Beyond Tantra: Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex (28 page)

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Stephan’s Story

Many times over the years I had suggested to Mieke that we experiment with something new or different to try and re-invigorate our sex life. To be honest, the response I received was often less than enthusiastic. The basic message I thought I heard was, ‘I’m not really interested in sex with you, so why should I try something different?’ In addition, I thought I sensed an undertone of ‘why can’t you just be normal like everyone else and stick to natural practices?’ This double negative response was enough to put anyone off and I soon gave up on the idea of injecting variety into our sex life, no matter how many books and articles I read suggesting it was the thing to do for a flagging relationship.

When Mieke and I finally started to talk about our feelings and attitudes to sex, I realized pretty quickly that I had not actually heard correctly and that my

‘sense’ was completely off. In reality, she just hadn’t felt safe before and interpreted my experimentation suggestions as ‘you’re not good enough as you are’. If nothing else, this showed me, yet again, how useful those communications exercises were that I had resisted so much in the beginning. Once we had some basic safety based on trust and communication in place, I discovered that Mieke was actually quite amenable to discussing anything at all. That didn’t mean she wanted to try everything we read about, but then neither did I. We soon discovered, however, that it was a lot of fun reading and learning about the incredible variety of human sexual experience out there. Some of it totally baffled me (I’ve never fancied being tied up and whipped, for example) but I began to see how different everyone is and that what generates Sexual Qi for one person is not necessarily what turns someone else on at all.

Since I tended to be the one who did the research in our Sacred Sex project, we soon settled into an ‘I’ll tell you about some crazy stuff I’ve just read about and you tell me what you think’ pattern. What we discovered was that, when I first read about something new, we often found ourselves shaking our heads and saying, ‘Hmmm. I don’t think so.’ But one or two things somehow seemed to stick or catch our attention and we would find ourselves discussing them again a few months later and sometimes trying them out. I also started to pay attention to things which I somehow sensed might be ‘good’ for me but that I was resisting – sort of like the process I went through when I first read about the communication exercises.

What I discovered after a while is that, for me, there seems to be two kinds of variety when it comes to Sexual Qi. The first type of variety is the thrill of the unknown or new. It can be really fun to try something you’ve never done before and it can definitely get the juices flowing! The second time can also be great but

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex I noticed that, by the third time, it’s often not quite as much fun. Those particular practices often fall by the wayside after a while. The second kind of variety happens when we start to work with a new practice and I sense that a fundamental opening of a new channel for Sexual Qi is taking place. What seems to occur is that, once the initial buzz is over, I start to sense whether the Sexual Qi flow is increasing in a sustainable way or whether it’s just a temporary jolt. It is like the difference between an adrenaline-based rush of muscle power versus strength built up over time. The sustainable flows are a good sign that this is a variety that is worth including in our regular Sacred Sex practice. Practising Sacred Sex outdoors (or at least in a tent) is an example of one such practice that we have both found to be highly beneficial.

Mieke’s Story

I had always been very sceptical about having mechanical devices in my kitchen; I kept them to a minimum, wanting to do it the ‘natural way’. I felt the same about vibrators. Why should I use a machine, when I have perfectly good fingers?

In the women’s workshop, we were introduced to different ‘toys’: not just vibrators but other things, too. I had to overcome some resistance at first, but hey, we were all in it together, and I was not the only one who had not much experience with these ‘playthings’! I learned a lot in a short time! It would have been nearly impossible for me to do all these things by myself; I’m so grateful for this opportunity.

One of the things I learned was to spend time with myself. I had never been very good at this but, after the course, I made a point of finding some time for myself. I found that it is actually important to make the time to relax first, to do something nice like listening to music, or take a bath, and only after this start

‘playing’ with toys or vibrators. I discovered a whole new range of feelings and sensations when using a vibrator. The vibrations actually relax the whole pelvic area and thigh muscles in a very different way, which cannot be achieved with fingers. I experimented with G-spot and clitoral stimulation, on their own and together, in different combinations.

I found it really easy to talk with women about these things; there was a feeling of us ‘girls’ sharing secrets, giggling, being totally honest, sometimes outra-geous.... The women’s workshop seemed just the thing that helped me to overcome another hurdle. It was not that I did not want to talk to Stephan about these things: it just felt awkward; I was not used to it. When I came back from the workshop, I felt inspired and full of energy, eager to try something different

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with Stephan, and we did! We watched videos, looked at the Kama Sutra for new postures, discussed different things we had seen. We laughed at some of the experiments we tried, and had a lot of fun together.

Things to try

This chapter is different. Instead of exercises, it contains a list of some things you and your partner might want to consider experimenting with. Talk to each other and trust your body. If it feels good for both of you, great! If not, try something else. Above all, relax and explore gently with lots of communication and at your own pace.

Massage

• Alternate light and firm touch. Use feathers, silk scarves, or your hair to provide lovely sensations.

• Lightly-scented (warm) oil is lovely.

• Feet are a very special part of the body when it comes to massage.

There is a specific kind of foot massage, called reflexology, that maps the entire body onto the soles of the feet. You might want to get a little book about this and learn how to work on specific areas that need attention.

• Go on a weekend massage course or get a book/video on (erotic) massage.

• It’s extremely beneficial for men (especially those over fifty) to receive an anal prostate massage. You might want to use latex gloves and lots of lubrication for this and proceed very gently and slowly with lots of communication!

Oral Sex

Fingers are great but tongues and lips are fantastic! Talk to each other and tell each other what you’re comfortable giving and receiving orally. Find out what reservations you may have and see what you might do to allay any concerns.

Some oral sex pointers:

• Cleanliness is good. Perfumes and deodorants are not so good as they

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex taste awful. If a woman or man is healthy, hot water and a little bit of soap is all that is necessary to be fresh and attractive.

• Oral sex can be very stimulating. From a Sacred Sex point of view, this means that you need to be very careful and sensitive and stop well in advance of ‘the point of no return’ for men. When giving oral sex to a woman, remember that many women have an extremely sensitive clitoris. Proceed with utmost caution and practise the start / stop / start

/ stop technique just like in the Yoni massage. In this case, less is truly more.

Helpers

There are a number of devices, also known as ‘sex toys’ in the West, that can be of great assistance when learning how to generate Sexual Qi. Almost all are for women. Here are some of the most common:

• The Jade Egg is a piece of stone shaped like an egg that has traditionally been used by Chinese women to strengthen and train their vaginal muscles. A piece of string is threaded through a small holed drilled through its centre for easy retrieval. There are also advanced egg exercises that involve lifting a weight suspended from the egg.

• Dildos have been around for hundreds of years and are very handy for g-spot massage. There are some special models, with a little hook-shape at the end, that can reach spots in a way that fingers can’t.

• Vibrators allow many women to experience orgasmic energy (sometimes for the first time) when and where they want to. However, the stimulation they provide is concentrated on the clitoris and/or g-spot and, because it is so intense, the resulting Sexual Qi can be so strong that it can be difficult to stay aware and direct it through the body.

Mieke’s experience is that they are great but that you may want to take a regular break from using them, to avoid getting your body stuck in any particular Sexual Qi groove.

Different love-making positions

The ancient Indian book called the Kama Sutra, a copy of which may be a good investment, details dozens of positions, some of which are quite acrobatic.

The different positions provide not only variety but also allow Jade Stalk and Yoni to meet at different angles and depths that stimulate Sexual Qi in different ways. The ‘woman on top’ positions are, for many women, much more fulfilling

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than the familiar ‘man on top’ or missionary positions. Another benefit of the

‘woman on top’ positions, especially for men who excite easily, is that most men find that they are more relaxed when they are on their back and can control their ejaculation more easily.

If you are brand-new to experimenting with different positions, you might even want to incorporate a ‘try a new position exercise’ into your Sacred Sex session. Dual Cultivation is all about Qi circulation and it makes perfect sense to try different positions and find out what works well for you. We also found that it’s perfectly OK if a position does not work well for you or if you both collapse in a giggling heap while trying one of the more challenging Kama Sutra positions. At the end of the day, it’s also about having fun!