Betrayal (9 page)

‘I am sorry
Brad’ I whisper and his eyes move to mine cautiously.

‘For me
finding out or for getting pregnant?’ he is quietly angry.

‘For you
finding out’ I reply stubbornly.

‘Right, is
this daddy?’ the midwife enquires as she takes the seat beside the scan machine.

‘Yes’ I
whisper.

‘I wondered
whether we were going to meet you’ she chats politely as she lifts my top and
moves the probe over my abdomen, ‘you are already quite a size Maddison for
twenty weeks we will have to monitor you more closely especially being so tiny
it may be that you require a C-section’

‘Oh I would
rather have a natural birth’ I inform her.

‘We will see’
the probe glides over my middle area, ‘so are we finding out the sexes?’

‘Yes please’ I
murmur excitedly.

‘Sexes’ I hear
Brad murmur.

She moves the
probe and freezes the screen for a moment, ‘well number one is, a girl’ she
grins and I gasp a daughter!  I am grinning from ear to ear as she continues,
‘it is always hard with twins as you have to be sure it isn’t the same one’ she
mutters.

‘Twins!’ Brad
mumbles before sitting in the seat next to the bed.

‘Yes’ the
midwife turns to Brad, ‘you ok over there?’ she frowns slightly at Brad’s
shock.

‘We aren’t
together’ I murmur ‘he has just found out’

‘Oh I see’ she
appears unfazed by this fact but I guess she hears all sorts during her day ‘which
doesn’t mean you cannot be great parents separately’ she states as she
continues to search for baby number two. ‘Ah there we are’ she turns to me ‘and
a boy, one of each how fantastic!’ she grins.

‘Oh wow’ my
heart melts as my hand moves to my mouth to prevent the sob escaping as tears
form in my eyes.

‘Congratulations!’
the midwife beams, ‘now I just need to take a few measurements’

As we exit the
room my mind is filled with pink and blues, I am walking on air as we make it
as far as the car park before he explodes.

‘So I take it
you wasn’t taking any form of contraception then Maddison?’ he roars as he runs
a frustrated hand through his hair.

My insides and
mood take a distinct nosedive as I turn to face the most handsome man on the
planet.

‘Brad, I never
set out to do this I promise’ I speak quietly.

‘Answer the
goddam question’ his lips are tight across his teeth and his eyes are black not
with desire but with rage.

‘No’ I have
the decency to lower my eyes in shame.

‘So you used
me!’ he accuses.

‘No! It wasn’t
like that.  The first time I got as carried away as you did’ I reminded him
that we both forgot to be safe on that occasion, ‘then after that I guess I
thought the damage had already been done’

‘Are you for
real’ he runs his hands through his hair.

‘No I am
fucked up’ I remind him, ‘I wanted a baby and had every intention of having one
with donor sperm when I returned home.  After I met you and we forgot contraception
I decided that I would love to have your baby….. I never thought for a moment
that you would track me down you wasn’t supposed to find out!’ I explode.

‘So you would
have had my children and never informed me?  You of all people know Maddison
that I cannot do this again.  I lost my son and my world fell apart I swore I
would never put myself through that again.  I should have listened you are
fucked up! I am out!’ he turns and storms off towards the car park leaving me stranded
with my mouth open as I watch him leave my life for the second time.

I re-enter the
maternity clinic and sit in the café with a peppermint tea calming my mind and
my insides.  What a rollercoaster of emotions, I am so happy that I have my son
and daughter safely inside me but their father is furious with me.  Oh well, my
mind prompts me, at least he will stay away now but my heart is aching with the
knowledge that I have caused him so much pain especially reminding him of
Daniel.

I sit there
for an hour before calling a cab and returning to the shop.  I sit in the
corner library area of the shop and observe my surroundings.  I have always
been proud of my achievements in regards to this place but maybe Courtney was
right maybe it is time to sell up and start again somewhere else.

I call the
estate agent and ask for someone to visit for a chat then call Courtney and
explain what has happened waiting for the ‘I told you so’ speech. 

********

‘Hi Lucy’ I finally
answer my phone.

‘Brad hi, we
were beginning to think that you were avoiding us’ Lucy declares an anxious
edge to her voice.

‘No, just
busy’ I attempt to be casual.

‘Dinner
tonight?’ she offers gently.

‘Sorry Lucy I
am just not good company right now’ I admit.

‘Brad when I
needed someone you were there please let me return the favor’ she murmurs
quietly.

‘I can’t Luce
sorry, got to go’ and I disconnect the call.  The last thing I need is a
pregnant woman with hormones giving her opinion on the fact I have turned my
back on my children.  Every time I say those words in my head a sharp pain
pierces into my soul, I never desired any more babies I specifically ensured it
would never happen.  Yes, I forgot momentarily with Maddison that first time
but what woman isn’t on contraception these day?  I groan that is the most
ridiculous statement I have ever made it was as much my responsibility I am
aware of that.

My mind
revisits the day we awoke to find our son dead in his cot and I shake it away I
will never forget that memory however hard I try.  No one should ever lose a
child the pain never ceases.  I had stirred to find that Charlotte was asleep
beside me and wondered why Daniel had not woken us.  I enjoyed every moment of
being a dad and moved over to the crib in the corner to get a sneaky cuddle
before Charlotte awoke and began the feeding.  As I leaned in to lift Daniel I
noticed his blue face….my hand runs over my face as I recall the chaos that
ensued, the screaming the ambulance, the men that took my son away in a box. 
How I got through the next few months is a blur, I had to remind myself to
breathe in and out every day until one day I didn’t and began to exist. 

Then there was
the next drama which involved me coming in from work early to find my wife
spread across the dining room table with my brother rocking into her.  Even
then I didn’t feel anything I was numb standing there as the drama intensified
and they noticed my presence.  Then more screaming and tears over the fact I
had ceased to do my husbandly duties because I couldn’t get over the death of
my son.

I picture
Maddison’s face when I entered into the shop, she looked stunning pregnant or
not! How could she do this to me? I thought she was special, different but
turns out she betrayed me too!

Once again I
find I have the need to remind myself to breath in and out to prevent the pain
that sears through me.  I am not emotionally fit to become a dad again even a
part time one I couldn’t become attached to another and sit and watch them
sleep every night waiting for the day that they don’t wake.

My phone
distracts me and I view the caller id, Cameron!  I sigh, Lucy has obviously
called in the big guns.

‘Cameron I am
fine’ I answer.

‘Beer?’ he
calls and I sigh.

‘Sure’

Cameron is
already seated at our regular table when I enter the bar with a beer waiting.

‘So I guess
that is warm’ I complain as I lift it to check but it is surprisingly cold as I
swallow down a mouthful.

‘Well hi Brad
good to see you too’ Cameron perks up, ‘you are welcome for the drink by the
way’

‘Sorry mate’ I
put my hand out to shake Cameron’s hand, ‘good to see you’

‘So what’s
up?’ Cameron takes my hand in a swift shake, ‘cheers’

‘Cheers’ I
take another mouthful, maybe drink is the answer, ‘what do you reckon?’ I test.

‘The woman
from Antigua I reckon’

‘Spot on. 
This is a mess’ I run my hand through my hair ‘I don’t know where to start’

‘At the
beginning my friend I have all night’

Three pints
later and Cameron is frowning, ‘Brad I am so sorry mate I had no idea’

‘No-one did,
except Maddison’

‘Wow. Do you
love her?’ Cameron appears affected by my story I guess because of the fact
that Lucy is pregnant with their first child.

‘That’s
irrelevant now she has deceived me nothing can be built on that’

‘Did you love
her before you found out she was pregnant?’ Cameron probes.

I nod, ‘from
the moment I first laid eyes on her. As soon as she left I missed her like
crazy her and her fuckedupness.  I have never, not even with my ex-wife, felt
the need to be in someone’s company constantly as though there was a piece
missing when she wasn’t there.  With Maddison…..’ I shake my head.

‘So the
babies? You aren’t going to have any contact?’ his eyes betrays his words I can
tell he is judging.

‘I can’t go
through that again Cam it almost killed me, and two of them….’ I glance at
Cameron’s face, ‘I realize this is a little too close to your heart right now,
how is Lucy?’

‘Upset that
you have closed down on her….but otherwise blooming, huge!’

‘You can share
with her if you feel the need but I cannot see Lucy right now not with the
pregnancy thing’

‘I understand’
Cameron nods, ‘but we are your friends Brad don’t forget that and Lucy
especially holds you dear to her heart….if it hadn’t have been for you things
may have been very different for us’

‘Just give me
a bit of time’ I request and he nods silently.

‘Sure and
meanwhile if you fancy a drink or a chat anytime just call’ Cameron insists.

‘Thanks mate,
I am away for eight weeks on a commission now anyway but I will keep in touch’
I promise.

********

Although I am relieved
that things are out in the open now in respect of the pregnancy and who is the
father I cannot prevent the disappointment that surges through my veins at the
fact Brad has not even attempted to contact me and talk.  I am aware that I
have exactly what I wished for but seeing him again has done crazy things to my
insides.  I miss him more than ever and although I am exultant that I have his
children I am miserable that I deceived him so badly. 

If he held no
faith in woman-kind before I am confident I have well and truly hit the nail in
the coffin now and for that I am truly regretful.

The past eight
weeks since I last saw him have been extremely difficult and it doesn’t help
that I have so many changes surrounding me.

I have
recently purchased a gorgeous cottage in Dorset overlooking the beach on the
South coast, it has miles of unspoiled beaches and countryside an ideal place
to bring up children.  As it was vacant things have moved along rapidly, my
guess is that my Nan would be pleased with the purchase I made from the
proceeds of her estate.

I completed on
the sale two weeks ago after an extensive survey and presently have the
builders in renovating it for me to move into hopefully within the next couple
of weeks. 

I decided to
keep the coffee shop a decision I made after realizing that it was only two and
a half hours drive from Dorset.  I imagine I will have my hands full for a
while so employ Cassie to manage the place.

‘So what are
you doing with the flat above?’ Cassie questions.

‘Well, I was
going to leave it how it is so when I visit we have somewhere to stay’

‘Ok well if
you decide to rent it out will you give me first offer as it would be
convenient with the hours I plan on doing’

‘Ok, let me
have a think’ I promise, I should have a base here really in case I need to
sort any issues out and I plan to drive down maybe once a month to check on
things.

The size of me
becomes a problem as the pregnancy progresses not to mention the stairs.  I
have such a small frame that the weight is beginning to tire me out and my back
aches horrendously by the end of the day.

‘I don’t want
to have to scare you with the words
bed rest
Maddison but you really
should be taking things easy now, you are thirty weeks but you have twins.  The
chances of you reaching full-term is highly unlikely and we don’t want any
complications do we?’ the midwife lectures me.

‘No absolutely
not, have you arranged for my notes to be transferred to Dorset yet?’ I
enquire.

‘Yes that is
being arranged, when you go?’ she enquires.

‘Saturday’

‘Ok I will
hurry that along but please you need to keep your feet up more’

‘Not so easy
when I own a coffee shop’ I inform her, ‘but point taken’

‘Well good
luck’ she grins, ‘any luck with daddy?’ her eyes regard me carefully Sarah had
become more of a friend than a midwife during the past months.