Authors: Katie Price
'It's okay, I don't expect you to watch it,' Angel replied,
enjoying the feeling of his arms around her. She had
missed him so much. 'Did Honey settle okay?'
'She's been a star,' Cal answered. 'Not stirred at all. I
was almost hoping she would wake up, I've really missed
her.'
'Well, when she wakes up at three, you're welcome to
go in to her.' Angel hadn't meant it but there was an edge
to her voice. For the last six months she hadn't had an
uninterrupted night's sleep; maybe that was why she felt
so low and exhausted all the time.
'If you were in Italy with me, I would get up in the
night,' Cal replied, pulling away from her, his voice
suddenly cold. 'It's not my fault you've chosen to stay
over here.'
She could feel him slipping away from her again and
she really didn't want this conversation right now. She
was desperately worried about going to Italy – what if she
continued to feel so depressed over there? And what if
Cal still kept her at a distance like this? Instead of
answering, Angel muttered something about needing a
drink and kicked off her heels as she wandered into the
kitchen.
She had just taken a large slug of white wine when Cal
spoke to her from the doorway. 'We can't go on like this,
Angel. Us not being together is doing my head in. I hate
not seeing you and Honey for weeks at a time.'
So they were going to have this conversation again
. The knot
of tension tightened inside her once more. 'I know, Cal,
but I'm just not sure if I'm ready to move to Italy yet.
Maybe in a month?'
He sighed in exasperation. 'No, Angel, I can't do this
anymore. I'm not expecting you to move over for good,
but I need you to come over for at least the next two
months. I need us to be together. I need us to be a proper
family.'
Angel felt panic rising at the prospect, not because she
didn't want to be with Cal but because she really didn't
know if she could cope with such a change feeling the way
she did. She was barely coping at home as it was. Tears
spilled down her cheeks.
Suddenly Cal took her in his arms and his voice was
warm again. 'Hey, it will be fine – more than fine. I'll
make sure I spend as much time with you as possible and
I'll introduce you to lots of people. I know it won't be easy
for you, but I'll do everything I can to make it okay.' He
gently smoothed back her hair. 'Come on, let's go to bed.'
'In a minute,' Angel said. 'You go on, I'll be up in a bit.'
'Okay, but don't be long. And by the way,' Cal murmured,
kissing her and lightly running his hands down
her back, 'did Imention how very sexy you look tonight?'
Angel stared into his beautiful brown eyes, made
darker by desire, and felt nothing in return.
What waswrong with her? She so wanted them to be close again.
Once Cal left the roomshe drained her glass practically
in one go, then poured herself another. Since Honey was
born Angel's libido had hit an all time low. The baby
books she'd read had said that this was likely to happen
for the first few months, but after over six? Sex had
always been such a strong part of her relationship with
Cal, and it had always been amazing, they couldn't get
enough of each other. Now Angel dreaded getting into
bed with Cal, dreaded him even touching her. She'd
made so many excuses – headaches, back aches,
exhaustion – and Cal hadn't said anything, but she knew
he was starting to wonder what the hell was going on.
How the woman who once couldn't wait to tear his
clothes off and tumble into bed with him had turned into
this frigid stranger who hated anyone looking at her
body and literally couldn't bear to be touched.
She walked upstairs and checked on her daughter in
the nursery. Honey was lying on her back, blissfully
asleep, arms stretched over her head, her chubby little
fists clenched. Angel leaned over the cot as she did every
night to check on her daughter's breathing. During the
first weeks after the birth she'd been paranoid that
Honey would stop breathing, and would barely sleep
because she'd have to keep constantly checking. 'Sorry,'
she whispered to her baby daughter now. 'Sorry for
being such a bad mother.' It was what she whispered
nearly every night . . .
Angel went slowly to the bedroom, wondering if she
could get away with yet another excuse tonight. But as
she opened the door Cal was already lying naked in bed
and the lit candles clearly signalled that whatever she felt,
he was definitely up for it.
Act,
she told herself.
Just do it.
She walked to the side of
the bed and said, 'Can you unzip me?'
Cal did as she asked. When she stepped out of her
dress he said, 'God, your body is so beautiful.'
Angel smiled and said, 'So is yours.' And it was true,
Cal had the most gorgeous, sexy body – long lean limbs,
defined abs, olive skin without a single blemish – but as
she looked at him, she didn't feel a trace of desire. She lay
down next to him and immediately he began kissing and
caressing her, slipping off her silk underwear. Cal was
the most sensuous, most erotic lover she had ever been
with, but now she just wanted it to be over, so she didn't
have to think, didn't have to feel. But suddenly she
did
feel something; she felt anger, overwhelming anger. Why
didn't he understand how she felt? Why didn't he leave
her alone? She didn't want to be touched. She kissed him
hard, biting his lip, digging her nails into his back. 'Go
on,' she said huskily, 'fuck me.'
Then you'll have what you
want, and I can go to sleep.
And afterwards she felt even further from him than
ever.
At four Honey woke up crying. Angel was wearily
pushing off the duvet to go to her when Cal whispered,
'You sleep, I'll settle her.' He returned half an hour later.
As he put his arms round Angel he said, 'Just think how
great it will be when you're in Italy with me. I can't wait
to see Honey every day. I feel like I'm really missing out
at the moment. I want to be there for her always, not like
my dad was with me.'
Cal's dad had walked out on him when Cal was only
two and left him to be brought up by his alcoholic mum.
Only his amazing talent for football had saved him, that
and his close friendship with Angel's family.
For a moment she didn't reply, overcome with guilt
that she was keeping Cal away from his daughter, then
she said, 'We'll fly out to Italy next week, Cal.' But even
as she said it she was filled with anxiety and it was a long
time before Angel went back to sleep. She was obviously
a terrible person, a terrible wife, a terrible mother. What
was wrong with her? Why couldn't she be happy?
In the morning Cal told her to have a lie in, but even
though she felt exhausted she couldn't sleep. Her mum,
dad, brother Tony and Gemma were coming over for
lunch, and somehow she had to face them and act like
everything was okay and pretend to be excited about the
move to Italy.
She pulled on her cream silk robe and wandered
downstairs where Cal was feeding Honey her porridge
and managing to get most of it over himself and the baby.
They looked so happy together she felt another pang of
guilt. She kissed her daughter's head, practically the only
part of her that wasn't covered in porridge. Honey
rewarded her with a gummy smile, showing off her two
teeth, and banged her spoon on her highchair,
splattering Angel's silk robe with porridge.
Cal laughed, then grabbed Angel by the waist and
pulled her on to his lap to kiss her. 'Now you're as messy
as us!
'I was going to make us scrambled eggs for breakfast,'
he went on.
Angel shook her head. 'I'm not hungry and we'll be
having a big lunch, won't we?'
'Are you sure? You look like you've lost weight.'
'No, I'm fine,' Angel replied a little defensively and got
up, crossing her arms protectively round herself. It was
true, she had been losing weight, but she had no appetite
at the moment.
'I'll have to build you up with pasta then, won't I?' Cal
teased her.
She shook her head. 'You're joking, aren't you? I know
I've got to be ultra-slim to compete with those Italian
WAGs.'
Cal smiled and kissed her. 'You don't have to compete
with anyone, you'll always be the most beautiful woman
in the room.'
As he was being so loving Angel decided that now
would be a good opportunity to ask him about what was
worrying him. 'So, do you know when you'll hear about
the England team?' She plunged straight in with the
question and the change in Cal was instant, as if she had
flicked an off switch.
'Middle of May,' he muttered, and avoided looking at
her.
'But you're feeling positive about your chances, aren't
you?' she persisted.
'My knee has been playing up lately, I've had to have
extra physio, so no, I'm not feeling particularly positive,'
he said quietly.
'I'm sure it will be fine,' she continued, wishing he
would let her in.
'Look, can we just drop the subject?' Cal snapped. 'I
don't want to talk about it. And can you get Honey
dressed? I need to get on with making lunch.'
Sometimes her husband was completely unreachable
and she felt like a seventeen year old again, hopelessly in
love and completely unable to get through to him. It
made her feel so lonely.
*
'That was a fantastic lunch, Cal, thanks,' said Angel's
dad Frank, leaning back contentedly in his chair.
'Weren't you hungry, love?' Michelle, Angel's mum,
asked her, sounding concerned.
Angel shook her head. She'd only eaten a few
mouthfuls of salad and rearranged the rest of the food
around her plate.
Her mother dropped her voice and said, 'You are
eating properly, aren't you?'
'Yes,' Angel replied defensively, 'but I'll be modelling
again soon and I don't want to look fat.'
Gemma had overheard their conversation and now
joined in. 'Angel, you look slimmer than you did before
you had the baby! You really need to put on some weight
if anything. You don't want to end up with a scrawny
body and lollipop head!'
Angel and Gemma used to have the kind of
relationship where they could say absolutely anything to
each other. After Cal, Gemma was the person she most
trusted in the world. But right now, feeling depressed
and vulnerable, Angel was furious at her comments. 'I'm
not too thin,' she hissed back. 'And anyway, it's none of
your business.'
She drained her wine glass to avoid looking at the hurt
expression on her friend's face. To cover up how upset
she was Gemma got up and helped Cal clear away the
plates. Angel felt terrible, she knew she was in the wrong
to snap like that, but she couldn't help it. She just wanted
everyone to leave her alone. She could sense her mum
looking at her anxiously before she spoke.
'Are you sure everything's all right, Angel?'
'Everything's fine, Mum,' she lied, wishing she could
tell her how she really felt. Mum was probably one of the
few people who would understand as she'd suffered from
depression herself. But every time Angel thought of
confiding in someone, the same thought stopped her.
What if everyone thought she was mad, an unfit mother
– just like her real mum – and that she couldn't look after
her child? And that thought kept her trapped in her
depression, making her feel as if there was no way out.
The one hope she clung on to was that perhaps time
would heal her. The trouble was it didn't seem to be
doing a great job of it . . .
'Has Angel told you yet that she's coming to Italy next
week? And this time she's staying at least a couple of
months,' said Cal, coming back into the dining room and
putting his arms round her.
'That's great news!' Frank replied. 'You two have been
apart too much lately and it puts a strain on any
marriage.' He smiled at Angel, obviously expecting her to
say how happy she was.
It took all her energy to smile back and reply, 'Yes, it'll
be good, won't it?' And then, because she couldn't bear
the pretence any longer, she added, 'Actually, if it's okay
with everyone, I'm going to go upstairs and start
packing. I can never get anything done when it's just me
and Honey.'
'Good idea, babe, and I'll go and book the tickets
online right now,' Cal answered, kissing her.
Upstairs, Angel opened her wardrobe and stared blankly
at the clothes inside, trying to decide what to take. But
even that task defeated her and she could feel her eyes
pricking with tears. How was she going to cope in Italy?
And what was happening to her marriage? One minute
Cal was lovely to her, the next so cold, and this was only
adding to her feelings of insecurity.
She started at a gentle knock at the door. It was
Gemma. 'Hi, do you want some help?' she asked, walking
tentatively in.
Angel nodded then said, 'I'm really, really sorry I
snapped at you, Gem, I didn't mean it.'
'It's okay,' Gemma answered.
'I think I'm just knackered, I feel so uptight at the
moment,' Angel continued.
Gemma smiled at her friend. 'I'm sure all new mums
feel like that. You've had some huge changes in your life
– you've had a baby, stopped working, got married and
Cal's been away. And I know I've been a bit crap . . .'Here
Gemma's voice faltered.
'You haven't at all!' Angel exclaimed. 'I know how hard
it's been for you, seeing me with Honey.'
'No, it hasn't,' Gemma assured her. 'I'm happy for you,
Angel. Honey is so beautiful . . . you're so lucky.'
'Yeah,' she answered sadly, 'I am lucky, aren't I?' Yet
what she wanted to say was, If I am so lucky, why do I feel
so bad? But as she looked at her best friend she realised
that this was one thing she was not going to be able to tell
her. And if she couldn't tell Gemma, who could she tell?
'Don't be nervous about going to Italy,' Gemma
continued, sorting out the pile of clothes Angel had
dumped on the bed. 'I reckon you'll have a great time.
And it's not far away – we'll come and see you, and you
can come back here as well.'