Becoming A Butterfly (The Butterfly Chronicles) (11 page)

“
You handled that pretty well,” he said after we had been seated, ordered our food, and had our drinks.

“
Well, it doesn’t hurt that you know what you’re doing,” I smirked.

“
We’ll have to go for a ride again sometime. It’s no fun riding by yourself. Maybe we can go downtown one night or something.”

“
And just ride around?” My mom had told me stories about when she was a teenager; everyone would converge on the circle in downtown Indianapolis and just drive around
,
for hours. I can see the intrigue of driving around but wasn’t sure what it would be like riding a bike.

He must have read the skepticism in my voice because his only response was, “Or, whatever.” We sat for a while in silence. I was beginning to think that I didn’t know how to interact with people besides Jade and Tasha. The awkward silences were beginning to get on my nerves, yet I didn’t have much to say. I shredded my napkin and pushed back my cuticles with my nails.

“
What is your mom like?” I asked finally, looking back at him. He looked out the window for a long time before answering me.

“
She’s OK, a bit selfish and self-absorbed. She used to tell me about how I was this miracle baby, but then when my dad had had enough of her, she blamed me for his leaving.” He didn’t look at me; he just stared out the window. I reached across and slid my hand under his, wrapping my fingers around his wrist. He did the same to me and continued, “Then she met Ted the chiropractor. He was all right at first, but then he started bossing me around and telling her that I was undisciplined and needed a firm hand. He put his hands on me once, and I threw him across the room. After that, he told her it was him or me. Having someone take care of her was more important than taking care of me, so I left. I came to my dad’s and have stayed here ever since. My dad still pays her child support for me just because it keeps her away.” He gripped my hand, and I held on to his, taking solace in comforting him. He looked at me. I’m not sure what my face conveyed—hope, encouragement, I wasn’t sure—but his eyes got that distant look they always seemed to get around me, and he looked bored. He let out a deep breath as he laced his fingers through mine. We sat like that silently until our food came. I couldn’t imagine what he’d been through in the past few years. As much as I hadn’t liked him earlier that morning, I felt like now I understood him.

The next morning I overslept and ran to my bathroom only to get a lukewarm shower. That could only mean one thing: Lana was taking a shower at the same time. I quickly bathed and dried myself almost slipping twice as I emerged from the shower. I wondered when I would grow out of my awkward phase. At my counter, I looked for the smoothing cream for my hair; it wasn’t in the usual spot in my basket. I knew instantly where it was, probably in Lana’s bathroom. Frustrated and furious, I stormed to her bathroom door, but it didn’t budge.

“
Lana!” I yelled.

“
Just a minute,” she called. I stood there in my towel, dripping a small puddle on the floor.

“
I need my smoothing cream!” I banged on the door.

“
Just a
minute
,” she returned, but I’d had enough. I grabbed the skinny key from above the door frame, popped the lock, and barged in. She stood there, naked except for a towel she jerked up to cover herself. Her skin was pale, with the exception of her arms and the tops of her thighs. Thin, papercut-straight, little red lines stacked up her skin. My mouth dropped, and tears filled my eyes.

“
What happened to you? Did you do that to yourself?” I asked before I could even think or process what was before me.

“
You don’t understand—” she began, but I interrupted her.

“
You’re right; I don’t understand because it looks like you are cutting yourself, like you’re hurting yourself,” I said, eyes bugging. I’d watched the Dr. Phil episode about cutting and knew it was a serious issue.

“
Let me explain,” she said shakily. I stood there tapping my foot. She looked around anxiously. “Well, can we get dressed first?” she asked, and I nodded.

“
I’ll be back in five minutes.” I turned, ran to my room, changed into sweats and a T-shirt, and returned to Lana’s room. She sat on her bed
,
with her legs pulled up to her, her hair pulled up in a towel.

“
What’s going on?” I asked as I sat at the foot of the bed. She looked up at me pain in her eyes.

“
You know a few weeks ago when I borrowed your grey blouse because I was spending the night at Manda’s house?” I nodded. That was the night Tasha, Jade, and I created Farah. “Well, I lied. Manda and me went to Chris Anderson’s house. He and Deacon Chandler had invited us to come over at school that day. They were having a sleepover too, and Chris’ parents were going away for the weekend. We told her mom and dad that she was spending the night with me
,
and told Mom and Dad that I was spending the night with her.” Dread surged through me. I did not like the way this story was beginning. As if reading my mind, she continued, holding up her hands briefly. “Nothing happened—well not nothing, but I didn’t give it up.” My sister, at age fourteen, had already gone further with a boy than me. It wasn’t that I was jealous, but I wasn’t expecting that, and OK, maybe I was a little bit envious. “Deacon asked me to go out with him earlier that week, so Manda and I thought it was perfect. We drank some of Chris’ parents’ beer, and were just hanging out making out, and then we all fell asleep. I thought everything was perfect. Deacon was so sweet and told me he loved me, and I loved him.” She paused, giving me an
in
.

“
You’re fourteen; how do you know what love is?”

“
You say you’ve been in love with Henry since kindergarten. How do you know what love is? How does anyone know what love is? I guess it’s the closest I’ve come to love, so whatever.” I watched her as she took a jagged breath and looked up at the ceiling. She continued, not looking at me. “Well, he didn’t text me all weekend, and then on Monday by the end of the day, everyone was looking at me funny. I ignored it because usually people look at me, but it was, like, a lot of people. Manda didn’t talk to me all day. I called her when I got home, but she wouldn’t pick up. I didn’t know what to think, but then Tuesday there was a note in my locker, and all it said was SLUT. I still didn’t know what was going on so I cornered Manda. She was totally ignoring me. Finally she said, ‘you couldn’t be satisfied with Deacon; you had to let them run a train on you after I passed out?’ She was really mad at me. I swore I hadn’t. She didn’t believe me though. ‘Well that’s not what they said, and I look like the idiot
,
who didn’t put out.’ I tried to reason with her, but she didn’t listen. So she’s been mad at me since then. We aren’t friends, and everyone has turned their backs on me.

“
Deacon was still avoiding me, the coward, until Friday. Then at lunch—he picked the perfect time, when classes overlapped—he came up to me,” she paused, as tears fell down her cheeks. I scooted closer to her and pulled her over to me. She leaned into my shirt with heaving breaths. “He dumped me, saying I was too skanky for him. And everyone laughed. It’s only gotten worse since then. Everyone is treating me like I have an STD.”

“
Boys are stupid,” I sighed and held her as she sobbed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“
You have all your stuff going on. I’ve wanted to like, a billion times, but we aren’t close. Sometimes I wish we were.” I agreed—especially now. I berated myself for all the times I had almost asked her in the past few weeks if something was bothering her.

“
You know what you’re going to do?” I asked. She shrugged.

“
You’re going to first, come to me whenever you think it’s too much to bear, and let me help you. You’re not alone.” She looked up at my teary eyes. “Then you’re going to hold up your head. Believe it or not, everyone who is being mean to you just wants a reaction. Deacon wanted to be more popular, and Manda just doesn’t understand. She’ll come back around if she’s really your friend. I know it’s hard to digest now, but if she doesn’t, then you were better off without her. Your heart is probably breaking more over her than Deacon, huh?” She nodded against my chest. “We’ll get through this together. I won’t tell Mom and Dad as long as you stop. I trust you, so if things get to be too much, you have to tell me. This is serious stuff.” My voice gradually lowered to a whisper as I tried to console her. I hoped I was doing the right thing.

We skipped school, calling my mom and telling her we were both running temperatures. My mom was very trusting and took us at our word. We spent the day watching trashy daytime television, and I spent the day mothering her. I was worried and didn’t know what to do; I just hoped I chose right by keeping her secret. She needed a friend right now, and I hoped I was able to be that person. By the time the day was over, she had escaped to her bedroom and left me on the couch alone. I napped in the afternoon, and that was how my dad found me, something which only supported our story. He sent me to bed after chicken soup, and, feeling exhausted, I obliged.

Chapter 14

Chase found me first thing, Tuesday at school. It was kind of sweet that he was worried about me. Because of my afternoon nap, I hadn’t responded to any of his texts from the night before about why I wasn’t in school.

“
So you are alive?” He leaned sideways against the locker beside mine as I unloaded my messenger bag.

“
Yes, I needed a personal day.” I smiled at him, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was watching a group of cheerleaders walk by us in the hallway. I rolled my eyes, but he didn’t notice.

“
Can you meet up today? I want to make sure we have everything ready.” I groaned and looked at the ceiling. I would be glad when this job was over. “Today is your deadline,” he added sternly, like he needed to remind me. I looked down at my perfectly painted, pale pink toes which Lana had painted for me yesterday, in my sandal wedge shoes.

“
Your place or mine?” I asked, finally looking back up at him.

“
Yours,” he winked and pushed off from the locker. That was new; he’d never winked at me before. He merged into traffic, and I went the opposite way.

It had been surprisingly dull for a Tuesday. There was, of course, the constant hum of excitement as the end of the year was nearing, but I had picked a good day to skip. Tasha, Jade, and I were on speaking terms, but barely. I wondered how much longer they would treat me like this, and I wasn’t sure I liked any of the answers. We were avoiding the topic and dancing around others. I approached our table at lunch, and they were already engrossed in conversation. I sat my tray down beside Tasha.

“
And she graces us with her presence,” Jade snickered.

“
Yeah, took a personal day yesterday. I texted you,” I said, opening my milk.

“
I know; I was just teasing,” Jade said, though there was a bit of edge to her voice. I thought about telling them about Lana, but decided against it since we weren’t on the best of terms. I decided to be a coward and avoid all things confrontational.

“
Chase wants to take pictures on Saturday.” I scanned the room for him; he had been surprisingly evasive since the morning. I was torn between feeling relieved and missing him.

“
I know; he texted me. We can crash at your house and go from there,” Jade said. I nodded in agreement.

Something changed that day in my free period. Henry. He kept making eye contact with me. It wasn’t the usual “stop looking at me” eye contact either. I’d look at the clock over his head, and as I’d glance at him, he’d be looking at me. He would smile and look away. The next time I checked the time, it was the same thing. Because of that, I checked the time A LOT. I tried not to, but my eyes gravitated toward him. He wore a T-shirt that read “So far, this is the oldest I’ve ever been.” Every time I read it, I couldn’t help but grin. I put any excitement that his glances gave me out of my mind. I wasn’t about to make a fool of myself on purpose. As the bell rang and I stacked my books, he came over to my table.

“
Hey, Lacey.” I looked up and smiled generously.

“
Hi.”

“
I was wondering,” he paused and rubbed the back of his neck nervously, “if you could give me a ride home. Byron and Bea have dentist appointments right after school.” So that was why he had been watching me.
Dang it!

“
Sure, I’ve gotta take Jade and Tasha home, but if you want to meet me by my car. . . do you know which one it is?” We began moving toward the library doors.

“
I don’t care; I just don’t want to ride the bus, and oh yeah, I know which car is yours,” he smirked. “I’ll catch you late.” He waved and was gone.

Later that day, I sat in the bleachers at P.E., watching a set of kids race around the track, Chase in the middle. Bea stood with a group of popular kids, flirting with the boys and laughing with the girls. From a distance, she looked sweet and innocent. I wondered how she could be so cordial with them, but then I thought about it. They had been a clique since junior high. Coach called six more names. I crossed my arms over my knees, waiting for my turn. Chase ran to the sideline and surveyed the bleachers. He looked so different in purple shorts and the grey shirt. He spotted me and climbed the stairs two at a time. I sat up, self-consciously smoothing my matching grey shirt at my waist. He sat down just below me and turned sideways to look up at me, still breathing heavily.