Arrest-Proof Yourself (6 page)

THREAT TO THE COMMUNITY.
This is the most important criterion judges use in setting bail or allowing release on recognizance. Petty offenders, however, are generally only a danger to themselves. Once released, what a petty offender is most likely to do is go out and get stoned or drunk to forget all about it. This is stupid but hardly a threat. By arresting clueless petty offenders instead of citing them, police lump them together, in the minds of judges and the public, with career criminals and violent offenders. This justifies arresting them rather than issuing citations.

THEY NEED TO BE “IN THE SYSTEM.”
By this people mean that police should have records and keep tabs on petty offenders, who sometimes go on to commit serious crimes. I agree, but note that this can be accomplished
without
arresting and jailing clueless offenders and consigning them to the electronic plantation for life. Notice-to-appear citations and police field interrogation (FI) reports place the offender in the local database quite effectively.

CONDIGN PUNISHMENT.
Most people think that an arrest and a few days in the sneezer is appropriate punishment for many of these offenses. Don’t forget one thing, however. When petty offenders are arrested and jailed,
they have not yet been convicted of a crime in a court of law
. They are presumed innocent. For this reason they’re called pretrial detainees. Of course, if it’s you in the freezer, you’ll be happy to know that even though you’re living behind bars; wearing dungarees and flip-flops; eating green baloney sandwiches; and getting handcuffed, ordered about, and yelled at by members of the corrections officers union, you’re not actually a prisoner. You’re just a detainee.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF ARRESTS

Ever wondered why people get arrested? Years ago arrests were made only for the most heinous crimes against persons, the so-called common-law crimes—night burglary, robbery, rape, assault, battery, mayhem, and murder. The purpose of the arrest was to make time for a thorough investigation. This would include evidence collection and witness interviews. It also included time for prosecutors to decide whether they could get an indictment and prove their case. Historically the arrest was not a matter of public record; only the conviction was.

Nowadays, many misdemeanor arrests are made for crimes for which there is no investigation, and none needed. For example, for possession of small quantities of drugs, what’s there to investigate? You’ve got the dope or you don’t. When it comes to fleeing from cops, either you fled or you didn’t. For the petty crimes we’re talking about in this book, during which there is no investigation and for which you generally get popped loose from jail in a few days, you can reasonably ask why you got arrested in the first place.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Let me give you an example. Out to the west of Jacksonville, the sheriff of Bradford County, Florida, does things differently. When his officers cite someone for a misdemeanor, they write a ticket, take an electronic photo, and get a thumbprint. Then they cut the guy loose. That’s it. Offenders have to show up in front of a judge on their own and get what’s coming to them. Since they have not been jailed and had their funds extracted by attorneys and bondmen, they are more able to pay fines, court costs, and restitution. Bradford County is a conservative and religious place. The sheriff has never been accused of being soft on crime or permissive about drugs. He simply thinks that petty offenders can be punished without raising taxes to build huge courthouses and jails and hiring armies of government employees to process them through these buildings.

Other cities, usually under budgetary pressures, have discovered the same thing. They handle misdemeanors in venues that resemble traffic court. A hundred or so offenders troop in for a session, usually representing themselves, although a few may have attorneys. Judges breeze through the cases at high speed, like this:

“You got caught with two joints in your car and driving with a suspended license. How do you plead? Guilty, not guilty, or nolo contendere?”

“Uh, the third one, your honor, the no-low thing.”

“You got your paperwork in order?”

“Yes, sir.”

“See the clerk, pay the fine, and don’t let me see you in here again.”
Bang
.

Punishing petty offenders without jailing them beforehand has the advantage to society of speedy justice at low cost and high volume. For offenders, the advantage is that they do not have to suffer unintended, nonjudicial punishments. Alas, it will take years for this enlightened state of affairs to exist widely. In the meantime, cops are arresting everybody for everything everywhere. The only solution is to arrest-proof yourself right now.

Quite a few clueless people think that keeping a joint or an open alcoholic beverage in the car or yelling at their women is no big deal. Other clueless types are disagreeable, uneducated, and barely literate. A few of them are crazy and should be in state hospitals, not state prisons. Too many clueless people who are arrested are entirely innocent of the crimes for which they are charged.

You
are also clueless to some degree, even if you’re a millionaire. How could you be otherwise? Unless you’re a cop, judge, attorney, probation officer, or jailer, you can’t understand the criminal justice system, which is its own world with its own rules. The system is astonishingly powerful. It’s backed by courts and legislatures, funded from state and local treasuries, and manned by government employees wearing guns. Its daily mission is to reach out and arrest someone—someone just like you.

Even the most law-abiding citizens can, with one flash of temper, one slip of the tongue, or one wrong move, get arrested and have their lives ruined. The more successful you are, the more damaging an arrest is to your life and career. Real bad guys practically sleep through an arrest. To them jail is just a motel with bland food. To the law-abiding, arrest and incarceration are an unmitigated disaster. Being arrested and incarcerated is always humiliating and expensive. It can be dangerous. You do not want to go there.

This book is the lesson that the teacher, the preacher, and the parents never gave you. Consider this book the ultimate prelaw course. By the time you get involved with the law, my friends, it’s too late. You’ve already been hammered. The best involvement to have with cops and criminal justice is none, as in zip, zero,
nada
.

DON’T KNUCKLE UNDER TO COPS—A 60-SECOND CIVICS LESSON

Every day I see men who helped police arrest them, helped the state prosecute them, and didn’t even realize it. They confess for no reason; take pleas when they’re innocent; run, resist, and lie needlessly when arrested; screw up their probation; and in a hundred different ways contribute unnecessarily to their personal ruin. There are two things you should never forget when you’re by the side of the road in shackles and getting ready to take the long lonely ride to jail. You should remember them whether you’re innocent or guilty.

1. You owe no duty to the police to help them arrest you or increase the charges against you by confessing, acting out, or responding to inciters. You
do
have to give police your legal name when asked. You do
not
have to talk to police, answer questions, or agree to a vehicle search if doing so will result in your conviction. The state has lots of money, cops, and investigators. They are quite capable of putting you in jail
without your help
. Think about this. If they had all the information they needed to convict you, they wouldn’t ask any questions, would they?

2. You do not cease to be a citizen or to have rights even if you did the crime and are guilty as heck.

The founders of our republic understood, even before strong governments existed, that the power of the state to prosecute and punish was overwhelming. Their first act, after adopting the Constitution, was to amend it to increase the rights and protections of individuals. Here are the famous phrases of the Fifth Amendment that are as valid today as they were more than two centuries ago: “ . . . nor shall (any individual person) be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.”

The founders consciously limited state and police power in the famous words of the Fourth Amendment that stand as law even though they have been attenuated by police tactics and court opinions: “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

Of course arrest proofing is not a course in constitutional law. It’s a street-smart guide to staying free. Nonetheless, I want you to know that the tactics of staying free would, I think, be looked upon favorably by George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison. I hope their spirits were guiding my coauthor and me in this effort.

ARREST PROOFING—THE REAL DEAL

Part II is the nuts and bolts of arrest proofing. It will teach you how to speak, what words to say, and how to hold your body so cops will be less inclined to arrest you. Most arrests have add-on charges—fleeing, resisting arrest, and battery on a law enforcement officer—that upgrade misdemeanors to felonies and result in long sentences and high legal fees. Most of these add-ons can be avoided by knowing how to behave.

Part II discusses why police decide to arrest some people and not others. It has arrestability quotient (Arrest-Q) charts so you can tell whether you and your children are more or less likely to get arrested. It dwells at length on Uncle Dale’s Golden Rule #1:

IF COPS CAN’T SEE YOU, THEY CAN’T ARREST YOU.

Arrest proofing covers how to avoid street stops and traffic stops. It explains how to avoid being apprehended if you’re caught in a neighborhood sweep.

Most crimes involve automobiles, and most arrests, whether of bad guys or the clueless, occur during traffic stops. Part II analyzes in-depth your legal rights against search and seizure while driving and tells you how to arrest-proof your car. It has a chart to estimate your car arrestability quotient (Car-Q). There are detailed instructions on how to search your own car after other people drive it and what to do when you find drugs or guns.

A chapter that will particularly offend some people expounds upon Uncle Dale’s Golden Rule #2:

KEEP YOUR DOPE AT HOME.

I abhor the use of drugs, but harbor no illusions that people will suddenly stop using the stuff. Carrying drugs in automobiles and on your person is the
single largest cause of arrests in America
. Observe Golden Rule #2 and you will stay out of jail and have time to wise up, sober up, and become a citizen.

You will find several emergency arrest-proofing procedures. These are last-ditch techniques to use when you’re only moments away from being cuffed and stuffed into the cruiser. Some, like asking for a notice to appear (NOA) in lieu of arrest, should be taught in school. Everyone should know what an NOA is. Few do. Some of the emergency procedures, such as vomiting on yourself and pissing and crapping your pants, may seem extreme but are merely practical. Getting arrested is so serious in the age of computers that even outrageous and disgusting expedients are in order.

A short but important chapter explains ’tude, street slang for “attitude.” This means arguing and being obnoxious with cops, and it’s a sure way to slide into the slammer, usually with plenty of add-on charges to ensure a nice long stay. Too many people confuse attitude with their legal rights, personal style, and ethnic preferences in clothes, music, and behavior. I uncomplicate the issue by advising you simply to be polite for
five freaking minutes
while you’re face-to-face with a cop. The rest of the time? Boogie on—go wild—knock yourself out.