Avoiding Amy Jackson (30 page)

What’s a sac tap? Well, it’s only the easiest single-handed way to bring a guy to his knees with only a small amount of effort. I’m well versed and talented when it comes to sac taps. I know just the right force, velocity, and location to slap my hand on a guy’s balls to make him feel like he’s going to hurl up his stomach.

James hung out around my apartment a few nights last week, watching movies and ordering takeout. There was no
funny business.
No kissing or intimate encounters occurred between the two of us, and I can’t deny the disappointment that’s sitting in my gut like a bowling bowl. I’m sure my sickly state wasn’t the least bit attractive, and this was probably a good thing. I know I’ve admitted that I have feelings of wanting more from James, but I’m too fucking scared to let things go any further.

I’m afraid to hurt him, destroy him, and ruin our friendship.

I know I’ve also said this time and time again, but what if things didn’t work out between us? I would be devastated to not have his friendship and I’ve never seen anyone successfully go back to being just friends after being in a relationship with each other. That shit just doesn’t happen, and anyone who tells you it does is a fucking liar. The whole ‘we’re just friends now and everything is fantastic’ bullshit is a god damn urban myth. It’s impossible to go back to being friends with someone after having sex and being in a relationship. Odds are that one of the two people still has feelings for the other, and there is nothing more painful than having to watch the person you’re in love with move on.

Isn’t just settling for friendship with someone you’re in love with just as painful?

My snarky subconscious is really on a roll today. I have to stop thinking about anything that revolves around James and my stupid fucking feelings of wanting more…

So last week, I quite literally chain-smoked myself into pneumonia and I’m just now starting to feel better. Today is my first day back to work after taking three days off to get over my nicotine pneumonia. I’m halfway through my shift and finally able to sit down in the breakroom and put my feet up.

Browsing through porn has to be one of my favorite things to do on my lunch break. I don’t care that it’s not deemed professional or remotely acceptable to engage in while I’m at work. This is me we’re talking about here. I have a serious love for porn and all things porn-like. Consider me a porn connoisseur. I appreciate all things horny and perverted.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling generous, I’ll send a few links to James. We spent one night a few weeks ago browsing through anime pornography, particularly of the Hentai persuasion. This type of extremely explicit and perverse anime is quite shocking for most people, especially James. He actually has a strong aversion to Hentai and I get a sick amount of satisfaction from sending him videos from that genre. I’ve also found out that James loves corny role-play. You know, the whole teacher-student, nurse-doctor, housewife-pool boy, kind of role-play. Yes, he’s a walking, talking porn cliché.

I’m nose deep in my bookmarked sites and find a little gem of a porn link. This link is of the Hentai variety. This anime video consists of a woman with extremely huge boobs getting her freak on with a guy who has several “tentacle cocks.” There’s a whole lot of thrusting, deep-throating, and giant “tentacle dicks” roaming all over the screen. It’s disturbing and perverse and well…pretty fucking hilarious.

Go ahead and get a visual because this video is
ah-mazing
.

I proceed to email James the link from my iPhone, putting in the subject line, ‘Who needs nurse-doctor role-play when you could have this.’ I push send and a huge grin is plastered on my face. God, I can’t wait for him to check this link out. He will be so pissed and I will enjoy every single second. I’m practically squealing with excitement. I take the remaining bites of last night’s pasta and head out of the breakroom and towards the ER. I only have a couple hours left in my shift and I’m praying the time flies by.

“Amy!” I hear James shout from behind me when I’m about three feet away from walking through the ER doors. I turn around and see that he’s sprinting towards me, breathing hard, and sweat is practically dripping down his face.

“Are you okay?” I question with concern.

He grabs my wrist and pulls me behind him, walking so fast that I nearly fall flat on my face.

“Would you slow down?!” I screech.

James says nothing as he continues to drag me into one of the physician call rooms and promptly locks the door.

“What the fuck is going on?”

Now I’m really concerned. Or maybe I’m slightly turned on. Is he going to try to reenact Grey’s Anatomy right here in the call room? I would definitely be down with some nurse-doctor role-play action if he’s going to channel his inner Dr. McDreamy.

Wait. No I wouldn’t.

“
Amy.”
James holds up his hand as he kneels down, trying to catch his breath.

For a marine, this guy is really out of shape these days. I need to get him in the gym or something. He’s a disgrace to his fellow soldiers.

“Fuck.” He’s still breathing heavily, nearly panting. “I ran all the way from my office when I got your email.”

All the way from his office?

That’s on the other side of the hospital campus. And why in the hell would Hentai porn make him run like that? “The Hentai porn I sent you made you run across the hospital campus? I’m confused.” My face is scrunched up in wonder.

“Yes. The Hentai porn you in fact sent to me on my
work email address
.”

Shit! I can’t believe I sent that to his work email address. This is why I should never send emails from my iPhone. I always end up screwing something up or sending things to the wrong people. “Oh, sorry about that. I definitely meant to send that to your personal email.”

“Yeah, did you also mean to send it to the entire staff of the hospital?”

“Uh, no. Why in the hell would I send Hentai porn to the entire hospital?” I bark out a laugh from his absurdity. Send anime porn to my coworkers? James must have lost his mind!

“Well, sweetheart…why don’t you take a look at that email you sent me again?” James is giving me an uncomfortable expression, and I’m completely confused with what point he is trying to make here.

I get out my phone and pull up my email icon. The first thing I notice is that I’m currently logged into my hospital email account. Stupid phone. This damn thing is always logging me in and out of random crap. “Hold on, my phone is logged into my work email for some reason.”

“That’s the account you need to check.”

I immediately peer up at him and that’s when panic sets in. I furiously scroll through my sent emails, and right at the top I see it. The email. The Hentai porn link email that I meant to send to James from my personal account.
Shit.

“Wow, I did not mean to send that to you from my work email account,” I mutter quietly.

“You should probably check to see who else you sent that email to.” He cringes as he gestures towards my phone, encouraging me to look at the email more closely.

And then I really see it.

I sent the email to the entire staff at Regency Memorial Hospital.

Holy fucking goat tits!

“Son of a bitch! I sent this email to everyone! I sent this email to every single person that is on staff at Regency, including our CEO!” I throw my phone across the call room, launching it right into the wall. My iPhone is now scattered in pieces all over the tile floor and my jaw is agape in shock.

“It’s fine, sweetheart,” James reassures gently as he places his hands on my shoulders.

“Fine?
FINE!
This isn’t fine! I could lose my job over this. Our coworkers are going to think I’m some kinky asshole with a perverted sense of humor that happens to have an anime porn fetish! Oh my god! That link was Hentai porn with a guy who had tentacle cocks! I sent tentacle cocks to the CEO!” I cry out as I place my hands over my face.

“Well…” James chuckles slightly to himself.

I know that statement about people thinking I’m a kinky asshole with a perverted sense of humor was very ironic considering every single description was accurate, but now is not the time to discuss my personality traits.

“Oh shut up, dickhead! What in the hell am I going to do?” I wail loudly.

James turns me around so that my body is facing him and tugs me close to his chest, hugging me tightly. “This is what we’re going to do. I’m going to send out a porn email from my work account and then we’re going to call Regency’s IT department and let them know that our email accounts have been hacked. Then they can handle it all from there.” His voice is soothing as he rubs gentle circles on my back with his fingers.

I immediately pull away and look into his gorgeous green eyes. “You would do that for me?”

“Of course I would do that for you.” James tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and then pulls out his phone. “What shall I send?” He smiles wickedly at me. “Let’s at least have a little fun with this.”

I giggle lightly, smiling back at him with amusement.

“Wait. I’m only going to do this under one condition.”

I tilt my head in curiosity. “Let’s hear it,” I say with an impatient sigh.

“You can’t ever talk about Saber-Toothed Tiger again,” he demands.

I exhale with displeasure. “
Fine.
I’ll never talk about Saber-Toothed Tiger again.”

James’s wicked grin makes a reappearance. He takes a seat on the cot that sits in the corner of the room and pats the spot next to him. “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s find something good to send.”

I smirk devilishly and promptly start giving him some of my favorite porn sites to browse through.

Looks like James just saved the day…
again
.

This is really starting to become a theme for him.

Chapter Twenty-Five

“Screw you, Tattle Tits! “ - Amy

Ellen, Lizzy, and I decided to take a yoga class together tonight. We’re chatting, sitting on our yoga mats, and waiting for the instructor to begin. Ellen has reached the nine-month mark in her pregnancy, and it’s visible that her prominent belly is making even the slightest movements difficult. I hear her sigh for what seems like the fifteenth time in the last two minutes and peer in her direction as I continue to stretch out my legs. “You all right over there?”

“Yes.” Her response is terse, and I’m just going to assume it stems from her overall irritation with being pregnant.

“Are you sure? You seem like you’re struggling.”

She attempts to sit with her legs crossed, manually pulling in each leg with frustration. “Yes. Stop asking me. I’m a fucking whale right now, and basically, whenever I move, Lucy’s legs go straight into my ribs. I swear this child weighs ten pounds,” she groans loudly as she leans back on her forearms. This change in position causes her belly to push out even farther, and her tank top rides up past her belly button. “Even my god damn maternity clothes are too small for me now! Oh, and did I tell you? Trent decided to let me know that he weighed ten and half fucking pounds when he was born! Ten and a half pounds!” she bellows, her voice loudly reverberating in the yoga studio.

Lizzy places her hand on Ellen’s shoulder, endeavoring to calm her down. “Just because he was a big baby doesn’t mean that Lucy is going to be a big baby.”

Ellen provides Lizzy with a death stare before adding, “Do you even remember how much I weighed when Mom had me?”

Lizzy shakes her head.

“I weighed nine pounds. So seeing as I was a big baby and Trent could have been considered a toddler, I’m convinced that Lucy is going to be huge. My vagina is never going to be the same!” Ellen’s eyes are starting to fill with tears. “I’m going to be the definition of that saying, ‘it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway!’” Ellen sobs at the top of her voice, causing people to peer cautiously in her direction.

My best friend’s pregnancy has honestly done nothing for her sanity. She is quite literally losing it right here on her yoga mat and I’m not sure what to say to her at this point. Ellen has a point. Both she and Trent were big babies, and her pregnant belly has truly grown to a shocking size in the past month. And in regards to the vagina comment, I’m a little concerned for her. No woman wants her snatch to change into something resembling ground beef after having a baby. Could you imagine pushing out a ten-pound child? That seems like a recipe for disaster, like something that could leave your vagina large enough to use as a handbag. Hell, a ten-pound child could leave someone’s hoo-hah as roomy as a three-bedroom apartment with walk-in closets. My brain automatically starts thinking of loose vagina scenarios…

I don’t need a purse. I’ll just put my wallet inside my gaping hole of a vagina.

No worries. We’ve got plenty of room for you and your kids to stay over at our house during Christmas. Your kids can sleep on the bunk bed…that I keep inside of my vagina.

I think my internal reproductive clock just shut itself off and ran off to Walgreens to stock up on condoms and spermicidal lube.

“Amy, you better stop thinking about what my vagina is going to look like after I have Lucy right now!” Ellen is no longer sobbing and is currently mean-mugging me with a ferocity I’m finding myself a little scared of.

I hold my hands in the air, attempting to calm her crazy ass down. “I was not thinking about your vagina. Anyways, even if your child is fourteen pounds, I’m sure your physician will be able to sew your snatch back so tight you’ll feel like a virgin again.”

Lizzy and Ellen are now looking at me with shocked expressions on their faces, both of their jaws nearly touching the ground.

“What?” I ask in confusion.

“I think it’s a good idea to get off this subject and chat about something else,” Lizzy suggests carefully.

“So I masturbated to Chris Pine in that Star Trek movie last night,” I hurriedly say, hoping it will get Ellen’s mind off of the number of stitches her poor vagina is going to need after she delivers Lucy.