“I don’t understand.”
“When the hitting first started, I went to see him. I thought I could talk to him confidentially, perhaps get some advice.”
“And?”
“And the advice I got was to be a better wife and to obey my husband.”
“Well fuck. That’s it? You were the cause, not the victim?”
“Yeah. It was my fault that he hit me.” She smiled weakly. “I wasn’t a good enough wife.”
Jacqueline just shook her head, watching Kay as her eyes shimmered with tears. She knew in her heart that if she’d stayed, she never would have allowed Kay to marry Billy Ray. But how arrogant is that? As if she could control these things. She wondered, if she’d stayed, if she would have been able to continue seeing Kay, being friends with her, without confessing her feelings? And then what? Kay would have been shocked, no doubt. She probably wouldn’t have wanted to see Jacqueline anymore, would have kept her at a distance until their friendship faded into the past. And Jacqueline would have ended up leaving anyway.
“What are you thinking about?”
Jacqueline looked up, unafraid to meet Kay’s eyes. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Okay. I was thinking that if I’d stayed here, I never would have allowed you to marry him. And then I was thinking that I didn’t control you and you could marry whomever you damn well pleased.”
Kay looked down at their hands that were still entwined. She pulled hers away finally, brushing the hair away from her eyes. “Not that I blame you in the least, Jackie, but the only reason I began dating Billy Ray in the first place was because you were seeing Daniel Thornton.”
“What? I wasn’t really seeing him, Kay.”
“Of course you were. Friday nights when you and I used to be together, you were with him. After football games, you went out with him and his friends.” Kay shrugged. “I was—”
Jealous? God, how would that
sound?
“I was lonely.”
“I went out with him because it was expected. Our parents pushed us together. But, it was then that I realized I didn’t like boys. Oh, we kissed a few times, made out, but I never slept with him. He really didn’t try all that hard.”
“Well, I guess we know why. Did you know then that he was gay?”
“Are you kidding? I hardly knew
I
was.”
“You heard what happened to him?”
“Yeah. Mr. Lawrence told me. We were talking about how my parents had my marriage all arranged, and he told me that Danny had died.”
“Yes. His parents took it very hard. I’ve always wondered if it was because he died or because he was gay and the whole town knew.
People can be funny about those things, you know.”
“You’re telling me!”
Kay laughed. “Tell me about your love life.”
“Change of subject?”
“I told you about my awful marriage. What about you? Is there someone waiting for you in California?”
“No, I . . . no. I live alone.”
Kay raised her eyebrows. “Surely there’s been someone?”
Jacqueline shook her head. “I haven’t met anyone that I wanted to . . .
live with, be with. I mean, I date, but . . .”
“You haven’t fallen in love?” Kay guessed.
Jacqueline drew her knees up, resting her cheek there as she looked at Kay. She recalled how her heart would race when they were together.
How, when they slept together, she would ache with the longing to wrap herself around Kay, to touch her. And how, at times like this, when they were alone, talking, the desire to kiss Kay was nearly too much for her. In love? Maybe. Or maybe just the feelings associated with that very first crush. But God, at night, she would dream of them together, dream of Kay coming to her with as much desire as Jacqueline had for Kay.
“Or maybe you have,” Kay said quietly.
Jacqueline blinked. “What?”
Kay smiled. “Your eyes got all dreamy. Were you thinking about her?”
Jacqueline blushed and looked away. “Yes, actually, I was.”
“Who is she?”
“No, it was someone from a long time ago. I never . . . I never was . . .
shit, it doesn’t matter.” Jacqueline poured more wine.
Kay was quiet, thinking. All those years ago, she had been devastated to lose her best friend, knowing in her heart that she would never be as close to another woman as she’d been Jackie. Now, here she was, sitting at their favorite spot near the river, sharing wine in plastic cups with the one person she was certain she would never see again.
“You know, I took a lot of heat after you left,” Kay admitted.
“How so?”
“Well, it was no secret that you spent most weekends at our house. I was teased mercilessly for weeks afterward.”
“I’m so sorry, Kay. I can imagine what they were saying to you.”
Kay laughed. “That’s just it. I was so naïve about things, I didn’t really know
what
they were saying. Mama had to explain to me exactly what a lesbian was.” She laughed again. “I told her she was wrong. You couldn’t possibly be a lesbian because you’d never once tried to kiss me.”
Jacqueline spit out the wine she had just sipped, coughing as she swallowed wrong. Kay tapped her back until she caught her breath.
Jacqueline turned slowly, knowing her face was red with embarrassment. But Kay’s eyes twinkled in amusement and Jacqueline relaxed.
“Funny.”
Kay laughed, punching Jacqueline’s arm, enjoying her embarrassment.
She never once had known Jackie to be flustered. “For awhile afterward, I always wondered why you hadn’t,” Kay finally confessed. In truth, it had bothered her a lot. She and Jackie were so close, closer than sisters.
“I . . . I would
never
have done that, Kay. Hell, I was confused but not . . . not like that,” she lied.
Shit
. “You know that, right? You were my best friend. I would never have destroyed that.”
“I know, Jackie. We were just kids.”
“It’s probably best that I left. Your reputation would have been shot to hell if I’d stayed.”
“Like I cared what this town thought.”
“Rene Turner?”
“Rene? Yes, she was the worst. I couldn’t even possibly repeat everything she said to me after you left.” Kay smiled, meeting Jackie’s eyes. “Rumor was you’d made a play for her, and she turned you down.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“She said you ripped her blouse in the locker room.”
Jackie nodded, then started laughing, the long ago memory surfacing.
“Well, well, well. Jackie Keys. Or should I say Jack Keys?”
Jackie tossed her towel into the bin, ignoring Rene.
“I guess this means Kay is your girlfriend?”
Jackie turned on her, her eyes flashing. “ Yo u leave Kay out of this.”
“Protective, aren’t we? How sweet.”
“What do you want, Rene?”
“Why nothing. It’s just that everyone is all surprised. I say, why should
they be? You and Kay have been inseparable for years. I guess
pretending to date Danny and Billy Ray, you thought no one would
know.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Kay and I are friends.”
“Oh, please.”
Jackie stood up straight and took a step toward Rene. “You leave Kay
alone. If you don’t, I’ll tell everyone that you and I knew each other
really well, Rene. Really well.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’ll tell them I fucked you right here in the locker room, that’s what
I’m saying. You leave Kay alone.”
Rene laughed. “Like anyone would believe you.”
“Oh, yeah?” Jackie lunged forward, grabbing Rene’s shirt. “I was an
animal, Rene. Yo u couldn’t resist.” She ripped opened Rene’s blouse,
revealing the lacy bra beneath.
“ Yo u bitch!” Rene stepped back, away from Jackie. “You pervert, how
dare you?”
“I can spread rumors just like you can, Rene. So unless you want the
town to think you were my first, you leave Kay out of this.”
“ You’re sick. Sick!”
Jackie smiled. “And you’re a fucking bitch. Get out of here.”
“Why are you laughing?”
“I did rip her blouse. And if I remember correctly, she was wearing a very attractive lacy bra.”
Kay covered her mouth. “Are you kidding? You really ripped her blouse?”
Jacqueline nodded. “She came into the locker room that last week. She was talking about me and you. I didn’t want her spreading rumors about you, so I told her I’d tell everyone that she and I went at it in the locker room if she said anything about you.”
Kay smiled sweetly and took Jackie’s hand. “Well, you must have scared her. She didn’t say a word about me until after you were gone.”
“What a bitch she was.”
“Still is. She married Jonathan Wells. He’s vice president at the bank.”
“So she thinks she’s hot shit?”
“They built a house at the country club last year. I see her at Christmas when she comes to the store to buy new ornaments.”
“Well, that’s big of her to patronize your store.”
“Yes, it is.” Kay tilted her head, squeezing Jackie’s fingers with her hand. “Tell me, Jackie.”
Jackie shrugged. “What do you want to know?”
“Tell me what really happened. All I know is, I went to school one morning and you weren’t there. And then the rumors.”
Jacqueline leaned back against the pine, her eyes closing as she remembered the scene in her mother’s kitchen.
“I know you want to move away to go to college, Jacqueline, but you
must think about your future here. Daniel Thornton’s parents have
agreed, once you marry, to give you twenty acres of their property. You
can build out there. I think it’s acceptable if you want to commute to the
junior college until the marriage, but after that, there’s really no need.
Daniel will work in the mill. Your father will make sure he’s promoted,
of course.”
“Excuse me? You have not only my marriage planned, but also my
future husband’s employment? Well, that’s really romantic, Mother.”
“Romantic? Jacqueline, your father is the mayor of this town. The mill
employs more than half of the men in the county. There’s no time for
romance. The Thorntons, as well as owning thousands of acres of
timber, are the wealthiest family in the county, besides our own. It’s
only natural that we merge.”
“Merge?” Jackie tossed her sandwich on the table. “I don’t know what
you’ve been planning, Mother, but I’m not marrying Danny Thornton. I
don’t love him.”
“Love? Jacqueline, it’s high time you realize that love has absolutely
nothing to do with it. It’s all a business.”
Jackie shook her head. “No. I’m not marrying him. I’m not staying in
this town. I’m going off to college. I have my own dreams, my own life.
I’m sorry, but it doesn’t involve Danny Thornton and Pine Springs.”
Her mother smiled, the smile that Jackie had grown to hate over the
years. The victory smile.
“ Yo u don’t really have a choice, Jacqueline dear. You have no money.
Your father will simply refuse to send you to college.” She nodded.
“You’ll marry Daniel Thornton.”
“The hell I will! I don’t even like boys! I’m not going to marry one.”
Jackie fled out the door, childishly grabbing her bike instead of her car
keys
.
She slowly opened her eyes to blue sky. The river flowed past, sloshing quietly against the bank. The gentle breeze rustled the pines, muting the calls of the birds. All except the jays. They flew low over the water, congregating on the other side, disrupting the silence along the river bank.
“Tell me,” Kay said again.
Jacqueline looked at Kay, their eyes locking.
“Tell me what happened.”
Jacqueline shrugged. “My mother was planning my wedding to Danny Thornton. She was telling me how
beneficial
it would be to both families. I told her I wanted to go to college, I wanted to move out of Pine Springs. It didn’t matter. My future had already been decided.”
Jacqueline poured the last of the wine into her cup, looking apologetically at Kay.
“I’m good. Go on.”
“I told her I wasn’t going to marry him. I told her I didn’t like boys.”
Jacqueline sipped from her cup, her eyes watching the river as it flowed past. “I left, got on my bike and rode for miles, it seemed like. When I got home, my father was there. They wanted to know exactly what I meant when I said I didn’t like boys.” Jacqueline shifted, moving against the tree. “I told them I was gay.” Jackie closed her eyes, remembering her mother’s shocked expression and the disappointment in her father’s eyes.
“At first, my mother accused me of making it up just to punish her. My father said there was to be no discussion on the matter. I
was
marrying Daniel Thornton and that was final.” Jacqueline was aware of Kay’s soft hand taking her own. “I told him it wasn’t final. W e talked . . . well, mostly they screamed at me,” Jacqueline said. “I went to school like normal. It was just a couple of weeks before graduation. Then one day, my mother hauled me off to see Brother Garner. He was going to cure me, to exorcise the evil within me.”
“I’m sorry,” Kay whispered.
“I was scared to death,” Jacqueline breathed. “Scared of him, scared of what was going to happen to me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“And I was scared of you too,” Jacqueline admitted. “I was scared you’d leave me, abandon me.”
“Oh, Jackie.” Kay moved closer, wrapping her arms around Jacqueline.
“I would never have abandoned you.”
“One morning, I’m dressed for school, and my mother comes into my room with this little backpack. She tossed it at me and told me to pack some clothes. Told me that since I wasn’t
normal
, they had no use for me. She drove me to the bus stop over in Cherokee. I guess she didn’t want anyone in Pine Springs to see her. She bought me a ticket to Dallas and gave me a hundred dollars. She told me not to come back until I’d come to my senses.”