ll sit with the child.”

“Thank you, my dear. If there’s any change, come get me.”

“Of course. Now, go.”

‘Soothing voice, can you hear me? I feel better now. I’m not as hot. Can you hear me? Where’s my Daddy? Oh, why can’t you hear me?’

Martha sat next to me, softly humming, and rubbing my forehead with a damp cloth. She prayed for my recovery, but I knew she just wasted her time. God doesn’t listen.

“Excuse me, ma’am?”

“Yes, Eddie.”

“I haven’t seen the doctor in hours. Has there been any change?”

“Her fever’s broken, but she’s still unconscious. We can’t do anymore until she’s awake. You should try to sleep. It may be a while before she wakes up.”

“Thank you. I’ll try.” Daddy stood next to me and looked at my frail, limp body, then went back to the parlor. 

Days passed before I awakened. My fever was gone and the pain in my stomach had subsided, but my body still ached all over. Sitting up, I looked around the room. A white-haired woman slept in a chair across from me. She had a book on her lap and her head bobbed back and forth. I felt I should lie down and not wake her… 

“Well, little one, you’re awake.” The doctor came to the side of the table, smiling. 

“Yes, sir. I just woke up.”

“I’m Doctor Brandon. Sleeping beauty there”—he pointed to the woman in the chair—“is my wife, Martha. She’s been with you day and night since you were brought in here.”

“Yes, sir. I heard her humming and telling me everything would be all right.”

“That’s my Martha.” He smiled. “So, how do you feel?”

“Better. I tried telling you what happened, but no one could hear me.” I looked into the slightly wrinkled face of the kind doctor.

“What do you mean, child?”

“When I got here. I was talking, but you couldn’t hear me. I wanted to tell you what happened to make me sick.”

“Well, I can hear you now, so you go on and tell me what happened.”

“Greg, that’s Uncle Frank’s son. He gave me a seed from the yard, and the shell had little holes all over it. He made me eat it and that’s when I got sick.”

“I see. And, what else did Greg make you do?”

Dr. Brandon was old, with silvery-grey hair, hazel eyes and a friendly smile. It would be easy to talk to him, but I knew I had to be careful. Daddy had warned me about old people who would pump kids for information they had no business knowing.

“Nothing, sir.” 

“Did anyone else make you do something you didn’t want to do?”

“Where’s my Daddy?”

“I’m right here, baby. You had daddy so scared. I thought I was gonna lose you.”

“I’m sorry, Daddy. I feel better now.”

“Well, hello there, little one. I’m Martha. Do you think you can eat something?”

“Maybe.” I smiled.

“Well, I just happen to have some chicken soup on the stove. I’ll be right back with a bowl.”

Doctor Brandon said he’d be back in a few minutes too, then he followed his wife out of the room. Daddy waited until they were out of hearing range, then whispered, “Sarah, be careful, don’t tell these people anything about us. You’re Suzy and I’m Eddie.” 

“I know Daddy. I heard you tell them. I couldn’t open my eyes and no one could hear me, but I heard everything you said.”

“We need to get outta here, Sarah. Do you think you can walk?”

“I don’t know. I can try, if you help me.”

Daddy swung my legs over the side of the table and put his arm around my waist to help me stand. My legs felt wobbly, and when I tried to take a step I would’ve fallen had he not caught me. 

“What are you doing!? This child’s far too weak to be out of bed!” Dr. Brandon exclaimed, coming back into the room.

“Sorry, Doc, but we need to get going. How much do I owe you?”

“I’m serious, Eddie, or whatever your name is! We need to get nourishment into her and I need to monitor her for a few days…”

“Like I said, Doc. We need to get going. I’ll get her food and I’ll make sure she gets plenty of rest. So, how much?”

“Three hundred. My wife’s bringing the soup in just a minute. Won’t you wait until the child’s had a chance to eat something?” he pleaded.

Daddy laid the money on the table. “Tell her thanks. And thank you, Doc.”

“Thank you, Dr. Brandon,” I said. “Please tell Martha bye for me.”

“I will child. I will. Goodbye.”

Daddy opened the car door for me, then looked back at the doctor’s office. He didn’t feel good leaving witnesses, but he didn’t think killing them would be wise either. Besides, he didn’t know if they’d already told someone.

He could only hope the money would keep the doctor quiet, but if the cops were called, he figured we’d be in California before anyone could catch us. Smiling, Daddy helped me into the back seat and covered me with my blanket.

“How does that feel, sweetie?”

“Fine, Daddy, but I wish we could’ve stayed for the soup. I’m really hungry now.”

“I’ll get you some soup very soon, I promise. We just had to get outta there, Sarah. That old man was getting suspicious.”

“I wouldn’t have told him anything. Honest!”

“I know you wouldn’t on purpose, Sarah. But guys
like that can get you sayin’ things before you realize it. Lie down and rest, and when you wake up we’ll get you that soup.”

I pulled my blanket up around my neck, and it wasn’t long before I was dreaming of happier times with Mama running through a field of blue flowers, and Daddy sitting on a blanket waiting for us….
Fried chicken, potato salad, cookies, and lemonade were spread out. Everyone was laughing…Hey kid, down on your knees…

“No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!” I screamed. 

“Sarah, wake up! Sarah!” He shook me fiercely. “Wake up, baby. It’s daddy.”