Bad Romeo Christmas: A Starcrossed Anthology (12 page)

Liam tries not to smile. "Buzz and Woody? Really?"

"Yes. They're the main characters in
Sex Toy Story
- a touching tale that's been ribbed for her pleasure."

He chuckles. "I bet. So you've never even tried one?"

"No, but I don't consider I've missed out on anything. I mean, my hand may be low-tech, but it's pretty damn talented."

"Oh, I believe me, I know."

"Right? And now that I have the People’s
Sexiest Man Alive
as my live-in fuck-buddy, I have no need for anything else, do I?"

There's a beeping noise, and he feels around the bed before picking up his phone and checking the screen.

"Shit. My driver will be here in fifteen minutes. I'd better shower and try to deflate my dick before he gets here, or he might get the wrong impression about how pleased I am to see him." He glances up at me. "Speak to you tomorrow?"

"Absolutely."

He sighs. "Four days, sweetheart. Just remember that."

"I will."

We exchange I love yous and sign off, and when he disappears from the screen, I button up my shirt and flop back down onto the bed.

Four days. I can last until then. No problem.

My body screams that I'm a filthy liar, but I figure if I just ignore it, the dull ache inside might go away.

I'm considering having a cold shower when there's a knock at the bedroom door.

"Hey. You finished your disgusting sex call with Quinn yet?"

I pull the sheet over my legs and smile. "Yes. Come in."

Josh enters, and with a tired grunt, he throws himself onto the bed beside me. "Please tell me you have pain killers."

I grab some Advil and a bottle of water off my night stand and hand it to him. "Go for your life."

"Thanks. Considering this hangover is all your fault, providing relief is the least you can do."

"Hey, I told you to stop drinking after your seventh beer. It's not my fault you didn't listen."

Josh pops two pills into his hand and uncaps the water. "I have no memory of that. I do, however, remember Miley Cyrus touching me in strange and inappropriate ways while you laughed your ass off."

"Can you blame me? The look on your face was priceless. You kept yelling that Angel Bell was your girlfriend so you were off the market, but that just seemed to make Miley want you more."

He nods as he throws the pills in his mouth and chases them with a gulp of water. "Sometimes, being this attractive is a curse."

"I wouldn't know."

He laughs. "Of course you wouldn't. You're hideous. I have no idea what Quinn sees in you. How is he, anyway? Still all tall and good-looking?"

"Yeah, but he seems exhausted. I think he's looking forward to our vacation even more than I am."

"I bet. I still can't believe you're letting him organize everything. I remember when I tried to plan a surprise party for your sweet sixteenth. The second you found out, you took over."

"Well, sure, but that's only because you were doing everything wrong."

"In other words, different from how you would do it."

"I stand by my definition of
wrong
."

"Uh huh."

I shove him in the arm. "If you stop giving me shit for five seconds, I may be inclined to make mac and cheese for breakfast. You in?"

His whole face lights up. "God, yes. I haven't eaten carbs in weeks. Angel thinks they're the work of the devil. Get that pasta in my face hole, STAT."

···

Half an hour later, we're sitting at the kitchen bench stuffing our faces with creamy, cheesy goodness when the intercom sounds.

I press the video button to the front gate and see a man leaning out the window of a delivery van.

"Hello?"

"Delivery for Elissa Holt."

"Oh. Sure, come on up." I press the button to open the gate then grab some cash from my purse and hand it to Josh. "Could you tip him? If I go I'll have to put on pants, and I don't need that kind of negativity in my life right now."

"Sure," he says and takes the cash. "Since you made me breakfast, the least I can do is facilitate your pantslessness." He looks around. "Now, if you could just provide me with a map of how to get to the front door, I'll be on my way."

I smile and point down the hallway. "Go that way for a few miles, then turn left. If you reach the bowling alley, you've gone too far."

Josh laughs. "Funny." When he reads my face, his smile drops. "You're not joking, are you? Quinn has a goddamn bowling alley in this place?"

"Yep. And a movie theater. And an entire room dedicated to gift wrapping."

"The fuck? Big on presents, is he?"

"This house used to belong to some TV producer whose spouse was the ultimate Hollywood housewife. There was also a huge room that housed her extensive range of designer handbags, but Liam converted that one into a gym."

"Really? So, now his handbags are homeless? Tragic. At least he can wrap presents to his heart's content."

"Don't laugh. The previous owners only left because they decided this house wasn't big enough for them. They ended up moving to an even more ridiculous McMansion that featured
three
gift wrapping rooms."

"Well, now you're just making shit up to mess with me."

"Not at all. True story."

Josh makes a disgusted noise. "Just when I think rich people can't get any weirder ..." He goes toward the hall. "I'll be right back. Maybe. If you don't hear from me in a few hours, send out a search party."

As it turns out, he's only gone for five minutes, and when he returns, he's carrying an enormous gift basket wrapped in polka dot tissue paper and topped with a giant red bow.

"Just a hunch," Josh says, "but I'm guessing it's a mix tape." He places it on the bench and hands me a small envelope. "It came with this."

I pull out the card.

Darling Liss,

Now you can see what all the fuss is about. I'll expect a full report when I see you.

Enjoy.

Love, Liam.

Ps. Bring this stuff on our trip. I want to see what you've learned by then.

"From Quinn, I take it?" Josh asks, trying to read over my shoulder.

"Uh ... yeah."

"So, come on," he says as he starts tearing away the tissue paper. "Let see what's he's sent. Maybe it's a puppy!"

"Josh, wait—"

Before I can even finish the sentence, the paper falls away to reveal an impressive range of sex toys, including half a dozen vibrators of various shapes and sizes, something that looks like a butterfly headband, and a bunch of porn in both magazine and Blu-ray form.

Josh's eyes widen as he notices a particularly large and realistic-looking dildo. "What the ever loving fuck?!" He covers his face and backs away. "My eyes! My poor, innocent eyes!"

I laugh and pick up one of the Blu-rays. "Well, that's what you get when you unwrap someone else's gift, Mr. Nosy."

Josh peeks through his fingers. "What the hell is wrong with your man, Elissa? Most guys send flowers or chocolates. Maybe jewelry if they're hankering for a blow job. But Quinn sends you half a sex shop? Has he no respect for my delicate sensibilities?"

"I don't think he expected you to see it."

"Clearly. Freak."

"So I take it you've never sent Angel a giant latex dong? Sheesh. Some boyfriend you are."

Josh crosses his arms over his chest and glares. "Do you think I'm stupid? Why the hell would I give her something that
big
, that can do things no natural penis can?"

"Like what?"

He grabs one of the vibrators. "Check this out." He presses a button, and the tip of the thing starts rotating one way, while the body rotates the other. The whole shaft buzzes with powerful vibrations. "See? No man can compete with that. This can reach erogenous zones scientists haven't even discovered yet."

"Should I ask how you know this?"

He turns off the vibrator and throws it onto the counter. "One of the girls I used to date always insisted I finish her off with one of these pieces of crap, no matter how much amazingness she'd experienced with Magic Mike. Seems a regular penis didn't cut it for her. It was humiliating. Quinn has no idea he's just opened himself up to being second best for your vagina, forever."

I laugh, because seriously, I don't think Liam will ever have any competition where my vagina is concerned, but as close as Josh and I are, I don't think saying that would help right now.

Josh rubs the back of his neck and looks around. "So, now that we've experienced yet another session of oversharing in our long and glorious friendship, can we do something fun? Wanna go bowling?"

I think about it for a second. "That depends. Do I have to put on pants?"

"Nope, but be warned, you may want that extra protection when I
kick your
ass
."

"Dream on, Kane. Dream on."

Without warning, he lunges forward and slaps my ass, hard. Then he runs down the hallway toward the bowling alley, chuckling like an idiot all the way.

I grab the largest dildo from the gift basket and race after him.

Oh, it is ON.

Better Not Pout

November 30th, Present Day

The Home of Charles and Maggie Holt

New York City, New York

"Ethan, come on."

"No."

"Seriously? Your baby sister tells you she needs your help, and you refuse? What kind of a monster are you?"

"The kind who isn't discussing this any further. Go ask Cassie."

"I did! She told me to talk to you, since you're the expert. She's just the mannequin."

My brother ignores me and continues unpacking boxes of Christmas ornaments in preparation for our family's annual tree decorating party. Well, it's not so much a party as all of us struggling to shove as many decorations as possible onto the giant tree Dad has squeezed into the living room. Then when we all go home, Mom will take everything off and redecorate it with mathematical precision. God forbid the distribution of the tinsel should be even vaguely uneven.

This is why I love her.

Since Josh and I got back to New York a few days ago, I've been doing final preparations for my Christmas getaway with Liam, but there are some things I can't do without help. It's too bad my buttmunch of a brother is refusing to play ball.

"Ethan,
please.
"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you're my
sister
. It would be weird and wrong."

"Oh, for the love of God, you two, stop bickering." My mom gives us both the stink eye as she brings in another box from the hallway closet. "It's like having teenagers in the house again. What on earth are you arguing about, anyway?"

Ethan shoots me a look. "Nothing, Mom. Don't worry about it."

"Yeah, it's all good, Mom. Ethan's just being a dick."

Mom narrows her eyes at us then shrugs. "Fine. I didn't want to get involved anyway. By the way, Ethan, your father wants to know if you can get us tickets to a show this weekend?"

"Sure. I can get anything you want."

"How about Hamilton?"

Ethan grimaces. "Except that. Can't get tickets without selling a body part or family member. Wait, let's try selling Elissa and see what happens. They can only say no, right?"

I laugh and throw a clump of tinsel at him. "You're an asshole."

"Elissa—" Mom clucks her tongue in response to my unladylike language. She's lucky I resisted the urge to call him a fucking asshole.

"Hey, Mrs. H," Josh says from where he's watching TV on the couch. "Awesome homemade croissants. Got any more?"

Mum puts down her box. "Sure, honey, I'll get you some. Anything to get away from the bickering."

Josh's face lights up. "You're the best, Maggie. Have I told you today how pretty you look tonight?"

Mom rolls her eyes and heads into the kitchen. She secretly loves spoiling Josh, and he exploits it every chance he gets.

"You could help out, you know," I say as my evil bestie turns back to the television.

"I'd love to," Josh says, "but I'm carb-loading right now. Angel will be back from Australia in January, and I want to ingest enough processed crap before then to give diabetes to a whole platoon of vegans. I have no time for frivolous Christmas chores."

"So Angel won't be back for Marco's New Year's Eve party?" I ask.

He takes a swig of his beer and flips through the channels. "Nope. I can't believe I'm finally in a relationship on New Year's Eve and don't get to kiss the hell out of her at midnight. What the hell is wrong with this world?"

"I'll kiss you, sweetheart," Ethan deadpans. "You just have to promise to not use tongue."

Josh smiles at him. "Aw, come on, big fella. Don't be shy. You know you want the tongue."

Ethan mimes vomiting onto the nativity scene before turning to unpack another box. I'm about to hassle him again about my favor when Cassie appears in the front hall. As usual, whenever his new wife is within a three-mile radius, everything else ceases to exist for my brother. I can't believe it was only a year ago they were upstairs banging like teenagers while we cleaned up Christmas Eve dinner.

It seems being married hasn't dulled my brother's endless fascination with Cassie. He watches her cross the room with the same level of pride as parents watching their child compete in the Olympics. If it wasn't so stinking cute, it would make me want to throw up all over our collector's edition Rudolph figurine.

"So," Cassie says to me as she gives Ethan a smile. "Did my man help you out? Are you all set?"

"Not even a little bit. He said it would be weird."

Cassie turns to my brother. "Ethan, your sister needs you. It's your duty to help."

"Honey, don't ask this of me. I beg you. I'll be scarred for life."

"Oh, please. Liam wants her to buy sexy lingerie, and no one knows more about that than you."

Ethan puts his arms around her. "Believe me, she could wear a canvas sack and Quinn would still lose his shit. Anything she chooses will be fine."