Avoiding Amy Jackson (33 page)

Ellen screams loudly as she bears down a final time and Lucy slips out without any difficulty. Her little lips part and loud cries escape her sweet baby lungs. Trent smiles down at his beautiful, dark-haired child as he places her on Ellen’s chest. Seeing him get emotional has me getting emotional. I look across at Lizzy to find her mirroring my current state.

Happy tears are running down my cheeks and I have to hold myself back from sobbing. I’m just so proud of my Ellen and so joyful for her right now. She somehow managed to find the balls to deliver her baby sans epidural. This woman deserves a medal and maybe even a key to the city. No woman should have to have a natural delivery without willingly wanting it to happen. That is some seriously terrifying shit.

I watch as Ellen looks down at Lucy and my heart feels like it’s going to burst. Her eyes are filled with emotion and undeniable love. She is completely in love with her beautiful daughter. Lucy stops crying and her eyes open as Ellen coos into her ear. She softly brushes her lips across her daughter’s forehead and tenderly holds her to her chest.

This has got to be the sweetest thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life.

“I’m so proud of you, Ellen. Congratulations, Momma,” I whisper into her ear.

She tilts her head towards mine. Her cheek rests gently on Lucy’s forehead. “Thank you,” she mouths to me as tears continue to spill down her cheeks.

“Oh my god, stop it! I’m going to be ugly girl crying any minute if you keep this up!” I announce with a throat thick from emotion.

Lizzy wraps her arm around Ellen’s shoulder and I do the same. We’re all huddled around Lucy, who calmly rests on Ellen’s chest. All of us are nearly sobbing in relief, in joy, in ecstatic happiness that our beautiful, perfect little Lucy is finally here.

“I’m so proud of you, baby. I love you so much.” Trent’s profession of adoration for Ellen has us all bawling our eyes out like babies.

God, I want this someday.

I can practically hear my internal clock click on as I watch Trent and Ellen and their beautiful daughter together. My heart is so full for them. I can feel myself starting to yearn for having a family of my own. I’m shocked by the overwhelming feelings and emotions that are coursing through me. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I just watched someone, who is like a sister to me, bring her daughter into the world… Yes, she might have been out of control and completely crazy during the majority of it, but when she finally had her baby girl in her arms, she looked like the perfect mother.

I, Amy Jackson, who has spent a lifetime of saying that I would never want children, am actually finding myself changing my entire outlook on life. I’ve changed from the woman who was happy with partying and one-night stands and never having an actual relationship to a woman who thinks she might want more out of life.

I think I want to allow myself to have a family someday.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

“The dam finally bursts.” - Amy

“Tony, are you ever going to marry that girl?” I glance slightly to the left of my computer screen to find him not so quietly huffing and puffing in irritation about charting his assessments. Tony is one of my favorite people to work with. He proposed to his fiancée Rachel a long-ass time ago. Ellen and I planned a night of drinking, strip clubs, and pure debauchery. We celebrated Rachel and Tony’s upcoming nuptials in style, but that was almost a year and a half ago. I have a feeling we might to need to have another bachelor/bachelorette party for them if they keep delaying this thing.

“We pushed the date back so Rachel’s family could be in town from Pittsburgh. Three months and I’ll finally get that girl to say, ‘I do.’” Tony sighs deeply but flashes a small grin my way.

“That’s awesome! I think we need to have another party for the two of you.” I pat him on the shoulder in excitement. “I’m glad you’re finally going to get that awesome chick to walk down the aisle.”

“Is it going to be like the last time?” he asks before setting his focus back on the work computer.

I nod my head as a smirk quirks my lips. “If you mean bars, strip clubs, and lots of alcohol, then yes. It will be exactly like last time.”

“Hell yeah, count me in! Rachel and I had a kickass time that night,” he adds excitedly.

I chuckle at Tony’s enthusiasm as I sit down next to him. I busy myself with rummaging through a few patient charts. I ran my ass off tonight. Several patient admissions and even more discharges have kept me occupied over the past eleven hours. The only thing that has made getting through this night tolerable is that Ellen is finally coming back from her maternity leave today. I’ll get to see her smiling face when she comes in for her morning shift. I glance at the clock at see that it’s almost six. One more hour and I’ll get to crawl my exhausted ass into bed.

“Good morning, doll,” a deep, masculine voice says from above me. I’d know that voice from anywhere. It’s one of my favorite voices.

I peek up at James through my lashes. He’s dressed in navy blue scrubs that hug his muscular body in a very perfect way. James’s dirty-blond hair is handsomely disheveled and still damp from his morning shower. His eyes are a brilliant shade of green and undeniably intoxicating.

My best friend is annoyingly good-looking.

“Kind of early for you to be here, isn’t it?” I set the charts to the side and sit back in my chair, crossing my legs.

James rests his ass on the edge of the desk, crossing his arms in front of him. His biceps flex and his perfect muscles ripple in the most delightful way. I know, I know. Stop thinking about James and his perfect muscles, his beautiful eyes, and his…

Okay, I’m not finishing that thought.

I take a deep breath and blow out the air through my lips, pushing the breath up past my forehead, consequently blowing strands of hair away from my face. My hair is an absolute wreck and my makeup is now nonexistent. After working all night, I can only imagine how tired and worn down I look.

“I’ve got some patients to do post-op rounds on before my office hours. Plus I thought I’d come in and see you for a few minutes before I got started. Rough night?” James asks as he leans down towards me and gently pushes the errant strands of hair out of my face.

“You have no idea. By the way, did you happen to see Lizzy at the gym yesterday? She’s been acting really strange lately. I was hoping to talk to her before I left for work last night, but she didn’t answer my phone calls and wasn’t home before I had to leave.”

“No, she wasn’t at the gym. At least I never saw her there. What do you think is going on?”

“I’m not sure, but I have a feeling it has something to do with her ex. Her divorce still isn’t final and she’s been super emotional lately.”

“That’s weird. I bet she’s just worn down. Stress tends to have that effect,” James offers encouragingly.

I nod in agreement. “Speaking of worn down, I can’t wait to throw my ass into bed.”

“You want some help with that? I’m pretty much I’m an expert in the throwing-women-on-beds category.” He slides a sly smile my way.

I chuckle at his crass comment. He’s always trying to get my mind in the gutter. It’s a shame James doesn’t realize that, when it comes to him, my mind tends to go straight to the gutter without even trying. I can’t help it. He’s too sexy for my own good. If I choose to go home and diddle myself to thoughts of my smoking-hot best friend naked and thrusting inside of me, well that’s my cross to bear.

I bet James is a spanker…and a light choker…and a phenomenal dirty talker… Mmm.

James clears his throat loudly and stares at me with pure inquisitiveness etched all over his face. “Where did you go, Am? Your face is a little flushed…”

My god damn nipples are hard too!

Shit. Think. Say something. Change the subject.

“I’m just thinking about the other night when this guy…”

James puts his hand up and abruptly cuts me off. “Nope. Don’t finish that. I have no desire to hear that fucking story.” His jaw slightly clenches and the muscles in his neck flex.

“I’m kidding! Chill the fuck out. Considering you’ve been hanging around my apartment every night for the past week, I’d say it would’ve been pretty difficult for me to manage a hook-up with some random guy.” I smile up at him, trying to ease his current state of irritation. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that James is letting jealousy rear its ugly head. I immediately feel a little bad for being such a sarcastic bitch.

James runs his hand through his messy hair and looks up at me through his lashes. “Do you always get this much enjoyment out of screwing with me?”

I laugh a little at his peeved expression. “I wasn’t trying to screw with you.” James pins me with a glare. “Okay, maybe I was a little bit, but I’m not sure why a comment like that would get you so pissed off.” I tilt my head to the side, quietly gauging his reaction.

He lets out a very loud sigh and looks down at his shoes before looking back up at me with an intense feel to his eyes. “I just don’t ever want to hear about you with other guys, okay? No douchebag you pick up at a bar deserves to be with a girl like you. You deserve so much better than that. You’re…” His voice trails off and he doesn’t finish his train of thought.

My eyebrows rise. “I’m…
what
?”

“Just forget I said anything.”

“No, you need to finish that statement.” I stand up out of my chair, face to face with James.

He huffs out a deep breath and gazes into my eyes. “You’re so damn frustrating sometimes, you know that?”

“I am frustrating. I’m well aware of this, but I have a feeling that wasn’t what you were going to say.” My eyes lock with his. I’m not sure why I’m doing this or why I’m trying to get him to say things I know are only going to make it harder for me to just be friends with him, but I’m doing it. Apparently I’m a masochist.

James turns his head to the side, like he’s searching for the right words. Then he brings his gaze back to mine, practically scorching me. “You’re…perfect.”

Perfect?

Well, shit. I’m not even sure how to respond to that. No guy has ever considered me perfect. I’ve been considered a greedy cunt, a raving bitch, an inappropriate and obnoxious asshole, but perfect? Yeah, that’s never been a description of me. I’m staring into his eyes, desperately probing for what is running through his head. I know James would still love to get inside of my panties. It’s obvious that we have an insane amount of attraction for each other, but that’s all I thought it was…sexual attraction. Not him showing any type of affection for me. He’s looking at me like he really cares about me, like he’s got deeper feelings.

I’d say it’s apparent that I’ve got more-than-friends type of feelings for him. Does he have those feelings too? I blink my eyes several times and try to squelch the feelings of panic in my gut. The idea of a guy like James actually caring about me and wanting more from me… Well, those are still scary thoughts for me. Despite my fear, I want him to think about me like that…

No. You. Don’t.

Yes. I. Do.

I like control. I need control. I’m selfish and I don’t deserve to have someone like James care about me. I don’t deserve that…
at all
. He’s standing in the middle of the nurses’ station, looking down at me with intensity, this nearly tangible passionate tension radiating off of him. His eyes are all-consuming, pulling me in, desperately begging me to say something.

What the fuck can I say to that?

“Amy, we’ve got a squad coming in. Get bed eight set up. Eight-year-old boy found nonresponsive in his family’s pool.” Tony’s voice tugs my focus away from James. The words he just said make my heart drop inside of my stomach. I’m frozen in panic, in fear, in absolute terror. My chest feels heavy and my pulse is pounding erratically. My heart beats so fast that my breath starts to come in quick, shallow spurts. I clench my fists and feel the clamminess of my palms.

“Amy?” James steps towards me, his hand grasping my arm. “Amy? Are you okay?” I close my eyes tight and inhale a deep, shuddering breath. I slowly open my eyes and see that his face is filled with apprehension.

“Y-yeah. Yes, of course I’m all right. I have to go.” I hurriedly pull away from his grip and rush into bed eight, throwing supplies around, getting ready for what’s about to be brought into this room.

“Get it together. You can do this,” I whisper to myself as I pull the crash cart close to the bedside, pulling out pediatric-sized masks and supplies for a possible intubation. Tony walks into the room and proceeds to get medication drawn up so we have it ready. Ready for what we’re going to be faced with.

Benny.

Benny was ten years old when he drowned. The day I let him down, let everyone down.

“Amy!” Tony is watching me from across the room. His face is etched with worry and confusion. “Are you okay? Did you hear anything I just said to you?”

I nod my head and drag my hand over my face, taking another deep, trembling breath.

I’ve got to get my shit together. Now is not the time for a breakdown. Now is the time to do my fucking job. I can’t be weak. Never weak. There is no room for error caused by my inability to leave my personal life out of this.

I hear the emergency room doors slide open, and I know that in a matter of seconds this little boy is going to be on my bed. This little boy needs help. He doesn’t need a nurse who is distracted and can’t get her god damn head out of her ass. This little boy needs someone who is focused and ready to do everything in her power to save his precious life.

Paramedics wheel their stretcher into the room. Two are pushing the bed while the other two are currently doing chest compressions and ventilating his airway. “Eight-year-old boy, found nonresponsive in the family pool around six a.m. Parents do not know when he woke up this morning, so estimated time of drowning is unknown. No known past medical history. We’ve been doing CPR for about three minutes. We had a faint pulse of fifty when we arrived on the scene, but lost the heart rate en route. No rhythm to shock and he has received his first round of epinephrine.”