Authors: S Michaels
As I sit in
the waiting room I touch my phone on to view the selfie on the front screen of
Brad and me on the sunbed in Antigua. We were probably a bit tipsy it was the
last afternoon and I had smothered him with sun cream as I straddled him as I
had the first time we kissed and I reminded him that every time a woman applied
sun cream to his body he was to remember the way I did it. He had flipped me
over and whispered in my ear that every time a man touched me always remember
it was better when he had done it.
I smile at our
happy faces grinning up into the camera just as my name is called.
The midwife
takes some notes before I climb up onto the bed and she moves the jellied probe
over my abdomen. I have a full bladder so find the whole thing uncomfortable
but observe the screen hoping to catch a glimmer of my baby.
‘Right’ the
midwife freezes the screen for a moment then looks hard, ‘well’ she grins, ‘I
am just going to get someone to check…’
‘Oh my god
what’s wrong?’ I panic.
‘Nothing I can
see’ she stands and moves to the door. I spend the next few minutes imagining
all sorts of things. Why didn’t I ask Brad what baby Daniel died of what if
it’s a genetic problem oh my god no…this is my karma!
‘Ok Ms Connor
let’s have a look’ another midwife arrives what feels like an age later with
the original one and she moves the probe once again over my abdomen. ‘See that
tiny blinking there’ she points to the screen.
‘Yes’ I
breathe my insides churning as I await the punchline.
‘Well that’s
the heartbeat’ she smiles and I relax slightly.
‘So all is
ok?’ I confirm.
‘And see that
there’ she points back to the screen and I frown.
‘That’s
another, you are having twins Ms Connor’
‘Twins’ my
face splits into the biggest grin ‘oh my god twins?’
‘I take it
this is good news?’ her grin is almost as big as mine.
‘Absolutely!’
tears appear in my eyes and roll down my cheek, ‘twins’ I squeak and she pats
my hand.
I walk out of
the clinic on cloud nine, which is why I am growing quickly – I have two babies
inside me Brad would be chuffed. I stop myself why would Brad be chuffed? Brad
doesn’t want to do the whole fatherhood thing again he expressed vehemently
that he couldn’t go through it all again.
The scan
photos I have safely in my handbag bring the reality to the situation, I am
going to be a mum! I pass by the baby shop and grin as I look at the window I
will be back soon. I have so much to arrange before the birth, I am eleven
weeks so we must have made our babies at the beginning of the holiday.
I pop into a
maternity wear shop and purchase a couple of pair of leggings and jeans it seems
I am going to become huge rapidly. I pick up some stretch mark cream and a
couple of maternity bras as my boobs are spilling out of my normal ones.
I drop off my
purchases and return to the shop floor, ‘I am back Cassie if you want to take
your break’ I inform one of the senior girls.
‘Sure thanks
Maddie, oh hey a guy popped in and left you a card asking you to call him. He
was hot for an old guy’ she hands me a business card and I have to hold on to
the counter as my head swims for a moment. ‘Are you ok?’ Cassie calls moving
me over to a chair and sitting me down.
‘Yes, sorry I
haven’t eaten yet’ I mumble as I sip the water she brings me. I glance at the
card, Brad’s name jumps out at me with his contact details I turn it over in my
hand and read the scribble,
I miss you, call me x
No! This isn’t
supposed to happen! How does he know where I am? I put my head in my hands and
Cassie plonks down a pastry.
‘Eat!’ she
instructs, ‘you have just started to look well again’ she reminds me.
‘Where did you
say I was?’ I call over to Cassie who is five feet of attitude with her blonde
elf-like haircut and heavy black eyeliner.
‘I told him
you went for a baby scan’ she grins.
My heart drops
into my feet ‘Cassie!’
‘Relax, I told
him you had an appointment. Is that the baby daddy then?’
‘Cassie’ I
hiss ‘please don’t talk like that in front of anyone’
‘Chill no one
can hear me’ she assures me ‘I take it that’s a yes’
Cassie is one
of the few people that can get away with talking to me in such a manner mainly
because she watched as I went through all the heartache with Mason and was
unbelievably supportive working all the hours while I fell apart. I am hoping
when I find a beach house that she will manage this place for me.
I will just
ignore his note and hope he gets the message I decide as I drop his card into
my handbag and pick at the pastry that sits before me.
********
Four weeks
later and I feel much better in myself my skin and hair appear to have had
brightened and despite the tiredness I feel great! I look more than four
months pregnant though and everyone is now aware and fusses around me. I am
driving down to Cornwall for the weekend to view a few prospective properties
and Courtney is joining me. Courtney is the only person I haven’t informed of
my pregnancy because she is the only one that will be immediately aware of who
the father is.
I have a pair
of maternity leggings and a white sweatshirt on when she explodes into the
shop.
‘Hello besty!’
she calls smiling over from the door and I cannot prevent the grin that splits
from my face.
‘Hey you’ I
move to hug her but she holds up a hand her face draining before me.
‘What the
fuck’ her eyes move to mine and I flush ‘Brad?’
I nod, ‘let me
explain’
‘Oh Maddie’
she pulls me in for a hug, ‘what have you done?’
‘I wanted a
baby’ I express to the only person who is conscious of my desperate need to
have my own family.
‘But this
isn’t the way Maddie’ she runs her hand over my bump ‘you must be only a few
months?’
‘Four but its
twins’ I cannot help the grin that appears across my face.
‘Twins! Is
this why the sudden need to move to the opposite end of the country?’ she sighs
‘I take it Brad knows nothing about this?’ I shake my head, ‘you cannot do
that Maddie’ we move to the counter.
I turn away
from her, ‘yes Court I can it is my choice, I don’t need anything from him I
have means of support. I was going to use a sperm donor anyway this way I keep
a piece of him too’
‘Honey life
doesn’t work like that he has a right to know his children’ she is serious but
I pout my lips determined not to allow her to add logic to the situation.
‘No they are
mine’ I state ‘he is none the wiser. I loved him Courtney but he wasn’t mine
to keep this is the next best thing’ I dash a tear away and she brings me into
her arms.
‘This isn’t
the way Maddie really it’s going to end badly’ she warns me.
********
‘I just don’t
think it’s going to be doable’ Courtney mentions as we drive home on the Monday
‘it is too far from the shop you would have to sell the shop you couldn’t have
two babies in the car for six hours it is just unrealistic’
‘Maybe I need
to look nearer to home’ I murmur disappointed that my dream is never going to
be fulfilled, you can never go back that’s what my Nan used to say only look
forward.
We walk into
the shop for a coffee before Courtney drives back to Surrey to find Cassie with
a strange look on her face. ‘Baby daddy’s been in again’ she whispers to me.
‘Oh no! What
today?’ the color drains from my face.
‘No yesterday,
says he will be back so get used to the idea. He is handsome when he is angry’
she grins.
‘So he is
trying to contact you’ Courtney states, ‘you forgot to mention that’
‘I told him I
wouldn’t be progressing things further I don’t know what he wants of me’ I
stress ‘ I need to pee’ I turn and open the door leading to my apartment over
the shop.
‘You pee for
England’ Courtney calls after me.
‘So would you
if you had two human beings bouncing on your bladder’ I jest although deep
inside I realize that I am not going to be able to conceal this from him if he
continues to pursue me. I close my eyes against the voices in my head that
warn me that Courtney is right this isn’t going to end well.
********
I am wary
over the next few weeks of every customer entering the shop just in case Brad
returns but begin to relax by the time I have my twenty week scan at the clinic.
I am dancing with excitement at the prospect of finding out the sex of my
babies. I dress in black leggings and a cream tunic leaving my shiny brown hair
hanging loose down my back, I apply some mascara to my long lashes and dab some
gloss over my lips.
Cassie
whistles as I come down the stairs, ‘hey sexy momma’ she calls as I grin over
at her my hands rubbing over my rounded stomach.
‘Off to the
clinic for the scan I won’t be long’ I call over as I move to the door.
‘Ok, no
worries’ she returns.
I glance up
and gasp as I find myself staring into an extremely shocked pair of gorgeous
brown eyes as I find myself face to face with Brad standing in the open doorway
of the shop.
‘Shit!’ I
curse as the color drains from his face.
‘What the
fuck!’ he murmurs his eyes fixated on my protruding abdomen.
‘Brad!’ I groan
my heart hammering in my chest.
His eyes
harden as they find mine, ‘what’s going on Maddison?’
‘I can’t stop
now Brad…’ I have an intense urge to run!
‘Yes you damn
well can!’ he mutters in his no nonsense voice that sends my insides quivering
with desire. My eyes move over him and drink in his features god I have missed
him is the only thought that occurs to me. As if he senses my emotion he sighs
and runs a hand through his hair, ‘is it mine?’
‘Are you
kidding me’ I fume before moving around him to exit the shop.
He takes my
arm gently and stops me in my tracks.
‘Seriously
Brad I have an appointment I cannot miss. I realize I owe you an explanation
but right now I have to leave’
‘So I hear for
a scan so you won’t mind if I join you’ he releases me and walks beside me fury
radiating from him. I almost believe that my heart beat can be heard in the adjacent
street as my mind computes the situation. I close my eyes in preparation of
the drama about to unfold.
‘My car is
here’ he directs me to a low slung Jaguar and opens the door. I hesitate my
hands protectively wrapped across my bump as I assess the situation. ‘In
Maddison’ he instructs his jaw tense. I realize there is no running from this
we need to have this conversation but I am not prepared to compromise on this
these are my babies.
‘Brad’ I
begin.
‘In Maddison’
he repeats and I frown.
‘You aren’t
the boss of me’ I inform him ‘and I haven’t asked anything of you’
‘And why is
that?’ his eyes are dark with anger his lips compressed against his even teeth.
‘Because I
don’t need anything from anyone, I am quite capable of taking care of my
family’ I lift my chin up defiantly towards him.
‘And mine too so
it seems’ he adds his voice is dripping with ice. This is a side to Brad that
I have never witnessed.
‘I need to get
to my appointment’ I remind him sighing.
‘So get in’
his eyes dare me to defy him and for a moment I intend to but once again
realize this needs to be discussed the sooner the better. I lower myself into
the passenger seat and clip my seatbelt on while Brad moves around the car.
‘What
hospital?’ his voice is so quiet yet so powerful.
I give him the
address of the maternity clinic and we pull off into the traffic.
‘So was you
ever going to tell me?’ he enquires after a few roads of tense silence.
‘No’ I shrug
stubbornly.
‘But why?’ he
sounds hurt and I turn to observe him.
‘Because I am
not prepared to share my family at weekends’ I urge him to comprehend.
‘Well that
isn’t your decision’ he mumbles quietly.
‘Besides you
informed me you couldn’t experience the fatherhood thing again….’I trail off as
I realize my words are harsh and unfeeling.
His eyes
sparkle towards me with what I know to be anger, ‘that’s a low blow Maddison’
he growls and I purse my lips ashamed that I went there.
We are sitting
in the waiting room in silence, ‘I should probably tell you that….’ I was about
to inform him that it is twins.
‘Maddison
Connor’ the midwife calls.
As I climb
onto the bed my whole body is aware of Brad beside me, I glance at him briefly
and notice he appears pale. He has only had fifteen minutes to get used to this
idea and I suddenly imagine how shocked he must feel.