Barbarian's Mate (10 page)

Oh boy. Yeah, I can guess that something like that won’t make sense to him. In their small tribe, every child is welcomed with joy by everyone. “Well…there are a lot of people back where I come from. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds. So many that your mind cannot comprehend it. And sometimes these people are not…responsible, I guess. The people that had me didn’t want me and so they took me to a place called a state home and left me there. With strangers.” At his frown, I add, “The state home is where people take the children they don’t want and leave them for others to take care of.”

His frown deepens. “This happens…often?”

“Not often, but enough that there were a lot of children there. And I was a pretty miserable kid. I had a lot of ear infections and so I was always screaming and crying. No one wanted to mess with me for long. I was older when I got my first set of foster parents and, well, they just wanted the checks.” I realize a moment later that he’s not going to understand what that means, and I explain to him. “That means that other people paid them in goods to look after me. They didn’t want me. Just the goods. They had many children like me in their home so they could get many, many goods.” It wasn’t a great place, but it also wasn’t the worst place. “I was there for four years. After that, I got moved again. And again. And again. No one wanted me. Some people would say the timing wasn’t right, or I was too old and they were looking for someone younger. Or they had their hands full or were about to get a job transferred and so they’d send me back. And at a few places…” I swallow hard. “Um. A few families wanted me for the wrong reasons.”

“What reasons are worse than taking care of a child in exchange for goods?” His lip curls, the expression in his eyes unfathomable.

Bless his heart, he truly has no idea. “Some men like to…” Oh gosh, how to say it delicately? “Take pleasure from small children. And I looked really young for a very long time.”

His mouth parts, and then his fangs bare in a hiss. “Someone let your caretaker touch you? While you were a
kit
?” His words are an explosion of anger. “This is
done
in your world?”

More often than I like to think about
, but I don’t say the words aloud. I just nod, my skin crawling with old, bad memories. Memories that I don’t allow myself to cry over. Been there, done that. “I usually didn’t stay at those homes for very long. Just…long enough for someone to catch on.”

Haeden jerks to his feet, raking a hand through his hair. Did I think his tail was lashing before? It’s whipping furiously now as he paces. “You said ‘homes’. This was done more than once?”

“A few times,” I say faintly. “Sometimes there are bad people in the system. You kind of learn to spot the creepers after a while. Unfortunately, sometimes they’re the only ones that want to take in a teenage girl.”

The flat of his hand slams against the wall. He snarls and rages back and forth, muttering furious words under his breath. I watch him, a little amazed at his violent reaction. He looks as if he’s about to truly lose his shit. He flings himself against a wall and slams a flat hand against it again, tail moving furiously. The entire bay shakes as he smacks the wall once more. He looks like he’s trying to pound it into submission.

And call me crazy, but it makes me feel…good. Someone cares enough about me to get angry on my behalf. I’ve never had that before. I’ve had social workers that just give me pitying looks, or the wives that give me a ‘Jezebel’ stare like I’ve done something to entice their husbands. But I’ve never really had someone totally go apeshit at the thought of me being abused. I shouldn’t like it, but I do. I like that he cares.

I would change nothing.

Strangely warm with pleasure, I get to my feet and move to his side. “Haeden,” I call softly. When I get his attention, I wave a bandaged hand in the air in front of him. “Hey. Don’t hurt yourself, okay?” I almost say
I’m not worth it
but I know, somehow, that would be wrong. To him, I am worth it. And that makes me feel even warmer. So I throw in a joke. “We can’t both hurt our hands, okay?”

He takes a deep breath, nostrils flaring, and then closes his eyes. Nods.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I don’t like to think about it myself. It’s like your story with Zalah. It happened. It was bad. It’s not something you want to re-live over and over again. But do you understand now, why I’m scared? I can’t…I can’t live in a family with hate again. I can’t live with someone that doesn’t want me. I can’t raise a child like that.”

The look Haeden gives me is incredulous. “I do not hate you, Jo-see. How could you think that?”

I laugh. “How could I not? You’re mean to me! You always say shitty things like, ‘Humans are weak’ and ‘Josie should stay home from the hunt because she will drag us all down’.”

His jaw grits. “Humans are weak.” He touches my arm and then wraps his hand around it. “My fingers can go all the way around your small bones. You shiver in the warmest of breezes. One wrong footstep on a hunt and you will be ended. How can I not worry over you?”

Okay, so he’s not entirely wrong over that. “But that doesn’t mean I suck.”

Haeden’s brows draw together. “I did not say you ‘suck’. But I fear for you. And ever since you appeared, with your leg broken in many places, I have felt…” He closes a fist and presses it against his heart. “Something. A connection that has worried me. It has filled me with fear for endless days.”

Resonance? Maybe he felt it long before and I never did because of my stupid IUD? Well, that’s not entirely true, actually. I’ve felt a tug toward him, even when I didn’t want to. I’ve sought him out even when I was pissed at him, if only to rub it in his face. We’ve been drawn together like magnets since day one, sometimes attracting, sometimes repelling. Who can say that wasn’t just thwarted resonance?

Maybe this has been going on for longer than I imagined.

Wait. Fear? “You’re afraid? Of me?”

“Of losing you,” he rasps. “Like Zalah. And you are so much smaller and more fragile than her.”

Oh. I melt like butter at his words. My good feeling ebbs a little when I see the echo of stark terror in his eyes. He really is afraid I’m going to be so wimpy this planet will eat me alive. No wonder he freaks out when I leave the cave. No wonder he lost his ever-loving mind when I went alone to warn the tribal cave of the massive storm. He probably lost his shit when I disappeared on this journey, too.

I know his past, and it makes me realize that I’ve been unfair to him. All this time I’ve been flouncing because I haven’t had a choice in things, and I’ve been tearing him apart.

“I’m sorry,” I say softly. “I didn’t realize. Can we…can we try to get along?”

He nods, and there’s no smile on his face, but that’s all right. It’s going to take time for either one of us to get used to this situation. But I guess it’s time for me to stop running.

T
he next morning
, I wake up with the tip of a curved horn inches from my eyeball and my cootie purring happily. I blearily frown at the horn, trying to figure out where it’s coming from when I realize where I am and who’s curled up next to me.

Or rather, who’s curled up against me.

I vaguely remember falling asleep sitting up near the fire before Haeden picked me up and carried me to bed. I also vaguely remember still shivering despite the furs and him pressing his big body against mine to share his warmth. I don’t remember much after that, though, so I must have slept like a log.

My hands are still sleeved in the wraps, but my arms are tucked around his head. His face is pressed against my chest, where my cootie rumbles almost as loudly as his snoring does. His arms are wrapped tight around me and I have one leg thrown over his hip. We’re completely tangled together and I remain still, wondering if I should wake him up.

I shouldn’t be enjoying the feel of his body pressed against mine, I tell myself. This wasn’t what I chose. But he’s holding me as if I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and I’m warm and cuddled and I feel…loved. And I crave more of it. My fingers twitch and my nipples harden, and I can’t resist stroking his hair just to see what it feels like. It feels different than mine, I decide a moment later, each strand larger and somewhat coarser, but there’s so much thick hair it feels healthy and smooth.

He makes a little grunt in his throat and nuzzles against my chest. My breath catches because his lips are inches away from my aching nipples. Or at least they
would
be if I wasn’t wearing a leather tunic.

The spell is broken, though. He jerks awake and rears back, eyes blinking as he looks up at me and his gaze meets mine.

“Morning.”

Haeden grunts and then rolls away. “I must have grabbed you while I slept.” He doesn’t apologize, though. Instead, he heads to the front of the cave, grabbing his spear, and then peers out into the snowy landscape. When he’s satisfied that we’re safe, he turns back to me. “How do you feel?”

Disappointed
? “I’m cool.”

He frowns. “You are cold?” He moves to my side and immediately starts to pile furs on my shoulders.

“I’m good. I’m good. I’m cool is just an expression.”

“Oh.” He brushes his fingers over my cheek and then jerks his hand away. “I am going to scout the area. Stay inside until I come back.”

I nod. I know it’s for our safety, but as he leaves, I find myself wishing he didn’t have to. That he could crawl back into bed with me, put his head back on my breast and we could just…cuddle for another hour or three. I’ve never been held for long, and that small taste just has me craving more.

While he’s gone, I head to the back of the cargo bay, where the door leads deeper into the ship. Because of my hands, it’s made using the bathroom a bit of a chore and so I’m not wearing pants, letting my thigh-length leather tunic act as a dress. Haeden helped me out of my leggings last night (in the most humiliating, unsexy moment of the night) after I’d refused to let him help me pee. Of course, thinking about it now makes me think about my leg wrapped around him this morning. My
bare
leg wrapped around him.

I finish my potty business in the hall, taking a dark sort of pleasure in doing it on the alien floor. It’s like I’m saying fuck you to the dead aliens who stole me so many months ago. I could really use a bath, but my hands are still wrapped so that’s impossible. I manage to close the door to the hall behind me and then head to the fire - mere coals - and grab the bone between my bandage mittens to nudge the coals into a bit more life again. It’s weird - my hands aren’t numb anymore but they also don’t hurt. I’m a little worried about that.

After what feels like a really long time - but is probably only a few minutes - my cootie starts to purr. I look up from the fire I’m coaxing back into shape and Haeden appears, his big body silhouetted by the sunlight. I feel a funny little stab of attraction at the sight of him, and my smile is wide. “You’re back.”

He grunts and approaches, taking the bone out of my mittened hands carefully and stoking the fire with a few well-placed jabs. “Some tracks, but none too close to this place. They are wary of it.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

He nods, still poking the fire and not looking at me. Is he feeling uncomfortable after our ‘sleeping’ together? Why do I find that kind of cute?

“I don’t feel any pain in my hands,” I tell him, and hold them out toward him. “Is that a bad sign?”

“The liidi works fast. The khui will take care of the rest.” But his fingers brush against my skin as he grips my wrist and then begins to unwrap one hand. “We will look to be sure, though.”

“Okay.”

I hold still as he carefully removes the leather bandages. I can’t help but stare at his chest a bit, since it’s bare. He sacrificed his vest so he could wrap my hands, and the thought makes me feel warm. He didn’t even check to see if I had extra clothing, or suggest a blanket. Nope, he just whipped his shirt off and took care of things. Like I’m far more important than his own inconvenience.

All right now, all these thoughts are getting addictive.

With careful touches, Haeden pulls the leather off of the sticky mess on my hands and then cleans them with a fresh bit of fur from his bags and some warm water. The skin underneath is no longer a bright, angry purple. Instead, it looks much better. It also looks massively blistered. But Haeden is pleased. He grunts at the sight and nods. “One more day with your hands covered in liidi, and they will be good.”

“Really?” I wrinkle my nose at my hands. I’m glad they’re not hurting but they still look kind of bad to me, what with the whole ‘one massive blister’ thing and all.

“Yes.” He pulls the bandages off my other hand and cleans it. “Come sit by the fire. We will give your hands time in the fresh air and then we will apply more liidi. We will remove it tomorrow.”

“Will it be safe for me to travel with my hands all gunked up?”

He shrugs. “It does not matter. We are not leaving until your hands are healed.”

We’re not? “But…the metlaks — the girls—“ I gesture at the wall behind me, feeling strangely obligated to the two strangers sleeping in their pods. “Shouldn’t we work on rescuing them?”

“If what you tell me is true, they have been there for many moons already. Another day or two will not matter.” The look he gives me brooks no argument.

“All righty then.” I wiggle my fingers and they feel weird. The skin feels a little bubbled for all that it doesn’t hurt. Eeek. I’m not sure I like that. “Er, can I use them?” I don’t want them to touch anything, and yet my skin feels filthy and itchy from days of sweaty travel and I would kill to be clean right about now.

“Use them?”

“I wouldn’t mind having some time to myself.”

The idea makes him scowl. “No.”

“What do you mean, no?” Just when I was starting to have a soft spot for the big lug.

“Whatever you need done, I shall do for you.”

“What, are you going to give me a sponge bath?” I taunt.

His eyes flare and I can hear his cootie get louder. “Do…do you want to bathe?” His voice has a hoarse little hitch in it, and his gaze is locked onto mine.

Oh, lordy. I taunted the devil and now he’s taking me up on it. I should say no but…my own cootie’s going a mile a minute and I’m getting all aroused just at the mental image of Haeden washing me.
Be strong
, I tell myself.
This isn’t what you wanted.

But what I wanted was thrown out the door a long time ago, wasn’t it? And part of me wants to go with the flow, to see where it takes us. I know I should be thinking about the two girls nestled away in the pods, sleeping and unaware of their future. I know I should be thinking about the fact that I have to go home, and the tribe might try to prevent me from leaving again. But all I can think about are Haeden’s big hands skimming over my skin.

“Do you want to bathe?” he asks again.

“I don’t know,” I admit. I can feel my cheeks heating. I think of this morning, waking up to his head pressed against my breasts, my bare leg hiked up around his waist. For the first time, I feel a pang of regret that I’ve been fighting this so hard.
Why not just see where this leads
, a horny little voice inside my head asks.
Can’t be any worse than where we’ve been before.

Except that Haeden’s gazing down at me with such simmering intensity. It’s like bathing me clean of dirt is suddenly the only thing he’s ever wanted.

“I’m scared,” I admit after a moment, and then I feel stupid. I’m not scared of a sponge bath — I’m scared of where it might lead.

I wait for him to taunt me over my words. To mock me for blurting something so random. But he only touches my cheek. “We are both frightened of what this could mean,” he says, voice husky even as his warm, callused fingers trace my jaw. “But that does not mean we should not explore it.”

I want to lean into his touch, and the idea’s shocking to me. It’s almost as shocking as the realization that I’m going to say yes.

Jo-see looks up at me with big, wary eyes. “If…if I say stop, we’ll stop, right?”

I nod, because I do not trust my own voice. To think, she is going to let me bathe her — it feels like the greatest gift I have ever been given. “Always.”

She nods. “I would like to be clean,” she says in a faint voice, but the bright color on her cheeks tells me it is not the only thing she likes. I can smell her arousal, and her khui is humming in time with mine.

I feel a surge of triumph. She is yielding to me. Bit by bit, Jo-see is seeing that I can be a good mate to her. I want to shout my pleasure at the thought, but I force myself to only give a brief nod. Everything will be as she asks. I will push for no more than she will give me.

“Do you have extra soapberries?” she prompts, pulling me from my racing thoughts.

I nod and touch her cheek one more time, then move to the fire. I stoke it high. I want the water to be warm and pleasant for my mate. I quickly fill my stew pouch with fresh snow and add a few soapberries to it. “It will take some time for the water to heat.” Perhaps during that time my lust will cool long enough that my cock will not ache as I touch her. The idea is…not likely, though.

“Okay,” she says in a soft voice, and then moves to the opposite side of the fire.

We’re silent as we wait on the water. She hums a small song under her breath, as she so often does, but I am quiet. My thoughts are focused entirely on the concept of bathing her. I have bathed others in my tribe, washed the backs of many, scrubbed a friend that was injured. It should mean nothing. Instead, I cannot stop thinking about it. It is just a bath, but this is Jo-see.

My Jo-see.

And I worry I will come in my breechcloth again.

A breeze rips through the shelter, bringing with it fresh snow and cold air. The fire flickers and Jo-see lifts her hands as if to rub her arms, and then stops. Her gaze meets mine and she flushes again, her cheeks wonderfully pink. And for some reason, I feel like smiling.

I get to my feet, ignoring my erection. I cannot hide it, just like I cannot hide the song my khui hums. I dip my fingers in the water. It is warm enough. “Come,” I tell her. “Let us take your clothing off.”

And my groin tightens in anticipation.

She makes a little squeak of nervous sound but gets to her feet. Her eyes are wide as she moves slowly toward me.

I get to my feet and when she comes to stand before me, it takes everything I have not to crush her against my chest. I want to hold her, to feel her warm skin against mine. I want to protect her from the world. But for now? I will settle for touching her.

I can feel the tension between us, crackling like lightning. I reach for the laces at the neck of her tunic, and she shivers. “Cold?” I ask.

“Just…nervous.” She gives me a faint little smile. “Silly, right?”

Not so silly. “I am nervous, too.”

My confession startles her and her gaze flicks back up to me. “You are?”

I nod slowly. “I worry if I do something wrong, you will run…again.” I pull at the laces, untying the loose knot at her neck. I am admitting too much, but if she is being honest and open with me, how can I not do the same for her?

Now she is all curiosity. “You mean when I left at the ship? When you were being a jerk?”

I indicate that she should lift her arms so I can pull the tunic over her head. She does so, obedient, and while her face is hidden, I admit my shame. “I was cruel to you because I was ashamed that I could not control myself.”

Then the tunic is in my hands. I am careful not to look at her naked body as she steps out of her boots, though I want nothing more than to gawk at her. As my gaze meets hers, she gives me a confused expression. “Control yourself?”

I groan inwardly. Do humans not have a word for it? “My desire was so great I…lost control.” I emphasize the last two words, not sure how much clearer I can make it. My jaw grits as shame washes over me. “I…should have done better.”

Comprehension dawns on her face and her eyes go wide. “Oh.
Oh.
You…okay. I get it now. That’s why you were a jerk?” A little smile curves her mouth. “I thought you were just being mean to me because I wasn’t enthusiastic enough.”

“Never. You are perfect, always.” I move to the pouch of warm water and dig in my nearby bag for a cleansing cloth - soft, hairless leather that has been worked soft enough that it smooths over the skin easily and soaks up water. I dip it in and then turn to her, rubbing her small shoulders with the wet cloth. She shivers and I instinctively move between her and the entrance to this strange cave, to block the breeze.

“Haeden?”

I look down at her, meeting her eyes.

“I don’t want you to be embarrassed, okay? It’s a normal thing and we’ve both been pushing our cooties hard with this whole resonance thing. I don’t want you to feel weird about it.” She reaches out as if to touch my arm, hesitates before putting her palm down, then turns her hand and rubs the back of it along my skin. “It happens.”