An Unexpected Hunger (28 page)

The doctors spoke with my mom in hushed reverence, explaining what had happened. I caught a few words here and there…car accident, head trauma…but I zoned out, my pounding heartbeat drowning out all the sounds in the room.

I leaned over my father’s bed, the tubes and gauze masking his face. I reached for his hand
, and gave it a squeeze, but felt nothing in return. I didn’t need the doctors to tell me…I already knew. He would never wake up, and I had lost him forever.

* * *

Mia and I grabbed a cab and headed back home once we knew Danny was okay on his own.

“So much for a happy birthday,” I said.

“I can’t believe that just happened,” Mia said. “I haven’t seen Ricky that mad since…that night he got arrested. We’re lucky no one called the cops.”

The cab smelled musty
, and I cracked open the window, needing to feel the cool air on my face.

When we got back, the apartment
was dark, the only light in the room coming from the flickering television. Nick was sprawled on the air mattress, still awake.

I walked past him
, and headed for the bathroom where I did my best to shower without getting my cast drenched. When I walked into the bedroom, I flicked on the light, only to see Ricky sitting straight up in bed, the skin inflamed on his swollen knuckles.

I struggled to keep my t
owel wrapped around my body while still holding onto my crutches. I rummaged through my dresser for something to wear when Ricky came around to try and help.

“I got it,” I said, hobbling away from him. I sat on the bed
, and attempted to get dressed without having to loose my towel.

“Let me help you,” he said in a commanding voice.

“What were you thinking?” I yelled, throwing my towel at him. He caught it, and threw it on the floor as I slipped my tee shirt over my head. It almost fell to my knees, and when I looked down at it I realized it was Ricky’s.

“Wh
at was
I
thinking?” he asked. “Are you actually defending that asshole? Don’t think I can’t put two and two together! I knew all along who he was! He could have gotten you killed! Who the fuck does he think he is coming here?”

“
The accident wasn’t just his fault. I shouldn’t have pushed him to drive! He’s done a lot to help  me…I at least had to let him apologize!”

“Excuse me?” he asked. And I knew I had just stepped into something there was no backing out of.

“What do you mean he’s
done a lot to help you?”

I looked away, tearing at the cuticles around my thumbs. “He came to see me…back home.
He told me about the job offer,” I said fast and low. It was like ripping off a band aide: the faster you pulled, the lesser the pain.

“Did you…did you sleep
with him?”

“No!” I yelled, offended.

Ricky started to pace back and forth. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this before.”

“What difference does it make?”

“I don’t want him ever coming near you again!”

“Excuse me
, but I make my own decisions. I decided not to see him again, and I can change my mind about that whenever I want. And by the way, you have NO room to talk. You don’t see me knocking out every woman you’ve brought home!”

He stood there, look
ing at me in stunned silence. It took him a few minutes to regain his composure. “What the hell are you talking about?”

I laid back down, the word
s reeling through my head so fast it was making me dizzy. “Don’t play stupid. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“No, I don’t!
”

“
Don’t tell me you’ve been sitting home alone! I called you, after not hearing from you in
months
, and got to talk to a real charmer on the phone. She hung up on me after giggling and telling me you were in the shower!”

“That…
that was a friend,” he stuttered. “We were just hanging out. Besides, you’re the one that left. I didn’t think you cared what I did!”

“
That’s such bullshit!” I laughed. “How could you say that? You told me to leave!”

“Because I didn’t want to hold you back! I didn’t want to make you stay
, and then have you resent me for it later. You don’t think it killed me to see you go? Everything I did without you was to distract myself from thinking about you. I didn’t call because it was too painful to hear your voice! It wasn’t enough that I almost lost it when I found out what happened to you, but then to realize that you were with him when it happened. I can’t…I can’t stand to think of anyone ever touching you the way I want to. Just thinking about it drives me so insane that I’m ready to leave everything I know to come here, and be with you.”

He grabbed a pillow off the
bed and stormed out of the room before I could utter another word.

MIA SNUCK INTO my room early in the morning to say goodbye. She and Nick were catching a flight to Vegas to finish out their spring break. I nodded, half asleep, and gave her a hug before throwing the covers over my head and returning to sleep. It felt better to keep my eyes closed since they were so swollen from crying.

Ricky hadn’t come to bed at all last night
. It was nearly noon when I finally woke up. I stumbled out of bed, sensing an eerie quiet in the house. I walked into an empty living room, the air mattress deflated and stuffed back in the box. The blankets were neatly folded on top of the couch.

“Ricky?” I shouted, my heart pumping faster and faster. My stomach churned nervously, knowing something was off. I hobbled to the window near the kitchen table, dragging my leg instead of wasting time grabbing my crutches.

Ricky’s car was gone.

I made a frantic dash to my phone charging on the kitchen counter
, and called Ricky right away. It rang and rang without an answer. I texted, WHERE R U? and sat down, waiting for a response. I smelled the coffee, still steaming hot, and thought for a second it was an encouraging sign that Ricky hadn’t left for good. I poured myself a cup and crawled back in bed, knowing that he would have gotten back to me by now.

Hours passed,
and I didn’t move from my spot in the bed. I had nowhere to go, no one to see, and the thought was so depressing that it sucked all the energy out of me. I was alone, in an empty apartment, and I hated it.

Lauren called the next day
, and I hung up the call with my mom to answer her on the other line.

“Want some company?” she asked.

“Would love some.”

A few minutes later she had let herself in with the spare key I had given her. She already knew about my birthday drama, first from the gossiping neighbors
, and second from calling me later that night to check up on me. I didn’t know it at the time, but Ricky had arranged to have Lauren part of my birthday surprise, a surprise that I never discovered.

Lauren picked up the laundry basket full of dirty clothes
, and I hobbled behind her as we made our way to the basement for a late night laundry run.

“I haven’t heard from him in two days,” I muttered. “I can’t believe
he left without saying anything.”

I leaned m
y head against one of the running dryers, feeling the warmth on the back of my head, and smelling the scent of the dryer sheets.

“
I don’t understand it either,” she said, folding a shirt and placing it back in the basket. “It doesn’t seem like something he would do…especially after…” She stopped short, and it caught my attention.

“Especially after what?” I asked.

Lauren shrugged her shoulders, continuing to fold the clothes without looking at me. “Well, I mean…I’ve only talked to him a handful of times, but I could tell.”

Ricky and Lauren had first met when she came to visit me in the hospital. They had go
tten to know each a little the times Lauren had come to my apartment to help out.

“Could tell what,
Laur?”

She hesitated,
and stopped folding to look right at me. “That he really loves you. If you only knew what he was planning for your birthday.”

“Maybe I would understand if someone would
tell
me.”

“Not a chance,” she said, smiling. “You need to ask Ricky.”

I rolled my eyes, and threw a pair of rolled up socks at her head. She laughed, narrowly ducking my good aim.

“I don’t know,” I huffed. “Maybe I should give up. I should just go back
to my job, work my way back up. Who knows…maybe I can open up my own restaurant one day. It’s something I know my dad would have been proud of. I mean, what’s wrong with being a successful, single woman?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Lauren said. “Except for the fact that your in love with someone who is completely dedicated to you. Why would you just let that go? Don’t you think your worth that kind of love…that you deserve it?”

I smiled meekly, not sure how to answer. “I never thought about it like that,” I said.

* * *

I struggled to get into Lauren’s car so she could take me to my last doctor’s appointment. I was finally getting my cast taken off.

I hoisted my leg into the car. “I cannot wait to get this damn thing sawed off.”

“Me either,” Lauren said, buckling her seat belt. “I’m getting tired of doing your laundry.”

Lauren stopped by the mailboxes
, and I listened to the dinging of the door alarm as she hopped out. I stared at the clock, tapping my good foot. I was anxious to make it to the doctor, knowing that we would have to wait even longer if we were late.

She sat back in the car
, and handed me my stack. I had applied for disability since I couldn’t work, and was still waiting for my first check. The bills were starting to pile up, and my money was gradually disappearing.

“Bill, bill, bill, “ I said, sorting through the mail. The last envelope
startled me, and I held it in my hand, feeling something hard and oddly shaped inside of it. The handwritten address had my name scrawled in familiar handwriting. When I flipped the envelope over, Ricky’s return address was written at the top.

“What is it?” Lauren asked.

“I—I don’t know. It’s from Ricky,” I said, looking at her.

It was the first time I had said his name out loud in weeks.
I hadn’t talked to him since the night of my birthday. My mom would mention him during our weekly telephone conversations, telling me that Ricky would call her asking how I was doing.

“Why don’t you give him a call,” mom would suggest.

I always changed the subject as fast as I could since it was too painful to think about.

I
skimmed my finger across the seal of the envelope, tearing away at the paper. I fished inside until I felt cool, hard, metal on the skin of my fingertips. In between my thumb and pointer, I held a brass key.

“What is
that
?” Lauren asked.

I stared at it
for a few minutes, turning it in my hand, trying to see if anything was written on it. “I have no idea,” I mumbled.

“Well is there anything else in the envelope?”

“No,” I said. “It’s empty.” I turned the envelope over and shook it a few times just to be extra sure.

“Hm,” Lauren said. “That’s weird. What do you think it means?”

I shrugged, and put the key back in the envelope. I folded it and tucked it into my purse. “We better get going,” I said. “Or we’re going to be late.”

WALKING WITHOUT MY cast took some getting used to. After my doctor’s appointment, Lauren and I went out for lunch, the meaning of the key still a mystery to me.

“When do you go back to work?” Lauren asked.

I handed my menu to the waiter, and shot him a quick smile. “I’m not sure,” I said. “I have to call my boss and let him know my cast is off.”

“You don’t seem too excited. Got use to being waited on hand and foot?” Lauren teased, her voice raising a few octaves.

“No,” I laughed. “I just have this feeling that it’s not going to be the same. I’ve been out so long…They’ll probably have me chopping onions all day.”

I swished my straw, twirling the ice in my glass. “Besides,” I continued. “I’m thinking about going back to Jersey.”

Lauren’s eyes cut to me. “To see Ricky?” she asked.

“I’m not sure,” I shrugged, taking a sip from my diet soda.

Lauren looked at me like I had two heads.

“What?” I said.

“Are you completely dense?” she asked. “He’s obviously trying to reach out to you.”

Th
e waiter brought out our sandwiches, and I wasted no time putting food in my mouth. Not only was I starving, but the chewing bought me some time before I had to respond.