An Unexpected Hunger (21 page)

Ricky cleared his throat. “That she went to the best culinary school…in the universe.”

Nick laughed while Mia looked at the menu.

“You just don’t want to me work where you can’t watch me,” I said to Ricky, tapping the end of his nose with each word.

“That’s not true,”
Ricky said.

“Yes, it is,” I replied. “But now I guess that you got me in bed…what does it matter to you?”

“TMI,” Nick muttered under his breath.

Mia peered from over the menu. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I said. “Let’s order!” I clapped my hands and buried my face in the menu, Ricky’s eyes burning a hole in the side of my head.

* * *

Ricky was quiet the entire time at dinner, speaking only when spoken to, and to tell the waiter not to bring me any more alcohol. I debated on throwing a tantrum like a three year old, but decided against it.

While he
and Nick paid for the bill, Mia and I walked outside, the chilly December air smacking the heat off my cheeks.

“Are you okay?” Mia asked.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“Are you sure? ‘Cause you don’t
look
fine.”

“I’m just t
ired,” I said, blowing it off.

The car ride home was filled with nothing but silence and the occasional sideways glance.
I knew I had crossed the line with my comment, and I’m not even sure where it came from.

“I’m sorry
,” I said.

Ricky kept quiet, his eyes never leaving the road.

“Are you going to say anything?” I continued.

He finally turned to look at me. “What do you want me to say? I’ll hire someone tomorrow. If that’s what you want, if you’re not happy.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t happy…”

“Oh…you’re right….now that we’ve slept togethe
r what do I need you around for?” He paused. “Do you even realize how ridiculous, not to mention fucked up, that is?”

I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry!
I didn’t mean it.”

Ricky pulled into the driveway
, and threw the car in park. “There’s something else going on with you. I’m not stupid. Why won’t you tell me?”

I looked out the window, throwing my seat belt off. I had just enough alcohol running through me
to say it out loud.

“I got a job offer at a new restaurant
opening up. A really, really nice one…with a great menu, and access to a beautiful new kitchen.” I trailed my eyes from my hands to the steering wheel, and eventually, Ricky’s face.

He shifted in his seat. “That’s good!” he said. “I’m so proud of you-”

“It’s in California.”

The smile immediately dropped
from his face. “California?” He looked out the windshield, running his hand around the leather of the steering wheel. “How did that happen?”

“It’s not important…”

“Are you going to take it?”

I didn’t know what to say. Ricky got out of the car, slamming the door. I hopped out, trying not to slip on the ice. “Ricky…wait!”

He turned, just as he got the front door open. “That’s why you been acting so weird! Why couldn’t you tell me this before?”

“Before what? I only heard about it a week ago!”

“Bullshit! Why’d you even bothering moving in, huh? What…were you just killing time until something better came along?”

“No!” I said.
The ice cold air slipped through my unzipped jacket, searing through my chest. “I didn’t say I was going to take it!” I followed him into the house and up the steps.

“No, you didn’t. B
ut you didn’t say you weren’t.”

He peeled off his shirt as I slipped off my shoes.

“I…I don’t know!” I said, holding both shoes in the air. “I would be crazy not to take it.”

“There are plenty of places around here where you co
uld find another job!”

“Yeah…and then I wou
ld have to start all over again! It would be different with this one. I would have the same job I did working with…” I didn’t dare say his name.

“
Fine,” Ricky said, grabbing a pillow off of the bed. “Have fun in California.” He slammed the bedroom door, and stormed down the steps.

I laid in bed for a few hours, waiting for Ricky to come back upstairs. I finally fell asleep, stretching my arms out on Rick
y’s side, empty and cold. I took a shower and got ready for work, only to find the house empty when I went downstairs.

I called Mia for a ride to work.

I waited for Ricky to show up at the bar all day, but by the end of the night, I was asking Mia for another ride home.

“Where’s Ricky been?” she finally asked.

I shrugged my shoulders and stared out of the window. He wasn’t answering his phone, and hadn’t responded to any of my text messages. When I came home to an empty house, the worry started to set in.

I called Ricky one more time before flopping on the couch and turning on the TV. I didn’t bother to take a shower, too worried to move from my spot. Around three in the morning, my eyelids got so heavy that I gave into the feeling and fell asleep.

The front door unlocked. and my eyes popped wide open. I heard the clank of keys as they hit the kitchen table, and then the opening of the refrigerator door. I scrambled off the couch and turned the television off. Ricky froze when he saw me, a carton of orange juice in his hand.

“Where have you been?” I asked, in a scratchy voice. “I’ve been trying to call you all day.”

He leaned against the counter and took another sip. “Well, I’m here now so there’s no need to worry. Go to bed.”

“Are you coming up?”

He shrugged, tossing the juice back in the fridge.

“Ricky…please. I don’t want to fight about this anymore. I’m not going to take the job.”

“The hell you’re not,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“I hired a new cook today. You start training him tomorrow.”

“Are you serious?” I asked, kind of off
ended. “You hired someone in one day?”

“Yep…so now you can take the job, move back to California, and be happy.”

I looked around the darkened kitchen, confusion taking over. “Are you on drugs? I just told you I’m NOT taking the job. I’m not leaving you!”

“You need to take the job, Lex! Let’s face it…working at the bar isn’t for you. You know
, and I know, that this was never going to work anyway. Take the job.”

I scoffed, completely taken aback. “So that’s it?”

“Basically,” he shrugged. “When do you leave?”

I stared at Ricky, waiting to call his bl
uff. “January,” I said. “After the new year.”

“Wow…that soon,
huh?” Ricky walked to the living room, leaving me sitting at the kitchen table. “Well, don’t worry about it. You can stay here until then.”

“Thanks,” I muttered.

He disappeared around the corner, and I followed him to the couch. He sprawled out and turned the TV back on.

“So, I guess we can be f
riends?” He wasn’t relenting then neither was I.

“Friends,” he said, smiling. “Absolutely.”

I waited for him to say more, but he focused his eyes on the TV. Finally, I got tired of standing there like a statue, being ignored.

“Okay…well good night,” I said.

“Goodnight.”

I headed to bed upstairs, knowing when I woke up he would snap out of it.

THE NEXT MORNING,
I expected Ricky to forget all about our earlier conversation, but he didn’t. We rode to work, barely uttering a word to each other.

The new cook Ricky hired
, Sammy, didn’t know shit about being in the kitchen. After the first hour, he already managed to burn himself three times. I tried to convince Ricky that he needed to find someone else, but he brushed me off, telling me that I would have to make it work.

“He’s a nice kid…but he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.”

“He’ll learn,” Ricky said, not even bothering to look up from his computer. “Just give it some time.” He shot me a quick smile.

Two weeks later, Ricky still hadn’t touched me
, and he was still sleeping on the couch. Last night, after work, I grabbed a pillow off the bed and plopped on the couch before he did.

“What are you doing?” he asked me as I tried to get comfortable.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going to sleep. I’m not sleeping in your bed alone anymore.”

“Get up,” he commanded. “I’m not letting you sleep on the couch.”

I shook my head, refusing to move.

“Fine.”
He picked me up, and set me down on the carpet, taking my spot on the couch. “Goodnight,” he said, after I hovered over him.

I gave up and made my way upstairs, reluctantly getting into bed alone. I never imagined Ricky would take it this far. I had
one more week left to decide whether or not I was going to take the job. Ricky made the decision easier for me with everyday that passed. He distanced himself, hardly ever staying home after he dropped me off. At first, I thought it was just a ploy to make me feel bad. Now, I wasn’t so sure.

I tossed an
d turned in bed, not able to shut off my brain. I grabbed the pillow and headed back downstairs, where Ricky was still awake, watching TV.

Without asking, I crawled to the other end of the sofa, curling up at his feet like a cat. I fluffed the pillow and tried to get comfortable in the cramped space.

“What are you doing?” Ricky asked, peering his eyes over at me. The light of the TV reflected on his face, casting a shadowy sadness around his eyes and mouth.

“I can
’t sleep,” I said. “Why are you still awake?”

“Can’t sleep.”

I nodded my head, and waited for him to say something else. Something to let me know that he missed touching me as much as I missed touching him. Something to tell me that he wanted me to stay. That I should call California and tell them that I’m staying put. But, all I got was silence. Silence and infomercials.

I had
enough. I was tired of playing this game of who cares less. He wanted me to stay, I got it. But this relationship limbo was too much. Were we together or not?

I crawled towards him, his eyes shifting to mine as I got closer, close enough to his face that I could kiss him.

We stared at each other for a few seconds, until I made the first move, planting my lips on his. I was relieved when he kissed me back, which only made me want him more. So, I kissed him harder.

He sat up straight
, and I peeled his shirt off.

“Wait, wait!” he said.

I pulled back, half shocked, half disappointed.

“We can’t do this,
” he mumbled, lifting my legs off. He sat up on the couch and turned the television off.

A pain ripped through my heart. A
pain I had done good to protect myself against before I let my guard down with Ricky. The pain of rejection.

Why not?” I whispered.

“Because…we just can’t.” He voice was cold and stern.

“So…you really want me to take the job?” I asked.

“Of course,” he said, lighting a cigarette.

“I can’t believe this…” I muttered.
“I thought…never mind. It doesn’t matter.” I got up, grabbed my pillow and made my way to the stairs.

I flopped on
Ricky’s side of the bed, inhaling his scent off of the sheets, and cried until I fell asleep.

IT TOOK A FEW days for the reality of Ricky and me broken up to sink in. After the third week, I got use to feeling the empty space next to the bed. I still hadn’t called about the job, still unsure that I was ready to leave. I had until the end of this week to make the call, and it was all I thought about.

Ricky had taken an early night off at work. When I got home late that night, I laid in bed, restless as usual, thinking about where Ricky could be and what he was doing.
I knew passing on the job was insane, but I didn’t care. I was happy where I was working. More importantly, I was happy with Ricky. I knew that if I really wanted to take the job I would have said yes on the spot, But I didn’t. I was in love with Ricky, and the idea of not being with him terrified me more than anything.

Sometime around one in the morning, I heard the front door open
. I shot up in bed, and ran to the bathroom, combing down my hair. I needed to tell Ricky how I felt right away and end this silly charade we were playing with each other.

I ran down the steps, seeing Ricky shirtless and smiling. I took a few more steps when it felt like the stairs were crumbling under my feet.
There was Ricky, his mouth devouring someone on the couch. I tried to scamper back upstairs without being seen, but I tripped, blinded by the tears, and ended up falling a few steps instead.