Beyond Tantra: Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex (20 page)

Of course, it was all right for Stephan to touch me without stimulating me.

Touch was important to maintain the contact between us.

It turned out to be one of the wilder sessions. But, fascinatingly enough, Stephan experienced several orgasms and managed not to ejaculate until much later. I was really proud of him, and pleased with myself too.

Stephan’s Story

As I mentioned in my story in the Circulate Sexual Qi chapter, ejaculation control was definitely on the agenda when Mieke and I started doing Dual Cultivation exercises. I honestly don’t think I lasted more than about five minutes in the beginning, which was quite disappointing for both of us. Learning to draw Sexual Qi up the spine helped a great deal but I soon realized that there was more work to be done. So, as usual, I went back to the books. This time I read about the Neo-Tantric Jade Stalk Massage which, in theory, was an opportunity to learn how to manage the ejaculation impulse and also separate orgasm from ejaculation. I was sceptical. I mean, I thought ejaculation was orgasm! But it sounded like a brilliant concept and I figured it couldn’t hurt to try it.

So Mieke went ahead and arranged an evening when we would give it a try.

She set up our Sacred Space with nice music, a fire and some incense.

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Now it’s your turn.’

We started with a nice, relaxing back massage for me.

‘Now it’s time to turn over,’ she said.

I did and reached out to touch her. I really like touching Mieke and I can get quite excited when I do.

‘Uh-uh,’ she said. ‘Tonight I do the touching. You just lie down and relax.’

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Whoops. This was something new. I was used to being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted and I wasn’t at all used to this situation. It wasn’t that I had any objections to the idea, it’s just that it felt really strange.

Mieke started the Jade Stalk Massage. It was lovely and after a while I started to feel excited, especially when I got an erection. I reached out and touched her leg.

‘Hold on,’ she said. ‘Relax. Keep breathing!’

Wow. I didn’t even realize what I had done. I suddenly saw that during my whole life what had happened when I got excited was that I always ‘did’ something. I literally did not know how to simply relax and be excited.

‘Wait a minute,’ I said. ‘If I just relax I’ll probably lose my erection.’

‘That’s OK,’ she answered. ‘I don’t mind at all.’

Well, that was something new as well. All of a sudden I realized that I had a deeply-held belief that once I had an erection, I had to keep it. I believed that otherwise the woman would feel like I had lost interest and that she would go away or not want to have sex anymore or something like that. My arms that refused to stay still demonstrated this clearly to me. I had a very enjoyable Jade Stalk Massage that evening and did my best to relax and keep breathing.

The next week we had one of our normal Sacred Sex sessions scheduled, which usually followed a pattern of Yoni Massage, Jade Stalk Massage and a lovemaking session that might also contain some experimentation with anything new we had read about lately. As we started to get ready, Mieke said:

‘I’d like to do things differently this evening.’

‘Really?’ I replied. ‘How?’

‘Well, I noticed last week that it was really difficult for you to keep your hands to yourself when I was working on Jade Stalk. It seems like you always have to do something or you don’t stay excited.’

‘Hmmm. That’s probably true,’ I said.

‘Well, let’s do something very different tonight. Tonight you aren’t allowed to do anything, and I mean
anything
, at all. I’m in total control and you just lie there and relax,’ she said.

I can honestly say that that was one of the most memorable Sacred Sex sessions that I’ve ever had. It totally turned my view of myself upside down as I realized that I, too, could receive. I also realized that Mieke loves to give, which is something I had completely missed all those years when I was so busy ‘doing’.

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex
Jade Stalk Massage Exercise

Goals

•

Learn to relax while receiving sexual stimulation

•

Learn to control ejaculation and separate ejaculation from orgasm
Duration

One to two hours

What you’ll need

Your Sacred Sex Space together with your oil, your music etc. Some clean towels. The man might want to take a shower beforehand in order to feel clean and relaxed.

DESCRIPTION

In the Jade Stalk Massage, the man is the Receiver and the woman is the Giver. This exercise, just like the Yoni Massage, has a long, detailed description.

You may want to read all the way through the description for the Jade Stalk Massage first before beginning.

STAGE 1: DISPERSING THE QI

The Taoists observed that men’s Sexual Qi is concentrated in their genital area. In plain language, this means that when men get excited their attention tends to be focused on their Jade Stalk. When a Jade Stalk receives stimulation, the Sexual Qi ‘charge’ builds quickly, reaches a peak and then the Sexual Qi leaves the body via the shortest route, i.e. ejaculation. Dual Cultivation teaches a man to spread Sexual Qi throughout his body. This slows down the build-up of the ‘charge’ or urge to ejaculate and means that the ‘point of no return’ is delayed.

So why would a man want to delay his ejaculation? The obvious answer is that a man can spend more time making love with his partner, which gives her a chance to get her Sexual Qi flowing. The less obvious answer is that men, too, can increase, refine and direct their Sexual Qi by using the stimulate / relax /

stimulate / relax technique.

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Stage 1 therefore concentrates on moving Sexual Qi away from the genital area and into the rest of the body.

Both partners:
Start your session with the Greeting Ritual as described in the Yoni Massage.

Man:
Lie down on your stomach and make yourself comfortable. Put a cushion under your head if you prefer. Relax. Breath slowly and deeply from your belly. Let your attention flow out of your head and into your body.

Woman:
Take fifteen minutes or so to give your partner a ‘Dispersing the Qi’

warm-up massage. Start with the man lying on his stomach. Try this: imagine a heap of warm, white clay on top of your partner’s sacrum (the bone at the base of his spine). Now, spread this imaginary clay in a thin layer over his entire body by using long strokes that start at the sacrum. Pull your hands down his legs, up his spine and down his arms always making sure you pull away from the sacrum.

Visualize that the warmth from the clay is spread over his entire body.

When you’re done with his back, slowly turn him over and repeat the same slow movements. Avoid touching his Jade Stalk or testicles while doing this, as you don’t want his Sexual Qi to rise too quickly.

Man:
During the ‘Dispersing the Qi’ massage, you may feel your body begins to sensitize and even tingle a bit. Breathe into any part of your body that starts to awaken in this way. ‘Breathe into’ means that you take a deep breath and, when you exhale, you direct your attention to a specific area of your body.

This helps you to relax and open. You can also practise gently circulating your Qi if you feel that you are becoming at all aroused. Observe what happens when you do this.

STAGE 2: HONOUR YOUR PARTNER AND CONNECT THE CIRCUIT

Woman: Honour your partner and connect the circuit as described in the Yoni Massage.

STAGE 3: LEG, THIGH AND HUI YIN MASSAGE

Sexual Qi flows best through a relaxed body. It’s quite common for men to tense up when their Sexual Qi starts to flow, even if they try hard not to. Other men don’t actually have a strong Sexual Qi flow and this is more common than many people realize. Many scientists believe that this is yet another side-effect of the PCB-related1 xeno-oestrogens in our environment. However, most sexologists agree that the greatest cause of impotence,
i.e.
the failure to get an erection, 1 Polychlorinated Biphenyls. See www.epa.gov/opptintr/pcb/

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex is tension. So you can’t lose with this exercise as it helps create the right conditions for Sexual Qi to flow as well as dispersing it through the body.

Woman:
Move into the Jade Stalk Massage position as illustrated. Start by using long ‘Dispersing the Chi’ strokes down the legs and thighs. You can then move into massaging or kneading the back of the thighs by reaching right up under your partner and working on his buttocks. Watch carefully for feedback about what works for him and adjust your strokes accordingly.

Man:
Give positive, directional feedback. Stay very aware of your Sexual Qi and make sure to ask your partner to slow down or even stop her movements if you sense that you are becoming too excited. One of the great things about being a man is that there is a pretty obvious sign when this is happening.